The end

I was recently asked what my contribution was to the break up of my marriage. I felt like I was stumbling through my response...

Here's the deal - I was an equal partner in the destruction of my marriage. I take ownership of that. I based my choices and actions on fear instead of faith and love. The things that attracted me to him and him to me are the very things that destroyed us. I didn't fight for the things I believed in because I was afraid to rock the boat. I hate fighting and uncomfortable situations and conversations so I avoided them at all costs. I thought if I faked it until we made it, that it we would be ok.

But when we did fight, I didn't fight fair - ever. I knew exactly what to say to hurt him and I did it, every single time knowing full well what it would do to him. Yes, I always apologized and found words to lift him back up but it was too late. I'd already cut him. I wanted to have the perfect marriage, the perfect children, and be the perfect wife. That's really hard to do when none of those things exist. I didn't give him or myself enough grace.

I fought for my marriage but not the way I should have.

Hindsight is always better isn't it? I can look back and very clearly see what I did and didn't do correctly. How I could have better reacted to various situations... but it's over now. A lot has happened, a lot of crazy, ridiculous, immature things.


"Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior.
Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past." ~Joan Borysenko