Steppin' out

I did it. I stepped out into the unknown, let my guard down and had a really great time! Rockfest 2010 was muddy, rainy, cold and just what I needed.

Taking leaps and doing things that are uncomfortable is probably one of the best ways for me to learn more about who I am and what I'm really all about. I've been very honest about Rockfest - I'm not a huge fan of the music... honestly I can't understand the lyrics unless C sings them to me (and she did a great job doing that). But it wasn't about the music. It was about doing something that for a long time I told myself I "shouldn't" do in order to be a certain kind of person. It was about breaking down the rules that controlled my life. I didn't care if my friends went but me? I wouldn't do it because I felt a judgement... probably my own. I shouldn't leave my kids for a rock concert. I shouldn't occasionaly drink. I shouldn't see the things I saw at the concert.

I created rules. Rules that I thought would keep me safe from hurt or sin, something I desperatly tried to avoid. The only thing those rules created were more barriers that made me feel suffocated. Imagine fencing your backyard to keep your kids safe. You look around the yard and you see the gas meter on the side, so you put a fence around that... Oh! And the tree - you don't want them to climb the tree because they could get hurt, so there's another fence. And then what about the deck? It has stairs - you put a fence around that too - they could trip! Pretty soon you look around the yard and your kids are now limited to tiny little "safe" area. An area that is very safe, but it doesn't teach them a thing about who they are, what they like to do or teach them to keep themselves safe. They really will be safe in that tiny little area, but they will never be able to live and experience a childhood. They will never experience life.

My rules, my fear of judgement was preventing me from living.

I sat in church every Sunday and listened to the sermons and instead of hearing grace I focused on what I needed to do so that God would love me and never really understood that He loves me no matter what. He loves me in a pure unimaginable way. Sure, I disappoint Him, I make Him cringe and He shakes His head wondering when I'll smarten up... but He loves me regardless of my flaws. I don't have to "should" my way into His arms... I'm already there!

I am standing on my grounded identity. I will fail, I won't always say the right thing and I will do things that may not be what some think I should do, but I've learned that I can't should my life away and I won't should others' lives away either.

I'm a woman, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, an ex-wife, a grand-daughter, a friend, a co-worker but best of all I'm His.