Consequences

After I divorced, it seemed many thought I had become an expert in the subject matter. Married women who struggled in their marriages asked me what divorce was like, mulling over the possibility in their minds. A possibility of an "out", a way to make life easier.

There is nothing about divorce that is "easy". In fact divorce complicates everything. I'm not an expert and I never want to be an expert in this subject matter. I don't know everything about divorce but there are some things I do know for sure:

I know that:

• I hate "sharing" kids.
• I will never get used to dropping off and picking up the boys so that they can see their father. It feels weird and wrong.
• I don't like that my kids have two homes.
• Having a different last name than my kids is confusing for them, their schools, their friends and makes the kids and I feel a little more disconnected.
• Holidays are not traditional, they are a series of scheduled days to share holiday experiences with each parent.
• Having to live life and then recount basic information to the other parent about their own children feels wrong, because it is wrong.
• The feeling I am left with when the boys are with their dad and I am living my life without them for the weekend is empty and gross.
• Trying to find an even footing with the other parent isn't easy. You aren't a true team anymore and so it can feel like it's every man/woman for himself/herself.
• I hate that regardless of how much time has past, the scars of divorce on the boys, myself and my new family are visible and prominent.

I'm remarried, to a wonderful man whom I love dearly. We are creating, what I believe to be, a beautiful blended family. I made the best choice for me and I believe, for the boys, when I chose divorce. I did not make the choice lightly, but in all honesty, I made the choice not understanding the full consequences of my actions, just as I didn't fully understand the consequences of marriage or having children or whatever other decision I have made in the past and will continue to make.

There's a reason why God hates divorce. God says "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. ~ Matthew 19:6". God does nothing for nothing. There's always a reason for what He asks of us, always. We don't know the consequences, but God does.

I did the very best that I knew when I filed for divorce nearly 2 years ago. I knew then and I know now, God's views on divorce. Still, in my brokenness He continues to bless me. He takes my brokenness, He takes all the difficult, ugly consequences of divorce and He allows those things to help me grow not only as a mom and a woman but as His child.

I pray daily that the boys and A know that we love them. We ALL love them - bios and bonus parents, we love them with everything in us. I pray that through our pain, our mistakes they'll see our reliance on Christ and His promises... because in the end, that's all we have to save us from our consequences.