Running

When I laid down at 3am, after taking the last of my anxiety medicine (I hadn't touched the stuff in months), I felt the same feeling creeping up inside me. All the lights were on in the apartment, I laid on my left side so that I could see the door, my purse was on the floor next to the bed, I was fully clothed, glasses on, cell phone in hand. I was terrified that he would make good on his threats.

I laid there thinking about where I was and how I'd gotten here. Running and re-running the conversations of the past 2 hours in my head. I had followed every one's advice. Said what I was supposed to say, I was strong and direct, and here I was again, terrified and alone. That's my problem. If I do what is right and good, I should get right and good results, shouldn't I? I hate those stupid rose colored glasses.

As I was trying to make sure the kids were safe, a friend who was going to check on them said to me "Drive, drive as far as you can, where he doesn't know where you are. I'll call you when it's safe."

My life. This is not the life I want. As hard as I fought for my marriage and as hard as I fought for a peaceful divorce, I realize again that I haven't completely given this one over to God. It is now officially His, cause I can't do it right. I can't keep giving in to all his requests in hopes that it will keep him calm and in turn make it less stressful for all.

B, S and T are the only three I want to see or talk to. I'm fighting to get out of that because I know it's my pattern. It's me trying to protect myself from more hurt and more judgement from my other friends. I've always felt the support and love from my friends, but in my head, by distancing myself from everyone makes me think I'm protecting them. It's not right and I'm fighting to get out of it and this time it won't last months like it did the previous time. I just need a little grace.

I'm going to go to church this morning and worship. I'm going to pray that God covers him with peace and comforts him with love. I don't ask God this request for me, I'm asking for the boys.

Will you pray for them too?