It's a choice. Doors locked, shades drawn, watching my back, filing police reports. Life in this moment. Chaos. Maybe it’s overkill, but maybe it’s not.
D asked me this morning what I was feeling. Numb. She didn’t like that response. I am in survival mode, I have to be.
Breaking into my email and Facebook account was the straw that broke the camels back. The gloves are off and as numb as I am, I’m not paralyzed by fear as I have been. I know what I need to do… it may not be at the pace everyone else would like, but I’m doing it. I feel violated but mostly, I feel disgusted by the behavior.
It is so wrong that at this point in my relationship with B, we have to side step and deal with someone else’s emotional garbage.
This entire thing is just a mess and I want to pray it away, but through this, I know God is in control. He has a plan for this fiasco and when I look back 6 or 9 months from now, it will all make sense and I will praise Him for the lessons this taught me. I will praise Him for the growth it produced in me.
I am just catching up. WOW. Wow... after hanging out with little Ryan during preschool time I could tell how much he was just craving the attention and love from all of thsoe around him. I am so thankful you are doing what you NEED to do and even though you are hurting and the boys are hurting right now, you KNOW this is the right plan of action and you KNOW this is what you need to be doing.
ReplyDeleteNo, it's not what you had envisioned for your life, but honestly, who gets what they had envisioned? Yes, if you had planned it, your home wouldn't be broken. But no one gets to plan for the contingencies...and honestly, Renee, I feel like God is probably just ripping that sense of control you have always wanted so desperately and replacing it with HIS calm, you know? The peace that passes all understanding.
I am not the Type A personality you are, but I definitely want control in certain areas. I feel like the miscarriages and all of Lucy's stuff is God saying, "guess what, you're not in charge...I know this is hard, but it's for your best, and you are learning things in the valley you would have never learned on the mountaintop."
the same is true for you, I think.
Anyway, I've had you and the boys on my mind and thought it was so awesome that Ryan came to church in his Bible Answerman outfit. You're letting him be him.
(Something tells me the old Renee wouldn't have allowed that.) ;)
p.s. the old renee maybe wouldn't have allowed him to wear his little batman costume to church, not wouldn't ahve allowed him to be him.
ReplyDeleteargh. now it sounds like i'm insulting you. fabulous.
i hope you get what i'm saying.