I really thought it would end differently, 2009, I mean. I just finished reading a book, the kids were asleep on time and exhausted... I've stuffed the stockings (family tradition -- stocking on New Year morning) and I'm ready for bed.
It's ending differently then I imagined, but it's ok. It's ending perfectly this way.
2009 has been quite the year, surrounded by people and situations and through it all was I pleaded for some time alone, to ponder and rest. I've got it. Space. Time. Peace.
Goodbye 2009, I thank you for the lessons you've taught me, the millions of laughs you've brought me and the tears you've caught for me. I appreciate it all but I'm ready for a fresh start - bring on 2010!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
June
I remember that night in June like it was yesterday.
I sat in the car in the Save-A-Lot parking lot looking towards the back of the flower shop wondering what in the world had just happened. For the past week we'd been fighting for and against our marriage. I didn't have the entire truth in front of me but I knew something terribly wrong was happening but for that week I couldn't get a hold of what piece of information I was missing. As I drove to the parking lot I felt my mind putting the pieces together. The behavior mimicked the same as the June 3 years before. The accusations the same towards me. Me. Not sure what in the world was happening. Crying over my short comings and blaming myself for not being enough for him, praying that God would show me how. How had I missed it all?
Sitting at the Save-A-Lot I knew I couldn't go through this again. I knew my heart, my body couldn't take this sort of trauma again... This wasn't who I was - who I was raised to be. Where was the strong woman who didn't tolerate disrespect? Where was the woman who knew she could conquer the world, just she and God? Where had I gone?
I called S, because she could get me to regain control of my senses, she always does. She listened, made me find some sort of strength, never pushing or suggesting, just listening. Because that's who she is...
Driving home I felt courageous and strong because that woman I had covered up for a long while was fighting to get out and I let her out for a short moment that night as I talked to him but once he reacted to my choice she was muffled down again... deeper. Scared.
She's coming out again, but she's still pretty frightened. Unpredictability is her worst fear.
I sat in the car in the Save-A-Lot parking lot looking towards the back of the flower shop wondering what in the world had just happened. For the past week we'd been fighting for and against our marriage. I didn't have the entire truth in front of me but I knew something terribly wrong was happening but for that week I couldn't get a hold of what piece of information I was missing. As I drove to the parking lot I felt my mind putting the pieces together. The behavior mimicked the same as the June 3 years before. The accusations the same towards me. Me. Not sure what in the world was happening. Crying over my short comings and blaming myself for not being enough for him, praying that God would show me how. How had I missed it all?
Sitting at the Save-A-Lot I knew I couldn't go through this again. I knew my heart, my body couldn't take this sort of trauma again... This wasn't who I was - who I was raised to be. Where was the strong woman who didn't tolerate disrespect? Where was the woman who knew she could conquer the world, just she and God? Where had I gone?
I called S, because she could get me to regain control of my senses, she always does. She listened, made me find some sort of strength, never pushing or suggesting, just listening. Because that's who she is...
Driving home I felt courageous and strong because that woman I had covered up for a long while was fighting to get out and I let her out for a short moment that night as I talked to him but once he reacted to my choice she was muffled down again... deeper. Scared.
She's coming out again, but she's still pretty frightened. Unpredictability is her worst fear.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Through the windshield
For the past six months (more or less) I've been sitting put. Not looking anywhere but where I am. I'm ready to take the next steps and start moving forward.
Honestly, I was fearing the holidays because in a way it was pushing me forward, making me create new memories with a somewhat "altered" family. I survived. I had moments that didn't feel right or look right but then, what is "right" these days? Two people, in two different circumstances both said to me "I thought things had to be such and such a way, and I realized I was just stuck in my ways. Change is ok." They weren't talking about my situation, but they were right. Change is ok.
The company I work for has gone through some changes recently because of the economic
challenges we are facing and in one of our meetings they said we were done looking at the rear view mirror, looking back on our mistakes, what we should have done, etc... Now we are focusing on the view from the windshield. I'm ready for that!
I'm looking forward to the new year. I always do. There's something about a new year - a new beginning. New resolutions, taking lessons we learned the year before and applying them to the new year. I have a lot planned for 2010 and I'm looking through the windshield this time and I'm excited!
Honestly, I was fearing the holidays because in a way it was pushing me forward, making me create new memories with a somewhat "altered" family. I survived. I had moments that didn't feel right or look right but then, what is "right" these days? Two people, in two different circumstances both said to me "I thought things had to be such and such a way, and I realized I was just stuck in my ways. Change is ok." They weren't talking about my situation, but they were right. Change is ok.
The company I work for has gone through some changes recently because of the economic
challenges we are facing and in one of our meetings they said we were done looking at the rear view mirror, looking back on our mistakes, what we should have done, etc... Now we are focusing on the view from the windshield. I'm ready for that!
I'm looking forward to the new year. I always do. There's something about a new year - a new beginning. New resolutions, taking lessons we learned the year before and applying them to the new year. I have a lot planned for 2010 and I'm looking through the windshield this time and I'm excited!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Expecting an Answer
I miss that feeling. That rush of superhero power I would get when one of my girlfriends or family members would tell me about their problems and I would go into "fix it" mode. That feeling of that I could help those I love with my actions. That I had this huge impact on their lives.
I miss that sometimes.
But in the recent weeks all that has left me. It's a new feeling, a whole new world. I care just the same about my friends and family and their lives. I pray with all my heart that they may be happy and full of life. I want all the same things I've always wanted for them. But I realized that the prayer I prayed for the entire month of November has just been answered.
I prayed everyday for 1 month for something I'd been missing for so long and I didn't take the time to listen to God's response at the end of the month, but I knew in my heart something was different. I realize now that I didn't pray with a response in mind. I just prayed because I knew I needed it, I just didn't believe, truly believe, He would answer. And He did. Thank you, God!
Today I don't feel the need to save my loved ones from the consequences of their choices. Today I want to assist God, I just don't want to try and take His job. Today I know I am filled with peace.
I miss that sometimes.
But in the recent weeks all that has left me. It's a new feeling, a whole new world. I care just the same about my friends and family and their lives. I pray with all my heart that they may be happy and full of life. I want all the same things I've always wanted for them. But I realized that the prayer I prayed for the entire month of November has just been answered.
I prayed everyday for 1 month for something I'd been missing for so long and I didn't take the time to listen to God's response at the end of the month, but I knew in my heart something was different. I realize now that I didn't pray with a response in mind. I just prayed because I knew I needed it, I just didn't believe, truly believe, He would answer. And He did. Thank you, God!
Today I don't feel the need to save my loved ones from the consequences of their choices. Today I want to assist God, I just don't want to try and take His job. Today I know I am filled with peace.
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