Forest fires

I find myself redefining relationships. Relationships that I love and don't want to lose.

People. I love the people from these relationships. People who have seen parts of me that are silly, sad, genuine, ridiculous, honest and crazy.

I feel that at this moment. This time in my life, these relationships need my attention.

I have spent the better part of 2 years defining my relationship with my ex-husband and since that seems to be settling (fingers crossed, lots of prayers) into a nice groove, it's time to define the relationships, the loves associated to him.

In short, I need to figure out how involved I will be with his family. I love them. I love them to pieces. They are beautiful. We have been through more together in 10 years, than most go through in a lifetime.

I was very clear right after I separated that I wanted to have a good relationship with my ex-husband. I did not want bitterness, resentment or just plain crazy behavior. I knew what I didn't want. It didn't always work out the way I wanted it too, but I prayed a lot for patience, for a deeper understanding, and for the right words to say. We both failed but  after a couple of years, I think what we have now works well for the both of us. We're learning to respect our differences and to move forward as two individuals who parent some pretty amazing boys. Does he agree with me on everything? Nope. Do I agree with him on everything? Nope. Will we ever? Most likely not. But I'm ok with that. I'm ok with not agreeing on the little stuff as long as we have the same end goal. Two safe, solid, happy kids.

That relationship is moving forward. We're good. We've re-defined what we look like as parents vs. a couple. Now I stand at a place where I never thought I'd be. These people. These people I love mightily, where do they fit? What does that relationship look now that my relationship with the one person we all had in common is no longer the link?

It's sort of like a huge forest fire. The entire thing is crazy, chaotic and disastrous. What's left are ashes, dirt, death. As the dust settles, when the forest is left alone to heal it's wounds, the ground becomes fertile, healthy. It may take years, but eventually, through the ashes, a new forest grows. It will never again look the way it did, but it comes back non the less. Careful, beautiful, strong.