Lies

I read a friend of mine's blog where she wrote about Satan's lies. Lies about us, our inadequacies, our failures. She finished by asking what lies the devil whispers in our ears. I commented with mine. That I've failed my children because I divorced their father. I know it's a lie. I know beautiful blessings come through all kinds of messes. I know. But Satan has an ugly hand on that part of my heart.

My friend commented back that she was surprised that I struggled with such lies... that I seem to have it all together. Ha! I SOOOO wish I did!

Or maybe I don't.

Because when I have to ask for help, I create beautiful relationships.
Because when I stumble, I am humbled.
Because when I am imperfect, God's love makes me perfect.
Because when I fail, my children learn that it's ok to fail and that there are beautiful lessons to be learned.

I don't have it together. I never will. I stumble, fall and sometimes sit in my mess because I'm too lazy/ashamed/angry to ask God for His help.

I'm such a mess. And I couldn't be happier about it. God's got it all together... I'll just walk under His umbrella of grace!

The road ahead

I think. I hope. I pray. I believe... that life is about to get into a more normal regular pattern. It's also making me work harder on myself. Big life changes tend to do that. :o)

God, it seems, wants me to really figure out what is important to me. As the kids get older, their schedules become busier. As I grow in who I am, I discover what I enjoy and how much time I'm willing to sacrifice to do it. I'm discovering that what I believed I loved, I don't as much anymore. My passions have been modified.

I think that's normal. As life goes on, our hearts and spirit are being molded, changed. The things we thought would be a "someday" have found the day. We are drawn to things that reflect where we've been and what we've learned.

It is time to take a good look at my surroundings and listen to the Holy Spirit's whisper.

I'm the girl who...

I'm the girl who...
trusts when she shouldn't.
could eat chocolate ice cream every single day.
is more comfortable hugging then shaking hands.
is horrible at keeping in touch with those who live far away.
loves being a mama.
loves being outdoors.
would choose a book over the tv anytime.
but can't pass up a good movie.
wears black every chance I get (daily).
would rather have my heart broken then never share it.
who lives life authentically and...
...who makes mistakes along the way.
who loves the experience.
is very patient for some... and very impatient for others.
is determined.
loves.

The adjustment period

I remember when I found myself alone in an apartment with two boys.
I had to get used to not having someone to share my day with.
I had to get used to making dinner on my own.
I had to get used to not feeling the weight of someone else next to me in bed.
I had to get used to being on my own.

But then... after a while it got easier and it was even nice to be able to run my own show. Sure those feelings of loneliness would creep up, but not for long. Never for long, because the boys kept me pretty busy.

I remember when I got engaged a few months back.
I knew I had to get used to sharing my day with someone.
I knew I had to get used to making dinner with someone else.
I knew I had to get used to feeling the weight of someone else next to me in bed.
I knew I had to get used to not doing it alone anymore.

I also knew... there would be an adjustment period.

Grumpy me

I've been grumpy this week. Very grumpy.

Sure I can blame it on PMS (and I have) but some of it, if I'm honest with myself has to do with control.
Oh, you thought I was all "healed" from that ugly little struggle?

Nope.
Not. At. All.

It rears it's ugly head whenever I feel like things are changing. Living with someone new (whom I love to pieces!), in the middle of a move, the apartment in shambles, trying to get original with meals (using what we have so we don't have to move more stuff), trying to get things cleaned so we can get the deposit back, trying to get marriage certificates and name changes... Oh... and you know. Life in general.

I laid in my bed last night praying. I prayed that God would help me choose better words, appease my anxiety and help me to enjoy the process of change. I asked. He will answer. I just had to ask!

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
Matt 7:7

So far so good!

I've been married for almost 3 weeks.

I love this way better than the dating. He doesn't have to go home. I get to snuggle up with him on the couch as much as I want. I get to see him in the morning... and every single night before I fall asleep, I feel his foot or his hand or his arm brushing up against me. Yum!

Life is good.