Growing up and biting down

I've been on vacation for the past week. We've been serving others, having friends over and working on home projects. It's been glorious. 

I love Christmas break. 

I have a long to-do list and I'm getting to it but I'm not crazy ridiculous about it. By golly, I think I'm growing. 

2013 has done that for me... Lots of personal growth. During the first half of 2013, I was counting the days till the end of the year because the growth was rough but now... Now, I'm hoping... No praying God continues his accelerated growth in me. He has paired me with a great man for it. B has shown me in this past year how to bite my tongue when I've wanted to fight back. He has shown me emotional strength, and together we have reminded one other on total dependence and reliance on His plan, regardless of our wants. 

Together, we lived 2013 relying on Him and His will. Ready to accept whatever came our way. 

And that's how I'm going to do 2014. Relying on Him, looking to Him for my strength and answers and continuing to bite my tongue (sheesh, that one's hard!). 

44 years of life

And so Monday marked your 44th birthday.

Would you believe me if I told you my heart aches for the years I didn't get to celebrate your birthday with you? It seems strange to me that you've celebrated with others for some years, on your own for others and now with me. We've lived lives without each other and your birthday brings those thoughts to the surface.

44 years on this planet. 44 years of joys and pains. 40 of those years were without me. 40 years of others knowing you before me.

I choose to focus on the now. The you and me. The you more than the me. Your mine. All of you.
For the next 47.5 years (remember, I told you, we're going to celebrate our 50th together)it's you. You. You. You. And if it's anything like the last 4 years... it's going to be good.

In the past 4 years your heart and mind have kept me captivated. Your thoughts, your words (as few as they are at times), your smile, your heart, your smell (delish!), your laugh... it's captivated my heart and soul.

This past year has brought on challenges neither one of us were prepared for, but we did it. We're doing it. It's not been fun, but it's been a growing experience. We see each other in a different light. We rely on one another differently then we ever thought possible.

So yes, others have had you for longer than I... but I think I've got you during the best time. The then, the now, the when.

I love you, B. I love you more than you'll ever know.
me

Surrender

While driving yesterday a song came on the radio that I absolutely love. A Christian song. And for the life of me I can't remember what it was. But it doesn't matter now. 

As I listened to the words, I concentrated on their meaning. I became overwhelmed with a feeling I have had just a few other times in my life. This overwhelming feeling of love... Of God. Words can't describe it. I sobbed. All at once. From nowhere. My throat filled with sobs and my eyes followed with tears. 

As I sobbed I tried to make sense of what was happening and like that... It was gone. 

As I pulled into the Target parking lot, wiping my tears, I wanted that feeling back. I didn't enjoy it. While I was trying to think it through, process it, I didn't take the time to enjoy it. Cherish it. 

I didn't take the time for Him. Instead I was caught up in trying to figure it all. Figure Him out. 

What would it have been like if instead of fighting Him with my head, I would have surrendered to Him? What would it be like if I did that on a daily basis? On a moment by moment basis? If my head took a break and my heart lead my faith?

Connect

You know when you have a date with your husband and you reconnect in all kinds of different ways? Ways you forgot you needed to connect? Because life is taking you through a trial that keeps you on your knees, never really having a chance to catch each other's gaze?

We did it. We connected and boy did it feel good.
Both exhausted and probably wanting a nap more than seafood, we headed out on Friday night.

And.it.was.glorious.

Me and him. My man. My guy. My husband. Him and me.

We laughed and ate and held hands and listened to some great music. We talked about nothing and everything. About the silly and the serious. We were quiet. We walked around. But most of all. We connected.

He's mine. And I'm his. Love. Connect.

A lot

A lot has been going on these past few months. A lot.

So much I've wanted to share but I really couldn't... because my words and thoughts were not working together.

I have a group of women praying for me right now because the truth is, I'm hurting.

Some of the things going on are just plain yucky. Things are being said about B and I that aren't true and they are being said to someone we love very very much. And as much as we try to keep the record straight... it's been REALLY hard not to fight back and say mean things to defend ourselves.

So we don't.

We say nice things about the people saying mean things. We defend them. We pray for them. We try to understand them. And we pray some more.

"If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them." Luke 6:29

That is HARD! I want truth. I crave truth. And it's hard when truth is not being shared. 

That's really all I'm going to say about it. Please pray for me. For us (all of us). Direction, peace, love, and resolution.

12.

This year has been a year of growth for you. Everything seemed like a push to "young adulthood". My mind spins with the moments we've shared this past year that wrecked my heart while building your maturity and growth.

It's been a good year. A big year.

A year where I see God's hand in your life. His plan taking shape.
I see your mind better understanding the world around you. I see your heart learning to love in different ways. I see your soul trying to understand the world beyond this one.

Our conversations are quite interesting(night time chat about insurance and banks loans!), your passions are more pronoucned (football, recycling, child labor laws)... you are becoming intense and grown up. It is unreal.

But then... all at once... it's all very real. I love it. I love the challenging conversations and the sweet moments that I share with you.

Watching you grow is a priviledge. It is a priviledge to be a part of your life. It is a priviledge to be your mom.

You are an incredible young boy and I can't imagine this world without you in it.
You will change this world for the better. You will make a difference.

How do I know this?
Because you already have... mine.

Happy 12th birthday, Peanut.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Je t'aime, Je t'aime, Je t'aime.
Mom
xo

15 years old bonus

You are one of the most mature young ladies I know.
You are a superb athlete.
You are creative and artistic.
You love Jesus. A lot.
You are great with children.
You are competitive.
You are an excellent student.
You love chapstick. :)
You are super smart.
You love to read.
You are adventurous.
You have a heart of gold.

You are 15 years old.

You have been a part of my life for 3 1/2 years. I call you my "bonus daughter" because you are just that. A super duper bonus. An undeserving gift.

15 years old and you are already making a mark on this world.
I'm looking forward to seeing what the next 15 hold for you.

I love you lots and lots,
Renee

On your 7th birthday

Last night we snuggled before you drifted off to sleep and I was thankful for the complete darkness that surrounded us. As I softly played with your blond curls, warm tears ran down my cheeks.

You see... I won't be laying next to another 6 year old boy again. This morning marked your 7th birthday.
7 Years ago we welcomed you into this world.
7 years ago I became a mom to two little boys.
7 years ago you became the baby and your brother the eldest.

You.

I wouldn't change anything about you. You keep us on our toes. You are passionate about everything. Your imagination matches your wild locks of hair. You have a tender heart for those suffering. Your snuggles are never ending. Right now you want to live with me forever. You, me, B and your wife. It'll be pretty cool I think. You say you want me to join you in college. We'll be roomies. You want us to skydive on your 18th birthday. You love baseball. You are still super shy when you are around new people.

You.

I wouldn't change anything about you.

Happy birthday my sweet Monkey boy. Love, Momma

September

It's the tail end of September and I realize I haven't blogged in over a month. Life has been good. Busy. Exhausting. Blessed. We moved into our house at the end of August and it was a hot, hot day. Since then we've been busying ourselves with school, sports, home projects and work. I didn't realize just how much I missed homeownership. I love painting. I love organizing. I love cleaning. Judge, judge, judge away. :) I love it. I love being home. I love having people over. I've been busy nesting. It is good. So good.

The glasses and me

You’d think with my life experiences that I would be a lot less naïve than I am. 

You’d think that, wouldn’t you? 

Oh, but I’m not. 

I don’t really understand why God made me this way (add that to the list of things I need to ask Him when I get to meet Him). I have had some pretty crazy things thrown at me that would make one yank off those rose colored glasses and start eyeing the world with a cynical eye. 

Me… I’m a huge fan of pink glasses. They make things look so… dreamy and perfect. When I wear them, I trust. I forgive easily. I love hard. I live with abandon. 

The thing with wearing those pink glasses is that when they get yanked off, it hurts. Like… a lot. 

And then you see the world, its people… life, in a whole new way. 

Raw. Sinful. Yuck. 

I don’t like it. 

I live with my pink colored glasses That’s me. The real me. Wouldn’t it be cool if we could all wear the pink colored glasses? 

You’d see my heart… you’d see everyone’s heart. And once we saw each other’s hearts, we’d understand each other much more. Because we’d see the scars and the sorrows and we’d understand each other’s intentions. We’d know where the words were coming from… where the thoughts were headed, what everyone was actually trying to do. 

It’s hard for me when they get yanked off. I sit with them off for a while, trying to understand the world around me. I process… and process… and process some more. 

I think about my words, I think about their intent. I think about the confusion swirling my life. I think and think and think. I’ve been thinking for a while now… 

I need to go find those glasses again.

The “They probably…” Game

Do you ever play that game? 

They probably said… 

They probably did… 

They are probably going to… 

It’s a never ending game. 

It’s the most intense, heart wrenching, evil game, the devil encourages us to play. You know it’s him right? 

He wants us to “assume” all this stuff about other people. He doesn’t want us to ask about it. He doesn’t want us to communicate and lay it all out. 

No. 

If we did that… if we communicated our intentions, if our lives were transparent… if we loved and let others love us, if we forgave and moved forward… well… 

Game Over.

The view from you

It's your love of new things. Your wonder and amazement. Your appreciation of these experiences. I see things differently because of you. 

Everything is your favorite. You live life. 

You love life. 

You embrace these experiences and carry them with you now and tomorrow. 

When you saw the ocean today I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the waves. I knew I would hear you say this was your favorite. And yesterday you said you didn't need to do anything at the park, just walking in was enough. But of course you rode the rides and talked incessantly about the experience. 

You. Are. Awesome. 

Thank you for letting me follow you on this journey.  

33

I will be 33 in a little over 2 weeks.

33

Jesus was 33 when he was crucified.
He rocked this world. He tore it up and flipped it around. He made an impact. A difference. He saved lives. He loved like crazy.
He still does.

So for me, for my 33rd birthday, I want to dedicate it to Christ. I want to do something radical in my 33rd year. I want to rock this world. I want to flip things around. I want to love like crazy. I want to be more like Him and a whole lot less like me.

Where do I start? What is my plan?

Is it 33 goals to accomplish? Is it just one big thing? What will that look like?
I'm thinking...

My Privilege

It's when he's tickling the boys.
Or he hugs "the girl"...
When he wraps his arms around me in the kitchen.
Reading his Bible.
Sharing his day.
Telling me I'm beautiful.
Laughing with me.
Knowing when to give me space...
... and when to draw me close.
Sharing the raw parts of his heart...
Catching his eye in a room.
His love for those struggling.
The ups...
The downs...

It's the privilege of being his wife.

Deserving

You deserve it.

It's a phrase I do not like. 

When I shared with a friend that we were purchasing a house she was really excited for us and said "oh! How awesome. You guys deserve it!"

She was being kind and toughtful and I so appreciate her support. In reality though... We don't deserve it. 

You know? We deserve punishment. An eternity filled with gnashing of teeth and all things demonic. 

But what do we get? I get? 

Me... Sinful and sin filled?

Blessings. Too many to count. 

A healthy family. Beautiful children. A loving husband. Yearly family vacations. Nice cars. A house...

...a Heavenly Father who blesses me beyond reason. A Father who sees the good through all my mistakes and gifts me with this life. 

I pray I never lose sight of His grace, mercy and love... and that I never feel deserving. 

2 years

Two years ago on this very day, the air was hot and humid and I could not wait to step out in it and into the arms of my groom. 

Who thinks about what is to come, I mean REALLY come, after the guests leave and the dress is put away?

Having done this before I assumed I had seen it all. I had seen much. More than I could have imagined, but never this. My new reality. My new husband. My new family. My new life. 

I like it. A lot. 

It's different, for sure. 

The man calls me on my bs all.the.time. He laughs at my moodiness. He challenges my thoughts. He tells me I am beautiful while I sob over one thing or another. He makes an amazing steak (and I don't even like red meat). He thinks I'm smart. He thanks me for cleaning the bathroom. He listens to my randomness. He is compassionate. Honest (sometimes too much)! Hard working. Funny. God loving. A great dad/step-dad. Loyal. A good listener. Admits when he's wrong. Humble... 

He is my partner. My best friend. My husband. He is mine. 

Happy Anniversary, B. 

love,

Me

XO

I know nothing

I've said this before and again I say it. 

This year is a year of growth. It's a doozy. 

Mistakes, victories, confusion, and clarity fill my days. I have never been more aware of my personal growth. He is stretching me in all directions and it's bitter sweet. 

I was warned that my 30's would bring about discovery of myself. I thought my late 20's taught me a lot, but as is the custom with time and lessons learned... My 20's was only paving a way to my 30's and the molding of my heart, my soul and mind. 

It was with a false sense of confidence that I entered my mid twenties. I wrongly thought that I had been through much and that much had taught me who I was. 

A month shy of my 33rd birthday and I acknowledge whole heartedly that I...know nothing. 

It is with this confidence that I lead my life. I know nothing. And for that I am thankful. 

I mess up like crazy. I love with my entire heart. I want to make the world better. Hold on to the ones I love tighter. Fight for the things that make an eternal difference. Forgive and be forgiven. And do it all with a naive heart. 

To live it all like I know nothing. Because when I do, I find myself humbled by the knowledge of truth and faith that He knows everything. 

Sports and Souls

1 in 5 American parents spend $1000 per kid on sports every year.

$1000… on sports. I’m not saying it’s right or it’s wrong, it just makes me think.

The odd my kid (or yours) is going to play professionally someday… odds are in the lower single percentages (except baseball whose odds aren’t that great).

So just to average it out we/they spend about $6000 per kid and countless hours at fields, practices and in the backyard trying to help them with their skills. $6000 per kid. So maybe your kid doesn’t do sports, they do piano, or drama, or whatever. It’s still money and it’s still time.

 What would our world be like if we spent that amount of money, time and effort helping our kids get into the Kingdom?

I am not innocent of this, I too fail. I spend countless hours at the fields, spending money and supporting (with excitement and love) my kiddos… and spend countless minutes reading them scripture, teaching them how to study the Word and sharing in our love for Christ.

Sure, we are a part of a Life Group. Our kids go to church camp. We do nightly devotionals. We listen to praise and worship music together. We volunteer at our church and in the community. We watch Christian movies. We love Christ together, daily. But that’s the easy stuff. That’s the check mark stuff. I can do more. I want to do more. I want to grow these little people to be pro-Christians. To lead them to the Stanley Cup of heaven. To wear the beautiful championship ring. To rest at His feet after hours of countless practices. I want to invest in their spiritual growth more than I invest in their physical growth.

Life List (update!)

A little over a year ago I posted this. It's time for an update!

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark Twain

Here are 60 62 (hey, I can add more if I want! ha!) things I'd like to do in my lifetime. Goofy, serious, or just plain crazy - it's my life and I only get to live it once.

1. Swim with dolphins
2. Visit every State (USA)...
3. ...and Province (Canada)
4. Spend some time under the Tuscan sun
5. Rock my grandchildren to sleep
6. Own a forever home
7. Scuba dive
8. Spend an entire summer in Wawa
9. Go to Disney World with the kiddos
10. Take a cruise
11. Create life
12. Throw a giant just-because party for my friends and family
13. Own an elephant's painting
14. Take a dance class
15. Take a "girlfriends only" trip
16. Get paid to do what I love
17. Refinish a piece of furniture
18. Make some one's dream come true
19. Experience Mardi Gras in New Orleans
20. Be able to see my abs
21. Take a photography class
22. Anonymously pay for some one's groceries
23. Witness a birth
24. Make pasta from scratch
25. Make and can jam
26. Teach my children to be Godly people
27. Fly my nephews here for an entire summer
28. Write a book
29. See a Broadway show
30. Have my favorite scriptures memorized
31. Attend a Country Living Antique Fair
32. Grow/maintain a vegetable garden
33. Spend 3 months doing missionary work abroad
34. Lead someone to Christ
35. Lead a "green" life
36. Take one shopping trip that mimics the people from "Extreme Couponing"
37. See a professional ballet performance
38. Learn to surf
39. Visit the holy land
40. Climb an active volcano
41. Ride in a hot air balloon
42. Inspire someone
43. Visit the Grand Canyon
44. Learn to make pottery
45. Get a college degree
46. Build a Habitat for Humanity Home
47. Be an extra in a movie
48. Consistently send birthday cards to my loved ones + on time
49. Skinny dip in an ocean
50. Ride on a sail boat
51. See Bon Jovi in concert
52. Understand politics
53. Do a somersault on a trampoline
54. Love to wear swimsuits
55. Have an office/craft room
56. Run a half marathon
57. Go on an African safari
58. Write an article for a magazine
59. Retire comfortably
60. Live as a vegetarian for 1 month
61. Speak at a Christian women's event
62. Do the rip cord at an amusement park

Enjoy

We've been back a couple of days and many have asked about our trip.

My heart and soul are so full. Peace filled. Love filled.
We were busy during our trip but my body wasn't exhausted. My patience was renewed. My laugh came easily. And my being enjoyed.

These past few months my life has seemed quite chaotic. Work, life, volunteer... my world has been non-stop. I came back to... the same thing. But it's different. My head is different. Things seem lighter. Life isn't easier. We came back to the same issues, but we came back rested. Connected. Whole.

For the first time in months, my anxiety has minimized.
God is so good. He is in control. I know this. I feel this.
I took some time to listen. To be still. To enjoy His blessings.

Gulping it in

We giggled as we watched your expression, your laugh and your excited voice as we took off. You pointed everything out. The clouds, the turbulence, you slept, you talked, you watched. 

The hotel, the pool, the palm trees, the characters, the rides, the very sound sleep. It's all you. Your personality. Full throttle. Gulping it all in. 

You surprised me. You wanted to stop in on every single shop at the park. We weren't able to do them all but you were satisfied with what we saw. The ocean drew you in. The shells, the waves... You are inamored. 

Your little hand in mine... this little world we are exploring. I look forward to tomorrow. 

Taking the plunge

When she brought it up, I laughed it off. I am not exactly a risk taker. I do things in a very controlled manner. I like plans. I am Type A. 

But she asked. And she totally used the YOLO card and she said she wanted to do this thing with me. 

Yes. They all pretty much have me wrapped around their little finger. 

So, we did it. We put on the harnesses, we were lifted 300 feet and after she yanked the cord, we "flew". 

That's what the people who work there call it. Listen up, there's no flying... Well, not at first. At first you just fall. Fast. Towards the water. Together. And you scream. We did that a lot. One of us may have screamed longer than the other. 

And then the rope yanks you up and I guess you can consider that flying. You know... Once you stop praying to God for safety. 

We did. We dropped 300 feet together. We both walked away shaking, laughing and with a crazy new memory. One I will cherish forever. 

A unit

This might just be the happiest place on earth. Not so much because of Mickey and his pals but because of the place we're in. I'm in. 

We are exploring, growing, trying new things and laughing our way through our days. We are good. So good. 

Nearly two years ago we became a family and we have bonded. We are strong as the BK5. Our little family has become more than I expected. More than I could have dreamed possible. We are no longer blended but whole. 

Time away like this fortifies our bond. It renews our spirits both individually and as a unit. 

This is it. This is us. Blessed. 

One week of us

Just a few more sleeps and we get each other all to ourselves. No distractions. No work commitments, school work or activities to keep our days and evenings full. Just us. 

One week of "all about us". 

Words can't express how much my soul craves it, my heart thirsts for it and my mind needs it's rest. 

Us. Together. In a land of magic and dreams. Memories, giggles and exhaustion. 

Family vacation. 

Precious relationship

I just finished reading a book that wasn't all the great. It was kinda lousy. It was about two women who were best friends and their friendship through different stages of their lives. And it was real and raw.  I was kinda in the mood for fake and happily ever after, you know?

Anyway, it made me think of my bff. That girl is busy. And this girl is busy. Do you know what that equals? Lots of not seeing each other. She's a piece of my sanity. She's the one I can say WHATEVER to and she gets me. She totally gets my heart and she says exactly what I need to hear (whether I want to hear it or not!). She knows every single thing about me. She's the Thelma to my Louise, the Mary to my Rhoda, the peanut to my jelly... you get it...

Last week as I was reading through the book and I realized that there are different ways to stay connected to her without having to see her since right now it's just not going to happen as much as we both want it to. So I decided to send her a text every day about whatever. Sometimes it's a rant about something that's on my heart. Sometimes it's a picture of the inside of my fridge (we had an exuberant amount of yogurt and I thought she'd get a laugh out of it... she did) and sometimes it's me sending her a pic of my office to tell her that I think of her everyday.

Because near or far, busy or not... this relationship is precious to me.

Privilege

I have noticed it these past few months. 

You have faced some hard lessons. Ones I had to let you learn. It ripped my heart but it had to be done. And you accepted them all. Every struggle you faced you took the time to "sit in it" and I walked away while you sorted it out.

We both knew you'd come talk to me when you were good and ready. When you were able to process the consequences. 

We talk, like always, about different choices you could have made.  I tell you that I love you. 

And, even after the hurt (self inflicted or not) you always acknowledge that you know that I allow things to happen so that you can grow. As you put it "that's your job, Mom". 

Not until you become a parent yourself  will you understand how truly terrifyingly beautiful that statement is. It is my job...And  there will be more (many I am sure) moments like the ones in the past months and I want you to know... this job of mine... It's a privilege I never want to take for granted. 

I love you, Peanut. 

And this too...

Thoughts running rampid. Too fast that it seems impossible to string them together and to create clear feelings. 

All of it jumbled up. 

I have so much to process but my head is filled with confusion, anxiety and resolve. 

Resolve. 

Because this too will end. 

Life will find its rhythm once more. 

Peace will once again reign in my head and heart. 

I can already feel it. Feel Him. His steady hand guiding me. His love enveloping my soul. His quiet and still voice reassuring my weary heart. 

And this too shall pass. 

Moments

It's after the kids are in bed and the day's chaos have been put away. It's in the dark when we lay next to each other, our breath slowing down. It's when he reaches over and put his hand on my hip. It's in that darkness when we whisper the thoughts that fill our mind. When we talk about His plan, when we share talk about nothing and everything. We talk about our lives, the kids, work, our worries and our joys. We talk about the ways we can do tomorrow better. It's my favorite moment with him.

The middle

He's moving towards the middle.

That place where childhood is slowly fading and teenagehood is just on the horizon. A place where figuring out who means a lot of do-overs and mess-ups. A place where mom isn't as cool as she used to be... but he still needs her (and he'll admit it... for now) to share his day with, to validate feelings and to help him understand these new experiences.

The middle.

Wanting to look older, to be older... but not able to figure out what that means exactly.

Sometimes he looks at me in a certain way and I see the man he's slowly becoming and other times... I see that tiny baby I nursed to sleep night after night.

He's testing boundaries, talking through his feelings (yes, his future wife will thank me), and enjoying the little bit of extra freedom he's given. He's realizing his own weaknesses and I reinforce his strengths.

He is absolutely beautiful.

The middle.

The awkward years. The not so hormonal but enough to make a momma worry and pray. I've never been around boys growing up (not like this anyway), so this is new to me.

The middle.

The place where we'll be growing together!

Motives

I have a friend who's going through a really hard time right now. She's having to make some big decisions and she's struggling between her head and her heart. Girl... I've been there.

The only advice I have... motive. Always check your motive.

My therapist gave me some of the best advice when she said that whatever decision you make, you have to be ok with it when you're smoking mad or blissfully happy.  I gave that advice to someone who talked to me about divorcing her husband after a rough patch... and guess what? They are still married... happily.

Our motives are huge and what drives them shouldn't be feelings because feelings get us in trouble. Feelings are never solid. Feelings come and feelings go. Our motives should be based on Christ's Word, our values. It's not always easy, especially when hurt is involved... but seeing past it through to our foundation, the base of who we are... our decisions are more secure and whole.

Legacy

I met a girlfriend for lunch today to discuss some upcoming VBS plans. As I greeted her, her eyes filled with tears as she told me about the loss of her friend, a woman in her 70's with a young spirit and an intense love for Jesus. As we talked about this woman's life and the legacy she left with her kind and open heart. Her children, her grandchildren, her husband, her friends adored her. She loved people and they loved her.

What a beautiful way to leave this earth.

I've been thinking about it. What it will be like when I leave this earth. What my children will say about me, what my husband will say... what my friends will say... what my legacy will look like. There's a song I love to listen to and pretty much sums up my thoughts.

Nichole Nordeman; Legacy

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things? I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name apologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

reading, learning, parenting

I recently finished reading this bad boy:

I loved, it, loved it, loved it! It gave me some pretty fun ways to teach the kids how to be self sufficient without ending up being the super mean, drill sargent mom. Kay breaks down 12 skills she feels her kids need to know before they "fly the coop". She breaks that down into a 12 month plan:

1. how to make a bed and maintain an orderly room
2. how to cook and clean a kitchen
3. how to do yard work
4. how to clean a bathroom
5. how to get a job... outside our home
6. how to do laundry
7. how to do a handyman jobs
8. how to host a party
9. how to work together
10. how to run errands
11. how to put others first through service
12. how to act mannerly

Some of this stuff seems like it's a given - that they should know this but the more I read the more I realized I was doing my kids a huge disservice with some of my enabling behavior.

I want to do it all for them for many reasons but mainly because I love them to crazy and my love langugage is service and my second reason is... I can just do it better! :) But those reasons stink and I need to get more serious about teaching them some real life skills.

My all time favorite tip was for Month 1. To get the kids motivated (incentives) she gave the kiddos each a jar with money in it - $1 for each day of the month. The kids were expected to make their beds and maintain an orderly room (and bathroom). Simply put - clean up after themselves. She didn't remind them and when she headed into their room in the morning, after they'd left for school if things weren't picked up and the beds weren't made, she'd take $1 out of the jar. There was no way to get the $1 back (no make-up work - cause real life doesn't work that way) and the kids were not allowed to borrow or have any of the money until the end of the month (whatever was left).

Clever! There are lots of other really great tips and tricks that I'll be applying to my work as a momma.

Growing kids is hard and I often question whether I'm doing any of it right. I want to raise good solid, hard working members of society (whether they want the same thing or not!), this was a great resource to have.

teaming up to raise 'em up

I recently took a class through work on how to build effective teams. I really enjoyed the class and learned a lot from it from a professional stand point… but I also learned a lot from it personally. As I sat in the class I realized that this really applies to all kinds of life situations and I related it to co-parenting specifically.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (and again and again and again), divorce solves absolutely nothing, especially when children are involved. Sure the marriage struggles are over but they have then morphed into a different kind of struggle. There is no time to let the dust settle because there are children that have been placed in a situation they never asked to be and it’s our responsibility to lessen the impact, to make life for them as “normal” as possible and it’s tough when your lives are headed in two different directions.

It’s hard enough to parent these little guys when you are married, but when you are divorced and the love you feel for one another is very different, it’s hard to team up and do it right. Interestingly enough, I just had a lunch meeting with the boys’ dad to go over summer plans, any communication issues we may have been struggling with and just an overall “team building”. In the corporate world, like the “real world”, we have a lot of different means of communication; IM, email, conference call, but the most effective is definitely face to face interaction and I felt that bi-annually (at a minimum), it’s important for him and I to touch base. It’s important for the boys to know that we are a team regardless of our marital status. And with all that, I learned some important tools that not only apply to co-parenting but relationships in general.

To have an effective co-parenting relationship you really need to have:

·         Trust

·         Shared Vision

·         Effective Communication

Trust

1.       Listen, cooperate, support and respect

2.       Decisions are based on facts, not personalities

3.       Conflict is managed effectively

Trust occurs when people’s behaviors match their intent.- that’s a pretty impacting statement, isn’t it?!

Shared Vision

Develop a vision for the team based on the goal; in this case that would be the kiddos and developing that can be heard if your values don’t match. Like anything else, compromise is a must!

Effective Communication

1.       Candor is the norm

2.       Members are kept informed

3.       Roles and responsibilities are well defined (we’re a team; let’s figure out what everyone’s doing!)

4.       Have a code of team conduct (y’all know what that means!)

5.       Effective meetings (with a purpose and stay focused)

Isn’t this all crazy, true, and applicable?! I did learn lots and lots of things professionally and I’ll apply it in my manager position but I’m super excited to be able to apply it personally too. I'll continue to meet with the boys dad, to over communicate, to do more listening than talking and to continually think of our team's goal rather than my own.

Flirting, stalking, and dreaming

I have been flirting for some time. Looking, stalking almost. Checking statuses and browsing through pictures. I get excited about the possibilities. And... my patience is wearing thin.

It's almost time.

Maybe.

These next few months will tell.

A home of our own. A yard for the kids. Rooms to paint. Pictures to hang. New memories to create. In our forever home.

Stretch and grow

Maybe I was getting comfortable. Maybe things were getting too easy. Maybe I was getting too confident.

Maybe.

Maybe that's why He's allowing things to happen. Why things I had "figured out" don't make sense anymore. Maybe that's why I feel my heart, my head, and my faith getting stretched and pulled in so many different ways.

Maybe.

I am in a place I don't like being. The place of uncertainty. The place where lack of confidence and anxiety fill my days. The place of hurt and healing. The place of roller-coasters and lazy days. The place where I grow the most. It's exhausting.

Distance

I knew it would come.
The time when my heart realized what my head has known for months. We are not going "home" this year.

We are taking the kids to Disney instead.

I am super excited about Disney and we are beyond blessed to be able to take this trip. It will be memorable. I know this.

But my heart aches for the lake. For the trees. The loons. The cottage. The hikes. The town. The family. My family.

And it will be about 15 months before I will see them again. Nearly 2 years without a hug from my momma. Another two years until my dad and I get to hang out chatting in the garage. A long while without late night conversations and long walks.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder... Fonder... Maybe. Tender. Definitely.

You and me

My mother loves to tell stories of this small child who was determined from birth. Who was very sure of what she wanted. Always. Hair, clothes, shoes. She decided and there was no changing of minds. She didn't mind proving her point with solid arguments.

She and my mother battled over dinner and she struggled with textures in foods. She had a wild imagination, loved to draw and tell stories. She was a star student and loved to make her teacher happy. She made lots of friends and was loyal to them all. She had a silly sense of humor and loved to get a laugh from people.

She had a sweet heart. And she loved cuddles and words of encouragement.

I smile when my mother tells me these stories, because she's speaking about me. But all I think of is you, Monkey.

Alike

I love that you ask me questions. So many questions. You seek to understand.

You worry about the day. The week. The future. You want a clear understanding of what's to come.

We have deep discussions about theology and you discuss your opinions, we dig for answers until we're both satisfied.

You know right from wrong. You forgive easily. You see a need and find a way to fill it. You love long hugs and night time talks. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You talk feelings as easily as you do football. You love hard.

I've never wanted to compare you to myself or your dad. You are unique. God made you to be this beautiful, talkative, funny young boy. But you... You are very aware. We're a whole lot alike.

Pause Button

Everything seems so scattered in my mind.

I'm not overwhelmed with life. Just... confused by it.. maybe. There's so many things to think about. So many thing choices, decisions and life goes on merrily. I want to take a little break. Put the world on pause while I process it all.

But it's still good. So good.

I think I might be half conflicted with all of the choices and things to think about and half basking in the blessings that have been poured out to me.

No matter what. I am blessed. I am healthy. I am loved. I am forgiven. I am healed. I am His.

What more is there?

Blessings

I found myself in a world of "I" last week.

You know the one?
I worked hard for this.
I made those choices so that I could get this. 
Why does she get that when I did (insert whatever here) and I am stuck here.

I "I'ed" the heck out of my week. And then I said one of those statements out loud. I realized what I had been doing. And I realized why I was feeling the way I was... because I lied.

I didn't do a thing.
I don't deserve a thing.
I certainly don't run the show.
And I don't want to.

Yes. I work hard. When I commit to something, I give it my all. I was raised to give it my all in everything I do, but I choose to give it my all for my King. The results... I didn't create them.Tons of people work harder than me. We don't get to decide what blessings we receive. That's God's. And it's a good thing we don't. Because if we did, we'd choose all wrong.

Job 1:21

and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
    and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
    may the name of the Lord be praised.”

Blessings surround me, love overflows my heart, and He is the reason for it all. I will stand firm on His promises.

iPhone Conviction

The following was posted on Facebook a few days ago…

“Dear Mom On the iPhone,

I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.

But Momma, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..

Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.

You aren’t.

Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.

He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.

Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.

Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.

Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.

Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!

Play time at the park will be over before you know it.

The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.

They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”

There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time.

Because they know…

You’ve shown them, all these moments that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..

I know that’s not true, Mommy.

I know your heart says differently.

But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly.

May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all.”

break.my.heart.

convicted.

Heaven is Here

I just finished reading Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson.

Wow.

Really.

I've been following her blog for a couple of years and it's rocked my world so when she announced she was writing a book a while ago, I thought it was nice and that I'd have to pick it up. Had I known it would be that good.... I would have bought a copy right away. But I didn't. 2 weeks ago I was surfing Amazon and remembered wanting a copy.

The message, the hope, and the love that flowed through the pages made me see my own life in a different way. Her triumph, faith, and perseverance is breath taking.

One of my favorite things about Stephanie is her love for the simple. Being a mother. Being a wife. Living life. Enjoying it.

This is it. This is my life. My one and only life.

I will never again get to live this day. To snuggle my babies. To help with homework. To fold their clothes. To listen to their day. To lay down with my husband and whisper about our day before falling asleep. To make this best day I possibly can. To live the best day I possibly can.

Stephanie Nielson, thank you for sharing your world with us.
Thank you for reminding me to count my blessings. My health, my family, my faith, my life.

Being Christian

It's a combination of a comment left on my Facebook page and the current sermon series at church (Proverbs)...

How the world sees Christians... followed up with... what does it mean to be a Christian?

Christians are often held on a high moral pedestal. We are viewed differently by society. I get it. We rely on a really old book as our "how-to" guide on life. Some believe it's outdated. Some believe it's irrelevant. Some believe it is God's Word. I happen to be in the group that believes, trusts, acknowledges it as God's Word.

I am authentic. I'm not going to fake it. I'm real. I'm raw. And I'm a mess. I make mistakes. I say things I shouldn't. I struggle with the exactly same things non-Christians do. Being a Christian doesn't mean I have my crap together, cause if it did, I would have been kicked out of that family a looooonnnnnggg time ago. Being a Christian means I have this beautiful Heavenly Father whom I talk to daily, who I serve, who I cling to in my time of needs, who I worship weekly, and with whom who's other children I grow in His family, the church. Being a Christian means I have given Him my whole soul and I trust Him with all that I am.

I am very aware and agree that as Christians, we are to be held at a different standard because we are followers of the King of Kings. It's an honor to be one of His followers. And as I worshipped on Sunday and we sang I let the tears flood my eyes because, as it often does, it hit me how broken and imperfect I am. I am one big mess and He loves me.

Specially blessed

I have the gift of mercy. I want to feed the poor. I want to counsel the broken. I want to heal the wounds... but there's one area I've been a little nervous about... the ones with special needs. It's a place I feel the most awkward.

My sweet little tender hearted peanut has wanted to serve kids with special needs for a while now. His heart questions God's allowance of such struggles. We have talked in the past (and continue to do so) about how we learn much more from people with special needs then they ever do from us.

Compassion.

That's what I saw tonight from my two boys. Their hearts filled with such joy when J finally laughed. When he found joy in the teeter totter, the boys found joy in his happy moans and screams.

Blessed.

That's what we are. To have been a part of such a beautiful night. To have learned to love those we don't understand even when it's scary or awkward.

Humbled.

That's how I felt when faced with beautiful little faces who love, trust, hope, believe the way God has asked us. No inhibitions. No false pretenses. Just being who they are. Fearfully and wonderfully made.

Mine

There's nothing like a man who's got your back. A man who truly goes out and fights for you. For his family. For what he believes in.

Flawed, broken, imperfect. He's mine.
He's wrestled demons, he calms my storms and he grounds my way too anxious head.

Ours isn't a perfect life, but it's pretty stinking close.

The in-between

It's that place I like the least. The place between the plan and the action... the place where waiting is the name of the game and patience is the thing that is exercised.

The in-between.

I am patient. Just not that kind of patient. I want to get to the place where everything is revealed. When actions can start and the talking can stop. The back and forth... the what-ifs... the hypotheses.

The in-between.

The place where God is at His best... where we grow, we lean, we are carried, by Him, on Him, and with Him.

The in-between.

A time where we are at our worst and He is at His best.

Step-Parenting

I find step-parenting difficult.

Not for the reasons you might suspect.
I find step-parenting difficult because I have so much love for A that I could easily love her just like my own... but I can't. Because she's not. She has a momma and she doesn't need me to be that to her.

She needs me to be a mentor, a confidant, an extra shoulder to lean on, to love her, to hang out with her, to buy her the stuff she'd die if her dad had to, the one who "gets" her. But not a parent.

We're not the full time house, we're the weekend house. We don't have a full grasp of her reality. We experience school, home life, friends, car-pool through her eyes, not our own.

Sometimes it's difficult because the line is fine and sometimes I wobble back and forth depending on her needs. I don't want to overstep any boundaries, I don't want to hurt feelings, I just want to do what A needs from me at that time. Whatever that may be.

On the flip side of the uncertainty, boundaries and feelings is a super fun side. I get to plan fun times, create sweet memories, and show her a different culture and way of life.

I do find step-parenting difficult... because I have so much love for her and managing that is difficult.

Quality of Communication

A friend of mine posted the following on Facebook:

The "Quality" of my life is based on the "Quality" of my communication...

If I could shout this from the mountain tops I would! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

I am a true believer of communication. I communicate... a lot. I want to hear what you have to say. I want to say things to you. I want to talk about things and most importantly I want our relationship to progress. For me and you to get anywhere, we need to communicate.

Wikipedia says this about communication:

Communication (from Latin "communis", meaning to share) is the activity of conveying information through the exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, visuals, signals, writing, or behavior. Communication requires a sender, a message, and a recipient, although the receiver need not be present or aware of the sender's intent to communicate at the time of communication; thus communication can occur across vast distances in time and space. Communication requires that the communicating parties share an area of communicative commonality. The communication process is complete once the receiver has understood the message of the sender.

Yep. And lately I'm just not feeling like people are communicating with me... or with each other. And when that happens, people (me included) make up our own conclusions in our heads. And there's lots of crazy stuff happening in my head so you shouldn't want to add more crazy to it. :)

So what I wish to communicate with you today is that if we all just communicated, not just talked, we would be better. My life would be better, your life would be better... the world might even be better.

This week has been rough. I'd like to communicate that with you. It's been rough and I'm ok. I leaned on Him and I communicated with Him. I heard Him. I felt Him. I love Him.

Lying my choices away

I don't like being lied to. Or feel like the truth is being omitted. It has got to be one of the worst feelings ever. It makes everything in me tight with stress.

I've been asking myself why this one sin bothers me so much. Maybe because it is the root of so many other sins...

I want to know all the information. It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel confident in my choices. It helps me understand the whole story. I feel more sympathetic and empathetic.

Is it because then, I feel more in control? Is that a bad kind of control?

Maybe it's because when I am lied to I feel hurt that I wasn't trusted enough to share the truth. That someone took a choice from me by keeping it from me.

Don't lie. I might not like it, I might have to make choices neither one of us like, but they are my choices based on your choices.

Anxiety and me

I struggle with anxiety. It’s started about 8 years ago (give or take a year) and it doesn’t seem to be going away. I am prone to attacks during times of conflict… family conflict. Weird, huh? My own family doesn’t spark the fire that is “anxiety” because with them, I feel safe in control. We KNOW each other. We’ve been through crap together… lots of it and I know this is the real deal. They aren’t going away and I’m not leaving. We’re in it.

Anxiety seems to strike when I feel like I can’t defend myself, like my heart isn’t being heard or it’s being all twisted into someone else’s false perception. It’s when I feel weak in the circumstance.

My body shakes. I get cold. Thoughts run through faster than I can process. So I pull my hands together and I pray. Lots. I pray the same words over and over again.

You are in control. Take it. It’s Yours. You are in control.

I’ve been seriously considering going back on some anxiety medicine that I took during my separation… with much thought and prayer I think for now, for me, I’ll continue to pray that God removes this struggle from my life and when it attacks my heart, I’ll continue to pray through it.

It IS His. It’s not mine to carry. He wants to carry it.

Colossians 1:28-29

So we tell others about Christ, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all the wisdom God has given us. We want to present them to God, perfect in their relationship to Christ. That’s why I work and struggle so hard, depending on Christ’s mighty power that works within me.

Decisions

We had to make a decision and we didn’t make it lightly. We have prayed and prayed over this for months. Tears have been shed, long night time talks and days filled with anxiety. And it won’t end for a while.

We knew that in making this decision would result in no winners and no losers. And we knew that by not making a decision would end in the same results. But in the end it came down to a child. A child who doesn’t have a choice about the surroundings. A child who wants something different. Who has asked for something different. With whom we are madly in love. For whom we are responsible. Because of that we are taking these steps.

We prayed that we could do things differently. We asked questions. We prayed some more. We prayed for healing. We prayed for peace. We prayed for hope. We prayed for truth. We prayed. We prayed. We prayed. And we put our faith in His promises. His light. His love.

I ask that you pray for us. For all of us… them, us, all those involved. Pray for healing, for direction, for hope, for peace. Pray that through this God will be glorified and magnified. That our eyes will be fixed on Him. On His Word, on His guidance and on His love.

I know You’re there.

I know You see me.

You are the air I breathe.

You are the ground beneath me.

Work / Life and all that jazz

Work / Life Balance is a fairly new corporate world buzz word.
It's impossible.

I'm home today with a little boy who has a big fever. He wants cuddles and smooches and for his mama to sit on the couch with him and watch Disney. And I did. And when he was hot and sleepy and in the midst of nightmares, I sat at the table and did my job... from home. I got up several times to get him his medicine, to rub his back to make the nightmares go away and I gave him the fluids he needed, but then I sat right back down to work.

I tried to balance my clients with my kiddo and I really stink at balancing them both. Cause when I'm with my little guy, I know there are people waiting for some deliverable or another and when I'm working, I know my little guy just needs me to hold him.

Work / Life Balance? Not so much. Work / Life Guilt. You betcha.