Giggles, Sports, and Legos

We lay in bed listening to them giggle.

He rolls over and whispers
"That's what I'm going to miss when they are gone. That. The way they giggle together, and watching them be together, and enjoying sports with them, and watching you play Legos with them, and us all connecting in different ways... all that. Them."

So we lay there, the both of us. Our heads and hearts full of thoughts of them... of the past, the present and the future. Of the love they have for one another and the joy it brings us.

We fall asleep very aware of how blessed we are.

You on your birthday

We celebrated your birthday yesterday.
You know... just like you wanted. Low key.
Pizza, cake from a box... ice cream.
Not too much fuss.

But I couldn't let the day go without telling you how much you mean to me.
You like when I do that.
I like when I do that.

I like who I am when I'm with you.
You challenge my thinking. You push me to be better while loving me right where I am.
That's an incredible gift.

Don't ever think that I love you just for what you do for me/say to me. I love you for who you are.
You.
All of you.

Loving.
Humble.
Sarcastic.
Loyal.
Respectful.
Resilient.
Compassionate.
No nonsense.
Curious.
Non judgmental.
Funny.

Those are just a few of the things I love about you.

B - you own my heart.
I love you to pieces.
Marie
xo

5 Rocks

I dread social media these days. 
Is it too much to ask that I see pictures of my friends, their kids, their animals, funny sayings, and overall sweet things?

My heart and head hurt when I see the mud being slung all over the place. For the love of all things social - let's give it a rest people!

I see pain, hate, intolerance, cutting words, injustice, and complete and total selfishness.

It's coming from the left and right.

It's from people who mean well.... and from those who don't.

It's from people with an agenda and those trying to figure out what that is.

It's from people with brokenness and scars and hurts and well... just people.

A friend brought forth a message he'd heard this morning... it cut through to my soul. 

If you are right but wrong in the WAY you are right, you are wrong even IF you are right.

Put Down the 5 Rocks:
1. Your rocks of self righteousness...we are NO better than anyone else.
2. Your rocks of rightness...handle the truth appropriately and accept others.
3. Your rocks of resentment...saying you deserve better vs. putting it in God's hands.
4. Your rocks of revenge...getting back at others who hurt you.
5. Your rocks of retreat...completely withdrawing because you've been hurt or disappointed.

Jesus modeled what it means to put down the rocks. He was about truth in love and kindness.

Even if you are right - you aren't winning anyone over with your put downs and cutting words. It's social media folks - we get to decide what it's used for, we get to be an example of love and kindness for others. We get to be fun and silly and encouraging.

There's so much hatred and intolerance in parts of the world we will never go - can we find peace and tolerance in our little corner of the life?

14 years of blessedness

On your 14th birthday, I was a mess. I'm not going to lie. It was a hard day for me.
I'm not really sure why.This is technically your second year of being a "teen"... you aren't hitting a huge milestone or anything... but maybe it's because to me, this past year I've seen you change a lot physically (and quickly!) and in all kinds of ways this year.

You are taller than we now (I hear about it often!).
Your voice is deeper (and sometimes high pitched!).
You are crazy social. Your friends come over, you go over there.
You are starting to take things a bit more seriously...
... but you keep me laughing!
You have a heart for the broken.
You can spew off sports stats like no other.
You love the Montreal Canadians.
You really like to play chess.
Your football teammates and coaches called you "The Athlete".
You whip and nae nae like a pro.

Peanut, you are one of my favorite people to hang out with. You keep me entertained and thinking. You can be super serious and super hilarious. Thanks for being so awesome and for allowing me into your life!

I love you, I love you, I love you. Je t'aime, je t'aime, je t'aime. And I always will.
Love,
Mom

All Grown Up (mostly)

17 years old.

It's a bit strange look back on pictures of you from when I first met you a little over 5 years ago. It seems like yesterday and decades ago all at once.

Your crooked teeth and growing out bangs.
Your sparkly and busy tops.
Your glasses and quiet nature.
Your introverted personality.

Now you're all grown up (mostly).
Gorgeous inside and out. A heart of gold and a spirit that shines.
A young woman who's got the world in reach.

You take time to be still with God every single day.
You are busy, busy, busy doing things you love with people you love.
You have a part-time job doing something you enjoy.
You make a loud sigh when I annoy you with a "no".  (it makes me laugh inside)
You are taking crazy hard classes so you can get to your goal quicker.
You are talkative and quiet all in one.
You love Grey's Anatomy (a little obsessively - ha!).
You are talking big dreams and goals (there's no doubt you'll reach them).
You are a Starbucks crazy junior.
You love the Royals.
You make me crazy proud.

I can't express in words how much I truly love you, A. You are a part of me, a part I didn't know I needed. I'm forever thankful to God for the gift of you in my life.

Happiest of birthdays Mlle A!
Je t'aime.
Renee

Hello 9 Year Old!

I'm wrapping up your "8 Year Old Book" right now and looking at pictures from a year ago is one bittersweet moment after another for me. 

You are 9 years old and it seems almost impossible that you have been on this earth for nearly a decade. 

It's your Golden Birthday this year. We aren't really sure what the means but we did a lot of yellow. You've been anticipating this birthday for weeks now. Counting down and being super excited as the day neared. I love this about you.

This was a "just hanging out" birthday. It nearly killed me that we weren't doing a theme but you were sure that this year, you just wanted to hang out with your friends. So we did a movie, and a cookie cake and a sleepover. And as the evening progressed and I watched your interaction with your friends, I realized just how much you are growing up.

Today you...

love to play baseball.

are a huge Blue Jays fan.

love Demons by Imagine Dragons.

are into Pokemon.

are a huge fan of Dr. Who.

love to ride your bike.

think Brian's "claw" is hysterical.

love to read Harry Potter with me.

only allow A to call you "Princess".

mimic your brother in the worst ways. :)

are decisive.

are super sarcastic.

have a soft heart for those with disabilities.

love life to its fullest.

You teach me so much, Monkey. I've seen you grow in all kinds of ways this year. You are an incredible human being and you make me a better person. Thank you for allowing me to love you like crazy (even when it's annoying) for being you, regardless of who's around, and for making such a positive impact on our family.

I love your toes and in between your toes and all the way to the top of your head.

Mom

xo 

Death and Eternity

My co-worker/friend's dad passed away yesterday.
She found out at work.
She ran to my office and cried. I rubbed her back and whispered prayers of comfort.

Her dad is gone.
He has the hope of Jesus and I  know he's in heaven. That gives her great comfort.

What will happen when my parents leave this earth? My family? My friends?

How will I react? Will I feel peace, knowing that I loved them ferociously, that I did everything I could to create a strong and unique relationship with them? Will they know the depth of Jesus' love for them?

I pray all of this.
I pray that for all of my family and friends.

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,
Matthew 28:19

Reunion

About 5 years ago I blogged about a stranger, a woman who made a huge impact in my life - my sister's birth mother.

A few weeks ago my sister confided in me that she was looking for her and was pretty sure she'd found her. I was thrilled for her. It's something she's grappled at for years. She's been angry, she's been sad, she's been frustrated, she's been ambivalent... and at the center of all that. She's been hurt.

I don't blame her. That's a lot to digest.

Her adoption was never a secret in our home. My mother would often say that J was a gift. That she didn't grow in her tummy, but in her heart - where it mattered most. My parents applied for adoption at the beginning of 1978 and 9 months later, they got a call that a baby girl with dark hair and chubby cheeks was ready to come home. They set her in a wrapped box under the tree that Christmas.

This might be why "blood" means nothing to me.
J is my sister. She's the only thing I've known. She's mine and I'm hers.

We had each other's back during our childhood.
And still today. And always.

So today, as I wade through my feelings (there are many), I find myself genuinely excited for this new relationship she is forming. I am very aware that my little family world could and will change, but I am not scared. God works ALL things for the good of those who love Him and I know He's got this journey and I know He loves me and my family.

J's birth mom did one of the most selfless things imaginable. Her heartache 37 years ago is nothing I could ever understand. I am forever thankful to her and I love her heart.

I wonder what the world would look like...

I wonder what the world would look like if instead of judging others failures, our hearts truly broke for the struggle they have endured. I wonder what the world would look like if we stopped delighting in pushing people down and instead clamored to them with healing words and open arms. I wonder what the world would look like if we stopped being so selfish and selfcentered and we started to look beyond our little world and into the world of others.

I wonder what the world would look like if we were so much more like Him and a lot less like each other.

4 Years of Wedded Bliss

It's been nearly a month since we celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary.

4 years. It's incredible to me how completely and totally blessed I am to be married to you. It's sort of ridiculous how often I hold my breath and think about our family, our marriage, our lives. I honestly didn't realize how completely and totally beautiful marriage could be until I married you. We are drenched in His goodness and we are both very aware of how good we've got it.

You are a strong and steady human being.
You love me right where I'm at. No need to fake it - you see through to my heart.
You are honest and you shoot it straight.
You truly are my partner in every aspect of my life.

It's not always roses and butterflies, is it? We've had some doozy of arguments and we know which buttons to press and just how to press them, but in the end commitment wins. In the end, we come back to one another, choosing love above all else and moving forward with lessons and tools and our hearts very much intact. Because that's what love does. That's what His grace does. That's what we choose to do.

I love you, B. (and I will always love you more.)
Marie

Peace and Faith

Our youngest little dude has contracted Meningitis. Don't look it up. It's not really anything a mom wants to read.

We've had tons of visitors and messages and love shared with us. It's been a beautiful display of what God's children are really about. I've had lots of people ask me if I'm ok - if I'm REALLY ok. And I am. I really am. I feel the same way as when my dad was battling cancer.

Peace.

Weird, huh? Not so much. As I sit here next to my baby's bed, watching the harsh antibiotics be pushed into his body, I have a total sense of peace - because I know that without a doubt, God is the ultimate ruler of this world and of my life and I trust Him completely. He's got this and because of this, I don't have to.

Faith.

Your life, my blessing

It's funny where we have our conversations. Rarely in a conventional spot. 

These conversations were no different.

I asked a lot of questions and you answered them all - you added the detail I was looking for and the history my heart craved.

You lived a life before me. Before mom. Before Northern Ontario. 

You lived a life of farming, of logging, of mischief making. You lived a life, I thirst to know. To live through your stories.

In knowing your stories, your history- I feel closer to you. I will carry the stories you shared with me in my heart, forever giving me a more well rounded view of the man I first loved. 

My love and respect grew that much more during my little "interrogation". You, Papa, are truly a remarkable human being.

Je t'aime fort fort plus que tout les nuages.

xo

My News Feed and my Heart

I took Facebook off of my phone yesterday.
It's almost not fun anymore to scroll through my news feed.
People want to argue about something. People want to sell you something. People want to stir something up for the sake of stirring it. And to me, it's like a train wreck - I watch it all in awe but I'm terribly disturbed by it.

Dude.
I just want to look at pictures of your family. I want to hear funny stuff about your kids or your latest adventures.
Really. That's it.

I love you all. Really. Like a ton.
And because of that my heart aches, literally aches, when I scroll through and all I see is hate and finger pointing.

I don't like conflict. For a country who demands tolerance, who claims injustices and who wants to end judgement... well, look at my Facebook news feed and let me know how that's working out.

So while Facebook and other social media cools off, I'll be over in my corner praying and grieving for a world that is stumbling.

I remember

I don't remember details about my childhood, but I remember lots of little things that, as an adult I can see were monumental in the person I am. In digging deeper into my memories, I can see that those memories have etched themselves in my head and steer my choices in how I behave, who I am.

I think about my kids and the memories they are forming.
What will they remember about their childhood?
What memories will they carry into their adult lives?
How will their past dictate their future?

I pray with my whole heart that they take my failures and my struggles as a human being, a child of God, and that they remember that I tried hard to be my best in the midst of uncertainty. That they load my parenting up with grace and mercy. That they take the hurts of their childhood and find peace and growth in them. That when they look on their childhood, they see the dozens of people who have loved them through their own hurts and brokeness. That they choose to cling to the giggles and sweet memories and let go of the sporadic sadnesses.

I remember when my mom would sit up in a corner in my room and have me rest on her, all night long, while I struggled with yet another asthma attack.
I remember when my dad drove all night long so that when I opened my eyes early in the morning I would find him next to my hospital bed, holding my hand.
I remember our house being open to everyone and it being filled with laughter and friends.
I remember going to the cottage every weekend, exploring islands and imaging a life secluded from the world.
I remember my parents being in my biggest champions.

I remember a childhood of love and I pray my children feel the same.

Family

I love this family.

I love those words.
I love the kiddo who says it.
I completely agree.

We love being together. We would rather be together than be apart.
That's pretty special, huh?

It might be just be a phase... it might not be.
I love us too.

Blessings and Choices

I am blessed.
I am so aware of my blessing and I am confident in the provider of my blessings.

There are times when B and I lay in bed at night talking about how completely undeserving we are of all the blessings we have.

It's not the talk of "stuff" that consumes our chatter but of the love we feel for one another, respect we have in our family, peace that fills the walls of our home and the hope we have in Christ.

We are still messy people with messy sins and an unending list of things we need to work on and I could get caught up in that. I could get caught up in the messiness and my failures and B's failures and our kids and their struggles.

My world fell apart and I don't have any false ideas that it won't again. I will pass through more low valleys and I will struggle and fall and fail and stink through it. But I will forever cling to His love and grace for me. Life is full of valleys. Low, low, low ones. Ones that make you question your every decision, but through each one of those, there's a lesson. There's a ray of sun, there's a hope like no other.

I will choose to live in the comfort of His arms and I will rest my head on His promises and I will choose my thoughts and I will choose my actions and I will choose Him and He will choose me.

Having hope will give you courage.
You will be protected and will rest in safety.
You will lie down unafraid,
and many will look to you for help.

Job 11:18-19

Sin Filled World

I'm not sure why terrorists feel the need to travel thousands of miles or find US traders to execute their plans of mass terror and death. We do that ourselves really well.

Don't they see that Americans kill Americans... all the time. Many. There were a total of 14,827 reported murder and non-negligent manslaughter cases in the U.S. in 2012.

I'm pretty sure that at the end of 2015, that number will be much higher.

When our wants become greater than our needs, we turn on each other.
When grace is easily accepted but not returned, our hearts grow cold.
When our entertainment is filled with messages of self and instant gratification, our minds grow numb.
When we push God out of everything that doesn't align with our selfish wants, our society becomes what it is.

This country wasn't the only thing based on Biblical principles, the world was. Who decided killing, stealing, adultery, violence, and more wasn't ok? When did the world decide those things were not ok? They haven't been since the start of humanity. Who told us, hid the truth in our heart? Our Savior did.
Without His Truth, without His guidance, everything is up for grabs. 

Broken is Broken

So there we are, getting ready for bed last night, watching a reality show about a pastor trying to rescue women out of sex trafficking (if you knew B, you'd know this is right up his alley - he's a realist married to a dreamer... what a match). During the course of the show, some women say they want to leave the life and some decide they don't or can't. And B turns to me and says "But who's helping the pimps?".

That right there, is his heart.

Would I have thought about the sick men controlling these women? No.
But he does. Because he sees them as sick as well, but heart sick, soul sick... not disgusting sick.

His words changed my perspective...

Broken is broken, regardless of how it manifests itself.

Surrender once more.

It doesn’t matter what life throws at you: divorce, adultery, medical problems, financial ruin, addiction. It doesn’t matter whether the storm was heaped on you by someone else or by your own acts of disobedience. The only thing that matters is what you do with what life gives you. No matter what the situation, God can—and will—redeem it for His glory. You must simply choose to surrender to the Resurrection and the Life.

You know when you feel convicted about things?

I've felt it a lot lately. Little things, medium things, big things... The Holy Spirit is working hard on me and I know the answer to His push... surrender.

I only notice I've put me ahead of Him when I realize I need to lay it down and surrender... once more.

Here we go again.

Who Would You Save?

You asked me a question the other night before we jetted off to another baseball practice.

"I'm going to put you on the spot. Because you only have two arms... if the three of us were in terrible danger and you could only save two, who would it be?"

Interesting... since I've thought of this before. I think every mother does. But yours isn't a typical question and we both know it... you followed it up by pointing at the other two and saying "I know it would be them."

This question didn't faze me or cause me anxiety (you guys can throw out some doozies!). I answered honestly.

"I would save you all and give myself as a sacrifice or jump to my death to save you."

That's the truth. I love you all more than any of you can comprehend. But let's be honest - this wasn't a clean question... this one had tons of dirty little tenticles of doubt and hurt and insecurities. This one was deep.

You, sweet child, are one of the most amazing gifts God has given me. I don't pretend to be what I'm not, but I give you my word that every fiber of my being would fight to the death for you - for your soul, for your heart, and for your head. You own a big chunk of my heart. Don't let biology mess with your head.

Robert

Robert died on Sunday.

I'm filled with a bittersweet feeling. Sad and happy all at once.

Robert was a big part of my childhood, my friends knew him well and knew we could count on him to be the "dad" when playing house... my teen years were touched by his messages on my answering machine, singing to me the latest popular country song. And as an adult, our Facebook messages would be ones of encouragement to him, raising him up on his sad days and talking about nothing and everything on other days.

My aunt and uncle lost their oldest son. The one they've been caring for for the past 40 years. His health concerns being at the forefront of their minds every single day. The next steps. The best way to control the seizures. Keeping his young spirit in line with his aging body. The fall was unavoidable and one where he would never regain his step.

Robert battled a lot of physical and mental challenges throughout his 40 years of life but he never noticed it. What we saw as a battle, he saw as a journey. With his guitar, his music, his silly jokes and pure heart, he plowed forward. Never knowing a stranger and loving everyone, he was the example of how uncomplicated life should be and how completely messy we make it.

There is no doubt in my mind that Robert is with Jesus today. And that's what fills me with joy. He's playing guitar, hugging everyone he meets in Heaven and is free of pain.

This Easter I plan on honoring Robert's life by recreating our childhood tradition. I'll be rocking out to the Beach Boys and "surfing" on my rocking chair.

Je t'aime!

Career and Anxiety

This past month has been difficult. Like really really hard.

I had to take a good long hard look at my career and figure out its direction. In the last nearly 16 years, I've never done that. I've just kind of floated and landed in some pretty amazing spots. It's actually a bit embarrassing to say I have never put much thought in it - I basically just work hard and whatever happened, happened.

But this past month things have been floating around that have made me have to make choices. Hard choices. Choices that have made me sleep deprived and working harder.

I've learned a lot about myself through it. I've learned a lot about God through it too. But mostly, I learned a lot about my family. They have been the most supporting and loving bunch through my crazyness. They've loved on me. Gave me hugs. Sent me encouraging texts. Told me they are proud of me. Laughed at my ridiculous anxiety (I did too!) and just loved on me.

So it's over now. And I'm at peace. And all is well.
I look back on this path month and I see the journey and as much as I love a good lesson... I sure am glad this one's been taught!

Love, Books, and Pizza

We celebrated Valentine's Day last night with a love filled family dinner and sweets. Interestingly enough, I haven't been a huge fan of Valentine's Day because I love to just love on people all year round, but it's also fun to go overboard one day per year.

We've done this for the past 3 years, but I really feel like last night was the best one we've had by far.

I searched through Pinterest for lots of fun ideas and I found a ton... I picked out a few that I liked (decorations, drinks, activity) and we went with it.

We had pink soda, heart shaped pizza, and ice cream sundays... and tons and tons of chocolate.
By far our favorite thing was our "Love Book".

Earlier this week, I gave each member 5 pieces of paper that said "I love you because..." and they filled in the rest for each family member. I tried to lay low on the instructions but I tried to guide by saying this should be about the person and their qualities, not about you or how they make you feel.

SUCCESS!!!

Our household ages range from 8 to 71 and everyone loved reading what we loved most about them. I actually got a few "We need to do this again next year!" comments. That my friends, is a success in my book.

What do you do for Valentine's Day?

Love Notes

I've been writing a note to the 5 peeps I share a home with for the past 9 days. I intend to go all the way through to 14th (Valentine's Day).

I did something very similar last year and the kids loved it. This year I added my mother-in-law and husband to the mix.

These notes take just a few moments but they reset my mind and heart. I try my best to write things that are specifically for that person. As the days go by and I continue to write the notes, I have been thinking more and more about the legacy I will leave and the way I live now.

How will they remember me?
How are my words helping them?
Do they know just how much they are loved and treasured?
Do they know that their worth is not based on what I think or you think or what they think? That's its based on what He thinks - and he thinks greatly of them.

I wonder if I'm making every single second of my time with them and here on earth count for something.

Maybe these little notes mean nothing to them... but for now, I'm going to believe they penetrate their hearts because they penetrate mine.

She slept less in order to love more

My Peanut got some pretty nasty scraps and cuts last night when he and the road met (ouch!). It was yucky and bloody and pretty painful. I cleaned it, put some ointment on it (all 4 areas), bandaged him up, and gave him some meds.

When he got me up at 1:30am because of the pain, we did the process over again; clean, ointment, bandage, Ibuprofen and I tucked him back in.

Before I fell asleep again, my thoughts drifted to my own mom and the nights she would sit in my bed, in a corner of the wall, holding me up against her chest so my asthma attack would lessen. She would go to work the next day and I never heard a complaint.

Hours and hours, and night and nights she rocked me, held me, wiped up my puke, wiped my tears, rubbed my back, sewed little tiny sparkles to my skating dresses... My mom was in the PTA, part of the Figure Skating Club, she fought for the things that would affect me as a student, as a girl, and as woman.

She was strict. Like really strict. And through that she taught me how to clean (like really clean), manners, me how to cook, responsibility, a work ethic,  money management, and so much more. But my very favorite, is how to love.

My mom and I may not see eye-to-eye on everything, but the one thing we agree on is that above all else, loving your children is the most important thing you can do as a mom.

Mom, thank you for all the big things and all the little things that I never noticed (and might not remember). You are a wonderful parent and you have impacted my life in a positive and fruitful way. I love you more than the whole wide world and back again!

Life List Update

I posted this over 3 years ago (nearly 4!) and I am continually working on scratching things off. It takes time and patience and through the process, I realize that my goals have changed, my heart is molded to new thoughts, new hopes and dreams. How blessed I am.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark Twain

Here are 50+ things I'd like to do in my lifetime. Goofy, serious, or just plain crazy - it's my life and I only get to live it once.

1. Swim with dolphins
2. Visit every State (USA)...
3. ...and Province (Canada)
4. Spend some time under the Tuscan sun
5. Rock my grandchildren to sleep
6. Own a forever home
7. Scuba dive
8. Spend an entire summer in Wawa
9. Go to Disney World with the kiddos
10. Take a cruise
11. Create life
12. Throw a giant just-because party for my friends and family
13. Take a dance class
14. Take a "girlfriends only" trip
15. Get paid to do what I love
16. Refinish a piece of furniture
17. Make some one's dream come true
18. Experience Mardi Gras in New Orleans
19. Be able to see my abs
20. Take a photography class
21. Anonymously pay for some one's groceries
22. Witness a birth
23. Make pasta from scratch
24. Make and can jam
25. Write a book
26. See a Broadway show
27. Attend a Country Living Antique Fair
28. Grow/maintain a vegetable garden
29. Spend 3 months doing missionary work abroad
30. Lead someone to Christ
31. Lead a "green" life
32. Take one shopping trip that mimics the people from "Extreme Couponing"
33. See a professional ballet performance
34. Learn to surf
35. Visit the holy land
36. Climb an active volcano
37. Ride in a hot air balloon
38. Inspire someone
39. Visit the Grand Canyon
40. Learn to make pottery
41. Get a college degree
42. Build a Habitat for Humanity Home
43. Be an extra in a movie
44. Consistently send birthday cards to my loved ones + on time
45. Skinny dip in an ocean
46. Ride on a sail boat
47. See Bon Jovi in concert
48. Understand politics
49. Do a somersault on a trampoline
50. Love to wear swimsuits
51. Have an office/craft room
52. Run a half marathon
53. Go on an African safari
54. Write an article for a magazine
55. Retire comfortably
56. Live as a vegetarian for 1 month
57. Speak at a Christian women's event
58. Do the rip cord at an amusement park

I cried.

I don't watch the news.
I don't search for it on the internet.
I've tried to be more aware. I really have. But I can't.

I get emails from FaithIt.com and those keep me up to speed on the good in the world.
B is the one who keeps me somewhat aware of the other stuff. He keeps it to a minimum, shielding me from most of it.

Sometimes the tiny pieces of the wrong pile up and then... I cry. Last night, I cried over the cancer taking over my friend's great-niece. I cried over the woman at church who lost her baby 30 minutes after birth. I cried over the broken relationships surrounding me. I cried over the man who was burned alive by ISIS. I cried.

I cried. I read my Bible. I lay there silent, taking it in. I cried over what we are losing because of our sins and the sins around us. I cried because sometimes, you do it all right, and still it's all wrong.

He is coming back. He will right all the wrongs. He will save us from ourselves.
He is my shelter.

The Couch of Moments

We've been in our home for 1.5 years now and we've done quite a bit. Lots of painting and updating of lights, etc.., it's been fun. We hadn't bought any furniture since we really didn't need anything right away. B's mom moved in with us and brought her own furniture. There was one room that I'd been chomping at the bit to work in... the living room.

We put our couch in the basement for the kids to wreck use and we put J's in the living room. It wasn't purchased for a family of 6... and so it was small. A small couch. So we couldn't all sit on it... and it wasn't comfy or the type you can sprawl all over. So we did it. We bought a big comfy couch (was there some kind of kid show called that?).

Last night as R and I were snuggled next to B, and A was snuggled next to me... (so in essence, we were all snuggled up)... A looked around and said "This is the perfect couch for us."

It's not about the "stuff" - trust me, I get that. But it sure is nice when the "stuff" helps create the "moments". It was nice to all be together. All snuggled up, comfy, watching a re-run. Creating a moment on our very big, grey couch.

Learning

I'm laying in bed while B naps... the electric blanket is on "10", doing a little work, doing a little surfing and doing a lot of relaxing.

I'm gearing up for another busy week at work and as my mind starts shuffling through my to-do list, I'm taking a moment for me. To read blogs, to watch him sleep, to lay here.

It's wonderful and horrendous at the same time. My "Type A" mind is running through my endless to-do list but my heart and soul are relishing the moment.

Melting away my have-to's is a goal of mine for 2015... well... it's been a goal for many, many years but as I get older, I'm learning... sssslllllllooooooowwwwwlllllyyyyy... but it's still happening.

To be present. To enjoy laying here. Listening to the pattern of his breathing. Feeling his hand on my leg. Getting lost in my own thoughts.

The Fog

I just had lunch with a friend... I feel I can say "friend" now because she now knows a lot about my junk and that to me means, she's a part of my story.

As we talked, we got deep into our junky past. My heart is filled with a bit of anxiety. That stuff is hard to re-live but re-living it is really the only way to work through it. As we talked, I realized that that part of my life seems foggy. My memories are alive and clear, but I can now see that my life was lived in a fog of that made my reality.

A reality that I forced to be true in order to find a good solid normal. Looking back, I can see the triggers, but during that journey it all seemed ok. I was a mouse in a maze and my maze was good... until it wasn't.

I'd like to think that now my life is clear and bright but I know it's still just a fog and... in ten years I will look back again and see my mistakes. See my reality in a different way. A more mature, more peaceful way. I will see the off ramps I could have taken and didn't, I will understand my consequences, and I will cherish the lessons.

Love

"... right now your tired and emotional and you shouldn't make any decisions. Just roll over and I'll rub your back."

And that, is one of the many reasons why I love him.

Ringing in the New Year {2015}

I realize it's been 9 days since the beginning of 2015. I realize that my head is full of things to document on my blog and I haven't done much about it. But what I also realize is that I'm trying to be kinder to my Type A self and so I'm going with it... 9 days after the start of 2015, I'm blogging about it because I want the memories etched in my mind for a very long time and writing them out is the best way I know how.

Back in November I brought it up. I told him I wanted to invite a few people over for the New Year cause I wanted to do something fun this year. Typically, the kids invite a friend, they do their thing and I work on church stuff while B sleeps next to me. Not this year. No way. I want to PARTY! Or at least play games and see the time change.

So he obliged.
B is not one for big parties or loud rompus, so this my friends, was a big deal.
My "few" friends turned into 30+ people... whateves - it was a blast!

B organized a ping pong championship, the girls played the largest game of Apple-to-Apples ever (14 players?!), we talked, we ate a ton and we laughed even more.

Just before the clock changed to midnight, I pulled out the pots and pans and wooden spoons and the kids headed out on the deck to ring it in, the old fashion way. They giggled and laughed and banged just as hard as they could. And when they were in the midst of popping poppers and snapping snappers, B hollered at me by the patio door and I sneaked over we kissed just a minute into the new year.

It was wonderful.
I can't wait to do it again this year!

Under Construction Once Again

Lately I feel like I've been failing much more than I'm victorious.

This happens every time I make a valiant effort to grow my relationship with Christ. Every.single.time.

My growth period is hard, folks.

I'm snappy. I'm sappy. I'm a little bit of a mess.
But I love it.

It just means that Satan knows I'm rocking it. Knows I'm doing His will and he's mad about it.
Tough nuggets.

Since going to therapy I'm all about analogies these days - (did you know most men understand more with analogies then long drawn out words about feelings?) so right now I feel like I'm in an egg and I'm slowly outgrowing it. Soon, I will hatch. And soon my soul will be a bit more whole and the lesson God is teaching me will be pressed into my heart and I will be a better follower.

I will. And it will rock.
But until then, you're all stuck with the sappy and snappy.