June

I remember that night in June like it was yesterday.

I sat in the car in the Save-A-Lot parking lot looking towards the back of the flower shop wondering what in the world had just happened. For the past week we'd been fighting for and against our marriage. I didn't have the entire truth in front of me but I knew something terribly wrong was happening but for that week I couldn't get a hold of what piece of information I was missing. As I drove to the parking lot I felt my mind putting the pieces together. The behavior mimicked the same as the June 3 years before. The accusations the same towards me. Me. Not sure what in the world was happening. Crying over my short comings and blaming myself for not being enough for him, praying that God would show me how. How had I missed it all?

Sitting at the Save-A-Lot I knew I couldn't go through this again. I knew my heart, my body couldn't take this sort of trauma again... This wasn't who I was - who I was raised to be. Where was the strong woman who didn't tolerate disrespect? Where was the woman who knew she could conquer the world, just she and God? Where had I gone?

I called S, because she could get me to regain control of my senses, she always does. She listened, made me find some sort of strength, never pushing or suggesting, just listening. Because that's who she is...

Driving home I felt courageous and strong because that woman I had covered up for a long while was fighting to get out and I let her out for a short moment that night as I talked to him but once he reacted to my choice she was muffled down again... deeper. Scared.

She's coming out again, but she's still pretty frightened. Unpredictability is her worst fear.