3 kinds

I'm a little crazy with the whole new year thing.

I've started lists of things I want to do in 2012... meals, experiences, attitude, weight loss, my physical health, organization, etc...

But in the end I've decided on doing three "kinds". I can't get bogged down with a list of unattainable goals. Three might just be pushing it, but they are three I believe will move me forward and are necessary elements to a well rounded and full life.

In 2012, I will work to be kind to myself physically, mentally and spiritually:

• I will nourish my body with good foods, I will go to bed when I'm tired, I will find fun ways to be more physically active.
• I will nourish my mind with good thoughts, I will laugh more, love deeper and forgive more easily.
• I will nourish my soul with our Lord. I will pursue a deeper relationship with Him. I will further seek to understand His Word and His will for me.

Being kind to myself will be a bit more of a challenge but I know in order to give more of myself, I need to be more to myself.

Happy New Year!

7 days of stickers and some gentle reminders

In my earlier post, I was at my wits end with some pretty ugly preschool behavior. I cried, ranted and blogged about my frustrations. What's a mama to do?

Come up with yet another way to get him to obey... at least for a while.

My little monkey was invited to the party for his "best friend" from preschool. He loves this kid. Has been talking about going to his birthday for months (before there was even a party planned). Last week he got it. The invitation.

I told him I was super excited he was invited! And that in order to go to parties, big boys needed to show good behavior so... if he could get 7 stickers in a row (one sticker for each day of good behavior), the he could go. If not... then he'd have to miss it. So we started out with two really good days with manners oozing everywhere and sweet words filling our home and then... the lack of self control crept back into our lives. So... 2 days without stickers. Boo. But then, after counting down the days to the party and being reminded of the party and of how many days were left... he did it! We are the proud owners of a calendar with 9 stickers on them and 7 of them are in a row! 

Sure we had days during those 7 days where we had to remind our monkey of a certain party, but that's to be expected! I don't want perfection, I just don't want to be yelled at.

Have I gotten rid of the bad behavior for good? Nope. Am I on to something? Maybe...

Power Rangers

Last Saturday morning, I laid on the couch in a very groggy state watching Power Rangers Samurai with my Monkey. He's an early riser that one... Anyway, we're snuggling on the couch watching Power Rangers and the episode reminded me of my faith.

Yes.

Faith.

More specifically, what we can do if we all were more like the Power Ranger Samurais.

You see the Power Rangers are great ninjas but it's only when they come together and create this robot (put themselves in it or some magic thing happens, not too sure), using their special skills, can they really defeat the big bad (really) ugly monsters.

The Power Rangers reminded me that I can make a difference for Christ on my own. But I can make a bigger difference when I align myself with people who are fighting the same fight as I am. Who's goals and objectives are my goals and objectvies. And who have a very clear view of what that big bad (really) ugly monster looks like and is capable of.
For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them. ~Matthew 18:20

Judging me, judging you

For the past few weeks I've had this sense that I needed to read Romans... not quite sure which part, but what was clear was that I needed to pick up my Bible and read it. I've been lazy... but I did it last night. I skimmed through trying to figure out what in the world I was supposed to read and then... there it was in Romans 2:

God’s Righteous Judgment

1 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. 2 Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3 So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? 4 Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance?

I read the rest of Romans 2, but I re-read this specific paragraph over and over again. I was drawn by the words, by the examples - by the lesson.

I learned a lot about myself in therapy but one of the best things was when I was struggling with what people thought about my current situation, my past, present and future choices and D said "If you feel judged... it's because you are judging." I did not and do not like feeling judged but what was most troubling was realizing that I was doing some judging too. When D and I talked about this, I made a choice right then and there that I was going to make a serious effort not to judge and when I found myself doing it, I'd question my motives.

Easier said than done. Non-judgemental behavior takes more than just making a choice (although that's a great step), it's about creating a solid foundation for yourself based on your values and not stepping down from that. Judging others is putting yourself in a position that is superior to others.

Do I think I'm better than you? No... but sometimes my insecurities will get the best of me and I'll rationalize I'm ok by making you not ok.

By standing firm on my foundation (Christ), your choices, your behaviors aren't crazy ridiculous to me. I respond to them with my heart rather than my head. I accept your goofy failures just the way God accepts mine. I accept your point of view and thank you for having me look at things with a different perspective rather than dismiss your thoughts and ideas, just the way God accepts mine. I'll love you through the roller coaster you call life, the way God carries me through mine.

Mama breakdown

Do you ever have one of those dreams when something really bad is happening and you're screaming and screaming but no sound comes out of your mouth? You try and try and you know this horrible thing is coming after you but nothing happens?

That's where I am. I'm doing all kinds of things to get a result that I can't seem to obtain. I'm struggling. I'm struggling with parenting. Specifically parenting my preschooler. He is such an adorable, sweet, intelligent little boy. He gives awesome hugs and kisses. He's a snuggler. He loves to be with people. He's a challenge.

When he reached 5, I could only see smooth sailing from there... The ridiculous tantrums had stopped, his mood swings had subsided, he was really fun to be around. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't perfect, but he was a perfectly great 5 year old. But... these last couple of weeks have left me feeling drained. He still has these really sweet fun moments but then they are overshadowed by these crazy unreasonable ones.

I'm one of those mama's who can take quite a bit, but then when I'm all out of patience, I'm done. I'm really done. And when I'm done everyone pays for it. Everyone gets my grumpiness. I have nothing left to give. That's where you can find me. At the end of the aisle right next to "frustrated" and "out-of-ideas".

My sweet, amazing little man will be an amazing lawyer someday. I don't worry about him mixing with the wrong crowd because he's his own leader. And he'd like to lead us all... right now. The tantrums have been replaced by random unconvincing crying whenever he doesn't get what he wants, followed up with whining, with the main course being arguing over whatever I say. Oh, and of course topped off with inappropriate words/actions... cause you know, it just wouldn't be complete without total mama embarrassment.

I can't seem to find that one thing (cause you know it's there) that will get him to listen to me, really listen and understand me. I've tried it all. But I obviously haven't. Maybe I haven't tried one thing long enough. Maybe I'm a push over (ok, I know I can be). Maybe it's a new phase. Maybe he just likes to see me frustrated. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

What do I know for sure? That I am in love with this little guy and I want to see him succeed. I want to raise him to be a God loving and fearing man.

"and you and your children and grandchildren must fear the Lord your God as long as you live. If you obey all his decrees and commands, you will enjoy a long life." ~Deuteronomy 6:1-3

It's your birthday!

It's your birthday! Woohoo!

You're officially, once again, 11 years older than me! I just know how you love birthday celebrations and making a fuss over things so I wasn't going to ignore your big day!

For your birthday I've decided to list out the 42 reasons I appreciate and love you.

1. You are honest (maybe a little too much sometimes!)
2. You are a really great dad.
3. You smell nice.
4. You are a hard worker.
5. You love Jesus.
6. You do laundry.
7. You provide for our family.
8. You listen and value my opinion.
9. You respect me.
10. You love the boys.
11. Your handsome.
12. You accept me the way that I am.
13. You make me laugh.
14. You're frugal (yes... I love that about you!).
15. You have a really good heart.
16. You're humble.
17. You're a good kisser.
18. You challenge the way I think.
19. Your satisfaction with life.
20. You take care of the car stuff.
21. You are a fabulous check book balancer.
22. You amuse me when you sing... and play air "instruments". ha!
23. You ask me what matches and what doesn't. (it's cute!)
24. You strive to be better every day.
25. You love me.
26. You are easy to talk to.
27. You're easy going.
28. The way you play with Marley - it's the cutest thing.
29. The way you talk about your mom.
30. That you talk to me about feelings, even when you really would rather not.
31. You have extremely awesome hygiene.
32. You're faithful.
33. You kiss me every night before I fall asleep.
34. You eat what I cook. :)
35. You tell me I'm beautiful.
36. You support my ideas/projects.
37. You've got my back.
38. The funny way you come up with silly nicknames for me.
39. The sound of your voice.
40. Your willingness to try new things for and with me.
41. The utter happiness I feel when I'm with you.
42. Your smile.

I love you B. I love you completely.
Can't wait to see the new ink.
~Marie

I am blank because...

I am weird because...
If I don't clean the bathrooms on and every Saturday, I feel off.
I start my shopping in the sales section of every store, and most times I never leave that section.
My cell phone does nothing but call and text (no data plan) and you have to press buttons to use it.
I have a thing for smells. I will sniff until I figure out where the smell comes from and what it is.
I sleep walk when I'm overwhelmed or worried.
I love pre-teen Disney movies (Hannah Montana, High School Musical, etc...).
I have an eraser collection.

I am a bad friend because...
I'm horrible at keeping in touch.
I forget birthdays.
I'm not a very good gift giver.
I always say what I’m thinking.

I am a good friend because...
I want to see those I love succeed.
I love and cherish friendship.
You can show up at my house at midnight to talk about your bad day.
I’m not afraid to get silly and slap happy.
I always say what I’m thinking.

I am sad because...
I haven't seen my family in 1.5 years.
My daddy fought a cancer and lost his bladder, prostate and rectum.
I can't do it all and I know it.

I am happy because...
I'm in love with my husband, my kids, my life.
My daddy fought cancer and he won.
I'm saved.
I feel completely satisfied.

I am excited because...
My future is bright.
Winter cuddling.
Jesus' birthday is coming!
Movie watching.
Family time.
Holiday parties.
Dressing up.

I can breath now

What makes you, you?
What stirs life inside of you?

I know what those things are for me. Crafts, baking, playing with the boys, laughing with girlfriends, cuddling with my not-so-cuddly hubby, embracing nature (walk, hike, swim), lunches with friends, worshiping loudly (alone!), taking pictures, running, and watching movies...

I know what those things are for me. I know what rejuvenates my spirit. So why don't I do it as much as I should or need to? Why do I let myself feel completely depleted and wondering where "I" have gone? Because I'm not a priority for me. Because thinking of me first is selfish. Isn't it?

But then I do it. I take that step. I craft or I hit the movies (by myself) or whatever, but I do it. I do it because there's a voice screaming inside my head that I need something and pouring myself over others is not it. I do it. I take the couple of hours and I do it. And I feel like a part of me has just woken up from a deep nap. I feel like myself. I feel a peace, a calm that's been missing because... let's face it, when you are doing for everyone there's little time for peace and calm.

Why do I feel so guilty when all I want to do is Tons of other women do and do and do for others and they don't need this special time. Or do they? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe those women feel the same way I do. Or maybe they don't. Does it matter?

I need my oxygen. I need the mask before I can help you with yours.
I put the mask on first... and now I'm ready to put yours, and yours, and yours, and yours on next...
Cause I can breath now.
Can you?

Consequences

After I divorced, it seemed many thought I had become an expert in the subject matter. Married women who struggled in their marriages asked me what divorce was like, mulling over the possibility in their minds. A possibility of an "out", a way to make life easier.

There is nothing about divorce that is "easy". In fact divorce complicates everything. I'm not an expert and I never want to be an expert in this subject matter. I don't know everything about divorce but there are some things I do know for sure:

I know that:

• I hate "sharing" kids.
• I will never get used to dropping off and picking up the boys so that they can see their father. It feels weird and wrong.
• I don't like that my kids have two homes.
• Having a different last name than my kids is confusing for them, their schools, their friends and makes the kids and I feel a little more disconnected.
• Holidays are not traditional, they are a series of scheduled days to share holiday experiences with each parent.
• Having to live life and then recount basic information to the other parent about their own children feels wrong, because it is wrong.
• The feeling I am left with when the boys are with their dad and I am living my life without them for the weekend is empty and gross.
• Trying to find an even footing with the other parent isn't easy. You aren't a true team anymore and so it can feel like it's every man/woman for himself/herself.
• I hate that regardless of how much time has past, the scars of divorce on the boys, myself and my new family are visible and prominent.

I'm remarried, to a wonderful man whom I love dearly. We are creating, what I believe to be, a beautiful blended family. I made the best choice for me and I believe, for the boys, when I chose divorce. I did not make the choice lightly, but in all honesty, I made the choice not understanding the full consequences of my actions, just as I didn't fully understand the consequences of marriage or having children or whatever other decision I have made in the past and will continue to make.

There's a reason why God hates divorce. God says "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. ~ Matthew 19:6". God does nothing for nothing. There's always a reason for what He asks of us, always. We don't know the consequences, but God does.

I did the very best that I knew when I filed for divorce nearly 2 years ago. I knew then and I know now, God's views on divorce. Still, in my brokenness He continues to bless me. He takes my brokenness, He takes all the difficult, ugly consequences of divorce and He allows those things to help me grow not only as a mom and a woman but as His child.

I pray daily that the boys and A know that we love them. We ALL love them - bios and bonus parents, we love them with everything in us. I pray that through our pain, our mistakes they'll see our reliance on Christ and His promises... because in the end, that's all we have to save us from our consequences.

Thanksgiving top 15

1. Who do I appreciate? God, B, the boys, my family and friends.

2. How am I fortunate? How am I not fortunate? I am blessed beyond belief. I have so much more than so many, not only material but mental and spiritual buckets are full beyond belief.

3. What material possessions am I thankful for? My car, my home, my phone, my computer.

4. What abilities do I have that I'm grateful for? I am very organized, stubborn

5. What about my surroundings (home/neighborhood/city/etc.) am I thankful for? I love where I live. I love the school district, I love the location, I love the resources that are available to me.

6. What experiences have I had that I am grateful for? Growing up in small down Canada. It's beauty, closeness, experiences...

7. What happened today/yesterday/this week/this month/this year that I am grateful for? So many. I got married, my dad fought and beat cancer, I gained a bonus daughter, the boys are growing physically and spiritually every single day, I've grown closer to my family, I've started letting old wounds heal...

8. What opportunities do I have that I am thankful for? My job has afforded me many opportunities in my professional growth. Because of those opportunities I've been able to also have personal growth.

9. What have others in my life done that I am thankful for? Forgiven me. I'm a mess and I say and do the wrong things all the time. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing.

10. What have others done that I am benefiting from in my life (even if I don't know who those people are)? Christ died for me. That says it all.

11. What relationships am I thankful for? My husband, B. We are both very stubborn people who know exactly how we want things done... but during these past 4 months I've learned a lot about love, acceptance and who I am because of his love, acceptance and independence.

12. What am I taking for granted that, if I stop to think about it, I am grateful for? Indoor plumbing. Seriously. Thank you God!

13. What is there about the challenges/difficulties I have experienced (or am currently experiencing) that I can be thankful for? Divorce. It taught me what I'm truly made of. It put all my faults and strengths in the forefront and I had to use those to move forward.

14. What is different today than it was a year ago that I'm thankful for? Today, I feel more stable in all aspects of my life... and we all know how much I love stability.

15. What insights have I gained that I am grateful for? A few people had told me that once you reach 30, you just don't care what people think anymore. I'm not sure if that's an age thing or just a wisdom thing... or maybe both. But that's where I am. I've gained self assurance. Of course I still struggle with it, but not as much and for not as long. I am who I am. I stand firmly on my foundation that is built on Christ and my faith in him.

Blessings

I was having a frustrating day last week.

I was irritated with everything about apartment living.
... the neighbors and their noise.
... the broken alcohol bottle I found outside that day.
... the out of control neighbor kids.
... the vomit outside that belongs to the partying kids in the unit over.
... the lack of storage.
... the tiny space.
... the carpet I can't keep clean.
... the really bad workmanship seen throughout the apartment.
... I can't paint or really make it "my own"... cause it's not mine.

All these things had me feeling bummed out. I was walking the dog, and talking to God about how much I really wasn't enjoying this apartment life anymore. 3 kids, 2 adults, one dog and a Gecko in 1000 square feet - a mere 200 square feet per person.

As I walked it was clear what God was telling me. I am blessed. Very very blessed. I'm not one to want what others have. I'm not one to keep up with technology. I purchase everything on sale (which means last years fashion). I wear very little makeup and it's not the fancy kind. I purchase cheap shoes because it seems wasteful to buy fancy ones. I'm a pretty simple person.

But I want a home. A place I can call my own where I can nest and love. A place the kids know is permanent and where we have enough room to have people over to fellowship with. I want a place that screams family. A place to minister. A place of our own.

Right now, at this time, I can choose to sit around and dream of a home and feel dissatisfied with what I have, but that is exactly the type of behavior I don't like my kids to exhibit. This is where I am. This is what God has given me. This home. This home full of noise and chaos. This home where food is spilling out so much we had to add more shelves to the laundry area. This home where the carpet is stained because we have lots and lots of shoes that track in the mud from the large open space the kids play in between the complexes. This home where things might not "look" the way I want them to but they function just fine. This home that keeps me protected from the elements (at a cheaper cost than a house would!). A home where my children can see the effects of negligent parents and feel the blessings of theirs. A home where lots and lots of life circumstances are talked and learned about and compassion is shared with neighbors.

Maybe it's not my "ideal" living situation, but it's where God wants me. Maybe it's not "mine" but nothing really is anyway. Today God has me where He wants me, where I need to be in order for Him to teach me, to love me, to guide me into whatever future is in store for me.

And anyway... who am I to tell God that I want different blessings than the ones He chose for me??

Letter 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear reflection,

When I see you I don't cringe like I used to. We're both happy about that one. :)

 I'm not looking at the outer shell the way I used to. Don't get me wrong... there's always room for improvement, but it's the shell I presently have that daily reminds me of my beautiful, blessed life.

• The stretch marks from carrying three babies and delivering two healthy ones.
• The scar on my chest that indicates a clean biopsy.
• The ring on my left hand reminds me that God gives second chances at love.
• The creases around my eyes from having a life full of laughter.
• A long scar on my left hip left by a very awesome doctors who helped heal my hip disease.
• The extra junk in the trunk that indicates wonderful food and fellowship I share with some amazing people.
• The newly sprouting "tinsel" in my hair that remind me of my parents and the genes they've passed on.
• The scars behind my ears from the cosmetic surgery that helped raise my self esteem.

Quite honestly, this shell, the reminders of those blessings and many more have made me more more attractive over the years. Attractive not because of the physical, but because of the emotional. Because of the shell is an outside indication of an inward change and growth.

You, my reflection in the mirror reflects my physical self... but my physical self reflects my heart.
Love,
You

A decade

My sweet little Peanut,

Today, you reach a pretty big milestone. 10 years old. A decade. It's hard for me to really absorb that.  It seems like just yesterday I was watching my belly in the bathtub as you hiccuped for what seemed like 100th time that day. It was such a silly thing to watch but I couldn't stop. You amazed me then as you do now.

This past year you seem to care more and more about "being cool" and about what your friends think. You want to be accepted. We all do. As a mom, your protector, I want to walk on every journey you take throughout the days and repeat to you over and over again how wonderful, awesome, sweet and cool you are. Not just because I'm your mom but because it's true.

My favorite moments with you are when I lay down with you at night before you fall asleep and you open your heart and share about all things relevant and irrelevant - you just share. I leave you amazed at the conversations with have whether it be the Holocaust or a conversation you had with a friend - you really make me think. My sweet baby. You have a heart of gold. You love with all your heart. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You have a giving gentle heart.

But you're also all boy. There's nothing like football, a good war story, guns or a "fart" that gets your attention quickly. You think everything about the human body is hysterical and you'll make up all kinds of gross and disgusting stories about whatever pops into your mind.

I love you more (I always will!),
Mom
xo

Letter 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

I like to think I'm pretty transparent. But I haven't always been.

There was a time when I hid some things, little things because I didn't want to disappoint or upset my loved ones. I've learned that the most disappointing thing is to know someone you love is hurting and you didn't know a thing about it.

So now. I work towards being an open book.
Whether you want to hear it or not.

Letter 28 — Someone that changed your life

Although I've never met you in person, you live with me. You walk beside me. You laugh with me. Cry with me. Hold my heart. My soul. You know my thoughts... all of them. You hear my worries and fears. You love me despite my flaws. You died for me.

You who is perfect and true. You who didn't judge. You who loved everyone. You who suffered silently. For me. For my sins. For my judgement. For my failures. You died for me. You saved me. You changed my life.

You show me through your Book, your hope, your grace and your passion for me what love is truly about. You've changed my perspective. You've changed my heart. You've changed my soul. You've changed my life.

Thank you, Jesus.
I love you.
me

Letter 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Dear stranger...

I'm not sure who you are and honestly I've forgotten what you look like, but I remember your words. I remember your encouragement.

I was sitting in a Northwest Airlines plane headed back to Canada after a wonderful visit with my boyfriend. I was crying in the seat wondering when we'd see each other again and wondering what our future would look like.

You. When most people turn away from those who are crying or stressed, you turned to me and let me talk about my grief. You listened like a friend and not like a grown up... you listened, patted my hand and gave me sweet words of encouragement.

Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. Thank you for turning towards me and comforting me... a stranger.

Your kindness touched my heart then and it still does now... 14 years later.
Renee

Letter 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Dear C... it wasn't exactly a pinky promise but a promise of dreams.

We'd go to the same college. Live in the same dorm. Eat the same foods. Date the same kind of guys. Go to the same parties. Wear the same clothes.

Teenage dreams. I made a different choice, one that ended those promises. Those dreams.

I often wonder "what if" but neither one of us lives in that world. We live in this one. One where those promises were broken and new ones made.

Thanks for being so sweet and supportive...
Thanks for letting me break those pinky promises.
I love you,
Ren

I get it

This isn't about money. It may seem that way to you, but it's not. I could care less who is more financially responsible for them. I'll do it all, that's not an issue, it's never been. I get that you feel that now that my financial situation has changed that that should somehow benefit you. It doesn't.

This has to do with your unwillingness to accept responsibility for anything. For life. For choices. For you.

From where I stand, I see someone who would rather blame the world than to look inside himself. Then again, it might be easier that way. It seems to me that it's also easier for you to lash out at me when things seem to get out of hand.

I get that you're frustrated with your situation. I get that you are scared. I get that you never thought things would happen like this. I get that I get that you feel alone. I get that you struggle with feelings of jealousy. I get that you feel lost. And I can't begin to tell you how sad it makes me. But I can't be your punching bag.

I am praying that God gives me a clear understanding of what my role is in this (if any). I pray that you'll find the peace you're looking for, because it's not going to come financially, it's bigger than that. I pray that this cycle will end and we can focus on the important stuff. And I pray that I learn to hang up the phone before things get out of hand. And I pray that we'll find a balance soon.

Letter 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Dear Mom and Dad,

It's almost been a year since Dad's surgery. It's been an intense year with ups and downs and more downs followed by a few more ups.

Who knew cancer would hit our family? My daddy? He's always been so healthy and has always been in good shape - most 20 year olds would have loved a body like his! :)

But then cancer hit our family, like it does millions of others. It's different when it's yours though... because, it's personal. The future is uncertain for everyone, but when cancer takes a hold, it seems it makes life's uncertainties more obvious.

You're marriage has had it's ups and downs and I'm sure, it will continue. But this last year has really given me a true respect for you both and your commitment to one another. Sure, you've both gotten down, depressed, angry, frustrated, but you've managed to lift one another up. That's a beautiful thing.

I pray that you continue to find strength in one another and our Heavenly Father as you continue this fight, together. I may be a thousand miles away but know that I carry you in my heart, my mind and soul, daily.

Je vous aime,
votre bebe... Renee

Letter 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Dear sweet baby boys... yes, you'll remain that way for the rest of your lives.

You are my favorite memories by far.
I loved carrying you for 9+ months.
I loved feeling you move, hiccup, and kick.
I loved the way my belly looked.
I loved knowing that a little miracle was growing inside of me.
I loved the day of your birth.
I loved the amazing feeling of pushing you out and into this world. It was a moment of awe that I will never forget.
I loved seeing you as you laid on my chest all prune like and new.
I loved hearing you cry (and cry and cry).
I loved holding you for the first time (and the many times after).
I loved nursing you. I miss that.
I loved watching you do absolutely nothing.
I loved and love every single thing about being your mama.

I love you boys so much and you made and continue to make my favorite memories.
Mommy

Letter 23 — The last person you kissed

My sweet little Monkey -

You were the last person I kissed today. This morning as I left for work and I kissed you. I kissed your cheeks and forehead and finally your sweet little lips.

There are mornings that, as I turn to leave, I have to stop myself from running back and stealing more kisses and hugs.

I love that you let me cover you with kisses... I pray hard that you'll let me do it for many many more years. You're 5 and soon you won't let me do that in front of your friends and we'll have to find a "secret" way to say goodbye/I love you... It's part of growing up, a part that I wish would take a little longer to reach.

But for now, I'm going to treasure your sweet, sour, sticky, mucus filled kisses.
I love you Monkey!
Momma

Letter 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

I've thought and thought about this letter... truth is, I give second, third, fourth, fifth and... well a billion chances to people so there's no one person I haven't truly opened my heart to and given them another chance.

Letter 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Dear A -

Yep. I judged you when I first met you.

You. So cool. Calm. Collected. Snotty.
You seem to have it all together and didn't need anything or anyone. You seemed very "uppity"... I couldn't relate.

But... well, then walls came down and you were real and raw and relate able. It turns out, you get nervous when you meet new people and your first instinct is to close up. Defence mechanism maybe? From years of hurts?

I'm so glad I was able to get to know you - the real you. You are so sweet, amazing, beautiful and a screw up, like the rest of us. :) I'm sorry I judged you from very little knowledge of your heart. Trust that we covered this in therapy. ha!

I love you Miss A. I'm glad the real you is part of my life.
Renee

Letter 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear... well, you know who you are...

You broke it. You broke it hard.

My world shattered. Everything I thought was real wasn't.
You devastated me. You broke me. You changed me.

And I want to thank you.

Thank you for loving me when you did. Thank you for giving me two amazing and beautiful children. Thank you for standing by me as I grew. Thank you for dreaming with me. Thank you for laughing with me and thank you for crying with me.

Life has a way, doesn't it? It's not at all how I imagined it to be. Broken. Divorced. Un-trusting. Faith, however... it does have a way of taking the broken, the sick, the helpless and making it new and whole again. God is amazing. God is forgiving. God is real.

So things didn't turn out the way either one of us wanted. The way things ended hurt.
My heart aches for the hurt but it appreciates the lessons it taught. I forgave you a while ago and although I still carry the scars, they not only remind me of the pain that was caused, but the beauty that was found.

I pray you find peace, love and all things beautiful.
Renee

Letter 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Dear Karl...

I'm not even going to try and hide your identity cause well... maybe you'll randomly stumble upon this, read it and either get so mad or so touched and you'll actually get a hold of me.

So... after high school you left and went on to college. My family and I got to see you during that time. We had a wonderful night with you. You hadn't changed a bit. Lots of big dreams, wonderful laugh and still a beautiful person. Then... suddenly I heard through the grape vine that you had decided to not talk to our old "gang" again. Any of us... something happened (no one knows what) and you pulled yourself away.

Dude. That's just weird. What is going on? We were all SO close in high school and even those few years after. We were the group of friends everyone wished they had. And now... now you won't talk to us?

So yes... you pester my mind. I'd love for you to tell me your story... cause I'd love to continue to be a part of it.
Love ya!
R

Letter 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Dear me...

When I think of who I am and I compare that to who I wish I could be... I'm not surprised to find that there isn't much I'd change. Of course, I'm not perfect and so there is plenty to change... but I think my mistakes are what make me "me".

But... if I could alter me a little... I'd probably want to:

• love the way Jesus loved
• be more confident
• think with my head before my heart
• have a college degree
• be a size 6... (can I say that?)
• say the right thing all the time
• hate chocolate

But then... if I could be someone else... I wouldn't be me.
And that wouldn't be much fun.
me

Letter 17 — Someone from your childhood

Hey G!

You popped up in my mind right away.

Your presence in my childhood made it memorable. You were and are such a sweet person. You were game for just about anything. I don't remember us ever fighting/arguing about anything.

Here's what I do remember:
- The Coconut Bar
- your dad's famous (secret) soup
- mini bottles of pop (when they first came out!)
- using an entire bottle of vanilla extract when making a cake (and how your mom wasn't happy we mis-read the instructions!)
- the Kid's Kamp
- riding around on four wheelers
- the way your laundry smelled (yeah, I know. I think it's weird too)
- your princess bed (and how I so wanted one!)
- your giant toy room
- the really awesome Halloween costumes you had
- our trip to Florida (and matching bikinis and dresses!)
- playing in your jacuzzi tub!
- camping with you, your mom and brother for a week in the Soo (for skating lessons)

Thanks, fille, for making my childhood exciting and wonderful and rich.
I love you lots,
me

Letter 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Dear C... I'm writing to you again because you live in a different State... and I miss you terribly.

I'd like you to know that I think moving all the way to Texas was probably one of the best choices you've made. I think, from talking to you, that you've found a new perspective on life. You needed that. You needed the distance to give you a fresh start.

You've been gone for a few years and you talk about coming back... I'm not sure if that's going to happen or not (I'd like it to!) but for now, Texas is where you and your family below. You've grown a lot since your departure and I'm not sure what Kansas would feel like to you, should you return.

I pray for you guys...
Love,
Renee

Letter 15 — The person you miss the most

Dear family...

I miss you guys the most. I can't say that it's one more than the other... it's just all of you. For me, you're a complete set. My visits back home with you, fill my soul. Our various conversation heals my heart from the time missed.

I miss our jokes. I miss our talks. I miss our walks. Most of all I miss you. My roots.

I hope to see you soon...
Je vous aime,
Renee

Letter 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Dear C...

We still keep in touch... a little. But we used to be so much more into each other lives.

You are from a chapter in my life that seems like a lifetime ago and... it really could be. A time when we were both trying to figure out where we fit while struggling with some major bumps in the road.  You lost your sweet baby girl just a year before we ever met but when you speak of her still today, I hear the heartbreak behind that smile. When V passed it shook us all to the core. So many choices made, so many lives changed.

What I admire about you is the way you always, always, overcome. You have this spirit inside you that refuses to give in to depression or self-pity. You have a heart of gold. You forgive, you forget, you move forward. And you don't judge.

What beautiful memories I hold onto because of you. Our wild ride to Canada, the "meese" we got to see, the amazing support and love you gave me when I miscarried as well as the support you gave me at my very first RockFest (was that really support?!). :)

I love you, C. I wish you lived closer and I wish I wasn't so rotten at keeping up with people who move away. You are an amazing woman. Thanks for (still) being my friend.

Love,
Renee

Sweet 13

Ma belle A...

I've known you for exactly 535 days.
I remember our very first meeting. You were very shy and I was so nervous. Meeting your dad's new girlfriend could not have been easy... especially, as you tell me, with all those evil step-mother stories floating around in your head.

535 days with you in my life has been quite the blessing. You are a beautiful young lady and today is your birthday (posted a bit late... sorry!). From what I know of you, I love every piece of you.

I love...
... your love of any bright and loud color.
... your love for your family.
... your passion for the Lord.
... your love of flip flops (who's your dad?!)
... your creativity.
... your sensitivity.
... your Type A personality. ha!
... your love of cats (and dogs!).
... your sense of humor.

535 days of you has been awesome. I can't wait to spend hundreds and hundreds more!
I love you lots,
Renee

Letter 13 — Someone you wish you could forgive

No letter for this one needed... I tend to forgive pretty easily. I'm not sure if that's good or bad... I tend to think it's a sweet gift God has given me.

Maybe I have been able to forgive so easily because the hurts that have been caused haven't been towards my children. I don't know how easily I could forgive someone hurting them... I hope I could find the peace in my heart to make the right choice then too...

We all make mistakes. Some are huge and some are small. We aren't perfect...

My mistakes aren't any better or any worse than yours. Not forgiving means I hold myself at a higher standard than you. That I am more perfect than you. I don't and I'm not.

I forgive because I need forgiveness.

Letter 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Dear Ms. Person...

I don't hate anyone or anything but I have to admit... you tend to be a pain in my butt. You are the person who triggered my very first anxiety attack. That's pretty crazy. 

I love calmness, predictability and appropriateness... all of which you struggle with. It's ok to be the way you are, to let emotion overtake you and to go with the feelings, but for me... I can't do that. I can't be around someone who's behavior I can't predict.

I've known you for a while now and I love you. I think you have a good heart. I also think you struggle deeply with all kinds of emotional junk (as we all do) that you can't seem to work through. I get that. And I'm sorry for your past and I'm sorry for your hurts.

From now into the future, we'll have to see each other once in a while and communicate over family matters, but today... today I choose to protect myself from future hurts and future drama. Today I choose to limit my involvement with you in order to protect myself and my children from hurts that may come from your instability.

I love you and will continue to love you and I wish you nothing but the very best,
Renee

Letter 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to

Cher Grand-Papa...

You've been gone for a few years now and I think of you often... your birthday is coming up and I know it makes Mom pretty sad. She's now an orphan.

Now that I'm older (and I'd like to think, a bit wiser), I would love the opportunity to sit with you and to talk about your childhood, how you met Grand-Maman. How you felt when she passed, leaving you with 5 very young children.

Were your parents entrepeneurs like you? What was your favorite business to own? What was going on in your mind when you had a stroke in your early 60's? Were you able to really enjoy the last 20 some odd years? And Mimi... tell me about how you fell in love with her...

What did you enjoy the most about life? Was God always a part of if?

Enjoy your time in heaven because when I get there... we'll be chatting for quite a while.
Je t'aime, Grand-Papa.
Renee

Letter 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

My sweet sweet C...

I'm horrible at keeping up with you (and anyone else who isn't within a 25 mile radius of me)... thank goodness for Facebook!

Life has this way of keeping me plugged in to those who are physically near me. I have trouble taking a step back and looking beyond what is begging for my immediate attention.

It's funny though, that when we do get a chance to chat or visit, we're right back to where we were when we last left off. Maybe it's because we were inseparable during those crazy hormone filled years. Or maybe it's because you truly accept me now for who I am... who I've become.

I miss the days of our "coffees" at the Columbia and working at Mariette's with you. I miss working at the chip stand or heading to the beach or the pool hall... or anywhere, as long as I got to do with you. You were my best friend. You are my life long friend.

Thank you for accepting me the way I am... lack of communication or loads of communication. You love me just the way I am. And I love you just the way you are!

Your forever (and horrible at keeping in touch) friend,
Ren

Letter 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Dear President Obama,

I don't know you and you certainly don't know me.
I'm actually surprised that your name came up when I thought about who I wish I could meet because... even if I could have voted... I wouldn't have voted for you. There are numerous reasons but in the end it comes down to values for me and Democratic values don't seem to sync with my more... conservative (Republican) values.

Why would I want to meet you? Because even though I wouldn't have voted for you, someone did. Lots of someones did and you won and you are now the President of the USA, a country I love very much. And I believe you are doing the very best that you can to manage and lead it.

I suppose I'd just like the opportunity to sit down and understand you more. Understand the many many influences that affect your decision making. I'd like to truly understand your heart. It's not just because it's "you"... it would be any president really. We often gripe and complain about all these decisions being made in Washington and we think we know what's going on based on what we hear from well written speeches and news channels trying to make a buck... but I tend to think we hear maybe 20% of the truth... (maybe?)

So what's the real deal? What's really going on over there in your world?

Would you tell me? If we met...
Renee

Letter 8 - Your favorite internet friend

I don't have any "internet friends" however, I follow some really cool blogs and so...

Dear Authors-of-Blogs-That-I-Follow,

I'm not sure what it was at first that drew me into your blogs. Your honesty? For some yes... Your creativity? Yes... Your ability to write as though talking to a friend... most definitely.

Whatever the reason, you're on my list of blog reads. I turn to you every morning to see what is happening in your world. You make me laugh, make me cry and inspire me to be me. Thank you for opening up your life's experience to the world wide web and especially to me.

Your "follower",
Renee

Letter 7 - My ex-boyfriend

Dear ex-boyfriend,

There were ex-boyfriends before you and ex-boyfriends after you, but today I'm writing to you because you're the one that I lusted after harder than any other. I broke your heart and you broke mine. Teenage love is quite complicated and ours was no different.

I want to thank you for never making me feel pressured to do anything I didn't want to... for treating me like a lady (you know... a 15 year old lady). For walking quite a distance to walk me to school (seriously thoughtful!) and for calling me and paying attention in an appropriate manner. And for fighting for me even when I didn't deserve it or accept it.

Our very brief teenage fling(s) taught me about the consequences of my actions and words in a "real" relationship. You were my first try at something more mature and I'm grateful it was you whom I got to share that with.

I pray that you are doing well in your current relationship and that I blessed your life, as you did mine.
Renee

Letter 6 - A stranger

Hey there stranger! :)

You don't know me and I don't know you... So what would I tell you about me? What are the most important things you should know about me?

I'm a Christian.
I'm a wife and mother.
I'm loyal.
I forgive easily.
I love hard.
It seems impossible for me to hate (I haven't been able to do it yet...).
I will reason loving others even if it hurts me.
I love to serve.
I'm curious.
I hate to disapoint, but it happens.
I love peace and dislike confrontations.
I suffer from anxiety.
I'm an optimist.
I love to laugh.
I like to have things my way.
Some say I'm a good leader, but I prefer to follow.
I clean like crazy when I'm stressed out.
I strive to be transparent, always.
I am very patient... but you'd better watch out when I run out!
I like to talk.
I love to read.
I like a good party...
... but I also like to be alone.
I struggle with finding balance in my life.

Why is it important that you know this about me? Because those things are part of my core. It's who I am.  So if we ever meet and you wonder what I'm all about... you'll already know.

Until we meet...
Renee

Letter 5 - Your dreams

My dreams...

I have many of you and I love you all the same. Some of you are simple and easily attainable while others require some serious faith in God.

Some of you have morphed from a little girls fantasy to a grown woman's truth. I refuse to give any of you up because that's not who I am. I will keep you, hold on to you, create more of you until the day I take my last breath because I believe without you, life loses some of it's splendor.

Thanks for sticking by me and letting me lean on you during trying times.
Renee

Letter 4 - Your sibling

My sweet J...

What a bumpy road we've been on, you and I... :)  We've had quite the tumultuous relationship and I'd do it all over again if it meant we'd have the relationship we do today.

We are so completely different but we share a history, a present and a future. We are the product of our parents love and sacrifice.

Our lives are far greater than what we thought it would be when we were little girls. I have far less children than what we talked about and you have far more! I live in the "big city" and you are a "small town" girl.  You live close to Mom and Dad, whereas I moved thousands of miles away. It's funny isn't it? How things are never quite how you planned? They still end up just the way they are supposed to.

You've grown so much in the last few years. So much so that it's hard to believe you are still the same girl I grew up with. Your outlook on life is so much different. I love to be able to share about motherhood with you and listen to you over the phone as you cry about life's hardships and know that I can do the same.

I love you the way you were, the way you are and the way you'll be. Not because I have to but because I choose to.

I love you,
"The good sister" :)
Renee

The magic number

5. It's a big number. One you've been waiting on for a while. Your magic number. The number that makes you giggle. You love this number and I can't quite figure out what makes it so wonderful... but you can have it. It's all yours. You've earned it. We've both earned it. 5 years of full crazy days. 5 years of giggles, tantrums, less than wonderful eating habits and never-want-to-end cuddles.

You are 5.

You are my baby. My last. My sweet curly blond haired boy. Did you know I prayed for you to have blond curly hair and brown eyes like your daddy? And that you make faces and look more and more like my daddy every day? But that's where the similarities end. You are your own person.

You are one of the most strong-willed, determined, confident preschoolers I have ever met. You have an amazing memory, you love to learn, you have a can-do attitude about everything. You have a sweet heart and you love Jesus. What more can a mama ask for?

I love you my little Monkey. I hope "5" is everything you hope for!
Love,
Mommy

Letter 3 - Parents

A mes parents que j'aime avec tout mon coeur,

Let me begin by telling you that I appreciate you so much more now then I ever have. I can't say that I completely understand what it was like to raise us girls, but I have a glimpse into your life while raising my own children.

You were and continue to be amazing.

Thank you.

Thank you for...
...always trying your very best.
...making us a priority.
...making your marriage a priority.
...taking us to church.
...being affectionate towards each other in front of us.
...kissing and hugging us like crazy.
...creating for us beautiful childhood memories.
...respecting each other.
...showing us how to be friends by being friends to others.
...shielding your own personal struggles from us.
...being a team when all you wanted to do was run from each other.
...creating a safe home where we could talk to you about anything.
...creating a home where we could always have our friends over.
...being involved in our lives (through school/sports/friends/etc)
...snuggling (and sometimes falling asleep) with us for as old as we wanted you to!

But most of all... thank you for being you.

Mom, I love you more than the whole wide world and back again. Dad... Je t'aime fort fort plus que tout les nuages!!!

Marie-Renee
xo

Letter 2 - Your husband

Dear B,

Today we've been married for 84 days. Can you believe it?!

I have loved every one of those 84 (yes, even those not so fabulous ones), because I spent them with you.

I have and continue to learn a lot about myself because of you. You challenge my thinking, my motives and my heart. Even during my not-so-great moments, you are patient and loving and for that I love you all the more. I love that I can be honest with you about everything. I hope you feel the same with me.

Your willingness to continually learn about life/relationships/others is inspiring. You are comfortable in your own skin and that confidantes makes those around you feel comfortable as well.

You are an amazing husband but most importantly (for me) a really awesome step-dad. You have a heart for those boys that most have to work on for years. You want the best and success for them not just now but in their future. Thank you. Thank you for loving them so much.

You are my best friend and I am so blessed to have you to share my life with...

Here are just a few things that  you do that make me smile!

1. The insane nicknames you have for me.
2. The way you lay out your clothes for the next day... sometimes days before.
3. That you never finish a bar of soap.
4. The look on your face when I ask you what you're thinking about. :)
5. Your love of coupons.

All my love,
Renee

P.S. And of course I love that you know all kinds of "interesting" sports trivia...

Letter 1 - Your best friend

To my sweet sister by choice,

We met in such an awkward and weird way that only God could orchestrate. I didn't realize how much I needed you and now I can't imagine my life without you.

Right now our relationship is redefining itself. We're in different places in our lives and we have made some pretty big life changing choices. We've worked on ourselves as individuals for a while now and we've come out more confident, not only more sure of ourselves but more sure of our direction. This relationship growth makes us uncomfortable and insecure at times. We both don't like change but we both see the fruits of its growth.

We've seen each other at our worst, at our best and everything in between. You know exactly when I need a good kick in the butt and when I need a hug. You listen when no one else will and you always have something great to say... whether I want to hear it or not.

We have been through quite a bit during the past years. Every new year we tell ourselves "This is our year!" only to have something pretty major happens that seems to have one of us bawling. But you know what? When I think of it, I realize that it's always been "our year", because we've done it together.

Thank you for always being there to listen and to sit in it with me. Thank you for finishing my sentences. Thank you for understanding our language so well. Thank you for reading my facial expressions and knowing exactly what I'm thinking. And thank you for loving me just the way I need to be loved.

I pray that I am as good of a friend to you as you are to me...
Yours forever
~Ray :)

30 days of letters

I stumbled upon this somewhere in the the world wide web... and decided I should give it a go. This could be a good growing opportunity for me... and for you? Tomorrow will be Letter 1...

Letter 1 — Your best friend
Letter 2 — Your husband/wife/lover/bf/gf/crush
Letter 3 — Your parents
Letter 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Letter 5 — Your dreams
Letter 6 — A stranger
Letter 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Letter 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Letter 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Letter 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Letter 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Letter 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Letter 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Letter 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Letter 15 — The person you miss the most
Letter 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Letter 17 — Someone from your childhood
Letter 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Letter 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Letter 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Letter 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Letter 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Letter 23 — The last person you kissed
Letter 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Letter 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Letter 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Letter 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Letter 28 — Someone that changed your life
Letter 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Letter 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

What if you gave everything?

There's a song I love by Matthew West called "Motions". Every time I hear it, I feel inspired/motivated/convicted to live fully, to truly let God into my soul and let Him take over. To stop making life a series of motion with no heart or passion.

It's that kind of song.

Christian or not, I'm sure you can relate to this song. Do you live in motions or are you getting out there and really living life passionately? Are you consumed with something that makes you want more, do more? Or are you set in a life pattern that has you spinning like a hamster on a wheel?
What if you gave everything? What if you allowed God to consume you with Himself? Allowed the passion to fill you and to live it...

I think passion scares some. It scares me. Because being filled with God's passion means there's action to be taken. Whether that is being more purposeful in relationships, taking real notice of the beauty that surrounds, taking notice of all miracles, or making changes to our lives that might be uncomfortable or challenging. A life that is full of purpose and passion is distinctive. Others see it, feel it, and want to be part of it. People who are living that life have a spark in their eye and an extra bounce in their step. They are truly resting in their passion. In their everything. In their God.

Relationship moments

Relationships. I mentioned earlier that I wanted deeper, more meaningful ones. Initially, I thought it would be hard, time consuming... but I haven't felt burdened by it. I also haven't defined what "deeper and more meaningful relationships" means to me. Maybe I should, but it might make this more like a chore and less like a life...

I've done a couple of different things to reach out... nothing huge or drastic. Nothing that required a lot of time, but it did take some thought. A girl and her thoughts... that could be scary. Sending a card or making / taking a call I hadn't planned on. When someone pops into my mind, I pray for them... nothing in particular, just pray. Stepping out of my own little box (schedule) to connect with those I love in physical, emotional and spiritual ways.

I created these many reasons why it was hard to stay connected to others... because when I do things, I like them to be big. I like to spend lots of time and thought on it. But those things (parties, dinners, etc) are not always practical and they take lots of energy and time and life isn't always allow for those things to happen. And so, I didn't do anything and I wasn't connecting with my friends and that left me feeling gross. I've realized that, as wonderfully fun and exciting those things are, what I should be looking for are little slivers of time where I can say a sweet word or send a note or stop over for coffee. The moments when relationships are strengthened and life is cherished. Those moments. Those thoughtful gestures, are for me, totally do-able and a great way to stay connected in this chapter of my life.

So I ask you... What are your favorite moments with friends?

Faith

Miss A was baptized on Saturday. It was an incredible evening and I feel not only proud of her decision but to have been a part of it and to be part of her life.

That evening, as I saw B submerge her into the warm pool, it brought about some wonderful memories. I have been able to witness about two dozen baptism since my own in 2002, but my favorites are by far the ones with people whom I know.

When my little Peanut was baptized I cried. It was a sweet tender moment and I felt overwhelmed with love and comfort. When one specific cousin (in law) was baptized I remember he came out and we all stood around congratulating him and he raised his arms in the air and said he felt himself changed, that he didn't really think he would, but he did.

Christian baptisms to me are the most innocent, pure, and freeing things.

It's making a choice. It's accepting forgiveness. It's letting go and letting God. It's life changing. It's faith.

Little lawyers

I am not a fan of lawyers. I'm sure Casey Anthony is... and probably O.J. Simpson... and I'm sure if I had to use one of those kinds of lawyers, I'd probably be more partial to them but the lawyers I'm talking about are the lawyers that live in my head. And yours.

You know, the little lawyers that go out into the world and gather evidence as to why this person or that one will let you down or what they must be thinking or doing about whatever in their lives or they give you gobs of reasons why you shouldn't do something because of your past failures. They are so good at gathering tons of evidence as to why things and people will fail you. They never want to let you open your heart, because they prove to you that your heart and your head can't be trusted.

They never seem to touch the good stuff. The evidence that this world, at the core, has some good in it.

Call me naive (I've been called worse!)... but I believe there is good in each person in this world. We've all been created the same way. Some of us have been hurt more than others. Some have had some horrible crazy, unimaginable things happen to us. But in the end, we are bound by one Holy God who loves us unconditionally and who asks that we love others the same way.

So when those lawyers want to start showing you the evidence again, blanket it with love and then review it. Sometimes it's best to sever ties. Sometimes it's not. Always, it's best to love.

So "American"

I stood in the kitchen and took in a deep breath.

This is it, I thought. This is what peace, love, hope, dreams, stability... this is what it feels like.

Life is so good and so "American". Do you feel it? If you don't, I pray you will. This peace inside yourself. This feeling of being so full and happy just where you are.

Life isn't perfect. There's always something to be done or call to return... but breathing it all in. This is it. This my little piece of heaven on earth. The people, the noise, the smells, the love I feel. This is it.

I know it won't always feel like this and that I'll have days of anxiousness, but right now... I'm going to bask in my little morsel of peace.

Deep

It seems the Lord is speaking to me lately... I've been reading "Wisdom Walks" and it's just been life changing. It's a lot of work, but I'm enjoying every step of it. In conjunction with this study, the blogs that I follow (all different people, different points of view) all have a common theme these days; simplyfing life and creating deeper relationships. It mirrors my book's earlier lessons.

My heart is full. I want that. I want deep relationships. Not just in one area of my life, but in all. With my husband, with my girlfriends, with my parents, with my sister, with my children... I want to feel them ingrained in my life. I want transparency. I want to look them in the eyes when we talk. To have real meaningful relationship, deep, strong relationships.

I'm searching my heart, clearing my schedule and praying like crazy that God will clearly show me the way.

Lies

I read a friend of mine's blog where she wrote about Satan's lies. Lies about us, our inadequacies, our failures. She finished by asking what lies the devil whispers in our ears. I commented with mine. That I've failed my children because I divorced their father. I know it's a lie. I know beautiful blessings come through all kinds of messes. I know. But Satan has an ugly hand on that part of my heart.

My friend commented back that she was surprised that I struggled with such lies... that I seem to have it all together. Ha! I SOOOO wish I did!

Or maybe I don't.

Because when I have to ask for help, I create beautiful relationships.
Because when I stumble, I am humbled.
Because when I am imperfect, God's love makes me perfect.
Because when I fail, my children learn that it's ok to fail and that there are beautiful lessons to be learned.

I don't have it together. I never will. I stumble, fall and sometimes sit in my mess because I'm too lazy/ashamed/angry to ask God for His help.

I'm such a mess. And I couldn't be happier about it. God's got it all together... I'll just walk under His umbrella of grace!

The road ahead

I think. I hope. I pray. I believe... that life is about to get into a more normal regular pattern. It's also making me work harder on myself. Big life changes tend to do that. :o)

God, it seems, wants me to really figure out what is important to me. As the kids get older, their schedules become busier. As I grow in who I am, I discover what I enjoy and how much time I'm willing to sacrifice to do it. I'm discovering that what I believed I loved, I don't as much anymore. My passions have been modified.

I think that's normal. As life goes on, our hearts and spirit are being molded, changed. The things we thought would be a "someday" have found the day. We are drawn to things that reflect where we've been and what we've learned.

It is time to take a good look at my surroundings and listen to the Holy Spirit's whisper.

I'm the girl who...

I'm the girl who...
trusts when she shouldn't.
could eat chocolate ice cream every single day.
is more comfortable hugging then shaking hands.
is horrible at keeping in touch with those who live far away.
loves being a mama.
loves being outdoors.
would choose a book over the tv anytime.
but can't pass up a good movie.
wears black every chance I get (daily).
would rather have my heart broken then never share it.
who lives life authentically and...
...who makes mistakes along the way.
who loves the experience.
is very patient for some... and very impatient for others.
is determined.
loves.

The adjustment period

I remember when I found myself alone in an apartment with two boys.
I had to get used to not having someone to share my day with.
I had to get used to making dinner on my own.
I had to get used to not feeling the weight of someone else next to me in bed.
I had to get used to being on my own.

But then... after a while it got easier and it was even nice to be able to run my own show. Sure those feelings of loneliness would creep up, but not for long. Never for long, because the boys kept me pretty busy.

I remember when I got engaged a few months back.
I knew I had to get used to sharing my day with someone.
I knew I had to get used to making dinner with someone else.
I knew I had to get used to feeling the weight of someone else next to me in bed.
I knew I had to get used to not doing it alone anymore.

I also knew... there would be an adjustment period.

Grumpy me

I've been grumpy this week. Very grumpy.

Sure I can blame it on PMS (and I have) but some of it, if I'm honest with myself has to do with control.
Oh, you thought I was all "healed" from that ugly little struggle?

Nope.
Not. At. All.

It rears it's ugly head whenever I feel like things are changing. Living with someone new (whom I love to pieces!), in the middle of a move, the apartment in shambles, trying to get original with meals (using what we have so we don't have to move more stuff), trying to get things cleaned so we can get the deposit back, trying to get marriage certificates and name changes... Oh... and you know. Life in general.

I laid in my bed last night praying. I prayed that God would help me choose better words, appease my anxiety and help me to enjoy the process of change. I asked. He will answer. I just had to ask!

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
Matt 7:7

So far so good!

I've been married for almost 3 weeks.

I love this way better than the dating. He doesn't have to go home. I get to snuggle up with him on the couch as much as I want. I get to see him in the morning... and every single night before I fall asleep, I feel his foot or his hand or his arm brushing up against me. Yum!

Life is good.

The third

The Trinity is probably one of the hardest things for me to wrap my mind around. Three in one. Three individuals as one individual. Working together. A whole but separate.

I understand God. In my heart, soul and mind, I know His power in my life. I understand Him (as much as my small mind can!). I understand Christ, His sweet sacrifice, His love, His life, His sacrifice. I understand these two well enough, but not perfectly, because I read about them. I hear their voices in my heart. Their stories fill the pages of my Bible. But the Holy Spirit. That's a tough one for me. He seems so separate from the other two, but according to the Bible, He's not separate but very a whole and real part of the other God and Christ. Where does He fit? Why does He seem so apart for me? Why when I pray for God to fill my heart and soul with the things I need do I forget the one who fills my body?

That, my friends, is what I'll be studying in the next few months. I pray my mind can understand and really connect with the third (and equally important) part of the Trinity.

Switching up words

I'm not sure if this is new to you or not but for me, I've heard it either in therapy or running around in my head for the past 2 years...

I'm not a good wife/mom/daughter/girlfriend because I do this and this and this... Because I'm a good wife/mom/daughter/girlfriend, I do this, this, and this.

It's such a hard concept for me to grasp, it dissolves expectations which in turn minimizes disappointments. It also frees me from so many different pressures, pressures I inflict on myself. Pressures no one asks of me.

I wish I could...

I wish I could ease your heart.
I wish I could take away your fears.
I wish I could tame your anxiety.
I wish I could have the right words.
I wish I could make all the right choices.
I wish I could put him on my lap and rock his worries away.

When there's a will...

You have to give me a break. I've had a lot on my mind lately... you know... wedding... moving... summer in general...

The top of my dryer has been loaded with various craft supplies because I've been using them often lately and I've been too lazy to put it all away. So... it was my own fault when I pulled out the lint trap and had a glue stick roll straight down the hole. I didn't panic. Oh no. Not me. I pulled the dryer out, unscrewed the 20 billion screws on the back of the dryer to find out there is NO WAY to get into the lint area from the back... or the front... or the top... Seriously. I couldn't leave the glue stick in there! What if it melted, or caused a fire?

I waited for B to come over later on that day with a metal hanger to try and pull it out. Nope. Not budging. It's the most irritating thing to be able to reach something but not be able to do anything about it! So I look at B with a very determined look on my face. "We're pulling out the dryer and we're going to flip it upside down and hopefully it will roll out." Now B and I have been together for over a year but I still seem to surprise him with my ideas (What? Isn't that the first thing you'd think of???). So I sat myself on the floor and we flipped the dryer on top of my knees. I banged that dryer so hard that all three children looked at me like I'd lost it. I had. I lost that stinkin' glue stick and I was going to get it OUT!

Ok. So the banging and flipping over didn't work. Did I give up? Uh, no. Never! After laying it down and finding various other "treasures", I decide to flip that dryer upside down one more time and... out rolled the glue stick! There were some cheering and hollering (all coming from me only) and a high five (with B who was still wondering what in the world he was getting himself into in just a few short days).  Ah... victory was mine!

...there's always a way.

Your eyes

It would be awesome to see things through your eyes.

To see the world in a different way. To appreciate things differently. To love using a different part of myself. To hear what you hear when I speak. To get a different perspective on life, love and faith. To understand you in a more intimate way. To literally walk a day in your shoes.

Your eyes could open up a whole new world for me. It could open up possibilities. It could shut doors. It could help me love deeper. It could help me grow just as much as it could knock me down.

Things through your eyes could change the way I view you. But it could also change the way I view me.

Motivation

Do you do it because you are loved or so that you’ll be loved?

That's the question that popped out of my devotional a few days ago.
Do I do things because I am loved or to receive love?

There was a time in my life when I did a lot of things to be loved. To feel loved and worthy. I struggled with who I was and how I fit in this big world. I let others actions and reactions dictate who I was. With a lot of hard work and study I know who I am (Psalm 139:14) and daily I am reminded by my worth in Christ.

Do I do things because I am loved or so that I'll be loved? I do them because I am loved (and love). I do them because I know who I am and I want to share myself with others. I do them because regardless of the waves that rock my boat, I know I can (and will) step out of the boat and walk across the lake to find the peace, the hope and the love Christ has for me.

26 days

Does he know how blessed I feel to have him be a part of my life?
Or how much I respect him?
Or that his heart never ceases to impress me?
Or that he really makes me laugh?
Or how even during our most frustrating arguments, there's no one I'd rather have those arguments with?
Or that his honesty can sometimes hurt, but I appreciate it?
Or that he's a lot more patient than he gives himself credit for?
Or that I could stare at him all day long?
Or that he's a really great guy?
Or that 26 days seems like f-o-r-e-v-e-r?
Or that I can't wait to start f-o-r-e-v-e-r with him?

Raw

We live in a world of deception and hurt. Where people wear masks to cover themselves up.

Lately I've been working on accepting people's reactions/words because that's what I have that is real and present. I can't read thoughts. I choose to believe that we all do the best we can with where we are in our lives...

On a daily basis, I remind myself that I'm walking in my own shoes. I don't understand the other's life circumstances or past hurts. I have to believe what is in front of me today. Or choose not to. Whatever choice I make I have to make based on the facts presented not a hypothesis I create using the "I'll bet he..." or "If I were her...".

Sometimes I get burned. Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised. Always, I'm real and raw.

Listen

I just need you to listen to me. Listen to my heart, not my voice.
My words may not say what I mean, but my heart always does.

When I'm feeling flooded, the last thing I need is a "fix". I need you to sit with me in my hurt. I need you to sympathize with my heart. I need you to leave my head out of the conversation and concentrate on my heart. I need you to listen to me.

Needs

God’s provision sustains life.
Satan’s temptation drains life.
God’s provision in the short term will reap blessings in the long term.
Satan’s temptation in the short term will reap heartache in the long term.
God’s provision satisfies the soul.
Satan’s temptation gratifies the flesh.
~Proverbs 31 Ministries

A beautiful reminder that God will meet all of my needs (and yours!) according to His riches.

You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. ~Philippians 4:19

Trust Him. Embrace His truth. Live His promise.
I needed to hear that today.

Rules

Live for God. Obey the Scriptures. Think of others before yourself. Be holy. Love Jesus. As as you do these things, do whatever else you like, with whomever you like, wherever you like, and you'll be walking in the will of God.
Just Do Something ~ Kevin DeYoung

What a freeing statement that is. I think as Christians we tend to create such a tangled web. We create these rules and "have to's" for ourselves that God doesn't ask for or even want! We wait and wait for God to give us answers or direction on things He really doesn't care about. Do I care if my kids go to one university over the other? Nope - it won't affect much. Do I care that they have a heart for Christ? Yep - that affects everything. God feels the same way about us, His children. He cares about the big stuff, the other trivial stuff isn't that big of a deal.

God's concern is my heart. My concern is my heart.

Sitting on my bed

"Mommy, did you sit on your bed when you were a little girl and hope to have a Reecie and a Ryan? That was the question my little Monkey asked me one night as I picked him up from preschool.

Yes. I did.

There isn't anything else I've been as certain about in my entire life as I was to become a mother... to a little Peanut and Monkey.

Being a mother was a part of me before I actually became one. There isn't a part of me that questions that. Yes there are days I wonder if, while I was sitting on the bed dreaming about my future babies, if I ever really truly understood what that meant. :o)

I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Bouncing

Have you ever bounced your eyes?

Let's say every single day you ate oatmeal and only oatmeal because it's good for you, it's filling and it's quite tasty (it's the flavored kind!). Well one day, right next to your oatmeal you see the biggest, thickest piece, most decadent piece of chocolate cake. You know the chocolate cake is forbidden and so you go on eating your oatmeal, but still... every day you see this exquisite piece of cake. After a while you tell yourself it wouldn't hurt to just take a tiny little bite of the cake, I mean, it's not like eating the whole thing and it really wouldn't spoil your appetite for the oatmeal (which is good and nutritious and tasty). Well one bit leads to another bite and soon you just don't want to even look at the oatmeal. Actually, at this point the oatmeal looks boring and drab and so... predictable.

This analogy is my feeble attempt at explaining some things I've learned through the "Every Man's Battle" books (great books by the way). In the book they talk about the above (in some fancy writer words) to describe how a man can fall into sin when he looks to see past his oatmeal (wife) and towards the chocolate cake (secretary/coworker/neighbor/etc). What the author suggests is that men (and women) need to exercise "bouncing their eyes" - to avoid looking at the temptation, or what could be a temptation, you'll feel satisfied with what you have. The author suggests finding something to bounce your eyes towards such as looking back to the oatmeal or towards Christ, or to the white wall, or to your children, or to your dirty feet - anything in order to keep your eyes pure and focused on what's important.

This week I've put some more thought on this... it's not just about "bouncing" from sexual temptation, it's about "bouncing" from all temptation and one of the best ways to avoid temptations is working on a grounded identity; in other words, figuring out who you are and what you need. Truly understanding yourself and loving yourself just the way God made you. He's God! He didn't mess you up!

Temptations are unresolved weaknesses. Don't let your weaknesses tempt you into making some pretty ridiculous and often destructive choices. There's a reason God gave you oatmeal. :o)

But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name. John 1:12

Time

The days are long but the years are short. ~Gretchen Rubin

It's true isn't it?

There are moments, days even, when I find myself wishing the time away - wishing the world away and other times when I want to push the pause button and bask in it.

Days... months... years  pass... Did I make the best of them? Am I making the best of the present? Am I truly making every single moment here on earth count. Am I leaving my children a beautiful legacy? What will they remember of me? Will they cling to their faith when the world rocks their hearts? Will my family know my heart? Understand my mission? How will others describe me when I'm gone?

I only get one shot. There's no do over.
The days are long and the years are short... I pray that I use my long days to make up for the short years.

Thoughts

Today I'm writing because...

... my heart is full.
... my head is spinning.
... the tears keep slipping.
... the truth is there.
... things aren't fair.
... it may have been true.
... it was confirmed to be true.
... the healing takes time.

Influence

"The people who influence us most are not those who buttonhole us and talk to us, but those who live their lives like the stars in heaven and the lilies in the field, perfectly simply and unaffectedly. Those are the lives that mold us.


If you want to be of use to God, get rightly related to Jesus Christ and He will make you of use unconsciously every minute you live." ~ The Utmost for His Highest (Oswald Chambers)

After reading this devotional, I sat on my bed and thought about the people who have molded who I am with their good or bad examples...

I've been touched. I've been changed.
I've touched and I've changed.

That's a frightening thought. Every day I work towards being rightly related to Jesus Christ but I know I fail. I'm learning, trying and I pray that as I move towards building a stronger, more consistent relationship that He'll be able to use more of me unconsciously every minute I live and use the other moments to demonstrate His grace in my life.

Life List

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark Twain

Here are 60 things I'd like to do in my lifetime. Goofy, serious, or just plain crazy - it's my life and I only get to live it once.

1. Swim with dolphins
2. Visit every State (USA)...
3. ...and Province (Canada)
4. Spend some time under the Tuscan sun
5. Rock my grandchildren to sleep
6. Own a forever home
7. Scuba dive
8. Spend an entire summer in Wawa
9. Go to Disney World with the kiddos
10. Take a cruise
11. Create life
12. Throw a giant just-because party for my friends and family
13. Own an elephant's painting
14. Take a dance class
15. Take a "girlfriends only" trip
16. Get paid to do what I love
17. Refinish a piece of furniture
18. Make some one's dream come true
19. Experience Mardi Gras in New Orleans
20. Be able to see my abs
21. Take a photography class
22. Anonymously pay for some one's groceries
23. Witness a birth
24. Make pasta from scratch
25. Make and can jam
26. Teach my children to be Godly people
27. Fly my nephews here for an entire summer
28. Write a book
29. See a Broadway show
30. Have my favorite scriptures memorized
31. Attend a Country Living Antique Fair
32. Grow/maintain a vegetable garden
33. Spend 3 months doing missionary work abroad
34. Lead someone to Christ
35. Lead a "green" life
36. Take one shopping trip that mimics the people from "Extreme Couponing"
37. See a professional ballet performance
38. Learn to surf
39. Visit the holy land
40. Climb an active volcano
41. Ride in a hot air balloon
42. Inspire someone
43. Visit the Grand Canyon
44. Learn to make pottery
45. Get a college degree
46. Build a Habitat for Humanity Home
47. Be an extra in a movie
48. Consistently send birthday cards to my loved ones + on time
49. Skinny dip in an ocean
50. Ride on a sail boat
51. See Bon Jovi in concert
52. Understand politics
53. Do a somersault on a trampoline
54. Love to wear swimsuits
55. Have an office/craft room
56. Run a half marathon
57. Go on an African safari
58. Write an article for a magazine
59. Retire comfortably
60. Live as a vegetarian for 1 month

Forest fires

I find myself redefining relationships. Relationships that I love and don't want to lose.

People. I love the people from these relationships. People who have seen parts of me that are silly, sad, genuine, ridiculous, honest and crazy.

I feel that at this moment. This time in my life, these relationships need my attention.

I have spent the better part of 2 years defining my relationship with my ex-husband and since that seems to be settling (fingers crossed, lots of prayers) into a nice groove, it's time to define the relationships, the loves associated to him.

In short, I need to figure out how involved I will be with his family. I love them. I love them to pieces. They are beautiful. We have been through more together in 10 years, than most go through in a lifetime.

I was very clear right after I separated that I wanted to have a good relationship with my ex-husband. I did not want bitterness, resentment or just plain crazy behavior. I knew what I didn't want. It didn't always work out the way I wanted it too, but I prayed a lot for patience, for a deeper understanding, and for the right words to say. We both failed but  after a couple of years, I think what we have now works well for the both of us. We're learning to respect our differences and to move forward as two individuals who parent some pretty amazing boys. Does he agree with me on everything? Nope. Do I agree with him on everything? Nope. Will we ever? Most likely not. But I'm ok with that. I'm ok with not agreeing on the little stuff as long as we have the same end goal. Two safe, solid, happy kids.

That relationship is moving forward. We're good. We've re-defined what we look like as parents vs. a couple. Now I stand at a place where I never thought I'd be. These people. These people I love mightily, where do they fit? What does that relationship look now that my relationship with the one person we all had in common is no longer the link?

It's sort of like a huge forest fire. The entire thing is crazy, chaotic and disastrous. What's left are ashes, dirt, death. As the dust settles, when the forest is left alone to heal it's wounds, the ground becomes fertile, healthy. It may take years, but eventually, through the ashes, a new forest grows. It will never again look the way it did, but it comes back non the less. Careful, beautiful, strong.

Jedis and Padawans

Yesterday was a terrible day. Work was very frustrating and when I picked up Monkey, his teacher told me about the 5 tantrums he'd had that afternoon (it's a record, right?). I asked him to apologize to his teacher for his bad behavior. He wouldn't. I told him if he didn't apologize to her, he wouldn't be going to t-ball practice. He refused (he's a bit stubborn).

No t-ball practice.

I drove away from the preschool with tears in my eyes. I knew I was right but I still felt lousy.

Peanut asked me if I was frustrated and I told him I was just sad. He asked why and I told him I didn't like to discipline because it made the kids sad and he said... "Mom. You're like the Jedi Knight and we are the Padawans. You have to teach us so that we can become a great Jedi just like you!"

Wow.

Thank you Peanut for your wisdom. You are so right my young Padawan.