Moving Forward

It isn't lost on me that about 1.5 weeks ago I was laying in bed sending encouraging texts to my ex-husband's girlfriend and my husband's ex-wife.

That's really super awesome, right?

This whole grown-up, mature dealio... it's pretty cool.

I'm also very aware that this may not last very long or it could last a good chunk of time... however long it lasts, I'm going to cherish it.

All in for Him

On Sunday December 14th, you took a big step.

You chose to make Jesus Christ the Lord of your life.

Do you know how incredibly beautiful that is? You chose to live out your life for Christ.
I know that at the tender age of 8, you understand the basics.

Jesus was born of the virgin Mary.
Jesus lived and shared God's love with many.
Jesus died for our sins.
To go to heaven and live eternally with Him, you know you must choose to live for Him and to love like Him.

You haven't yet realized that in this world, living for Him and loving like Him are difficult and most of the time the most difficult thing you'll do. It's a world where goodness is mocked, loving is questioned, and hope is quickly dying.

But you, sweet Monkey, will do beautiful things for His kingdom. I know this because I see you share His Word freely. I hear you share the Good News with your friends... You, sweet boy know who moves the mountains and you aren't afraid to ask Him.

I asked you that night if getting baptized was a hard decision and you said "Nope. I knew this was what I was meant to do my whole life.". I sure am praying that your spark for His goodness will stay strong in your heart for all your earthly life.

Congratulations on your baptism, Monkey. Welcome to the family, Brother!
Love always and eternally,
Mom
xo

Friends

A question my kids ask often is whether or not I'm friends with their friends' moms. They want me to have those connections to the same people they do - let's face it, it's easier to get a ride somewhere if they know I know/am friends with the mom and sometimes it can even score you some popularity points.

For them, right now, they want to have a million friends and they want everyone to like them. It's important to them. I totally get that.

I'm in a place in my life where I have a ton of casual friends. You know, the friends I hug and am genuinely happy to I see, we do lunches and invite each other to baby showers and jewelry parties. We have a great time together, every time we get together. They are part of my possy.

However, I have very few authentic friends. 2... 3 at the very most. These relationships require work. They involve arguments, hurt feelings, encouragement, sharing of sins and triumphs... Transparently allowing each other to see our very worst and choosing to continue to love each other. They are the ones I can randomly text for 5 days in a row and then not talk to for weeks... and we're still good. They help me grow. We are authentic, open, forgiving.

In our lives we need both types of friends... and probably many more different types. This doesn't make any of the friends more or less valuable - they are just different. I cherish all of my different types of friendship. When my kids ask how many friends I have... I have to really think about it. Because I am surrounded by lots of different kinds of love and I pray they will understand and cherish the friends they make now and in the future.

Sin

Sin is rampant and it's climbing like vines through every crevice of our world. It stifles the good and oozes out venom filled curses.

I lay in bed at night, my mind swirling with thoughts of how to "fix" things - how to make this world better. The ones I love, healthier... peaceful. I want to be a savior in their lives. I want to be a tool in the healing of this sin disease.

And again, I am reminded that as a sinner myself, I am at a loss. He, the Savior will save us.

Matthew 19:25-26
When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?" Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Hebrews 7:25

Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.

I know that as a follower of Christ I have the responsibility to be a light in the world, to look past the sin and look past the hurt and to be an instrument for the good, for the healing, for His love.

I try...
Matthew 5:16

Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

 

It's not easy because I get hurt too... but it's so worth it.

I love who you are

I remember siting in my therapist's office naming all these things that I liked about my friends.

She makes me feel safe. 

He makes me feel loved. 

When she's around, I can do anything. 

And here's what D said. 

You want to have a relationship with people based on who they are, not how they make you feel. 

And when I met you, I reminded myself of that daily. 

I created a list of values my future husband would have - and I compared you to it. 

I was easily lost in my feelings for you... There were many... But my mind would swing back to my therapy session.

What was it about you, that made you worthy of me? What was it about you that kept me interested?

It was and still is...

.... your heart for Christ. 

.... your work ethic. 

... your love of family. 

... your heart for the lost. 

... your honesty. 

... your willingness to grow. 

... your humbleness. 

... your leadership. 

... your respect for others. 

... your frugality. 

... your hotness... Yep. I went there. :)

I love you, B. You balance me in every way. You are perfect for me. 

Happy 45th birthday!

Marie

Baptism

Last Tuesday (November 18th), I got the immense privilege of being part of a baptism for an incredible woman. This is one of my greatest friends - her testimony is one that deeply touches my heart. She truly has abandoned herself to Him.

She asked me to baptize her. It was an honor to be able to do that. My heart still soars to think about it. She chose me for many reasons but mostly because I've seen her walk first hand and I loved, encouraged, and helped her through it.

If you knew her walk, her dusty road marked with failures and triumphs, with mis-steps and crawls... a walk filled with tears and fears and anxiety and sadness... well, if you knew her walk, you'd be so proud of her too.

God was there with her the whole time. The entire time He watched as she grappled at the world, seeking refuge from it through it. He watched as she doubted Him... He watched as she found glimmers of light but still refused to allow her self to fall into into. He watched as she committed and committed again to live "right"... then... He was with her when she realized what it meant to live in His grace.

Grace is a beautiful place of imperfection and hope. It's a place of healing.
She is healed.
She is His.

The Teenage Years

Happy birthday, Peanut!

You are 13 years old today! An official “teenager”.

I might just cry… alright, honestly… I did. I have and I might continue over the next few days.

You see for me, this is a huge deal. It’s a huge deal because you have entered this new stage in your life. One of the shortest phases of your life, but one that has big, big impacts. You see your teen years shape you for your future. Your experiences, your friends, your school, your culture, your faith – all of this will impact the man you will become. And that is a pretty big deal.

Know that I will be on my knees in prayer more now than ever.

Do I fear for your future? No. Because I know who it belongs to. But I will be praying for you, that as you grow, you will gain confidence and trust yourself more than you trust theirs. That you lean on Him more than them. That through this crazy time in your life that you will look up instead of forward, because He truly does hold the key to your future.

I will fail you time and time again in the next few years – we all will. But He won’t. I tell you this because I remember feeling gross and weird and different than everyone else and you know what? It’s ok. It’s ok to be different. It’s ok to stand up for what you believe. It’s ok to be wrong. It’s ok to not do what everyone else is doing. It’s ok to “miss out” on stuff you don’t feel comfortable doing. It’s ok to be you.

Just be you, Peanut, because “you” rock.

You see the world in a different light. A more mature, complicated way. You ask the tough questions. You don’t settle until your little soul feels at peace. It’s the most frustrating thing ever, and it’s the best thing you could ever do. Don’t stop.

You will also be faced with some really cool opportunities. Don’t turn them away. Be a leader, jump in, be a part of the change in the world. I believe you will do great things in this world – make a difference, you have so much to give.

I’m excited to see what these teen years have to offer you… to see you grow… to hear you with a different voice… to hug your taller-than-me body… to see you fail and to see you thrive…

I love you so very much, Peanut. Happy 13^th birthday!

I love you,
Mom

Stepping Down

I am stepping down.
I am stepping down.
I am stepping down.

I am stepping down.

Those are some really hard words for me. I'm not comfortable walking away from things.
I am loyal. I am a bit stubborn. I am a servant.

But I am stepping down from leading our church's campus for Women's Ministry.
I will stay on board for the all-campus one (I was serving in both places), but for the campus specific one...

I am stepping down.

I'm in a place in my life where bedtimes are later and we have three kids who want and need my physical presence more than ever. I am not just the chef, the chauffeur, the homework checker, the boo-boo kisser... I am the listener and that might just be my most favorite job of them all.

I need to be more present to listen. To hug. To love. To pray.
So I am stepping down.

In the grand scheme of my volunteer world, Women's Ministry is a small part of it, but it's a part that takes the most time. Over the past year, I have been slowly shifting my focus to the children/student ministry - because that's my life right now.

So I am stepping down from one leadership position, but not out of ministry all together (I'd be lost if I did). It's not been an easy decision. It's one I've been praying about for 2 years, but it is one I feel peace.

Sweet 16

At times I feel like I've known you a very short period and other times long ones.
You have changed quite a bit in the past 4+ years.

Gone are the days when we would sit down and talk about our dream homes and the awesome slide that would come down the center with a fridge full of ice cream and white chocolate.
Gone are the days when the pool was the most funnest thing ever.
Gone are the days when you were shorter than me. :)

Now we're talking real life stuff. Feelings and thoughts and dreams...
16 holds a sort of higher esteem than other teenage ages. I'm not sure why that is... maybe it's the middle of your teens... whatever the reason it's a right of passage of sorts.

Your heart and soul have grown a lot in the past year. You teeter totter between a grown up heart and a teenage one. It's such a privilege to be part of this growth.

Currently you...

1. love volleyball.
2. like to read and prefer books where the end is completely unpredictable (in other words, love stories aren't your fav!).
3. are super perceptive.
4. are the best big sister ever.
5. like leggings and tshirts.
6. avoid jeans.
7. love baseball (the Royals, really!).
8. want to be a pediatrician.
9. have many interests in the volunteer world.
10. love white chocolate.
11. serve in the Yellow Room at church.
12. have a slight obsession with Pinterest. :)
13. love Jesus with all your heart.
14. couldn't care less what kind of car you get, you just want one!
15. love Starbucks (but what teen girl doesn't?!)
16. are one of the most ridiculously awesome people in my life and I can't imagine my world without you in it.

I love you, sweet girl! Happy, happy, happy sweet 16!
Renee

Forgiveness, honesty, and integrity

Is it just me or is our world becoming a world without accountability.
Where is our integrity?

We do not allow excuses in our home.
Own it. We all do it. When one person in our family messes up, the entire family feels it. It happens. I get it. But own it.

When you don't own it. It's bad. It's really, really bad. That's when things start crumbling and you're stuck under a big pile of poop and you can't get out and get healing because no one wants near a pile of poop.

Does it suck to take responsibility for the mess-ups?

Heck ya!

 

Does it suck to have someone in your life who refuses to take responsibility for their actions?

Heck, heck, ya!

 

 

So we expect truth and in turn you (me, them) receive forgiveness and grace. Immediatly. Always.

 

Let me tell you, we are a family of forgiveness and grace and that, is a very good thing. Because we screw up, a lot.

 

Blaming others for your choices is a sign of immaturity and I'm not raising kids - I'm raising grownups. And B and I are on a journey to continue to mature and grow. Our goal is to be much more like Jesus and much less like us.

 

If everyone was a bit more transparent, a bit more forgiving, a bit more honest, and had a bit more integrity, wouldn't this world look a whole lot different?



Great Big Beautiful Blend of Love

When we first divorced we said it would be like this... but it wasn't.
When we first divorced it was chaotic and filled with drama and lots of unnecessary ridiculousness.

After 4 years, we have worked through our own personal selfish junk and have been able to find peace, both individually and as their parents. That is pretty awesome.

So for our Monkey's 8th birthday we all headed to the movies. All of us. Mom, Dad, stepdad, girlfriend, brother, sister, and the Monkey. That's pretty great, huh?

And it was FUN.
And we weren't faking it.
And we want to do it again.

I've said it before and I will continue to say it.

WE get to decide what their normal is.

After many years, we are able to make their normal, a great big beautiful blend of love.

An 8 Year Old Monkey

8 years of loving on one very sweet little curly blond haired boy.
8 years today.

I can't yet grasp the leaps and bounds you seem to make every single year.
Not only do you grow physically, but your spiritual and personal growth are astounding.
Astounding. I know, right. Big word. Big truth.

You get so very excited about everything.
You love a good party.
You are a tree climber.
You love to hammer things into wood (or whatever I'll allow!)
You love the Ninja Turtles and all things superhero.
You don't care very much about pleasing the crowd.
You are shy in public and not at all at home.
You love to learn.. currently your favorites are Junie B. Jones, Flat Stanley, and Encyclopedia Brown.
You talk about baptism and what it means to you.
You talk about the world around you and the unfair state of it...
You love to argue your points.
You have an amazing memory.
You love snuggling.
You are a homebody.
You love to play baseball and skateboarding.
You love to draw books and make up stories.

Our family jokes that we have a very strong umbilical cord keeping us together, you and I. When I am there, so are you. I know it won't last long, but I'm going to relish it while I can.

I love you, Monkey.
Happy 8th birthday!
Momma
xoxo

Soaring Souls

Parent/Teacher conferences are coming up and I've started a list of questions to ask... And they aren't the typical ones. 

I've been thinking about these little people God has entrusted to me and I am thinking about their growth, their maturity and their place in this world. 

Maybe I'm wrong but I am far less concerned about their grades and their placement in the State assessments and far more concerned about their heart and their soul's place in this world. 

Are my children kind?

Do they look out for their friends?

Do they show respect to all those around them? 

Do they participate and encourage others to do the same?

Are they a team player?

Do they work hard (regardless of grades)?

Yes. Grades are important. 

Yes. I want and expect them to be challenged. 

But where grades are temporal, their souls are eternal. 

In their school world, are their souls soaring as an example of Christ in them or does if flounder with a failing grade?

From what I see... They are passing. 

The Calendar

I wonder when the calendar will look differently.
Looking at it now, it's a little hard to figure out what color the background is as the ink from the pen fills the tiny squares with plans. Practices, games, church events, family stuff... it's full.

I keep them all, you know... the calendars from years gone. I keep them as a reminder that like the weather, our family's seasons change too.

We are drivers, and counselors, and disciplinarians, and encouragers, and holders of secrets, and wipers of tears, and comedians, and memory makers.

Our calendar reflects our family's walk through this world, the good and the bad.

I've gone back and forth about getting one big dry-erase wall calendar but I can't bear the thought of losing our history with one quick swipe of the board.

Instead our season of life is pinned up to our refrigerator as a reminder of our plans... but more importantly, it reminds us of our blessings.

Life Group

B and I were asked earlier this year if we would be Life Group leaders in our church. We prayed a lot. We absolutely loved the Life Group we were already a part and so leaving such a comfortable place was something we both struggled with.

But that's not what God wants. He doesn't want you to get comfortable. He wants you to grow. And we all know what growth does... it hurts.

So we prayed, we talked, we agreed. We needed to continue to grow in Him and because of that, we needed to step out.

We are LG leaders.

I love Life Groups. They are, in my opinion, the glue that holds fellow Christians together... especially in large churches.

So we meet, we talk, we pray, we share.
One of my most favorite things? Seeing my husband, lead and love our group. There is something pretty awesome about seeing your man, lead and pray and love for people.

Pray for us, won't you? That we grow in Christ together. That we will share our hearts. That we be transparent. That we love one another.

If you give a mouse a cookie...

If you get new patio doors...
You have to paint your living room...
If you paint your living room...
You have to change the outlets and covers...
If you change the outlets and covers...
You have to buy a new curtain rod...
If you buy a new curtain rod...
You have to buy new curtains...
If you buy new curtains...
You have to buy new art work...
If you buy new artwork...
You have to talk your husband into buying new furniture...

Forward, Good, Mature

Life has been overwhelming and good lately.

Overwhelming because I've confronted things that were not fun.
Good because I am learning and growing and maturing.

We drove to our meeting place to discuss the conflict. I took deep breaths. Asked him to talk to me to distract me. We got there. I prayed for peace to fill my heart and head. We all talked. All 6 of us. We found a resolution. I left feeling conflicted peace. The past tells me to be un-trusting but the Holy Spirit tells me to let go and move forward.

And so I choose forward.

Our home is filled with doctor appointments lately. Broken ankle, concussion, and physical therapy. Three kids. Three ailments. Two tired parents.

We don't see each other enough, B and I. I crave his presence and he mine. We talk briefly, text silly things, IM throughout the day and meet each other in bed at night. His hand slips on my right hip. He's there with me.

And so I choose the good.

Life is full of these emotional ups and downs. Jesus, husband, kids, job, dog... life. Throughout the day there are millions of things I face and all of them require a part of me. I choose to let them hit me face on and use the sting of reality push me toward Him and His open arms.

And so I choose to mature.

It is a choice, you know. How you manage life. Sometimes the choice is so hard. Sometimes you need your husband to listen and validate and sometimes you need him to tell you, you're a complete idiot and to start counting your blessings. And then there's God who continues to pour out all these crazy ridiculous gifts and you don't really understand why because you're super un-derserving and whiny and irritable.

It's a choice. To move forward, to look for the good and to let it mature every single part of you.

Resolution

We ask our children to step out into their little world each day and be the light. Be more like Jesus. Show others compassion, forgive them, love them when they are unlovable.

We ask this of them because we expect it. We expect it from them and we expect it from ourselves. Are we perfect at it? No. Are they? No. But we are all trying.

And so for nearly 9 months I have personally been in conflict with someone. Do I feel justified, you bet. Does this make the conflict justified? Heck no! I don't want to live in conflict. It's draining even though I don't talk to this person. It's draining because in my heart, I know it's not right. I know that as a true follower of Christ, my behavior is not ok.

You see, I haven't made a real attempt to find a resolution. I've thrown out some "business" type words to express myself but I've not ever spoken from the heart and I think that the foundation of every resolution, is the heart.

I reached out. We're going to meet. I'm going to pray.
I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do for all of us regardless of egos and hurt feelings and past mistakes. I'm doing this because He died for me regardless of egos, and hurt feelings, and all of my past mistakes.

Silos and Jesus

Suicide.
War.
Prejudice.
Injustice.
Addiction.
Hate.
Poverty.
Sadness.
Depression.
Helplessness.

I don't watch the news. I rarely read it either...
But I have heard. I see. I know. And it's frightening.

It's everywhere. It hasn't gone away and... until we behave differently, it never will.

It's years of history and hurts and scabs and disjointed efforts. It's political junk and personal junk and regular junk. It's pride. It's egos. It's culture. It's sin.

We are so consumed by ourselves that we can't or won't take time to look up and look around at what we are doing to one another and to ourselves.

What we need is to tear down the silos. Build up respect and hope and love.
What we need is Jesus.

Satan is front and center in on CNN, Fox, CBS... he is front and center in our personal lives. He is good. And he will not win.

Every day I get a choice and you do to.
What will you choose?

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. — John 3:17

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. — Jeremiah 29:12-13

Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. — Romans 5:2-5

The Plot

"I just love this family so much."

This is it.

Maybe it's the comment she made, maybe it's my birthday, maybe it's my head thinking entirely too much lately, or maybe it's truth.

This time, right now, is "life". This is what we'll be holding on to when the kids have grown and left. The walls of our homes filled with memories of laughter and tears. Of memories. Of hopes and dreams.

I realize that right now, at this moment, I am living the best times of my life. I am living what I dreamed about during the "introduction" of my life (my childhood).

Of course I don't think that once the children leave and B and I are left hanging out on the front porch that my life will end. It will be beautiful and fruitful, I am sure... but it will be different. The conclusion. I plan to make it a jammed packed one, but again - it will be the conclusion.

And so as I sit in the "plot" of my life. As I walk through the reoccurring themes of children, activities, carpool, house projects and the never ending bills, I am filled with peace.

When my children state that they love our family, I know this plot is a treasured one.

Summer 2014

Summer break is over in 14 days.
14 days, folks!

Summer has never gone by this quickly.
It's been a wonderful summer. I have taxied more this summer than any other and at times it was ridiculous and exhausting but it's been completely wonderful and worth it (it always is when your kiddos are invovled, isn't it?!).

This summer our family:

• went to Canada for 2 weeks
• fishing
• hiking
• visited with family
• standup paddling
• swimming in Lake Superior
• picking eggs from the chicken coup
• attended 4 church camps (3 kids, 4 camps - lots of more activities/experiences there!)
• attended 2 sports camps (2 kids, 2 camps)
• attended numerous baseball game (2 kids, lots and lots of games!)
• participated/volunteered at VBS
• picnicked at the lake near our house
• hit the pool (numerous times)
• went bike riding
• ate a lot of ice cream
• played Legos
• took evening walks
• played on the slip and slide for hours
• made icees
• attended our church's backyard bash
• zip lining
• checked out a KC T-Bones game
• built a "club house" outside (thank you Pinterest!)
• went to see a Demolition Derby (the boys)

And that list doesn't include what the kids did with their other parents!!
We are blessed.
They are spoiled.

Summer 2014, you were memorable and beautiful. Now on to shoe shopping, backpack filling, and hair trimming.

Muah!

Broken.

I have been surrounded these last few months by broken women.
Truly broken.

I pray as I listen to their words.

Hopeless. Fearful. Angry.
Broken.

Each time I hear the voice. Quiet and distant.
Jesus.

They need Jesus.

I know it but my words stumble out and I can't seem to say it in a way that it sinks in deep and lingers.

It's not about memorizing scripture. It's not about reading the right books. It's not even about doing all the "right" things.

It's about Him.
Finding Him. Breathing Him in. Sitting with Him. Accepting Him.

How do you say that in a way that someone who doesn't know Him can truly grasp it?
Praying.

You Served

You went to camp as a volunteer to be with your brother to provide comfort should he become homesick.

You.

Your heart amazes me.

You scrubbed toilets and dishes and took out trash. From what others have told me - you were a rockstar volunteer. You didn't whine or ever say no. You just did.

You served. You sweat. You loved.

I can't say that I was completely surprised, but as a momma... it was nice to hear.

Thank you, for growing and sharing and being for others the way Christ did for us.
I love you, Peanut. You rocked it!

My babies

I watch you sleep and I find my throat tightening up.
Both of you.

I don't remember the last day I rocked you to sleep. How it felt. How long I stayed with you.
I don't remember what day exactly you stopped nursing and co-sleeping. Your little bodies trying to get as close to me as possible.
I don't remember your little baby smell.
I don't remember what day you took your first step.
I don't remember how many diapers I changed every day.

As much as others told me I would miss this.... I believed them but I didn't realize just how much.

And now you're growing more and more every day.
When did you get so big?

Your feet don't fit in the palm of my hand anymore.
Your heads get closer and closer to mine.
We talk big talks.
We snuggle before bed.
We laugh together and... at times we cry together.

A lot of things change over time...
But one thing is for sure.

You are and will always be my babies.

3rd Anniversary

We celebrated our 3rd anniversary a few days ago.

3 years.
I'm blown away by how quickly time is passing us by.

Remember this.

The way we roll...

 

 You call me on my crap, I call you on yours. It's a great deal.

 Our foundation is in Him.

You own my heart. You make me feel alive and grounded.
I love you more (and I always will), B.

In Heaven with You

I want you to go to heaven.
I want us to hang out. To worship together. To live together with Him.
I want to be with you, always.

I say this to you because I love you. Very much.
You might not believe me and you might not love me. I get that. Lots of history and junk... but I do. I love you so very much and I want... no I need you to be saved.

For them.
For me.
For all of us.

I don't know where you are when it comes to Him. I have no idea if you know Him... or just know of Him.

So I pray.

Because you are a part of my life. Despite our differences and history. Despite agreeing to disagree... or just plain old disagreeing... I want us together in heaven.

I need you to turn to Him.
You need Jesus.
every.
single.
day.

We all need Jesus.

Will you accept Him.
Will you let me worship with you.
Will you let me be a part of your walk towards Him?

I am coward. I pray to be more bold. To be more straigthforward but when I see you, I crumble because relationships are complicated.

I think you think I'm a complete Jesus Freak.
You are right.

So maybe that freaks you out. Or you think I've gone off the deep end.
And I have.
And I want you to join me.

I don't know how to say it. The words escape me.

It's simple.
John 3:16

Love,
me

Up North

We've been back for a little over a week now and life has picked up right where we left it.
Sports, church, work, family... well... life.

I absolutely love our little family life. I love the chaos and the silly moments and the not so great stuff. Sometimes though, it's nice to get away and connect in a different way.

So we loaded up the car (loaded to the max!) and we headed north... way north.
We went back home... my home.

I can't tell you how absolutely peaceful it feels to be there. For me, that's my sanctuary.
Hiking, stand up paddling, beach time, fishing... oh, it's home alright.

It was nice to let go of the routine and schedules and fall into an easier pace.
There's nothing grand about my little hometown. It's quaint and simple.
But there is something grand about being surrounded by God's creation.

Trees, birds, lakes... family.

My family is like most - we're all a little off and we all love each other like crazy.
To be with them is to relive a little bit of my childhood again. They know the ins and outs of the parts of my life that made me... well, me! It's fun to listen to them and laugh with them over stories of the past all the while creating stories to tell in the future.

Home.

I asked the kids if they'd ever take their kids there and they said they would.
I sure hope they do. I hope they feel the deep roots of their French Canadian family and that they find the same kind of peace I do when I head up there.

Monkey Growth

I am enjoying you very much.

You are in this phase of growth where I see some glimpses of maturity, understanding, and patience... then there are times when it's back to the stomping, yelling, and slamming doors (which you've been trained to slowly close (correctly) 3 times for every 1 door slammed).

You make me laugh with your silly sense of humor.
You make up stories none of us can follow.
You love, love. love to snuggle with me.
You get excited about everything.
You like a plan... and the plan must be followed (hello, Type A).

You state things and follow it up with "Am I right, Mom?"
It really wouldn't matter what you say at this point because it's so stinkin' cute, I'd agree to just about anything.

You are getting to be so very independent.
You are going to leave on a church trip with your brother in a couple of weeks. It's overnight. OVERNIGHT.
I don't know who will have a harder time... me or you.

I'm learning that your love languages are time and touch. I'm working on providing you bunches of both.

I love you, Monkey.

Checking Out

I am slowly checking out... getting ready to check out.

2 weeks away.
Away from the busy.
Away from the schedules.
Away from the routine.
Away from the work.
Away from the chaos.
Away.

Checking out of reality and into a little piece of bliss.
I'm going home.

The same home where I grew up. The place where the spots where the floors creak are forever etched in my mind. The rooms where memories took place. The town where I created deep roots and deeper friendships.

This place. It's where I can breath. It's where I find my center. It's where I re-learn the lessons I've forgotten during my time away.

I am a small town girl.
I love the earth, the simple, the green and the beach...

Life List (update)!

I was chatting with a girlfriend after dinner the other night... we talked about goals and dreams and fears. I felt it was a great time to review my Life List and see how it was going... I posted this over 3 years ago. I realized I had a few things to scratch off!

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark Twain

Here are 62 things I'd like to do in my lifetime. Goofy, serious, or just plain crazy - it's my life and I only get to live it once.

1. Swim with dolphins
2. Visit every State (USA)...
3. ...and Province (Canada)
4. Spend some time under the Tuscan sun
5. Rock my grandchildren to sleep
6. Own a forever home
7. Scuba dive
8. Spend an entire summer in Wawa
9. Go to Disney World with the kiddos
10. Take a cruise
11. Create life
12. Throw a giant just-because party for my friends and family
13. Own an elephant's painting
14. Take a dance class
15. Take a "girlfriends only" trip
16. Get paid to do what I love
17. Refinish a piece of furniture
18. Make someone's dream come true
19. Experience Mardi Gras in New Orleans
20. Be able to see my abs
21. Take a photography class
22. Anonymously pay for some one's groceries
23. Witness a birth
24. Make pasta from scratch
25. Make and can jam
26. Teach my children to be Godly people
27. Fly my nephews here for an entire summer
28. Write a book
29. See a Broadway show
30. Have my favorite scriptures memorized
31. Attend a Country Living Antique Fair
32. Grow/maintain a vegetable garden
33. Spend 3 months doing missionary work abroad
34. Lead someone to Christ
35. Lead a "green" life
36. Take one shopping trip that mimics the people from "Extreme Couponing"
37. See a professional ballet performance
38. Learn to surf
39. Visit the holy land
40. Climb an active volcano
41. Ride in a hot air balloon
42. Inspire someone
43. Visit the Grand Canyon
44. Learn to make pottery
45. Get a college degree
46. Build a Habitat for Humanity Home
47. Be an extra in a movie
48. Consistently send birthday cards to my loved ones + on time
49. Skinny dip in an ocean
50. Ride on a sail boat
51. See Bon Jovi in concert
52. Understand politics
53. Do a somersault on a trampoline
54. Love to wear swimsuits
55. Have an office/craft room
56. Run a half marathon
57. Go on an African safari
58. Write an article for a magazine
59. Retire comfortably
60. Live as a vegetarian for 1 month
61. Speak at a Christian women's event
62. Do the rip cord at an amusement park

Perception

There's what I think of me and what you think of me.
My perception. Your perception.

I like to think that mine is correct but there are times I truly hope I'm wrong.

I'm not sure if it's a coincidence or if I'm just taking more time to truly listen but I've heard from a few people on how they see me. Not that I've asked them point blank (heaven knows it would bring me to tears if everyone was straight up crazy honest), but in passing. Words. Thoughts.

It makes me wonder how the rest of my acquaintances, friends, family see me... Am I ok with their perception? Do I think it's accurate? And if it's not... how have my actions and words influenced that perception?

Keep Making Me

You know that one song that you listen to over and over again and when it comes on the radio, you turn up the music as loud as you can and sing with all your might? Well... my current favorite is Keep Making Me by the Sidewalk Prophets.

Make me broken
So I can be healed
'Cause I'm so calloused
And now I can't feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
'Cause I'm still holding
Onto my will
And I'm completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
'Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
'Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

I love this song. I love the words, I love the meaning and I love what it does to my heart.
And it scares the crap out of me.

To grow in Him, I have to be broken and that is not a fun place to be. But that's what I'm asking when I sing/worship. I want to be closer to Him and I need to be struggling to turn around and look frantically for my Father. I do. I'm so imperfect and human...

I asked myself the other day if I truly meant it. Do I want to be broken?
I have been broken before... a few times. And it was ugly.
Do I want to be stripped of me? My securities, the things that make me, me?
It's scary. It's not fun. Growing pains, feelings of inadequacy and... hope, love, comfort. Him.

Do I want to be broken?
Yes.
I want more. More for me, more for my relationship with Him. More for my family. I want to be broken so that I can be whole. And so I pray for this. That the world breaks me so He can heal me. So that He truly is my one and only desire.

Lord, please keep making me.

Momma(s)

50 years ago, my mom lost her mom.

My grandmother was my age when she died. She left 6 kids behind – 13 to 1, my mom was 12.

My mom was sent to a boarding school with her two other sisters. The boys stayed home and my grandpa, an entrepreneur, hired a nanny. Three years later, he married the nanny – my Mimi.

I love my Mimi and my mom loves her stepmom too. She’s a sweet lady who has had her shares of trials. She’s got a tender heart and she gives the sweetest hugs and is one of the least judgmental people I know. There are lots and lots of kind and tender things about her. She loves the Lord, she is funny, she is comfortable with who she is, and she loved my grandpa with her whole self. I love her to no end. She’s the only grandma I know (my dad’s mom passed away when he was 12 too) and I wouldn’t change a thing. In the end though, she knows and my mom knows, she’s the “stepmom” and it’s just not the same.

My mom and I talked about this last week. About her fear of offending my Mimi because my momma misses her momma. She always has and always will. 

She was cautious, almost unsure of her words when talking about her feelings. I tried my best to put her mind and heart at ease. 

Mom - I get it. Mimi is not your momma. 

She's your stepmom. 

She loves you like crazy. She would fight big bad ugly mean guys for you. She prays for you. She loves you for who you are. She is one of your biggest fans. She has seen you at your worst and at your best. Her heart break when yours breaks. She's an encourager, a listener, a defender, a friend, a guide, a piece of your heart...

... But she isn't your mom. 

I know this because I am a stepmom. It's one of the most challenging and lovely jobs I have ever had the pleasure of doing. But it's clear what I am and what I am not. 

And Mimi knows that too. 

And from the perspective of this stepmom...

She knows where your heart belongs, right where it should. 

With your momma. 

Memories

Flipping through all four albums of your first year of life I comment on when you got your first tooth... How old you were when you took your first step... Your favorite food... How you didn't like to be very far from me, ever. 

You comment about how cool it is that I remember everything. I smile. 

I don't, you know... Remember everything. 

I don't remember the last time I rocked you to sleep. 

I don't remember the last time I gave you a bottle. 

I don't remember the last day you had a pacifier... Or the last day you cried when I left the room... Or when I stopped lathering you up with lotion after a bath. 

I don't remember those lasts and I wish I could. 

You commented how you wished we could go back to those times... There are times... Lots of them, that I too wish the same. 

You wonder if you will take your child to tumbling like we did with you... Or take your child to a parent and tot swimming class... Or if you'll rock your baby to sleep every single night for the first year (and then some)!

You will. 

I know this because when I ask if you want to go through those four albums with me, you don't hesitate. 

You still love snuggling with me. You cherish the time alone we seldom get. You whisper that you still want to be with me all the time. 

There isn't a doubt in my mind that you will do all those things we did and do with you, because your heart is ready wired that way. 

Thank you, my Peanut, for making me a mom. It has and continues to be such an honor. 

Parenting

Parenting is hard folks.
I mean really hard.

Your parents told you when you were a kid. You think it's bologna... cause at the time, being a kid is hard.
So what I'm saying here is that life is hard.

It's not hard because we have rotten kids. No.
It's hard because they aren't rotten.

Because they love and they hurt and they make mistakes and they are victorious.
Because they are sarcastic and witty and funny and super crazy smart.
Because they are humans with personalities and thoughts and strong convictions.
Because they know what is right and what is wrong and they are shaken regardless of where the pain comes from.
Because we are not perfect and imperfection correcting imperfection is ridiculously counterproductive.

It's hard because B and I have our own ideas of how things should go and God has his own... and therein lies the solution.

Parenting is hard. Falling into Him is easy. And so we move forward, together. We fight the battles and love on them, together, the three of us. We cry when they stumble and we shout with joy when they succeed.

So there you have it. Parenting is hard. It's a good thing we aren't doing it alone.

Invincible

We feel it.

Strength. 

Youthful. 

Energetic. 

We don't feel it. 

Weakness.

Time passing. 

Sickness. 

We are invincible. 

We are young. Or are we?

We don't see it coming until the sparkles become white and the lines become deep. 

When does it happen? A moment? A process? When does youth turn to maturity? When do our bodies betray us and let gravity do more than keep us grounded? When do things clog and thicken? 

Aging. 

We are invincible. 

Until... We are not. 

Middle School

Middle school hasn't been our favorite, huh?

And no middle schooler wants to hear "when I was your age"... so I won't.
I'll tell you that...

it will get easier.
you will find your stride.
confidence is building, it just takes time.
people change and change and change some more.
this is a learning time.
God allows for us to experience things in order to grow for and in Him.

You are such a good kid. You are wise and smart and handsome and sweet.
You are growing and learning and loving.

This is your time. This is your life. This is yours.
What will you make of it? What will you allow? What boundaries will you set? What values will you adopt?
I can hardly wait to see what the next 12 years bring... but not too fast.

My heart

You leave me sweet words in different places.
You kiss me good night. Always.
You get a kick out of my ridiculously messy hairspray filled night time hair.
You rub my back as I'm falling asleep.
You compliment me privately and publicly.
You give me space when I need it.
You hold me tight when I don't.
You love my complexity (moody, happy, crazy...).

You encourage them.
You listen to them.
You support them.
You love on them.
You take time for them.

You are honest.
You have integrity.
You work hard.
You help.
You are a constant "learner" of the world.
You are simple.
You are... sometimes complicated.
You are flexible.

You are so much to so many.
You are my constant. My silver lining. My best friend.

I love you, B.

Testimony

I grew up in a Catholic home. We went to church every Sunday. I completed all my sacraments and I knew some stories about Jesus. I knew He died for my sins… and I knew God was always watching me. Always.

I went to confession. I was a good girl. I made good choices. I obeyed.

Then I reached high school.

I pushed the envelope a bit. I went to confession. I was a good girl. I made good choices. I obeyed.

Then I met a boy.

I rebelled. I was in love. I moved to another country and married a few months before my 19th birthday. But… I still made good choices. I married in a church. I continued to attend weekly services. I went to confession. I was a good girl. I obeyed.

Then I was invited to another church. A Christian church.

My first impression? Weird. I didn’t want to like it.

They were passionate for Jesus. They sang songs that fluttered my heart. They spoke words that made me think. Question. Cry. And I wanted to go back. But... I was a good girl... I obeyed.

I was raised to be strong and confident and educated in whatever choices I made. And so I asked. I learned and the more I did, the more I thirsted for more knowledge… more understanding.

I prayed and cried for months knowing that my decision would anger and confuse my family. I prayed. I told them before I made my decision official. And they were angry and confused because they too, had only known Catholicism. Because like me, it was/is their culture and now, I was making a decision to break away from a part of my culture.
It was bumpy for a while. We didn’t talk about “it” much. I continued to pray. I was patient. They were patient. And we talked a little… and a little more.

That was nearly 12 years ago.

I gave my life to Jesus Christ; I made Him the Lord of my life. I was a good girl. I made good choices. I obeyed.

But it’s not until about 5 years ago when I found myself on my kitchen floor crying out to Him that I truly understood my utter dependence on His everything.

I broke. I broke hard. It was ugly and dirty. We live in a sin filled world and Satan knows exactly what to do to break us. And what Satan intended for bad, He used it for good. It was during my time on the kitchen floor that I realized that in this life, it’s just me and Him. That’s it. Everyone else is just like me. Selfish, sin filled, broken. They can’t be my rock. I realized that I needed The Rock. I needed to stop obeying and start loving with my heart not my head.

A few weeks after my “come to Jesus moment”, my sweet little Peanut asked me why I was “acting like that”. And I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about. I probed and asked a little more and finally he said “You just seem to be more calm and talking about Jesus more.”

Huh. And that was it.

I was calmer. The next few months were filled with transitions and crazy money impossibilities and drama I could never imagine but still… through it… I was calm.

I broke down many times but each time I knew who held me. I knew where I stood and who’s I was.

And that is when I realized that He truly does have plans for good for me, not to harm me but to bring me hope and a future. I realized that God cares far less about my actions and a great deal more about my heart.

You see - He wants my actions to be led by my heart... not my heart by my actions.

I could continue to be a good girl and obey the rules because that’s what I knew He wanted or… I could turn my heart over to Him and live with abandon in His arms and the rest of the stuff… the obedience, the good, the head – it would all fall into place.

Generational Sins

We like to brag on our kids and compare them to us -

She has my sense of humor!

He has my smarts!

He gets his physical ability from his dad. 

But we rarely (if ever) hear -

He struggles with pride like me. 

He's an alcoholic like me. 

She is insecure like me. 

Why? Because it's ugly and dark and who in the world wants to pass that crap on to their kids?

But we do. 

So let's be real. 

We produce sinful children because we ourselves are sinful. 

B asked me last night how we were ever going to help our kids be these thriving, amazingly helpful, love filled adults. I gave him my heart answer "We show them. We love. We communicate. We feel and allow to share feelings. We are their example."  But again he asked, needing more. And so I replied "We pray. We love. We save for therapy because God knows we'll mess them up!"

We are not perfect. We have perfect intentions in a very sin filled body. We project our sins to humanity. We are sinners, saved by grace and only grace. 

So pray, love, be real and hold on. 

We are going to mess them up. We are going to pass on our sin. But we pray and do better every day so that they can see and learn from our sins and that with them... They will stop. 

2 years

It has been 2 years since I last saw him. 2 years of listening to a voice over the telephone. 2 years of praying that the cancer is really gone and I'll once again be able to hang on his neck and dance in the kitchen with him. 2 years of anxiety filled conversations about his recent trip to the ER. 2 years of aging. 

This man I have loved for 33 years. This man who has owned my heart longer than any other. This man who I call "Dad". 

A forever home

Having a blended family is not what I thought it would be.

 In fact, I never really thought much of it because I truly believed in marriage forever. (I still do.) 

 But here I am... in a blended family. 

 Do you ever wonder what it's like to be a big part of a child's life that isn't your flesh and blood? It's indescribable. It's wild. It's ridiculously crazy fun. And it's super emotional. 

Maybe it's her. Maybe it's me. 

I like to think it's both of us. 

The very first day I met her, she didn't talk much. She was busy worrying about the possibility of an evil stepmother. I was busy worrying she wouldn't like me. 

But then... we pretty much fell in love with each other and I can't imagine my life without her in it. 

 So here we are. 3 years later... she's a part of me. 

She quickly found her way to my heart... and then she dug in there and made herself a perfectly sweet home. A forever home.

Brokenness

I just finished reading a book about how as we grow as Christians we tend to hide all of our imperfections and new Christians don't do that. They, oddly enough, get what being a Christian is truly about. 

Forgiveness, new life in Him, hope, love...

I don't know when or why it happens but overtime we assume perfection. Not that we are, we just assume it. 

I am trying my best not to be like that. 

I am a complete and total mess and I'm glad because without it, I wouldn't cling so much to Him. 

Maybe that's why I share my stories so freely. Why I'm against secrets. Why I love transparency and realness. Why I ask you a lot of questions. Why I love to learn about other people's stories. Why talking feelings isn't something I do, it's who I am. 

I want to know. I want to share. I want to love your brokenness because He loves mine. 

Every single time

Whether I am in the front, praying with people, or standing in worship watching people pray together. 

I stand in awe of His great power... of their faith... of our church family living it out. 

I stand and sing. My eyes closed and moist, my heart full. 

He is my rock and watching others pray to Him, their rock, it's breathtaking. 

Every time, my heart overflows with love. 

Every single time. 

Excuses, excuses

I don't get it. 

I don't understand why you wouldn't want to go. 

Why you wouldn't want to go every week... At a minimum. 

Why you wouldn't want to be a part of it. 

Why you come up with a bajilion crack pot reasons why you can't or won't. 

Why won't you go to church?

Why won't you come a hang out with other totally messed up people and worship Him?

Don't you know how simply amazing it is to be a part of a Biblical community? Don't you know that you are missing out on something bigger than you? 

Don't you know that your excuses are just that... Excuses? 

Don't you know that your children are watching.. and they pay attention to your actions way more than they listen to your words?

Maybe you don't get it because you've never felt accepted before. Because you've never let others help you. Because you've never truly surrendered yourself. Because you have other gods and they take up a lot of your time. 

I want you to know something about my church family. When my little world fell apart, they picked up the pieces. When I couldn't do for myself, they did for me. When life was more than I could handle, they handled it for me. They were the hands and feet of Jesus. 

I have been on the receiving and the giving end and either side is a good side. My church is what God intends for "church" to be... A community of believers living the Word together. 

Doesn't that sound like what you have been searching? Go. 

Not a Fan

I recently finished reading "Not a Fan" by Kyle Idleman. 

Let me be honest... I pretty much am a Fiction book lover. It's not to say that I don't read self awareness books. 

You want to know about living with a spouse with ADD?  I'm your girl. 

You want to know about how to handle life through and after infidelity? Let's chat. 

You want to know about strong willed kids? Get the hot cocoa ready. 

But really.. I don't like them. I avoid them. I read about three a year and that's because I force myself. Self awareness books - aka: self help books can be super helpful, but so boooooring. 

That is until I read this book. 

Hello world!!!

It was funny, engaging, and thought provoking. I was hooked. I read snippets to B where I was laughing aloud - I think he had additional confirmation to my zaniness. :)

It confirmed what I knew but didn't want to say aloud - I have a long road on this walk with Him. It helped me to map out a way to make better choices based on where I want to be and what I should avoid. Practical, real, honest. 

I took lots of notes but one that stood out to me defined what I want my relationship with Chridt to be:

Yada: to know completely and to be completely known. 

I want to yada Him. I want to be one with Him and to do that, I need to be purposeful. Every day. In all things. 

The never ending battle

It's the one that never ends. The one I will never get right. The ongoing struggle... 

I am either a rocking mom or a rocking employee. But both... at once? Nope. 

I can juggle. I can swing things. I can make it look fairly easy. But in the end, one is sacrficied for the other. 

It's tiring and frustrating but it's in His arms I find refuge (and... Diet Coke). 

There are days the thought of being a stay-at-home mom never leave my mind but other days when the thought of leaving a job I absolutely love sounds crazy (and not feasible!). 

And so the battle rages on and I hang on to His grace and patience and love cause more often than not, the road gets bumpy and things get half done and I fall asleep far too early and get up even earlier to be able to jump in it once again. 

That's it isn't it? 

Motherhood. 

A series of trips, juggles, and stumbles... And lots of kiddo grace!

We walk it to share it

I’m in a different place now then I was 15 years ago. A very different place.

I understand that as a parent, my mom did everything (and continues) because she loves me with her whole heart and soul. She’s my mom.

And she’s not perfect.

So when I was 18 and decided that moving to Kansas City to be with my new fiancé that I’d met online was the best idea EVER, she was none too happy. I understood then why she wasn’t happy. I understood why she wasn’t speaking to me. I understood that the last two months of my stay at home were going to be unbearable. I got that. I understood why she said the things she did. I understood why she chose to ignore me. I understood all of it.

But it still didn’t feel good.

My choices, her words, our actions… they didn’t mesh well and they created some tumultuous first few years of this “new” life I was living with my husband in a foreign country. We struggled to find a new normal to our once very close relationship.

It’s taken years.

And I’m glad to say things are good. And fine. And I still get it. And I’ve learned from it.
In my eyes, it wasn’t ok for her to say those things to me, but I still very much get it. Because I’m an adult. And I’ve worked through it.

So when we were driving the other night and I was telling A about this time in my life that wasn’t so fab… I told her about a comment my mom made and how it made me feel.

It clicked. I wasn’t trying to have a teaching moment, but it ended up that way.
I walked that trial, I learned my lesson, I healed, and I love my mom now more than I did then… and that happened so that this moment could take place.

So I said something I continually tell myself and believe as truth.

“Our choices might not be what others expect or want but in the end, they are responsible for their feelings and words, it’s not ours to carry.”

And we moved on.

Be kind. Be thoughtful. Be respectful. But do not carry something that isn’t yours to carry.

My trial turned into a lesson.

And the dust settles

After months of emotional roller coasters, the dust is settling… What is left are a lot broken hearts and wounded feelings on both sides.

Would we do it again? Absolutely.

Would we do it differently? You betcha.

But now it’s over and we pick up the pieces and rebuild with what’s left.

We’re all going to be adjusting.
We’re all going to have to be real about growing up and letting go.
We’re all going to have to be honest about things, even if it’s not comfortable.
We’re all going to do what we need to do for her.

It’s over. Something new is beginning. We get to decide what it looks like.

To know and believe

My sweet Peanut,

Our family is busy and crazy and sometimes my words are choppy because our days are non-stop, but there are things I want you to know, things I want you to believe. I read this and it was like someone read my heart. I want to share it with you:

You don’t have to fit in. The world expects you to act a certain way. Culture demands it. But it’s okay to be a square peg in a round hole, to look different, be yourself. It’s alright to chart your course to God’s plan, even when others might not understand it. Yes, you might feel odd or weird chasing it, but that’s okay, most world changers do.

You don’t have to give in. You already know about the pressure–to talk or dress a certain way, to disrespect adults or girls, to be like those that do. But you possess the strength and character to walk away, the Christ living in you will help you stand. You don’t have to give in. But if you do…

You get second chances and third and fourth… You can start again. Every sunrise is a second chance to get it right, to say no, to say I’m sorry, to ask forgiveness, to make a new start. I want you to know that this is what God is about. He wants to give you as many chances as it takes, just don’t every stop taking them.

You don’t have to be tough (all the time). Boys are supposed to be rough and tough. Maybe you’ve heard that “real men don’t cry” and always wear a stiff upper lip. But I want you to know real men are tender, they care about others, and root for the underdog. They rush to open the door for elderly women and use their manners. They cry over poverty and when they grow up, they tuck their babies into bed.

You don’t need a girl (yet). Girls. They are everywhere and their influence can be intoxicating, you’ll discover that soon enough. I can’t wait to see the girl God brings into your life and I already pray for her. Become friends with Godly girls, but don’t be in a hurry to make them a girlfriend. That time will come, enjoy today.

You make me proud. If you didn’t do another thing, win another award, get another A, or an E in conduct, I want you to know I’m proud of the young man you’ve become. I love the way you love your brother and sister (most days). I love the way you are a good friend and listener to others. I love the way you give generously. I am proud of you, Reece.

You are a success if you love God and others. I don’t know what you will be when you grow up. I think an engineer or a millionaire, possibly a missionary pilot or an artist. The sky is your limit and it’s your choice. But no matter what you accomplish or don’t, in my eyes, you’re successful if you love God first and others second. Always remember this is true success.

You have great men in your life. God has given you amazing men to shadow. They surround you at home and at church. They love God and their families more than themselves and if you aren’t sure where to step next, look for their footprints.

You can always come home. No matter what happens in this life, what you do or don’t do, you always have a place with us. We might make you want to leave with our rules or ask you to because of your actions, but we won’t stop you from coming home.

You are loved. No matter how long those legs grow or how high I have to look up to you, you will always be mine. I can still wipe your tears and listen to your heart. I can still ground you and make you say you’re sorry (hopefully). No matter what you do or what happens in this life, you are mine and nothing can change that. If you never hear another word I say or choose not to listen, you must believe that you are loved deeply by your parents. But even more than we love you, you are loved by a God who sent His son for you. Don’t ever doubt it. Believe it. This life might bring great joy or sorrow, great wealth or loss, but you can make it because you have love. Make sure you give it away. It’s the best way to receive it.

Peanut, you are my baby. No matter how big and independent you get. You are His, you are mine, you are perfect.

I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
Je t’aime,
Je t’aime,
Je t’aime.

Mom
xo

We don't do secrets

When I was pregnant with my Peanut, I worked with a gentleman who was a foster parent (Godly man, great all around guy). He and his wife took in children with special needs; physical, mental, etc...

I am not sure how we got on this subject but he said that as he took this classes for foster care, one thing really stuck out for him. He said that the teacher said that we, as parents, should discourage secrets. Always.

He explained to me that secrets harbor shame or badness. Secrets are what people (adults or other kids) tell kids to keep, when they know what they are doing is wrong. Secrets are never a healthy thing to hold.

But of course there are fun things that need to be kept on the down low for a short time (birthday gifts, parties, etc) So in those circumstances we ask our kids to keep it a "surprise" instead - because surprises mean that others will find out and they are fun, exciting things.

Surprises are good, secrets are bad.

And that's how I've spent the last 12.5 years of parenting...

In our home, we don't do secrets. In our home, we talk about anything and everything. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the awkward (and the really, really awkward).

It's been an interesting past few years because as the kids get older, they ask a lot more questions, they share more about their friends, they want to know about things that sometimes I get uncomfortable about (and it takes a lot for the kids to make me squirm!).

It's not to say that we tell our kids every.single.thing about what is going on in our own lives. If they have a more "grown up" question, either we answer, or we tell them it's a question we can answer when they are 25 (or in a couple of years or whatever). So no, we aren't going to keep a secret from them, but there are things their little heads and hearts are not ready to process.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately... I will always be so grateful to Tony for sharing with me this parenting tip.

Your Word is Your Word

You know we all have "mom-isms" - things we as moms say over and over again.

I have a few...
"The world puts us down, we need to build each other up." (1 Thess 5:11)
"Let your yes be yes, and your no be no." (Matt 5:37)
"Your word is your word... it's all you've got." (1 John 2:5)

Of course I have plenty of others but those are probably my top three. Of course all three bring forth eye rolls. It's pretty awesome.

I know for now they think I'm pretty lame for saying those things. I get it, I was once their age (mom-ism?!).

But I'm growing adults, not kids and growing adults means teaching them values and one of the ones at the very top of my list is integrity.

Your word is all you have in this world. Actions aren't worth much... at all.
What you say, how you say it, when you say it, to whom you say it. That's it.

Hurting words, lies, angry words, name calling... and the list goes on... those words, they hurt. They cause scars that can never go away. Ever. You can apologize, you can say you won't do it again and maybe you won't... but in the end, the damage has already been done. We have an awesome God of forgiveness and we pray that those from whom we need forgiveness will find it in their hearts to do just that, but we know that those scars will remain.

I say these things to my children because it's important to me that they know that they make a difference in the lives of so many. That they have a responsibility to this world, to this society, to God, to be truthful and to use the great power of words for the good of His kingdom.

I say these things to my children because when I use those words, it's a reminder to myself how powerful and influencial are my own words.

O be careful little mouth what you say
O be careful little mouth what you say
There's a Father up above
And He's looking down in love
So, be careful little mouth what you say

Why I blog

This blog started years ago when I was in therapy.

My therapist said I needed a place to journal my feelings and thoughts without continually falling into the blame game (blaming myself for the destruction of pretty much everything – I’m very good at it). And this blog is my way of finding peace in all situations… a way to capture my life, my feelings, the “junk” I’m working through. And after years, I realize I want to have something to look at when I’m old and gray and say “Yes, I see the Lord very clearly in my life and I have grown in Him and with Him.”

Sometimes I blog about silly things, sometimes it’s more deep. At first it was a lot about my divorce because let’s face it, it was all consuming. But as I read through past blogs, the goal of my blog is actually coming to fruition. I see my ups and downs through the posts. I see where my heart was at the time. I see the yucky and I see the good.

If you read this blog, I hope you see it too because it’s a very personal opening into my heart. This blog was never meant as something public, I don’t publicize it, but obviously I can tell that people read it. I’ve heard from a couple who said they could identify and found themselves thinking of their own lives differently because of some of the posts. That’s pretty stinking awesome.

It’s a very rare day when I don’t ask the Lord to help me to be the salt and the light in this world.

You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father. – Matthew 5:13-16

And I fail. A lot. I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. But I am trying to do good. I am trying to be less like me and a whole lot more like Him.

If you know me, if you know my heart… well you know that my blog posts aren’t about hurting, they are about learning and finding joy in the now, in Him.

Loving the imperfect

I love being home. I love my home. I love the people who live in it, who visit it, who roam around it.

I am a homebody. You wouldn’t know it since we’re always whizzing here or there, but when I’m home… I love it. There are weekends I crave to be home. So I do. I stay. I love putzing around it… cleaning it, organizing it, painting it, dreaming about it.

I’d have to say, my home and I… we have quite the love affair.

Is it perfect? Nope.

I can list out the dozens of things I’d like fixed… but I love it and accept it just as it is, because it’s ours. It is our tremendously awesome blessing from the Lord.

Boy do I wish I could do the same with people.

Just love them regardless of their sin because they are “mine”, a blessing from the Lord in my life.
It takes work, doesn’t it?

With family, it’s different. We’re all a bunch of crazies living together wading through life together. But with others… yowzers.
God put so many different people in my life and that makes them all “mine”. They are my people because they are His people.
So why is it so hard to look past those imperfections at times? Especially when those imperfections are the things that God wants you to love them through?

God doesn’t ask us to love our situation when it’s perfect. He doesn’t ask us to love people when they are perfect. He asks us to love them now. Just the way they are. All messed up and broken.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. – John 13:34

Cause that’s how He loves me and my imperfect self.

Battles

Hey you...

Your struggle. You are in the midst of the battle. You want it to end. At times it seems too much. You feel helpless and lonely.

You aren't. You will overcome. He promises it.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. - John 16:33 ESV

I know it doesn't feel that way now... maybe it hasn't in months or years. I can't say that I understand your struggle. I wish I could. But then you don't understand mine either.

We're all carefully treading this world. Forever being swayed this way and that one. Two forces pulling for our souls. Who will win?

The fight is sometimes unbearable. Unending.
It will. You have to know that. You have to believe that. Trust Him. Always.