We walk it to share it

I’m in a different place now then I was 15 years ago. A very different place.

I understand that as a parent, my mom did everything (and continues) because she loves me with her whole heart and soul. She’s my mom.

And she’s not perfect.

So when I was 18 and decided that moving to Kansas City to be with my new fiancé that I’d met online was the best idea EVER, she was none too happy. I understood then why she wasn’t happy. I understood why she wasn’t speaking to me. I understood that the last two months of my stay at home were going to be unbearable. I got that. I understood why she said the things she did. I understood why she chose to ignore me. I understood all of it.

But it still didn’t feel good.

My choices, her words, our actions… they didn’t mesh well and they created some tumultuous first few years of this “new” life I was living with my husband in a foreign country. We struggled to find a new normal to our once very close relationship.

It’s taken years.

And I’m glad to say things are good. And fine. And I still get it. And I’ve learned from it.
In my eyes, it wasn’t ok for her to say those things to me, but I still very much get it. Because I’m an adult. And I’ve worked through it.

So when we were driving the other night and I was telling A about this time in my life that wasn’t so fab… I told her about a comment my mom made and how it made me feel.

It clicked. I wasn’t trying to have a teaching moment, but it ended up that way.
I walked that trial, I learned my lesson, I healed, and I love my mom now more than I did then… and that happened so that this moment could take place.

So I said something I continually tell myself and believe as truth.

“Our choices might not be what others expect or want but in the end, they are responsible for their feelings and words, it’s not ours to carry.”

And we moved on.

Be kind. Be thoughtful. Be respectful. But do not carry something that isn’t yours to carry.

My trial turned into a lesson.