33

I will be 33 in a little over 2 weeks.

33

Jesus was 33 when he was crucified.
He rocked this world. He tore it up and flipped it around. He made an impact. A difference. He saved lives. He loved like crazy.
He still does.

So for me, for my 33rd birthday, I want to dedicate it to Christ. I want to do something radical in my 33rd year. I want to rock this world. I want to flip things around. I want to love like crazy. I want to be more like Him and a whole lot less like me.

Where do I start? What is my plan?

Is it 33 goals to accomplish? Is it just one big thing? What will that look like?
I'm thinking...

My Privilege

It's when he's tickling the boys.
Or he hugs "the girl"...
When he wraps his arms around me in the kitchen.
Reading his Bible.
Sharing his day.
Telling me I'm beautiful.
Laughing with me.
Knowing when to give me space...
... and when to draw me close.
Sharing the raw parts of his heart...
Catching his eye in a room.
His love for those struggling.
The ups...
The downs...

It's the privilege of being his wife.

Deserving

You deserve it.

It's a phrase I do not like. 

When I shared with a friend that we were purchasing a house she was really excited for us and said "oh! How awesome. You guys deserve it!"

She was being kind and toughtful and I so appreciate her support. In reality though... We don't deserve it. 

You know? We deserve punishment. An eternity filled with gnashing of teeth and all things demonic. 

But what do we get? I get? 

Me... Sinful and sin filled?

Blessings. Too many to count. 

A healthy family. Beautiful children. A loving husband. Yearly family vacations. Nice cars. A house...

...a Heavenly Father who blesses me beyond reason. A Father who sees the good through all my mistakes and gifts me with this life. 

I pray I never lose sight of His grace, mercy and love... and that I never feel deserving. 

2 years

Two years ago on this very day, the air was hot and humid and I could not wait to step out in it and into the arms of my groom. 

Who thinks about what is to come, I mean REALLY come, after the guests leave and the dress is put away?

Having done this before I assumed I had seen it all. I had seen much. More than I could have imagined, but never this. My new reality. My new husband. My new family. My new life. 

I like it. A lot. 

It's different, for sure. 

The man calls me on my bs all.the.time. He laughs at my moodiness. He challenges my thoughts. He tells me I am beautiful while I sob over one thing or another. He makes an amazing steak (and I don't even like red meat). He thinks I'm smart. He thanks me for cleaning the bathroom. He listens to my randomness. He is compassionate. Honest (sometimes too much)! Hard working. Funny. God loving. A great dad/step-dad. Loyal. A good listener. Admits when he's wrong. Humble... 

He is my partner. My best friend. My husband. He is mine. 

Happy Anniversary, B. 

love,

Me

XO

I know nothing

I've said this before and again I say it. 

This year is a year of growth. It's a doozy. 

Mistakes, victories, confusion, and clarity fill my days. I have never been more aware of my personal growth. He is stretching me in all directions and it's bitter sweet. 

I was warned that my 30's would bring about discovery of myself. I thought my late 20's taught me a lot, but as is the custom with time and lessons learned... My 20's was only paving a way to my 30's and the molding of my heart, my soul and mind. 

It was with a false sense of confidence that I entered my mid twenties. I wrongly thought that I had been through much and that much had taught me who I was. 

A month shy of my 33rd birthday and I acknowledge whole heartedly that I...know nothing. 

It is with this confidence that I lead my life. I know nothing. And for that I am thankful. 

I mess up like crazy. I love with my entire heart. I want to make the world better. Hold on to the ones I love tighter. Fight for the things that make an eternal difference. Forgive and be forgiven. And do it all with a naive heart. 

To live it all like I know nothing. Because when I do, I find myself humbled by the knowledge of truth and faith that He knows everything.