The middle

He's moving towards the middle.

That place where childhood is slowly fading and teenagehood is just on the horizon. A place where figuring out who means a lot of do-overs and mess-ups. A place where mom isn't as cool as she used to be... but he still needs her (and he'll admit it... for now) to share his day with, to validate feelings and to help him understand these new experiences.

The middle.

Wanting to look older, to be older... but not able to figure out what that means exactly.

Sometimes he looks at me in a certain way and I see the man he's slowly becoming and other times... I see that tiny baby I nursed to sleep night after night.

He's testing boundaries, talking through his feelings (yes, his future wife will thank me), and enjoying the little bit of extra freedom he's given. He's realizing his own weaknesses and I reinforce his strengths.

He is absolutely beautiful.

The middle.

The awkward years. The not so hormonal but enough to make a momma worry and pray. I've never been around boys growing up (not like this anyway), so this is new to me.

The middle.

The place where we'll be growing together!

Motives

I have a friend who's going through a really hard time right now. She's having to make some big decisions and she's struggling between her head and her heart. Girl... I've been there.

The only advice I have... motive. Always check your motive.

My therapist gave me some of the best advice when she said that whatever decision you make, you have to be ok with it when you're smoking mad or blissfully happy.  I gave that advice to someone who talked to me about divorcing her husband after a rough patch... and guess what? They are still married... happily.

Our motives are huge and what drives them shouldn't be feelings because feelings get us in trouble. Feelings are never solid. Feelings come and feelings go. Our motives should be based on Christ's Word, our values. It's not always easy, especially when hurt is involved... but seeing past it through to our foundation, the base of who we are... our decisions are more secure and whole.

Legacy

I met a girlfriend for lunch today to discuss some upcoming VBS plans. As I greeted her, her eyes filled with tears as she told me about the loss of her friend, a woman in her 70's with a young spirit and an intense love for Jesus. As we talked about this woman's life and the legacy she left with her kind and open heart. Her children, her grandchildren, her husband, her friends adored her. She loved people and they loved her.

What a beautiful way to leave this earth.

I've been thinking about it. What it will be like when I leave this earth. What my children will say about me, what my husband will say... what my friends will say... what my legacy will look like. There's a song I love to listen to and pretty much sums up my thoughts.

Nichole Nordeman; Legacy

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things? I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name apologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

reading, learning, parenting

I recently finished reading this bad boy:

I loved, it, loved it, loved it! It gave me some pretty fun ways to teach the kids how to be self sufficient without ending up being the super mean, drill sargent mom. Kay breaks down 12 skills she feels her kids need to know before they "fly the coop". She breaks that down into a 12 month plan:

1. how to make a bed and maintain an orderly room
2. how to cook and clean a kitchen
3. how to do yard work
4. how to clean a bathroom
5. how to get a job... outside our home
6. how to do laundry
7. how to do a handyman jobs
8. how to host a party
9. how to work together
10. how to run errands
11. how to put others first through service
12. how to act mannerly

Some of this stuff seems like it's a given - that they should know this but the more I read the more I realized I was doing my kids a huge disservice with some of my enabling behavior.

I want to do it all for them for many reasons but mainly because I love them to crazy and my love langugage is service and my second reason is... I can just do it better! :) But those reasons stink and I need to get more serious about teaching them some real life skills.

My all time favorite tip was for Month 1. To get the kids motivated (incentives) she gave the kiddos each a jar with money in it - $1 for each day of the month. The kids were expected to make their beds and maintain an orderly room (and bathroom). Simply put - clean up after themselves. She didn't remind them and when she headed into their room in the morning, after they'd left for school if things weren't picked up and the beds weren't made, she'd take $1 out of the jar. There was no way to get the $1 back (no make-up work - cause real life doesn't work that way) and the kids were not allowed to borrow or have any of the money until the end of the month (whatever was left).

Clever! There are lots of other really great tips and tricks that I'll be applying to my work as a momma.

Growing kids is hard and I often question whether I'm doing any of it right. I want to raise good solid, hard working members of society (whether they want the same thing or not!), this was a great resource to have.

teaming up to raise 'em up

I recently took a class through work on how to build effective teams. I really enjoyed the class and learned a lot from it from a professional stand point… but I also learned a lot from it personally. As I sat in the class I realized that this really applies to all kinds of life situations and I related it to co-parenting specifically.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (and again and again and again), divorce solves absolutely nothing, especially when children are involved. Sure the marriage struggles are over but they have then morphed into a different kind of struggle. There is no time to let the dust settle because there are children that have been placed in a situation they never asked to be and it’s our responsibility to lessen the impact, to make life for them as “normal” as possible and it’s tough when your lives are headed in two different directions.

It’s hard enough to parent these little guys when you are married, but when you are divorced and the love you feel for one another is very different, it’s hard to team up and do it right. Interestingly enough, I just had a lunch meeting with the boys’ dad to go over summer plans, any communication issues we may have been struggling with and just an overall “team building”. In the corporate world, like the “real world”, we have a lot of different means of communication; IM, email, conference call, but the most effective is definitely face to face interaction and I felt that bi-annually (at a minimum), it’s important for him and I to touch base. It’s important for the boys to know that we are a team regardless of our marital status. And with all that, I learned some important tools that not only apply to co-parenting but relationships in general.

To have an effective co-parenting relationship you really need to have:

·         Trust

·         Shared Vision

·         Effective Communication

Trust

1.       Listen, cooperate, support and respect

2.       Decisions are based on facts, not personalities

3.       Conflict is managed effectively

Trust occurs when people’s behaviors match their intent.- that’s a pretty impacting statement, isn’t it?!

Shared Vision

Develop a vision for the team based on the goal; in this case that would be the kiddos and developing that can be heard if your values don’t match. Like anything else, compromise is a must!

Effective Communication

1.       Candor is the norm

2.       Members are kept informed

3.       Roles and responsibilities are well defined (we’re a team; let’s figure out what everyone’s doing!)

4.       Have a code of team conduct (y’all know what that means!)

5.       Effective meetings (with a purpose and stay focused)

Isn’t this all crazy, true, and applicable?! I did learn lots and lots of things professionally and I’ll apply it in my manager position but I’m super excited to be able to apply it personally too. I'll continue to meet with the boys dad, to over communicate, to do more listening than talking and to continually think of our team's goal rather than my own.

Flirting, stalking, and dreaming

I have been flirting for some time. Looking, stalking almost. Checking statuses and browsing through pictures. I get excited about the possibilities. And... my patience is wearing thin.

It's almost time.

Maybe.

These next few months will tell.

A home of our own. A yard for the kids. Rooms to paint. Pictures to hang. New memories to create. In our forever home.