Limbs

They left on Christmas morning after opening their gifts and I won't see them for another "2 more sleeps", a total of "5 sleeps".

I miss them. I miss them like crazy.

I'm struggling this week because I'm realizing that they aren't just my blessing but a blessing I share with their dad. I've always known that but this week has helped me to better understand it. Their dad is now in a better place, a more stable place, to be able to take them for longer periods of time. I'm excited about this. I want the kids to experience time with him. I want them to form a special bond and life with him. They need that. He needs that. Having extended time with him helps provide that.

For 9 years I've taken care of dropping them off, picking them up, putting them to bed, feeding, making appointments and play dates for them. I haven't had to share that a whole lot. Sure when I was married there was some input, some help but essentially it fell on my shoulders and how I loved it. I was born to be a mother. To be surrounded by chaos and booger filled noses and slobber kisses.

Letting someone else (even their dad!) do it, even for just a week, is tough. Waking up in the morning and only having to worry about myself is odd. I feel like a limb is missing. Two actually. But I rest in knowing that those limbs are growing because they are given the essential vitamins they need to be healthy and strong: two parents who love them very much and meaningful time spent with the both of them.

'Tis the season

It's that time of year again when I start thinking of the things I want to work on in the upcoming year.

2011. Wow.

Here's what I have:
- Create exciting (alright, edible) weekly meal plans.
- Send birthday cards to my friends and family on time.
- Build an Emergency Savings account (per Dave Ramsey).
- Find moments for more one-on-one time with the kiddos.
- Make one new meal/dessert from scratch, at a minimum, every month.
- Start running again.
- (Continue to) Be me.

Not a bad list. They aren't exactly resolutions since I'm not resolving anything.

And honestly, I just typed it all up quickly and didn't put much thought into it but these are the things that swim around in my head - a lot.

Do you have anything you'll be "working on" this upcoming year?

Thankfully living

As I wrap up my month of daily grateful thinking, I took a moment to seriously reflect on my daily thinking - Am I living a thankful life? 

There are so many obstacles in life, big ones and small ones. Obstacles are different for all of us and they can be life threatening or life changing. During the day we run into a million little obstacles that can make us stumble and create a real pain in our day. I often think it's human nature to focus on the rain during the day versus trying to find the rainbow.

One night as I prayed over dinner, I asked God to bless our food and thanked Him for giving me some pretty amazing kids. My monkey stopped me and said "Thank you, Mommy!" The biggest smile was spread across his face and he seemed totally excited that I thank God for him and his brother. Now, let me be clear - I do this often but at that moment he seemed to have heard me more clearly than before.  I couldn't get that sweet thanks and smile out of my head for days. 

Am I doing the same with my Heavenly Father? Am I thanking Him clearly and enthusiastically for the wonderful gifts He gives me? Am I communicating with Him how thankful I am for my life, all of it? Does He truly understand my appreciation of his grace and blessings? 

Do my family and friends know how completely in love I am with them? I sometimes feel like days, weeks, months and even years go by and I haven't communicated the things I want with them because of schedules or distance. I want them to never doubt that their simple presence blesses me.

Today, on the last day of November, I want to commit to living a more thankful life. I want to be more purposeful in loving, appreciating and recognizing the people who surround me.

Psalm 100
Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his[a];
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Day 30

I'm grateful for the God's grace.

Day 29

Today, I'm grateful for God's Word.

Day 28

I'm grateful for reliable transportation.

Day 27

I'm grateful for inner peace.

Day 26

I'm so grateful for quiet, peaceful moments with my kids. They are God's ultimate gift.

Day 25

Today, I'm grateful for (as corny or overused as this may sound) my amazing family and friends.

Day 24

Today I'm grateful for quiet evenings (ok couple of hours) with B. That was nice.

Distance

I've never felt the distance as much as I feel it now.

He's there, healing from a traumatic surgery and I'm here, healing from the pain of being far away. I've been praying for his comfort and peace after the surgery... when the fight to heal begins. It's strange to hear him fearful when all I've seen is strength. He's human. He's loved.

Je t'aime fort, fort, plus que tout les nuages.

Day 23

Today I'm grateful for technology (some!). I am so blessed to instantly be able to talk to those I love despite the distance between us.

Day 22

I'm grateful that my dad is surrounded by amazingly skilled doctors.

Day 21

Today I'm grateful to have a washing machine in my apartment. Soothing achy tummies and being able to keep sheets/blankets clean at the same time is such a blessing!

Day 20

Today I feel grateful for the abundance of food in my fridge.

Day 19

I'm grateful to be able to live in a warm home.

Just say it like it is

As I dropped my little monkey off at preschool this morning, a few of his friends approached me and wanted to chat. M wanted to talk first and told me his name, his full name. I shook his hand and told him I was "R's" mom and that it was nice to meet him. Next came B who wanted in on this conversation. I shook his hand as well and told him that we were just talking about him in the car - that his name starts with a "B!". He smiled and told me his daddy was picking him up today. M piped in and told me his mom was because his daddy didn't live with him. He went on to tell me his daddy hurt him so he's far far away and he doesn't know where B and his mom live. I told him it was very awesome that his mom loved him so much that she wanted to keep him safe and that I was sorry his daddy did those mean things to him. He would have gone on and on and I could have listened longer but it wasn't the most appropriate place to have such conversations, with other children surrounding us and his teachers seemed pretty uncomfortable.

My heart breaks for B. I'm thankful that his mom was able to leave a very bad situation and find a safe place for them to live.

The thing that struck me as B chatted with was his openness and the way he shared so freely his life's struggles.

That is my absolute favorite thing about children. They just say it like it is. There's no mask to hide behind, there's no pretending to be a certain way or that their lives are perfect and amazing.  They just talk to you and tell you their lives trusting you, believing that what's happening in their lives is just as normal as what is happening in yours.

The truth is, it is.

My life is just like B's life. It's imperfect and crazy. It's scary and fun. It's lovely and wicked. It's life.

When did we start pretending ourselves and our lives to be better than others? When did we learn to judge and ridicule that which we don't understand? When is it that hiding our hearts, our struggles was better than being real and authentic? Why does being real and authentic make others uncomfortable?

I might not say what I'm supposed to say. I might not tell  you what you want to hear. I might offend and hurt you. I might make you extremely happy. I might break your heart. I might do all kinds of crazy, unexplainable things but one thing I promise to always strive to do - be real.

Day 18

I'm grateful for the silly times I get to spend with my boys. The laughing, tickling, joking... they are pretty awesome... moments and kids!

Day 17

Today I'm so very grateful for my Bible. For being able to find exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.

Discipline

There's something you should know about me. I hate to discipline. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

It probably has something to do with my pink colored glasses and my "can't we all just get along?" attitude.

I understand that children will live most of their childhood fighting to get more independence. I totally get it. I was a kid too before I turned into this big grown up who'd like to give some, if not all, of my independence back. 

I understand why I get attitude, I understand why I get whining, I even understand the throwing of objects (not that it's acceptable, but I get it). I understand all that stuff because I do it too. God has heard it all. I whine, I give Him attitude and I have... as embarrassing as it is, thrown objects.  So I get it. Sometimes that's the only way to communicate when you are feeling flooded with emotions and words don't come easily.

What I don't get is that when I ask simple, very non-crazy requests that I get a huge meltdown and 20 minutes of screaming. Dude. Really. Your shoes need to go on your feet for us to be able to leave the house. Just your shoes. I'm not forcing you to wear a tutu or tiara. Just the Iron Man shoes. That's it.

So I do what I hate doing. I discipline. I yell (which I hate), I threaten and I follow through. If you can't quit screaming, you don't get a book at the book fair. We went, we got books for the child who made good choices and the one who chose to make bad choices left... without a book... crying.

Ugh. That's why I hate discipline. It not only hurts him but it hurts me too. I want happy, I want peace, I want lollipops and skipping. I want to see my kids smiling, not crying and I'm learning that God does too but that the only way for us to learn (and grow), we must cry and scream and... be disciplined.

Deuteronomy 8:5
Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.

Day 16

I am so grateful for the women that surround me at work. They not only keep the workplace interesting but they challenge my ideas and thoughts and I appreciate it!

Day 15

I'm grateful to be living in an area where I can be exposed to so many different cultures. Learning from others, being able to share thoughts and ideas freely, for me, is one of the greatest things.

Learning

Being without my kids two weekends a month has been quite a learning experience for me. It's been positive in the sense that when I was/am alone, without them, I've had to really learn who I am as a woman, not just a mom. A lot of women have to learn this very quickly after their kids leave for college and sometimes that can be very difficult... I've been able to wade into this slowly.  This was something that really weighed heavily on me the first few months and, honestly, I still struggle with it at times. Who am I when there aren't little ones needing me?

But I wasn't prepared for this new little experience.

I'm beginning to realize that there are plenty of things I did as a wife that I can not do as a girlfriend. I haven't dated in a very long time... actually I was married longer than I dated, so the wife thing, it's pretty natural to me.  The girlfriend thing, not so much.

These things I think about doing aren't things I would think twice about doing if I was married but as a girlfriend I tend to see this invisible line... in therapy term "boundary" that I don't think I want to cross. I don't think it would be horrible to cross it but I want to be respectful towards B and others involved (including kids, ex's, friends, family).

So I'm learning. I'm learning to be patient and to let things roll out the way they will. I'm learning that as much as we are a part of each others' lives, we aren't in each other's lives. I'm learning the difference.

My year of therapy has helped me to look at all the situations that come into my life as a new learning opportunity. A time of growth. Taking time to look deep inside my soul and understanding who I really am. So after 7 1/2 months of dating... I think I'm figuring out this girlfriend thing.

Maybe.

Day 14

I'm grateful for lazy Sunday afternoons.

Day 13

Forgiveness and love. Two of the most important and amazing gifts from God. I'm grateful for them today.

Day 12

A full belly, a comfy couch, surrounded by 3 pretty awesome guys. That's what I'm grateful for today.

Day 11

Today I'm very grateful for all the men and women who sacrifice and serve their country as well as the families who support them. 

Day 10

I'm grateful for a career that keeps me challenged and motivated.

9 years ago

9 years ago, you were born.

9 years ago, they placed your tiny wrinkled up body on my chest and at that moment I knew I would never be the same again. I kissed your little cheeks and rubbed your back and wished you a happy birthday. You cried and cried while the nurses poked and prodded but stopped quickly when they put you back into my arms. Both of us knowing you were where you belonged.

You are growing up so fast. I can see the pieces coming together and your opinions being formed about this world. You are fighting hard to make a place in it while trying to figure out what that place looks like.

I pray you will:
- turn to God before turning to anyone else.
- find the good in all situations.
- be true to who you are in Christ.
- not settle for less than the best.
- be protected spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
- have a constant love of learning.
- fully understand my love for you.
- take risks and open yourself up to get hurt... it's the only way to grow.

When you hurt, I hurt. When you have joy, I have joy. You hold a part of my heart, I never want back.

Happy Birthday, Peanut.
I love you,
Mom

Day 9

I'm grateful for peaceful mornings.

Day 8

I'm grateful for Mondays.  Really. It's a new start. A new week with new possibilities.

Day 7

I'm grateful for S. She's been there with me through quite a bit and she still loves me! :o) She's helped me face some serious fears and for that... I'll always be grateful!

Day 6

Today I'm feeling especially grateful for beautiful fall days.

Day 5

I am grateful for changes in seasons. Weather, life, moods... seasonal changes are good.

Day 4

Today I am grateful for B. The way he loves me and accepts me, just the way I am.

Day 3

I am grateful for my parents. Even when we don't see eye to eye, we always see heart to heart.

Day 2

I'm grateful for my children. They teach me more than I could ever teach them. I would never truly understand the meaning of love without them.

Day 1

In the spirit of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday I'm going to post for 30 days about what I'm grateful for...

I'm thankful for God's love, guidance, forgiveness, control and presence in my life.

Hangover

It's like waking up and having a really bad hangover and asking yourself "What was I thinking?"

Yep. That's what I felt this morning. I'm sure if I would have seen D this morning she would have smiled and looked over her little board and asked me what I thought about my recent behavior.  Because I've let things slip, I've gotten comfortable, lax even and my actions haven't been as concrete as they should have been.

So I did what I was taught to do. Look inside myself, figure out what I'm comfortable with, what my boundaries are and set them. Again. It's so easy for me to let myself get really comfortable and let things go because I trust everyone. Sometimes it works for me... sometimes it works against me.  Interestingly enough, I tend to attract people who do not trust easily.  I suppose that can create a learning opportunity for all if we are all on the same page but sometimes it just means I get burned.

A call was made, boundaries were reset and I'm looking forward.

Scars

I've purposefully not blogged (a lot) about B. He's a bit more private than I am and I want to respect that.

It's been hard cause life is good. So good and I feel amazingly blessed to have him be a part of that. It's been over 6 months and we have grown quite a bit as a couple and individuals. I can only speak for myself, but I feel like I've done a lot of growing and it's been painful - in a good way. I'm growing up to be a healed up woman with lots of scars. That's ok, because we all have of scars. We might try and hide them, we might put lots of bandages on them to hide them from the world, but those scars, they are still very much there. They are never going to go away. Mine won't go away, B's won't go away and neither will yours. But in the right environment they will heal. In time, they will. So that's what mine are doing. Healing. Some of them I didn't even know existed until I let someone in again. 

There are times when I wish my scars would completely go away. That they would disappear and the fears associated with them would leave too. But then... I wouldn't be me without them. I feel whole because of them. And B loves me with my scars and I love him with his.

She's the woman

She's the woman I will never know but will always love.  She's the woman who changed my life forever.  She's the woman who chose life. She's the woman who made the most unselfish choice a person can make.

At 18 she found herself pregnant and alone. Knowing full well that she would struggle... possibly follow in her family's legacy, she was faced with some serious choices. Choices children shouldn't have to face. Choices created by lack of education or simply irresponsibility. Choices that have some serious consequences.  Regardless of the choice, the consequences forever engraved in her heart and soul.

She's the woman who loved her daughter more than she loved herself. She's the woman who gave a couple struggling with fertility a family. She's the woman who gave me a big sister.

Normal

We are going to be the ones who make it work or not. We are the ones who determine what our children view as a normal and abnormal relationship between divorced parents. We are their view of normal.

I didn't get divorced because I couldn't stand him. I got divorced because I had nothing left to give him as a wife. Being a wife and being a mother are two very different roles and one of my roles ended. I want to be the best parent I can be and a large part of that is to do everything I can possibly do to keep my kids grounded in the Lord and giving them a sense of security. They feel secure when they know both parents are on the same page. They feel that way when they see that Mom and Dad are in a room together and they can still talk to each other and get along.

And that's what we did on Saturday. We put on our big boy/girl underpants and we celebrated the birth of our 4 year old baby. Our friends and family were there to celebrate with us and it was... normal.

You

Your giggle, your demands, your coy expressions.
Your ever growing vocabulary.
Your blond curls, long eyelashes, chubby little hands and perfect squishy cheeks.
Your round "Buddha belly".
Your independence.
Your love of structure.

You sing, tell stories, have an imaginary friend.
You can't jump on one foot just yet but you compensate by jumping on everything else.
You love rubbing tags, especially when you are nervous or tired.
You challenge me, make me laugh, keep me on my toes.
You know what you want and you aren't afraid to tell me... or anyone else.
You love "sprinkle cookies" and anything salty.
You're growing quickly and you are so excited to be getting "big".

4 years ago you were born. 4 years ago God blessed me by allowing me to be your mother. To learn from you, to challenge you, to love you with everything I have in me.

I love you my little monkey.
Happy birthday,
Mommy
xo

Fall

I love fall. It's my most favorite season.

Frost
Candy apple
Hot cocoa
Apple cider
Pie
Pumpkins
Multi colored leaves
Pine cones
Acorns
Roasting marshmallows
Sweaters
Candy corn
Orange, green, yellow, brown
Squash
Football
Leaf piles

Daniel 2:21
21 He changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning.

Me lately

Happy
Peaceful
Content
Loved
Warm
Comforted
Sleepy
In love
Creative
Balanced
Blessed

United We Stand?

So I've been going back and forth for about 2 months now. I haven't wanted others' opinions so I didn't ask... for a while. I did last week and I heard the same thing from all "Heck no!". My question?

To celebrate the kids' birthday with or without their dad. In other words, one birthday party or two separate ones.

I struggle with this because I hear so many say "But you are divorced. That's not how it works when you are divorced." I get that. I don't see a whole lot of those happening with my fellow divorce friends, however... I hate the "shoulds".

Yes, he and I have struggled and still at times struggle to see eye to eye on things. But if my only reason not to have a united birthday party is because "Every one else does it this way or that way." -- that's pretty lame. And in my heart it doesn't make sense. So we are divorced. Our marriage is over. Kaput. I get that. The kids get that. But we're still their parents and if we can show a physical united front on their birthday, that's pretty special for them, isn't it? 

We discussed it today and I wanted to hear his argument on the issue.  The thing is, I couldn't come up with anything other then "But we're divorced." 

Am I wrong to think this could work?

Warning - TMI

So you've been warned.

I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine where I shared that I've had a really crappy week and that the best thing about it was my new Diva Cup.

My friend M gave it to me for my birthday and honestly I was a little leery. But once I gave it a try... I'm never going back to the alternative! It's FABULOUS. So fabulous that I had to blog about.

Good bye Always and Tampax! I will be having a happy period... without you!

Suffering

Why does God allow us to suffer?

I refuse to believe that all suffering is due to disobedient acts. There are too many who have suffered great losses, such as the loss of babies, children, have been victims of rape, molestation, beatings, etc... I know God would never create that sort of suffering. That kind of pain comes from evil, not good. One who wants to see us fail. Break us from God rather than turn to Him during such suffering.

I do believe that God allows pain and suffering in our lives. He doesn't shield us from everything. Just like, as parents, we sometimes choose to let our kids suffer through some life issues because it helps build them, shape them into better people. Here are three reasons I believe God allows suffering in our lives.

Humility
It seems that whenever I stop pointing up and start pointing towards myself I tend to fall FLAT on my face. Out of all the seven deadly sins (wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony) mine is pride. I work hard and I struggle with giving God the entire glory. In my heart I feel God's hand upon my life, I know it's all Him and none of it me, but there are still times (often) where I've either physically or mentally worked hard and I want some kind of recognition. It's not something I'm very excited to share with you, but there you have it. It's me.

In a world where humility is a lost art, where accomplishments are more important than character, humility is a pretty good way for God to show us what it really is all about. Him.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10
7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Build Strength
I used to dream about being 30. It seemed like such a great age. People in their 30's seemed to have it "together". Life seemed to be easier for them. And now that I'm 30 I dream about being 10 again. The truth is, life isn't easier at 10 or 30 or even 50. Life at 10 gives you struggles that only a 10 year old brain, heart, faith can handle and as we grow and our struggles grow so does our brain, heart and faith. It's the little trials that help us handle the bigger trials. As we grow in life, so does our suffering.

If I never suffered I would be a weak person. I would never know true joy if I didn't face true sorrow. I'd never be able to really strengthen myself as a Christian if I never suffered or felt pain in my life. You can't build muscle if you don't work them... you can't build strength if you don't work on your weaknesses.

Romans 5:3
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance.

To Help Others
Funny enough, this is probably my most favorite reason to suffer (sick, I know). To go through a terrible time in my life and to know that someday I will be able to help others makes the pain subside that much faster. It's a almost freeing to be able to talk to someone and know that they have experienced the same thing. That when you ramble about things that might not make sense to most of the world, to that one person your words are understood.

I don't seek out people who have had similar sufferings as I have, but I'm also not hiding my weaknesses, my sufferings or my joys. If God leads me to someone or someone to me because we struggle with the same thing, then I'm that much more blessed to have suffered.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

God has a purpose for our suffering. We may not know why He allows those pains in our lives but there is always a greater purpose - something more grand than any one us can ever understand. These sufferings leave with us tools, words, and strength that you can't get from living in constant joy. When suffering strikes, faith will strike back.

Psalm 119:71
71 It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.

Kids

I'm a good mom.
I'm a good mom.
I'm a good mom.
I'm a good mom.
I'm a good mom.

Sometimes it takes that internal dialogue to be able to keep going.

I love being a mom. I love being a part of God's plan and I absolutely love to see the world through my kids' eyes. Being a parent, a mom specifically, is better than anything else in this world (even chocolate!).

I've learned these past (almost) 9 years that balance is the key to anything and everything, including parenting. It's hard for me to fully accept and digest that because, I'm wired to try and be "super" everything, but I'm learning through some great and not so great advice on where my perfect balance resides.

I have more questions than answers.
I fail, a lot.
I constantly second guess my choices, forms of discipline and words.
I lose patience more than I find it.
I don't have it all together and I don't try to pretend I do.

That's really hard for me. I like to do things well. I am up for any challenge as long as I'm 90% sure I'm going to succeed. With parenting, succeeding is subjective. My idea of parenting, discipline, kids, is going to be different than others'. Different. Not wrong. Not right. Just different. And that's ok. In my book, I'm still succeeding because they are amazingly bright, beautiful, polite, active, loving, funny, and (for the most part) respectful.

With all my faults and weaknesses, there's one thing I know to be complete, perfect and strong - my ever growing love for them.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

Church

I had been flirting with the idea of finding a different church. I love the church I attend; the theology blows my mind, the people are amazing, the worship music rocks (literally) but for me, I feel like it lacks grace.

I've been going back and forth and I've looked online at what other churches had to offer but I found that if the church was more grace filled, the theology was pretty shaky and if the theology was rock solid then grace was lacking.

I thought and prayed about this for a few months. What's more important to me? What do I need more in my life right now? A solid theology or plenty of grace.

While in Canada I came to the conclusion that right now, in my life, I need theology. I need for someone to teach me what the Bible actually says about God and His will for my life, not what man would like it to say.

I sat in church yesterday as we studied the book of Philippians -- our second week on this study. Our pastor talked a lot about church and it's people; that's what the church is - people. Church is a lot of very sinful people sitting together, talking, sharing, and loving on each other.

That's why I am now 110% certain that Legacy is where I belong. I know those people - they struggle, fail and sin over and over again... just like me! The teaching is amazing, the people I've met there have become my family and my kids are loved. Yes, there are times when I feel there is a lack of grace... but I'm sure sometimes I'm less than grace giving to others.

We have a history, Legacy and I. They've been there through the good and the bad. I've gotten cards, gifts, helping hands, meals brought to me, hugs and more. Some from people I knew and some from total strangers. My kids don't know anything but Legacy. They grew up in the church, surrounded by this family.

As our pastor said "There is no perfect church out there. Because if there was, you wouldn't be allowed to go."

This is my family. I found it, all on my own. Is little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good. ~Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)

Words

Communication can be challenging in general. Communication with an ex-spouse seems impossible at times.

Divorce doesn't solve anything. Divorce merely ends marriage. The problems that existed during the marriage are still there, only magnified because now there's no love to coat the grossness of the disagreements.

Communication isn't simple anymore, it's not an exchange of information... it's more like a complicated secret mission where the goal is not only to figure out what the other person is thinking but also having to simultaneously protect your vulnerability. In short: it's tiring.

I'm not mad about the divorce. I don't want to cause him harm, in fact I want to see him thrive. I want good things for his life.

I've fallen off my grounded identity a few times these last 2 weeks because I've been accused of having some hidden agenda. I struggle with being accused of things that are so far from the truth. My past and present actions have never presented such a trend.

The reason I fall off my grounded identity? Because of fear. I fear that what someone says about me is true regardless of what I know to be true. I hate that.

Words are powerful. They break or build. Strengthen or weaken.

Words can scar the soul. God can heal it.

Roots

30 years ago I was born in Canada.

It was fun to celebrate my 30 years surrounded by the same friends who I met in pre-kindergarten and graduated with in high school. Crazy, really. We were all together celebrating C's wedding and we recounted a few stories that made me blush and giggle. Some things I had forgotten and instantly remembered why I had forgotten them. We didn't miss a beat when we started chatting and dancing together again - the only difference was that this time, we were legally allowed to drink. :o)

Being back home made me realize how much growing I've done, we've all done. How much I've missed and gained from being away.

Those ladies, my family, my country -- those are my roots. As I drove back to the US, it was bittersweet.

I know I'll never live in Canada again, there are many reasons why, but Canada will always be a part of who I am; it will always live in me.

The head

It's cancer.

When my mom told me I was shocked and I was sad... I cried a little but then I wanted the information. The next steps. Ok, so he has cancer. Ok, then what? What are we going to do? I am surprisingly calm (surprising to me).

We're going to talk to the doctor tomorrow. They're going to operate and take that tumor out. He's going to go through radiation. Tomorrow we'll find out what we're going to find out what the next steps are.

When I talked to him tonight he and I both needed for the tension to be broken... we both enjoy to laugh way more than we enjoy crying. The tumor is the size of a new born baby's head. I asked him if he was practicing his breathing for when they'd pull that baby's head out. I told him I was glad he got to keep his prostate... then maybe he and my mom could make me a little brother or sister's body to attach to the head they were going to pull out. We laughed. He's going to name the head.

I miss him. I look forward to seeing him soon.

Home

I leave to go home in two more "sleeps".

I'm looking forward to hugging my family. To be able to look at them in the eyes when we talk. To walk in to the house and breath in the smell of my childhood - my home.

Dad's still in the hospital with a prostate 2.5 times bigger than normal. He's bored out of his mind and just wants answers. We all do. I am praying hard that he's home when I get there... It just wouldn't be right to be home without him.

I can't wait to see them all. It's been too long... way too long.

"Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family." ~Anthony Brandt

Lately

I've been emotional. For a few weeks I blamed it on my period... but there's only so much of that I can get away with. I went back to my "therapy mode" and thought things through. Then I remembered something S repeated to me over and over this past year. Something she said I'd been stuck in for several years. Something she said, that took "me" away.

Survival mode.

I was in survival mode for about 4 years and my survival mode does not take emotion well. My survival mode only shows emotion in order to get a result. My survival mode kicks some serious butt and takes names later, way later... if ever. And for about 6 months my survival mode has been melting away and that stupid crap emotional stuff has been coming back.

I'm kinda liking it.

I'm emotional and illogical and I change my mind about where and how things should go from minute to minute. I cry more often, my passions are stronger, I love harder, I laugh more often and I find wonder in everything. It's just me.

Photo

I'm really looking forward to my upcoming trip to Canada. I can't wait to start taking pictures. Of course I'm really looking forward to seeing my family - that's a given, but taking pictures is like a form of therapy for me.

I'm not a fabulous photographer... I have a point and shoot and it's not fancy. But when I broke my camera at Rockfest (mud and cameras don't mix) and I was without for a few weeks, I really missed it. I love taking pics of the kids doing their random kid stuff and friends and family during special times, but what I learned while living without my camera was that it isn't those times that I enjoy capturing the most, it's the times when I look up and the sight in front of me makes me have to catch my breath because I feel as if God's letting me in on His view of us.

-- The vibrant colors of a lake.
-- The way the waves push the driftwood onto the shores.
-- Genuine smiles I get from the boys, the kind that are pure and innocent.
-- The way the sun shines through the leaves by my apartment.
-- The way the kids run through the sprinkler and the water falls onto the grass.
-- Rain in the middle of a sunny day.
-- The way animals look when you pet them.
-- Loons on the lake as the sun rises.
-- Rocks piled up naturally, just as it would look if God had just finished creating the earth.
-- The way the ice melts on a lake.
-- Pumpkin patches.
-- The amazing colors of fall...
-- ... and spring...
-- ... and summer...
-- ... and the pureness of winter.
-- People dancing.
-- Laughter
-- Heartache
-- Prayer and meditation
-- Weddings and funerals

I could go on and on, but you get where my mind is going. And when I see these things I immediately think about God. We're living His plan. We're seeing His creation. Why wouldn't I want to capture all of it?

Just as each day brims with your beauty, my mouth brims with praise. Psalm 71:8

Age

In a few weeks I'll officially be 30. I look a the number in print in front of me. Me. 30 years old.

Age isn't a huge deal for me, I'm not one to be concerned about numbers. The girls from work and I were discussing age one day during lunch and we all agreed we felt stuck in our late teens. Not stuck in a bad way, just stuck in a way that made us feel a little weird to have people think we're mature and stable enough to be raising kids. I feel 18 and I have an 8 year old and a 3 year old. I'm a mom. An adult woman. With a job, and bills, and schedules, and responsibilities. That is just plain crazy. Who in the world thought I was ready for all that?

I think one of the things I have a hard time wrapping my mind around is that if I'm 30... that means my parents are older too. To me, they should be in their 40's. That's where they got stuck. And my sister, she never hit her 30's (she has in reality), she's still in her early 20's.

Age. A number that represents the years you've physically lived. A number that represents the years you've laughed, loved and loathed. A number that never truly represents anything of significance... that, the significance of age, wisdom, hope, failure, victories, faith, that can only be found in a place where numbers are insignificant. My soul.

Ohana

I think it's a combination of my dad being sick, my trip back home and C's upcoming wedding... I've been drifting down memory lane lately.

- Payday Thursday sub night! (we made our own)
- Dad's eight track players and what seemed like hundreds of eight tracks!
- Dad singing his favorite songs in the silliest ways.
- Friends and family dropping by throughout the weekend.
- Going to the cottage every weekend during the summer.
- Hearing my parents chat at the dinning room table after dinner over tea.
- The smell of coffee on Saturday mornings.
- The radio on all day every day.
- Having Legos at the cottage only... and being completely obsessed with them.
- The giant Barbie house my dad made me (with carpet, wallpaper, mirrors, a garage - with light, a patio with tiny little spindles and green AstroTurf!)
- Belle, our beautiful miniature collie.
- The countless hours it took my mom to make all of my skating costumes. (hand stitching the tiny little beads)
- Dad pulling our sleds back up the hill, even when he didn't slide with us.
- Stockings on New Year's morning.
- Mom and Dad waking us up at 12am for fondue on New Year's Eve/Morning.
- Making snow forts under the boat during the winter.
- Mom throwing us some cans of 7up while we were swimming in the lake, while it was raining. (you have to love Fido Dido!)
- Building stuff with Dad. I'm sure I was very "helpful".
- Eating chips and soda on Friday and Saturday only.
- Never once trying my mom's butter tarts, but now wishing I had.
- Making that popcorn over the stove at the cottage. Nothing tasted better.
- Eating an obscene amount of "Mr. Freezies" at the cottage. (must be where Reece gets it from)
- Parlez francais!!! Allez dehors!!! (ha!)
- Veggies and dip was a staple at the cottage.
- My mom's green peppered steak.
- Dad's jokes told again and again and again...
- The rainbow they had painted in my room.
- The endless supply of crafts I was provided me with.
- The paddle boat.
- Skinny dipping.
- Catching leaches and covering them with salt.
- Dad and his friends coming together to build the "big" projects.
- Exploring the islands.
- The sounds of loons at night.
- Watching sunsets together.
- Our "American" friends from Michigan.
- Dad cutting down, what seems like, every one's trees and thinking he was the strongest man on earth. (I think he still is!)
- Making the rock bridge to the other island, as a family.
- Walking "to the goose and back" in the mornings with my mom.
- Our multiple family trips.
- The console TV that we had up until 3 years ago.
- All of the Halloween parties my parents let me have... and participated in!
- Christmas Eve parties at my grand-parents' house and Santa arriving on his snowmobile!

We have memories, good ones and bad ones, that bind us for life. Ohana.

Growing

It's interesting, dating after divorce. It's obviously nothing I've ever done before. Dating before kids was much more simple, less complicated and more self involved.

Today, dating with kids around is challenging to say the least but it does help keep priorities straight and more focused on the important stuff. Keeping the kids' (his and mine) needs and feelings in the very forefront of our minds and balancing our feelings and thoughts on this new love is quite a challenge but also a blessing.

Managing kid behaviors, outside influences and more intense priorities initiates some really interesting conversations that would never have transpired otherwise.

There are a lot of challenges when dating with kids, but challenges aren't necessarily bad, they are what help you grow. Growing individually and growing as a couple. I suppose the growth is somehow defining where this journey goes.

Trust

This is from my devotional on June 20th...

Those who are attentive to a matter will prosper, and happy are those who trust in the Lord. ~Proverbs 16:20

Trust is like faith. You cannot see it; you just do it. It must be given. Here are some other words from the thesaurus for trust: confidence, belief, credence. To trust is to "depend on, rely on, bank on, build on, count on." You cannot trust without moving out of your head. You cannot depend on someone or build on something with mere knowledge. The soul must be part of the equation. The words call us to action, not inspection. The word on is significant as well. You can't merely rely. You can't depend on yourself. You can't build in air. There is a requirement of someone or something else that moves us out of ourselves.

We can know, yet not do. We can gather facts, and give nothing in return. We can observe all day long without ever caring. But we do not trust if we don't care. We do not give to something if we don't trust it. And if we say we trust the truth, and yet we do nothing with it, it reveals we have not trusted it at all. Trust requires something of us. Trust holds the feet of knowledge to the fire of action.

I'm really enjoying this devotional. I started reading it in February and 7 out of 10 times it seems to be exactly what I need to hear for the day. It applies to where I am in my life.

It seems that the thing I struggled the most these past 10 years with in my walk with God is... trust. I give my trust easily to others but to God... trusting Him with my life, now that's an entirely different story. Maybe it's because I know people are flawed, sinners just like me and that they will make mistakes - that's one thing I know for sure is true and I can count on. But God? What if He lets me down? Trusting Him with my entire life means risking Him letting me down and if He let me down, that would surely kill parts of me I can't bear to lose.

It was a Monday last winter when I sat in the office with D and as we talked through my ugly "control" issues, I realized that those issues were based on fear. I trust others easily, if the trust is betrayed I try to control the relationship so that it won't happen again. Why then, is trusting God so much harder for me? He's never let me down. I feel His hand over my life. I feel Him guiding me. Why does it feel that sometimes I need Him to drag me instead of guide me because I'm terrified of the path He's guiding me on?

It's fear. It all comes down to fear.

Courage is required when trust is concerned. I am finding the courage to trust God with my entire life. It's a daily battle. I don't blame God for the hurts in my life. I can see how they were, as always, a blessing to me. Without hurt there is no growth - I understand that.

Trusting my Father is becoming easier (not effortless, however!), I realize that I'm reacting to stumbling blocks a lot differently than I used to. I am learning to not only to talk the talk... but walk the walk with Him as my guide.

Trust requires something of us. Trust holds the feet of knowledge to the fire of action.

Staking claim

D sent me a card last week to thank me for the butterfly but also to wrap up our session. During our last session I was pretty teary eyed because as I've shared in an earlier post - I hate goodbyes. And she wasn't doing a whole lot of talking. She wrote in the card that she was at a loss for words. The card she wrote is a keeper! I did want to share her last part as a reminder of the claims we need to stake out for ourselves as God's children:

I am blessed. Ephesians 1:3
I am chosen and holy. 1:4
I am adopted. 1:5
I am forgiven. 1:7
I am favored. 1:7-8
I am close to God. 2:13
I am loved. 3:17-19
I am promised great things. 3:6
I am cherished. 5:29

I hope you can rest in those claims as much as I have these past few months.

Far away

I've been away for over 11 years. I've made adjustments to living so far away from them. Sadly enough I've gotten used to the distance.

I think about them every day and there are times when I wish they could be next to me to experience things I'm having to experience on my own, but this is the choice I made - to live over 1,000 miles away.

We talk about when we'll see each other again soon after I arrive. 37 days until I get to hug them and hear Mom's predictable sigh of relief.

Dad's in the hospital which makes 37 days feel like years away. I hate that. I have prayed for God to give the doctors wisdom and guidance for his care. Funny... normally when I pray for someone who is sick, I never ask for their healing because it may not be what God wants. I ask for God's peace in that person's life and their family as well as wisdom for the doctors, because I know that is in God's plan. I always wrap up by asking that God's will be accepted by all.

This may not be anything to worry about. He may be released at the end of the week and be told to stop eating so many Little Debbie cakes (ha!) or that he needs more sleep or that he needs to take something to help with that specific problem. But the distance is what keeps my mind from much rest... This must be how my parents feel when they have to sit by the phone and wait for me to give them news of the cause of their worry (life, labor, babies, etc).

Either way today I pray for Dad's healing... because the thought of accepting anything else is unbearable. Today... I ask you to pray for God's strength and peace in my family's life.

Cake

ingrained
- Being an element; present in the essence of a thing
- Fixed, established

And that's what's beginning to happen. We're becoming more a part of each other's lives instead of an extension.

Meeting family and friends... spending time with the kids... Swimming, softball games, grilling, hugs, walks, talks...

It's like making a cake. Gently adding the ingredients in, one at a time, blending them all together and praying it tastes as delicious as it looks as it's taking shape.

1 year ago today

1 year ago today, I was terrified
1 year ago today, truths became lies
1 year ago today, I chose myself over a someone else
1 year ago today, I found courage
1 year ago today, I saw truth
1 year ago today, I walked away from a marriage
1 year ago today, I began a new life
1 year ago today, I sought complete refuge in the arms of my Creator

1 year ago today, I truly understood the meaning of faith.

Bonne Fete, Papa!

It's my dad's birthday today... Hero

Top ten things I love about my dad (in no particular order):

1. His jokes... even if I've heard them a million times
2. The way his face looks when he tells me he loves me
3. That I can talk to him about anything in the world and he seems to always understand
4. His love of nature
5. His protective nature
6. His humbleness
7. That he's a man of his word
8. He loves his family more than he loves himself
9. He has a strong work ethic
10. His love of order (it's where I get my organization addiction)

Bonne Fete, Papa! Je t'aime fort fort, plus que tout les nuages.
Renée
xoxo

Background noise

This must be the feeling Ariel had when she got her legs in The Little Mermaid. Excited about it, a little wobbly and completely unsure on how to take the first few steps.

No therapy means I have to process it in my head by myself. I have to listen, really listen and hold my tongue until I understand what I’m feeling. Lots of listening this weekend and lots of growth.

Ironically enough, I signed up for a gym study and so I’ll be physically working through my thoughts today at 4pm. Um… funny, how that worked out. Talk therapy replaced by physical therapy. It’s a three week deal… maybe this is the transition I need. A God thing?

Even with all these thoughts swirling around in my head, the peace and comfort that’s been there for a few weeks hasn’t disappeared. It’s still there working with me instead of fleeing, again something new for me.

Things are so good right now; regardless of the “background noise” that is a constant in every life. I think we all wish we could live in a bubble and be able to keep out the uncomfortable but that isn’t reality. This life, my life, my reality. It contains a lot of background noise… but background noise is what helps me grow and learn more about who I am as a person. Instead of getting anxious, upset or mad about it I must learn to work with it so that I can make it work for me.

Saying goodbye

I did it. I said goodbye to D yesterday and I got pretty teary eyed. I gave her a butterfly because it felt fitting based on the book and how I felt.

I wasn't sure what to expect. An exit session of therapy. She asked how my week was (typical) and we chatted about that and then we talked about how I would know when I'm "slipping" (my word). We talked about my yellow flags and my red flags. Interestingly enough, my red flags are physical symptoms and my yellow flags are all emotional. I never really thought about it before. I work on this, daily, but really pointing out the signs I need to watch out for is very different than naming them. They are now named. I sure wish I had brought my notebook!

I gave her a copy of my blog. I exported it Tuesday night and formatted it for her. She seemed surprised and mentioned that I talked about it quite a bit and was glad I would share it with her. It felt right. She's a major reason why I started in the first place.

Saying goodbye wasn't as hard as I thought it would be... it was more like I was now greeting a different chapter of my life.

Blessed

It's days like these when I wish my mind took better pictures - forever pictures.

Us playing by the water, looking for frogs, talking about the nasty smell of duck poop, admiring the ducklings with their parents, looking out for snakes, and taking down spider webs. The weather is beautiful. The boys are in awe of it all. I am in awe of them.

I am blessed.

Goodbye

I hate goodbyes. I try and avoid them at any cost.

So tomorrow is going to suck. I hadn't really thought of it before, not seeing D again.

She's been one of my best cheerleaders and anchors for almost a year. She has heard it all. She's been a really great accountability partner through this entire year and I've had to fess up to some not so great actions on my part... and I never felt judged or crazy (two things I hate feeling!). She's been a great support and guide.

I'm ready to "graduate" from therapy and the reason I'm ready is because I had an amazing therapist who listened and challenged me. She made it hard for me to want to go back to therapy and I'm glad she did. If therapy had been easy, it wouldn't have been worth it.

D and I have talked a bit about her role vs. my role in therapy. She always compares it to being in a gym and she was my trainer... showing me how the machines worked but I was/am the one who has to actually use them and do the work.

Thank you D, for being an awesome trainer and for not giving up on me when I wanted to.

Happiness Project - the middle

So here's the main part of the book. Each chapter is divided by a month starting with January. The goal is to perfect each "task" and by December be able to do them all perfectly. I've really been thinking about all this this past month and I really don't want this to be work. It's summer! I want it to be fun.

I'm posting the complete list for you to check out. I'm going to look through it and pick a couple of things I'm really interested in doing. Maybe it will take me a year... who knows.

I also would like to try and see if I can get the kids to create their own "mini" happiness project. That may be overzealous.

Month 1 - Boost Energy
- Go to sleep earlier
- Exercise better
- Tackle a nagging task
- Act more energetic

Month 2 - Remember Love
- Quit nagging
- Don't expect praise or appreciation
- Fight right
- No dumping
- Give proofs of love

Month 3 - Aim Higher
- Enjoy the fun of failure
- Ask for help
- Work smart
- Enjoy now

Month 4 - Lighten Up
- Sing in the morning
- Acknowledge the reality of people's feelings
- Be a treasure house of happy memories
- Take time for projects

Month 5 - Be Serious About Play
- Find more fun
- Take time to be silly
- Go off the path
- Start a collection

Month 6 - Buy Some Happiness
- Indulge in a modest splurge
- Buy needful things
- Spend out
- Give something up

Month 7 - Contemplate the Heavens
- Read memoirs of a catastrophe
- Keep a gratitude notebook
- Imitate a spiritual master

Month 8 - Pursue a Passion
- Create a portfolio
- Make time
- Forget about the results
- Master a new technology

Month 9 - Pay Attention
- Pray purposefully
- Stimulate the mind in new ways
- Keep a food diary

Month 10 - Make time for friends
- Remember birthdays
- Be generous
- Show up
- Don't gossip
- Make three new friends

Month 11 - Keep a Contented Heart
- Laugh out loud
- Use good manners
- Give positive reviews
- Find an area of refuge

Month 12 - Boot Camp Perfect!

I'd love your thoughts and comments!

Peace

You know that feeling? The feeling of peace. Like the world is just the way it's supposed to be? Well... maybe just my world.

Today I feel that way. Like life is just the way it's supposed to be, in an altered, not perfect way.

Not all my questions have answers, not all my fears subsided, not all my hurt gone, not all my anxiety calmed... but things are still good.

Peace. Love. Hope. Strength.

Today I feel like I am floating in God's love and support. It's a nice feeling.

Closure

I had been thinking of this for a few weeks now... apologizing to him. I did it.

I wasn't angry. I didn't feel obligated to. I wasn't nervous about it. It just felt right. I apologized for my part in it without getting into the weeds of it all.

I don't want to live years and years thinking about it. I don't want to think back 5 years from now "I really wanted to say this and I didn't." 5 years from now it wouldn't mean anything. 5 years from now I may not care anymore and he may not either. If I didn't do it now, 5 years from now our relationship may be different because I didn't. Or... maybe it would be the same. Who knows?

What I do know for sure is that I'm glad I apologized for my part. I'm glad he knows I acknowledge that it wasn't all him, because it wasn't. It takes two to say "I do" and it takes two to say "I don't".

Closure.

The meeting

So it's not a secret anymore... to anyone. I have a boyfriend. And the boys know it.

It went really well actually. I don't know what I was expecting. Of course I tend to invite various scenarios in my head, trying to work through the "what ifs". What if they hate him? What if they kick him? What if they say super embarrassing things about me? What if, what if, what if... So in the end... "What if they like him and it goes really well?" was the winner.

Reece struggled a bit after the day was over and after a couple of conversations I realized that he's sad for his dad because his dad doesn't have a girlfriend (biting my tongue right now). He really likes B and I think he's feeling a bit like he's betraying his dad. That makes sense to me. Oh my word! If my parents divorced and my mom got a boyfriend I would constantly be comparing him to my dad because... well... my dad rocks. And that's how Mr. Reece is feeling too.

And there you have it. I have a boyfriend who likes my kids (or hides the fact that he doesn't really well... whatever, it works for me) and kids who really like him.

I thought I would be nervous to do my "mom" thing around someone who has never seen me as a mom but it went really well. Think about it. Normally when you meet someone, your kids are with you, you have some kind of kid fluid on you (spit up, snot, juice, whatever!), or your purse if filled with kid paraphernalia. But when I go on a date with B, I make sure I'm clear of all kid "markings" - yep, I make sure I look all grown up and as tempting as it might be... I don't cut his food for him. But when my kids are around, there's no getting my dating game on, it's all hands on deck and I'm 100% "mom". I'll wipe boogers, kiss ouchies, love on them and scold them and not really worry about what's going on around me because the boys are my focus.

In the end we all survived the meeting and I pray that the boys continue to grow through this process and truly understand that wherever this journey takes us that their well-being is my priority and I will do whatever it takes to make this journey a great one for all of us.

Butterflies

It's graduation time and oddly enough, this is the time I'm "graduating" from therapy. Next week will be my last session, a wrap up session.

Honestly, it's a little scary to go out on my own. D's been a sounding board, a neutral party, for a really long time - 11 months to be precise. I feel ready. I have done a lot of work and I continue to monitor what's going on in my head - what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling about things and why I'm feeling them. I am making better decisions and the anxiety that filled me for so many years has all but disappeared.

D reminded me of the beginning of the book where it talks about caterpillars vs. butterflies.

"Nature provides many examples of this incredible discrepancy between who we appear to be and who we truly are. Consider the caterpillar. If we brought a caterpillar to a biologist and asked him to analyze it and describe its DNA, he would tell us, "I know this looks like a caterpillar to you, but scientifically, according to every test, including DNA, this is fully and completely a butterfly." God has wired into a creature what looks nothing like a butterfly, a perfectly complete butterfly "identity". And because the caterpillar is a butterfly in essence, it will one day display the behavior and attributes of a butterfly. The caterpillar matures into what is already true about it. In the meantime, berating the caterpillar for not being more like a butterfly is not only futile, it will probably hurt his tiny ears!

So it is with us. God has given us the DNA of godliness. We are saints. Righteous. Nothing we do will make us more rigtheous than we already are. Nothing we do will alter this reality. God knows our DNA. He knows that we are "Christ in me." And now he is asking us to join him in what he knows is true!"

I love that analogy and I'm so glad that D reminded me of it.

As my "official" therapy ends, I know my "life" therapy never will. I'll probably be heading back over to see another "D" sometime for various life changes that need some extra help... but for now, I'm going shed the rest of my chrysalis and jump. With God's help, I'll be doing a lot of flying - keep your eyes out!

The final chapter

I just finished reading "TrueFaced" tonight. D and I have been reading through this for about 2 1/2 months now (1 chapter per week... sometimes 1 chapter for 2 weeks). It's a must read - probably the best "self help book" I've ever read... and I've read my fair share!

Below are a few of my favorite highlights from the final chapter. Enjoy!

Ever since we were children we have had dreams and hopes of destiny. Some of these dreams are our own, but others came from the very hand of God - and God's dreams never go off the radar screen. Even time, failure, or heartbreak can't make us forget them entirely. Still, most of us have tried to stuff them into the attic. We have been rudely awakened out of too many of them, too many times, and each time we lost more and more of the dream. Yet even if we've forgotten the fiber of those dreams, God has not.

What dream is God dreaming when He dreams about you and about me, and how can we help that dream come true?

We are all performers, but because of sin we've lost confidence that we will always please our audience, and so we put on a mask. As an unintended result, no one, not even the people I love, ever get to see my true face. The real me.

We are all performers. One question remains: Will you perform to gain the acceptance and pleasure of your audience - and always feel that you have failed? Or will you perform out of a heart of trusting delight, knowing you have already please your Audience?

A word of caution... I'm no longer performing for you, actually I haven't been for about 6 months. This is me. True faced. Enjoy.

Steppin' out

I did it. I stepped out into the unknown, let my guard down and had a really great time! Rockfest 2010 was muddy, rainy, cold and just what I needed.

Taking leaps and doing things that are uncomfortable is probably one of the best ways for me to learn more about who I am and what I'm really all about. I've been very honest about Rockfest - I'm not a huge fan of the music... honestly I can't understand the lyrics unless C sings them to me (and she did a great job doing that). But it wasn't about the music. It was about doing something that for a long time I told myself I "shouldn't" do in order to be a certain kind of person. It was about breaking down the rules that controlled my life. I didn't care if my friends went but me? I wouldn't do it because I felt a judgement... probably my own. I shouldn't leave my kids for a rock concert. I shouldn't occasionaly drink. I shouldn't see the things I saw at the concert.

I created rules. Rules that I thought would keep me safe from hurt or sin, something I desperatly tried to avoid. The only thing those rules created were more barriers that made me feel suffocated. Imagine fencing your backyard to keep your kids safe. You look around the yard and you see the gas meter on the side, so you put a fence around that... Oh! And the tree - you don't want them to climb the tree because they could get hurt, so there's another fence. And then what about the deck? It has stairs - you put a fence around that too - they could trip! Pretty soon you look around the yard and your kids are now limited to tiny little "safe" area. An area that is very safe, but it doesn't teach them a thing about who they are, what they like to do or teach them to keep themselves safe. They really will be safe in that tiny little area, but they will never be able to live and experience a childhood. They will never experience life.

My rules, my fear of judgement was preventing me from living.

I sat in church every Sunday and listened to the sermons and instead of hearing grace I focused on what I needed to do so that God would love me and never really understood that He loves me no matter what. He loves me in a pure unimaginable way. Sure, I disappoint Him, I make Him cringe and He shakes His head wondering when I'll smarten up... but He loves me regardless of my flaws. I don't have to "should" my way into His arms... I'm already there!

I am standing on my grounded identity. I will fail, I won't always say the right thing and I will do things that may not be what some think I should do, but I've learned that I can't should my life away and I won't should others' lives away either.

I'm a woman, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, an ex-wife, a grand-daughter, a friend, a co-worker but best of all I'm His.

No regrets

I feel a mixture of emotions. Great, indifferent, sad...

I'm glad I said what I said after the hearing. I do not regret marrying him. These last 11 years were a blessing and I would not be who I am today without the experiences I've had. Good times, bad times - they made me who I am today... how can I regret that?

I met with D this morning and we discussed my feelings (cause... in case you ever wonder... that's what you talk about in therapy... a lot.). I'm in such a different place right now. We talk about the "new" Renee and the "old" Renee. The "old" me made decisions on the look good/feel good and those decisions were always rushed. The decisions were made quickly in order to avoid really looking into the actual motive. Now I'm making decisions based on the right and good. Those decisions are made carefully and with a lot of prayer and thought. They aren't based on what feels right but what is right for me.

I share with D that there are so many people I want to apologize to for giving them advice based on the "shoulds" of life. "You should do this because..." is a phrase I would often say. I've learned that shoulds are ridiculous and drain you. There are no shoulds in life... there are only choices. Shoulds take away choices and when the choices are gone we are stuck.

It feels good to be in this place. A new life. A new start. A new day.

The calm after the storm

It's the pattern of destruction, isn't it? After every crazy wild storm, there's a calm. A peace. A moment when things seem to have settled into a new normal. The damage is still done, the pieces laying everywhere but it still seems that even with the pieces broken and laying everywhere, they have settled into a comfortable place.

That's where it all is now. Broken but having found a new comfort.

The gloves are off

It's a choice. Doors locked, shades drawn, watching my back, filing police reports. Life in this moment. Chaos. Maybe it’s overkill, but maybe it’s not.

D asked me this morning what I was feeling. Numb. She didn’t like that response. I am in survival mode, I have to be.

Breaking into my email and Facebook account was the straw that broke the camels back. The gloves are off and as numb as I am, I’m not paralyzed by fear as I have been. I know what I need to do… it may not be at the pace everyone else would like, but I’m doing it. I feel violated but mostly, I feel disgusted by the behavior.

It is so wrong that at this point in my relationship with B, we have to side step and deal with someone else’s emotional garbage.

This entire thing is just a mess and I want to pray it away, but through this, I know God is in control. He has a plan for this fiasco and when I look back 6 or 9 months from now, it will all make sense and I will praise Him for the lessons this taught me. I will praise Him for the growth it produced in me.

Shifting Gears

I took my blog offline this morning. He found it and used the information on it for his benefit. The rage was unreal. Find out now or later about B, doesn’t really matter – the reaction would have been the same.

The divorce papers were signed today and the divorce will be final next Tuesday. I’m looking forward to officially closing that chapter of my life and start to truly move forward.

There's been quite a bit of drama these past few days... none of it great. That's how life goes, I suppose. Ups and downs and twists and turns. I sure wish I could hit a nice long stretch of Kansas Plains soon.

Running

When I laid down at 3am, after taking the last of my anxiety medicine (I hadn't touched the stuff in months), I felt the same feeling creeping up inside me. All the lights were on in the apartment, I laid on my left side so that I could see the door, my purse was on the floor next to the bed, I was fully clothed, glasses on, cell phone in hand. I was terrified that he would make good on his threats.

I laid there thinking about where I was and how I'd gotten here. Running and re-running the conversations of the past 2 hours in my head. I had followed every one's advice. Said what I was supposed to say, I was strong and direct, and here I was again, terrified and alone. That's my problem. If I do what is right and good, I should get right and good results, shouldn't I? I hate those stupid rose colored glasses.

As I was trying to make sure the kids were safe, a friend who was going to check on them said to me "Drive, drive as far as you can, where he doesn't know where you are. I'll call you when it's safe."

My life. This is not the life I want. As hard as I fought for my marriage and as hard as I fought for a peaceful divorce, I realize again that I haven't completely given this one over to God. It is now officially His, cause I can't do it right. I can't keep giving in to all his requests in hopes that it will keep him calm and in turn make it less stressful for all.

B, S and T are the only three I want to see or talk to. I'm fighting to get out of that because I know it's my pattern. It's me trying to protect myself from more hurt and more judgement from my other friends. I've always felt the support and love from my friends, but in my head, by distancing myself from everyone makes me think I'm protecting them. It's not right and I'm fighting to get out of it and this time it won't last months like it did the previous time. I just need a little grace.

I'm going to go to church this morning and worship. I'm going to pray that God covers him with peace and comforts him with love. I don't ask God this request for me, I'm asking for the boys.

Will you pray for them too?

Exoneration

ex·on·er·ate (g-zn-rt)
tr.v. ex·on·er·at·ed, ex·on·er·at·ing, ex·on·er·ates
1. To free from blame.
2. To free from a responsibility, obligation, or task.

D and I have been talking about exoneration the last couple of weeks. That's where I am with the elephants in my life. I'm exonerating them all and letting it all go. Not because I can't handle it, but because I can. Elephants are heavy and they drag you down. I don't want to keep having to move them, inspect them, talk about them over and over again because it's not helpful or productive. Later it might be helpful or needed but for now, it's not.

I was constantly looking back trying as hard as I could to not repeat or create the sins I had witnessed but now I've made my way towards a healthier me, the me I want to be. I sat around for too many years pretending it all away and I spent the last year yanking it all out and talking the death out of it.

I understand why I made the choices I made. I understand why I didn't care enough about myself to expect better. I understand why I couldn't accept God's grace. And I understand why it's hard for others to understand.

Exoneration isn't something you do for the elephants, it's something you do for yourself.

Diving back in

I talked to God, talked to D and talked to S... (the A-Team) and I did it. I joined eHarmony and opened myself up to new love.

So after some weeks of dating... I have a boyfriend. Crazy, huh? It sounds weird when I say it out loud and even more weird when I type it. Weird in a good way.

I love where it's heading. All relationships are journeys and I'm really enjoying this one.

I constantly hear D's voice in the back of my mind reminding me to stay focused on my healing and making sure that I'm heard through any and all relationships I am in, regardless of the type. Communication, honesty, trust, love, faith, patience... each one just as important as the next in any relationship.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm now an adult or because I've grown in therapy or my dependence on my faith or a combination of all of it, but dating now is totally different then it was back in high school. Where I am, as a person, is so different then where I was the last time I dated. I can take it or leave it and I'm choosing to take it. I'm choosing to dive back into a relationship not because of status or appearances or desperation but because I want a relationship for me.

Who knows where this will lead... but I'm ok with not seeing, molding or directing the plan.

The world of possibilities

I wonder how the world would be if we all truly believed in dreams. Not the sleeping kind but the wishful kind.

When I was younger I would spend hours by myself getting lost in the "what ifs" of life. I loved those days, I miss those days. They were simple and pure.

As adults, I think we become more cynical and doubtful about what's out there, what plans have been set for our lives. We are held back by the sins committed against us or the bad choices we have made. We are sort of just dipping our toes in the water to see how the temperature is instead of believing God's promises and diving right in.

I think that by guarding our hearts and souls we are depriving the world a bit of goodness it so desperately needs. We have one life to live and it would be such a waste to not truly live it, with everything we are.

I have tons of things I want to do in the next days, weeks, months, years of my life and some of them are going to require me to take a big old "Faith Pill" and dive right in and accept the results (not consequences), whether good or bad.

So how about you? You wanna dive in with me?

Tough questions

You ask the toughest questions ever. I wish I could get into your head and see how it all works in there.

You ask me if I am keeping something from you. I answer that I always tell you the stuff that is most important for you to know. You seem ok with that but you ask me if I would answer your question, you hesitate, afraid I will lie to you. I've never lied to you before but you seem unsure.

Finally you say "What was her name? The girl dad kissed? What did she look like?" Ugh.

My mind pulls a memory from last June, while I was driving you to summer camp, you said "I know why you and Daddy might get divorced. Daddy kissed a girl." I looked straight ahead trying to catch my breath. "Why do you think that, buddy?" I asked. You answer simply "Because God says divorce is ok if that happens and your heart is broken Mom. So that must be what happened."

So here we are. Back to those big ugly questions. I can't tell you what I know because its not going to help. So I ask you "Why do you want to know?". You roll over towards me and stick your head under my chin "Because he got a call from a girl this weekend and he said he didn't want to talk to her. Was it that girl?" I can answer this one with confidence, "No. It wasn't that girl." You are quiet for a moment. "Oh. Don't tell him I asked... ok?"

Peanut, I sure wish I could answer all of your big complicated questions but it's not going to help you understand any of this. I wish that I could tell you that not all daddies do this and that trying to figure it all out isn't going to make you feel any better.

I pray that you will heal, just like I am. There will be plenty of scars left, baggage, but I pray that God will take that and turn it into something beautiful. I know He is going to use this and make it good for you, He always does.

Failing

"The hero child is the child who fantasizes that if he or she accomplishes enough, then the whole family will be "o.k.". This child is overly conscientious, conforms to all the rules, and constantly seeks approval. In spite of being a high achiever, the hero child always feels inadequate."

D pointed the above out to me this morning. She said "You were a hero child. Google it." I did.

Looking back I can see how I morphed that into my adult life. Therapy has really taught me how to get myself out of the hero mode and into the failing-all-the-time-but-God-loves-me-and-I'm-great-with-that mode. I tried Googling this new mode but it hasn't been created yet. Maybe I should patent it?

It's ok to fail when you've got your eye on the One because He's got His eye on you too.

Destination

As we live our lives and look back on our past we never truly remember all the great details of it. We remember stories, a short series of flashes that remind us of the experiences we have lived. They come and go and because we are human we never seem to grasp the entire depth of these instances. We can laugh and reminisce, we might even remember the smells or hear the music of that era but the deep feelings, the ones that hit us deep inside our core... those are gone only to be replaced by a memory.

I'm in a place in my life right now where all I want to do is bottle up my days, my moments, so that this feeling can last forever.

God has a journey for all of us and sometimes it seems so confusing and ugly... I remember being on my knees at my house on my kitchen floor begging God to send me an email. It sounds silly now, but I remember praying "I just need You to send me an email on what You want me to do and how You want me to do it and I swear I will do that! I just need you to tell me." He never did. I'm glad He didn't. I wouldn't have learned the lessons I needed to or have grown the way He wanted me to with an email. I never doubted His love for me or His plan for me but the journey seemed torturous.

I suppose it's sort of like hiking through a forest and having to fight the cobwebs, the mosquitoes, the branches and trees. As you fight through it all you can hear in the distance, water and birds and when you finally move that last branch out of the way - there it stands in front of you, the majestic blue lake with its waves crashing on the shore and a view like you've never seen before. The hike was rough and sometimes it seemed easier to give up but the destination made it all worth it.

I know there will be more rough times to come, but I pray that I'll always remember that the destination is always worth it.

"I have been blessed and I feel like I've found my way.
I thank God for all I've been given." ~ Martina McBride

Book review

I just finished reading "Act like a lady, Think like a man" by Steve Harvey last night. Quite humorous, but filled with some very insightful information.

The book is essentially about women and self-respect before and during a relationship. He also gives women "rules" to follow in order to protect themselves from guys who aren't the real deal.

I actually closed the book and felt sorry for men.

Women have been allowed to vote since the early 1900's but it took approximately 40 more years for the women's liberation movement to come into effect. Men have had to make a huge paradigm shift in the last 50 years.

Harvey mentions in the book that men like independent women but they also want to feel needed. He explains that it's totally fine to have a career, have your girlfriends, do your own thing but at the end of the day, if you don't need your man, he's not going to need you either. Pretty simple.

Listen, I know some of you are thinking "But I don't need a man. I'm just fine on my own. I pay my own bills, open my own door, do my own yard work, change my own oil!" I get that. But I also get that when women get upset about this very issue it's because the reaction is fear driven. We don't want to go back to the dark ages where women are treated as objects. Who does? I think that by being overly independent women are treating themselves like objects. Let's be real, we all have feelings no matter our gender and pretending that we don't need anyone, whether it be a friendship or romantic relationship, is simply stupid.

I've had numerous conversations recently with other women about what is and isn't ok in a relationship and very few of us agreed with each other. If we all have different ideas on how to treat women... how is a man supposed to know?

Elephants

Monday morning therapy - there's just nothing I'd rather be doing... or not.

This morning was rough. Still reading TrueFaced with two chapters to go. I'm feeling pretty good about the whole thing as we start discussing the current chapter until D says that on this chapter we'll be talking about the elephant in the room. Really? Today? I haven't talked about that elephant for... well, I never talk about it so why today? Ah yes... it's the last thing on my "recovery plan". I'm starting to hate that plan. Anyway, we forge ahead because I have plans for my therapy co-pays and sitting here for another 10 months is not one of them.

So we talk about the elephant in the room. We talk about feelings and thoughts and really uncomfortable stuff but... I realize it's tough, I hate it, but it's do-able. I tell D this, that I'm actually feeling good about it, not in a great let's do this every day kind of feeling, but like a good/ok kind of feeling. Yep, I'm ready to talk about the elephant and then walk him out the door.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

Divorced parents

We told the kids this afternoon that we were getting divorced. Many have asked what the kids had thought this whole time. Well, they are kids and they didn't think anything other than their parents were separated.

We sat with them on the couch and told them how we loved them so much and that would never change. We told them that after almost a year of being separated we had come to a decision and that we were getting divorced. There were a lot of questions from Reece of course. Ryan... oblivious to what was being discussed tried to console his big brother.

I'm not sure what I thought would happen. What questions he would ask. He asked some tough ones and some predictable ones.

There's no "good" reason to get divorced just like there is no "bad" reason to get married... there are just reasons. Reasons that are never going to make sense to an 8 year old who sees this world as whole and good.

He's laying down right now and I can hear him sobbing... he's tired, filled with anxiety and "grossness". These are the times I wish he were tiny again, when all he needed to feel better was the rhythm of my heartbeat and the smell of my skin.

This one belongs to God. This is so big and so ugly that I know I will never have the right words to fill the hole we've just created in his heart. It's God's to fill because I'm imperfect and weak. I pray that Reece and Ryan both stop and listen long enough to find comfort in the rhythm of God's heartbeat and the smell of His skin.

Forgiveness

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I'm reading TrueFaced written by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and John Lynch - excellent book with so many amazing insights. I thought I'd share a paragraph I read this evening that I thought was written well and explained forgiveness perfectly.

"Forgiveness breaks down walls, frees hearts, mends countries, restores families, and draws out the best in us. It can turn hatred into tenderness and the desire to destroy into a passion to protect. It is more powerful than any weapon, government, or wealth. Nothing else can bring such profound healing. Forgiveness forms the foundation of our relationship with God and sustains our relationships with each other. When we unleash this gift, by receiving it in humble trust that God can actually free our heart and heal our relationships, then the miraculous can happen. This powerful gift has one purpose: to protect us from insidious harm that comes from sin done against us."

It was worth it

I just posted this blog link to my Facebook page. That's kind of a big step for me.

I want to be transparent and I want people to know my crazy thoughts and rants and I feel like I'm at a place where I can accept other people's comments/support/critiques.

It feels good to be here.

I've been making some really good headway in therapy - so much so that I'll be graduating within the next 6 weeks. I felt really good talking to D about wrapping it up and letting me face this crazy world on my own. I'm not at all "healed" because that really doesn't exist. This life is a journey and it will never be perfect and I will be causing and receiving all kinds of wounds but I feel like for the last 10 months I've been filling my toolbox with the tools I will need to face those unexpected hurdles.

As D says, I've been practicing for a marathon and now it's time to race.

There were many Monday mornings that I did not want to get up and face the demons I had suppressed for so long, cause feeling gross sucks. (right, S?) But it's worth it. It was worth feeling like crap for a lot of weeks (maybe even months). It was worth questioning my every thought and motive. It was worth never feeling like I understood the world. It was worth coming to work every Monday morning with puffy eyes to sweet co-workers with tissues. It was worth it, because without it I would have never knew what I was capable of and who I really am.

I'm going to miss D, when it's all over. I'll probably cry and feel I lost a friend. But it was worth it.

The end

I was recently asked what my contribution was to the break up of my marriage. I felt like I was stumbling through my response...

Here's the deal - I was an equal partner in the destruction of my marriage. I take ownership of that. I based my choices and actions on fear instead of faith and love. The things that attracted me to him and him to me are the very things that destroyed us. I didn't fight for the things I believed in because I was afraid to rock the boat. I hate fighting and uncomfortable situations and conversations so I avoided them at all costs. I thought if I faked it until we made it, that it we would be ok.

But when we did fight, I didn't fight fair - ever. I knew exactly what to say to hurt him and I did it, every single time knowing full well what it would do to him. Yes, I always apologized and found words to lift him back up but it was too late. I'd already cut him. I wanted to have the perfect marriage, the perfect children, and be the perfect wife. That's really hard to do when none of those things exist. I didn't give him or myself enough grace.

I fought for my marriage but not the way I should have.

Hindsight is always better isn't it? I can look back and very clearly see what I did and didn't do correctly. How I could have better reacted to various situations... but it's over now. A lot has happened, a lot of crazy, ridiculous, immature things.


"Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior.
Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past." ~Joan Borysenko

Falling into faith

Easter is just around the corner and not only am I more focused on Christ's sacrifice for all of us, as unworthy as we are but I think about His mother and her journey through this all.

I find myself questioning how strong my faith would be in the face of my child's suffering. Mary knew, as do I, that we can't protect our kids from all of life's tribulations. It's hard enough to let go and to let them stumble when they make mistakes, but it's even harder to watch kids suffer at the hands of someone else, whether it be a school bully or thoughtless adult.

I remember once I took the kids to the pool and we were all playing when Reece accidentally ran into a little boy. Reece quickly apologized but the boy immediately turned around and stuck out his chest and patted it with his hands... he was ready to fight. I caught it and looked at him sternly and said "He apologized! Don't be ridiculous. It was an accident." And the little boy looked down towards the water and swam away. I had never felt an adrenaline rush like that before. I am non-confrontational, even with kids... so that was something new to me. I quickly realized that this is was the "Mama Bear" coming out of me.

I say all this thinking about how Mary must have felt watching her son be beat, tormented, spit on, essentially ripped apart before having to carry a cross to his imminent death. She watched on knowing that this was what was all for a greater purpose. Her son's suffering was going to save the tormentors, bullies, from hell. This was God's plan. But she was human. She must have felt the adrenaline run through her body. She must have felt immense pain in her heart. She had to not only lean, but fall into faith and believe, truly believe, that God would save their son. She had to fight the adrenaline, the need to protect.

I wonder... have I ever really fallen into faith? Have I ever really truly let go and do I fully understand that God has my very best interest at heart even when it doesn't seem like it. Have I put my entire life into his hands and completely let down my guard so that He could truly show me all that He has planned for me, for us? Have you?

Life is good

I've felt my soul start to be whole again. The last few months have been like putting together a puzzle of who I was and who I really am and now it feels complete.

I don't feel tired like I used, not that kind of tired. The constantly thinking, trying to make things better, trying to understand the inside of everyone's mind, his specifically.

I think this is very similar to the feeling I got right after I was saved 8 years ago. A newness about me. A weight off my shoulders. A new zest for life. I can certainly see the junk ahead, the things that aren't so great that I will have to deal with but it doesn't bring on anxiety, not like it used to.

I've been working my list of goals this week. Where I see myself in 2 years, 5 years... various trips and memories I want to share with the boys. I'm also working on my Happiness Project that I would like to launch in August - I'll keep you posted when I have a couple of concrete thoughts jotted down.

Life is good.

Easter alternative

Ah... and here we are. Holiday time. I knew this would come and when my best friend asked who had the kids this year for Easter I tip-toed around the subject - a lot. Truth is, I didn't want to know. Because if I didn't have them then what the heck was I going to do? ME??!!! The queen of holidays! The hostess with the... well, ok - not mostess but I do like to host and celebrate. But I knew I had to check.

Not my turn. Not this year.

Sure, I could go over to my in-laws' house. I love them all and they love me and we're all great together and stuff. But after thinking about it for a while, I need to be respectful for present and future relationships that may occur, mine and his. Would it be cool for me if when I'm in another relationship I go over and celebrate the holidays with his family because "that's how it's been for the last 11 years"? No, that wouldn't be cool. It wouldn't be cool for anyone involved, because it wouldn't be ok for me to invite the boyfriend along.

So... there you have it. I don't have the kids for the holiday and I need to start getting creative on various ways to celebrate on alternate days. It's not the day that matters - I know that. It's the celebration. So I'm thinking Good Friday sounds like a good day to celebrate it with the kids. We'll do the Prayer Walk at church, come home and have an Easter dinner/celebration and they'll go hang out with Dad for the weekend (it turns out to be his weekend anyway).

Perfect plan? Nope. But as I wrote before... I'm so over perfect.

These are a few of...

Your tantrums
Peeing through your Pull-Up... in my bed
Saying "No" to just about everything
Not wanting to keep your clothes on
Being a picky eater
Pulling all the books off the shelf
Counting on 3 fingers the things I know you'll definitely eat
Dressing, undressing, redressing yourself
Making big messes in the kitchen while you are "cooking"
Changing your mind 10 times within 5 minutes
Wanting to be by me every second of every day
Reading The Cat in the Hat for the millionth time
The way you intertwine your fingers in mine when we watch tv
Falling asleep in my arms
Asking me "I hold you?"
That you like to wear hats and/or clothes when you take a bath
The silly faces you make when you are pretending to be a grown up
Rocking out to Bon Jovi with the pots and pans
When you stick your feet under my legs when we snuggle at night

These are a few of the things I'll miss most as you grow up. I love you, Ryan.

Dancing in the rain

Reece and I were driving in the car yesterday afternoon when he said "Mom, 2008 and 2009 were really great years! They were my favorite so far! And 2010, I think, is going to be even better cause it started out so well!"

A lot of thoughts ran through my head. How can he think that? His life has been torn apart, his parents separated, he's had to move out of the only home he's ever known, share a room with his brother, change schools, make new friends, and see his dad just a few times a month.

But I began to look at it from his perspective. Yes, his parents have separated, but he has never doubted our love for him, he's moved away from his home, but he got a new place with a pool and barely any commute to church (which he hated!). Yes, he has to share a room with his brother, but he doesn't like to sleep in a room alone anyway. Yes, he's had to make new friends, but he has made them and he's a pretty popular kid. Yes, he only sees his dad a few times a month, but that time with him is quality time.

I worked so hard since the time he was born to make everything, life, as stable as possible. We had many get togethers with our friends and family for whatever reason. We celebrated just about everything. I wanted to give it all to him and his brother so that they would look back on their childhood and feel whole. And this past year, especially, I couldn't give any of that to them. I tried to keep things as stable as possible but I don't control the world. Honestly, I felt like 2009 was such a disapointment.

But the thing is, that's my idea of stability. That's my idea of what it "should" be like... Kids don't see it the same way. They don't see all the things that went wrong in the past year, they think of the awesome things that happened.

I have this saying hanging in my room:

~Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about dancing in the rain.~

Thank you, Reece, for helping learn to dance in the rain.