I am blank because...

I am weird because...
If I don't clean the bathrooms on and every Saturday, I feel off.
I start my shopping in the sales section of every store, and most times I never leave that section.
My cell phone does nothing but call and text (no data plan) and you have to press buttons to use it.
I have a thing for smells. I will sniff until I figure out where the smell comes from and what it is.
I sleep walk when I'm overwhelmed or worried.
I love pre-teen Disney movies (Hannah Montana, High School Musical, etc...).
I have an eraser collection.

I am a bad friend because...
I'm horrible at keeping in touch.
I forget birthdays.
I'm not a very good gift giver.
I always say what I’m thinking.

I am a good friend because...
I want to see those I love succeed.
I love and cherish friendship.
You can show up at my house at midnight to talk about your bad day.
I’m not afraid to get silly and slap happy.
I always say what I’m thinking.

I am sad because...
I haven't seen my family in 1.5 years.
My daddy fought a cancer and lost his bladder, prostate and rectum.
I can't do it all and I know it.

I am happy because...
I'm in love with my husband, my kids, my life.
My daddy fought cancer and he won.
I'm saved.
I feel completely satisfied.

I am excited because...
My future is bright.
Winter cuddling.
Jesus' birthday is coming!
Movie watching.
Family time.
Holiday parties.
Dressing up.

I can breath now

What makes you, you?
What stirs life inside of you?

I know what those things are for me. Crafts, baking, playing with the boys, laughing with girlfriends, cuddling with my not-so-cuddly hubby, embracing nature (walk, hike, swim), lunches with friends, worshiping loudly (alone!), taking pictures, running, and watching movies...

I know what those things are for me. I know what rejuvenates my spirit. So why don't I do it as much as I should or need to? Why do I let myself feel completely depleted and wondering where "I" have gone? Because I'm not a priority for me. Because thinking of me first is selfish. Isn't it?

But then I do it. I take that step. I craft or I hit the movies (by myself) or whatever, but I do it. I do it because there's a voice screaming inside my head that I need something and pouring myself over others is not it. I do it. I take the couple of hours and I do it. And I feel like a part of me has just woken up from a deep nap. I feel like myself. I feel a peace, a calm that's been missing because... let's face it, when you are doing for everyone there's little time for peace and calm.

Why do I feel so guilty when all I want to do is Tons of other women do and do and do for others and they don't need this special time. Or do they? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe those women feel the same way I do. Or maybe they don't. Does it matter?

I need my oxygen. I need the mask before I can help you with yours.
I put the mask on first... and now I'm ready to put yours, and yours, and yours, and yours on next...
Cause I can breath now.
Can you?

Consequences

After I divorced, it seemed many thought I had become an expert in the subject matter. Married women who struggled in their marriages asked me what divorce was like, mulling over the possibility in their minds. A possibility of an "out", a way to make life easier.

There is nothing about divorce that is "easy". In fact divorce complicates everything. I'm not an expert and I never want to be an expert in this subject matter. I don't know everything about divorce but there are some things I do know for sure:

I know that:

• I hate "sharing" kids.
• I will never get used to dropping off and picking up the boys so that they can see their father. It feels weird and wrong.
• I don't like that my kids have two homes.
• Having a different last name than my kids is confusing for them, their schools, their friends and makes the kids and I feel a little more disconnected.
• Holidays are not traditional, they are a series of scheduled days to share holiday experiences with each parent.
• Having to live life and then recount basic information to the other parent about their own children feels wrong, because it is wrong.
• The feeling I am left with when the boys are with their dad and I am living my life without them for the weekend is empty and gross.
• Trying to find an even footing with the other parent isn't easy. You aren't a true team anymore and so it can feel like it's every man/woman for himself/herself.
• I hate that regardless of how much time has past, the scars of divorce on the boys, myself and my new family are visible and prominent.

I'm remarried, to a wonderful man whom I love dearly. We are creating, what I believe to be, a beautiful blended family. I made the best choice for me and I believe, for the boys, when I chose divorce. I did not make the choice lightly, but in all honesty, I made the choice not understanding the full consequences of my actions, just as I didn't fully understand the consequences of marriage or having children or whatever other decision I have made in the past and will continue to make.

There's a reason why God hates divorce. God says "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. ~ Matthew 19:6". God does nothing for nothing. There's always a reason for what He asks of us, always. We don't know the consequences, but God does.

I did the very best that I knew when I filed for divorce nearly 2 years ago. I knew then and I know now, God's views on divorce. Still, in my brokenness He continues to bless me. He takes my brokenness, He takes all the difficult, ugly consequences of divorce and He allows those things to help me grow not only as a mom and a woman but as His child.

I pray daily that the boys and A know that we love them. We ALL love them - bios and bonus parents, we love them with everything in us. I pray that through our pain, our mistakes they'll see our reliance on Christ and His promises... because in the end, that's all we have to save us from our consequences.

Thanksgiving top 15

1. Who do I appreciate? God, B, the boys, my family and friends.

2. How am I fortunate? How am I not fortunate? I am blessed beyond belief. I have so much more than so many, not only material but mental and spiritual buckets are full beyond belief.

3. What material possessions am I thankful for? My car, my home, my phone, my computer.

4. What abilities do I have that I'm grateful for? I am very organized, stubborn

5. What about my surroundings (home/neighborhood/city/etc.) am I thankful for? I love where I live. I love the school district, I love the location, I love the resources that are available to me.

6. What experiences have I had that I am grateful for? Growing up in small down Canada. It's beauty, closeness, experiences...

7. What happened today/yesterday/this week/this month/this year that I am grateful for? So many. I got married, my dad fought and beat cancer, I gained a bonus daughter, the boys are growing physically and spiritually every single day, I've grown closer to my family, I've started letting old wounds heal...

8. What opportunities do I have that I am thankful for? My job has afforded me many opportunities in my professional growth. Because of those opportunities I've been able to also have personal growth.

9. What have others in my life done that I am thankful for? Forgiven me. I'm a mess and I say and do the wrong things all the time. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing.

10. What have others done that I am benefiting from in my life (even if I don't know who those people are)? Christ died for me. That says it all.

11. What relationships am I thankful for? My husband, B. We are both very stubborn people who know exactly how we want things done... but during these past 4 months I've learned a lot about love, acceptance and who I am because of his love, acceptance and independence.

12. What am I taking for granted that, if I stop to think about it, I am grateful for? Indoor plumbing. Seriously. Thank you God!

13. What is there about the challenges/difficulties I have experienced (or am currently experiencing) that I can be thankful for? Divorce. It taught me what I'm truly made of. It put all my faults and strengths in the forefront and I had to use those to move forward.

14. What is different today than it was a year ago that I'm thankful for? Today, I feel more stable in all aspects of my life... and we all know how much I love stability.

15. What insights have I gained that I am grateful for? A few people had told me that once you reach 30, you just don't care what people think anymore. I'm not sure if that's an age thing or just a wisdom thing... or maybe both. But that's where I am. I've gained self assurance. Of course I still struggle with it, but not as much and for not as long. I am who I am. I stand firmly on my foundation that is built on Christ and my faith in him.

Blessings

I was having a frustrating day last week.

I was irritated with everything about apartment living.
... the neighbors and their noise.
... the broken alcohol bottle I found outside that day.
... the out of control neighbor kids.
... the vomit outside that belongs to the partying kids in the unit over.
... the lack of storage.
... the tiny space.
... the carpet I can't keep clean.
... the really bad workmanship seen throughout the apartment.
... I can't paint or really make it "my own"... cause it's not mine.

All these things had me feeling bummed out. I was walking the dog, and talking to God about how much I really wasn't enjoying this apartment life anymore. 3 kids, 2 adults, one dog and a Gecko in 1000 square feet - a mere 200 square feet per person.

As I walked it was clear what God was telling me. I am blessed. Very very blessed. I'm not one to want what others have. I'm not one to keep up with technology. I purchase everything on sale (which means last years fashion). I wear very little makeup and it's not the fancy kind. I purchase cheap shoes because it seems wasteful to buy fancy ones. I'm a pretty simple person.

But I want a home. A place I can call my own where I can nest and love. A place the kids know is permanent and where we have enough room to have people over to fellowship with. I want a place that screams family. A place to minister. A place of our own.

Right now, at this time, I can choose to sit around and dream of a home and feel dissatisfied with what I have, but that is exactly the type of behavior I don't like my kids to exhibit. This is where I am. This is what God has given me. This home. This home full of noise and chaos. This home where food is spilling out so much we had to add more shelves to the laundry area. This home where the carpet is stained because we have lots and lots of shoes that track in the mud from the large open space the kids play in between the complexes. This home where things might not "look" the way I want them to but they function just fine. This home that keeps me protected from the elements (at a cheaper cost than a house would!). A home where my children can see the effects of negligent parents and feel the blessings of theirs. A home where lots and lots of life circumstances are talked and learned about and compassion is shared with neighbors.

Maybe it's not my "ideal" living situation, but it's where God wants me. Maybe it's not "mine" but nothing really is anyway. Today God has me where He wants me, where I need to be in order for Him to teach me, to love me, to guide me into whatever future is in store for me.

And anyway... who am I to tell God that I want different blessings than the ones He chose for me??

Letter 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear reflection,

When I see you I don't cringe like I used to. We're both happy about that one. :)

 I'm not looking at the outer shell the way I used to. Don't get me wrong... there's always room for improvement, but it's the shell I presently have that daily reminds me of my beautiful, blessed life.

• The stretch marks from carrying three babies and delivering two healthy ones.
• The scar on my chest that indicates a clean biopsy.
• The ring on my left hand reminds me that God gives second chances at love.
• The creases around my eyes from having a life full of laughter.
• A long scar on my left hip left by a very awesome doctors who helped heal my hip disease.
• The extra junk in the trunk that indicates wonderful food and fellowship I share with some amazing people.
• The newly sprouting "tinsel" in my hair that remind me of my parents and the genes they've passed on.
• The scars behind my ears from the cosmetic surgery that helped raise my self esteem.

Quite honestly, this shell, the reminders of those blessings and many more have made me more more attractive over the years. Attractive not because of the physical, but because of the emotional. Because of the shell is an outside indication of an inward change and growth.

You, my reflection in the mirror reflects my physical self... but my physical self reflects my heart.
Love,
You

A decade

My sweet little Peanut,

Today, you reach a pretty big milestone. 10 years old. A decade. It's hard for me to really absorb that.  It seems like just yesterday I was watching my belly in the bathtub as you hiccuped for what seemed like 100th time that day. It was such a silly thing to watch but I couldn't stop. You amazed me then as you do now.

This past year you seem to care more and more about "being cool" and about what your friends think. You want to be accepted. We all do. As a mom, your protector, I want to walk on every journey you take throughout the days and repeat to you over and over again how wonderful, awesome, sweet and cool you are. Not just because I'm your mom but because it's true.

My favorite moments with you are when I lay down with you at night before you fall asleep and you open your heart and share about all things relevant and irrelevant - you just share. I leave you amazed at the conversations with have whether it be the Holocaust or a conversation you had with a friend - you really make me think. My sweet baby. You have a heart of gold. You love with all your heart. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You have a giving gentle heart.

But you're also all boy. There's nothing like football, a good war story, guns or a "fart" that gets your attention quickly. You think everything about the human body is hysterical and you'll make up all kinds of gross and disgusting stories about whatever pops into your mind.

I love you more (I always will!),
Mom
xo

Letter 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

I like to think I'm pretty transparent. But I haven't always been.

There was a time when I hid some things, little things because I didn't want to disappoint or upset my loved ones. I've learned that the most disappointing thing is to know someone you love is hurting and you didn't know a thing about it.

So now. I work towards being an open book.
Whether you want to hear it or not.

Letter 28 — Someone that changed your life

Although I've never met you in person, you live with me. You walk beside me. You laugh with me. Cry with me. Hold my heart. My soul. You know my thoughts... all of them. You hear my worries and fears. You love me despite my flaws. You died for me.

You who is perfect and true. You who didn't judge. You who loved everyone. You who suffered silently. For me. For my sins. For my judgement. For my failures. You died for me. You saved me. You changed my life.

You show me through your Book, your hope, your grace and your passion for me what love is truly about. You've changed my perspective. You've changed my heart. You've changed my soul. You've changed my life.

Thank you, Jesus.
I love you.
me

Letter 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Dear stranger...

I'm not sure who you are and honestly I've forgotten what you look like, but I remember your words. I remember your encouragement.

I was sitting in a Northwest Airlines plane headed back to Canada after a wonderful visit with my boyfriend. I was crying in the seat wondering when we'd see each other again and wondering what our future would look like.

You. When most people turn away from those who are crying or stressed, you turned to me and let me talk about my grief. You listened like a friend and not like a grown up... you listened, patted my hand and gave me sweet words of encouragement.

Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. Thank you for turning towards me and comforting me... a stranger.

Your kindness touched my heart then and it still does now... 14 years later.
Renee

Letter 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Dear C... it wasn't exactly a pinky promise but a promise of dreams.

We'd go to the same college. Live in the same dorm. Eat the same foods. Date the same kind of guys. Go to the same parties. Wear the same clothes.

Teenage dreams. I made a different choice, one that ended those promises. Those dreams.

I often wonder "what if" but neither one of us lives in that world. We live in this one. One where those promises were broken and new ones made.

Thanks for being so sweet and supportive...
Thanks for letting me break those pinky promises.
I love you,
Ren

I get it

This isn't about money. It may seem that way to you, but it's not. I could care less who is more financially responsible for them. I'll do it all, that's not an issue, it's never been. I get that you feel that now that my financial situation has changed that that should somehow benefit you. It doesn't.

This has to do with your unwillingness to accept responsibility for anything. For life. For choices. For you.

From where I stand, I see someone who would rather blame the world than to look inside himself. Then again, it might be easier that way. It seems to me that it's also easier for you to lash out at me when things seem to get out of hand.

I get that you're frustrated with your situation. I get that you are scared. I get that you never thought things would happen like this. I get that I get that you feel alone. I get that you struggle with feelings of jealousy. I get that you feel lost. And I can't begin to tell you how sad it makes me. But I can't be your punching bag.

I am praying that God gives me a clear understanding of what my role is in this (if any). I pray that you'll find the peace you're looking for, because it's not going to come financially, it's bigger than that. I pray that this cycle will end and we can focus on the important stuff. And I pray that I learn to hang up the phone before things get out of hand. And I pray that we'll find a balance soon.

Letter 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Dear Mom and Dad,

It's almost been a year since Dad's surgery. It's been an intense year with ups and downs and more downs followed by a few more ups.

Who knew cancer would hit our family? My daddy? He's always been so healthy and has always been in good shape - most 20 year olds would have loved a body like his! :)

But then cancer hit our family, like it does millions of others. It's different when it's yours though... because, it's personal. The future is uncertain for everyone, but when cancer takes a hold, it seems it makes life's uncertainties more obvious.

You're marriage has had it's ups and downs and I'm sure, it will continue. But this last year has really given me a true respect for you both and your commitment to one another. Sure, you've both gotten down, depressed, angry, frustrated, but you've managed to lift one another up. That's a beautiful thing.

I pray that you continue to find strength in one another and our Heavenly Father as you continue this fight, together. I may be a thousand miles away but know that I carry you in my heart, my mind and soul, daily.

Je vous aime,
votre bebe... Renee

Letter 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Dear sweet baby boys... yes, you'll remain that way for the rest of your lives.

You are my favorite memories by far.
I loved carrying you for 9+ months.
I loved feeling you move, hiccup, and kick.
I loved the way my belly looked.
I loved knowing that a little miracle was growing inside of me.
I loved the day of your birth.
I loved the amazing feeling of pushing you out and into this world. It was a moment of awe that I will never forget.
I loved seeing you as you laid on my chest all prune like and new.
I loved hearing you cry (and cry and cry).
I loved holding you for the first time (and the many times after).
I loved nursing you. I miss that.
I loved watching you do absolutely nothing.
I loved and love every single thing about being your mama.

I love you boys so much and you made and continue to make my favorite memories.
Mommy

Letter 23 — The last person you kissed

My sweet little Monkey -

You were the last person I kissed today. This morning as I left for work and I kissed you. I kissed your cheeks and forehead and finally your sweet little lips.

There are mornings that, as I turn to leave, I have to stop myself from running back and stealing more kisses and hugs.

I love that you let me cover you with kisses... I pray hard that you'll let me do it for many many more years. You're 5 and soon you won't let me do that in front of your friends and we'll have to find a "secret" way to say goodbye/I love you... It's part of growing up, a part that I wish would take a little longer to reach.

But for now, I'm going to treasure your sweet, sour, sticky, mucus filled kisses.
I love you Monkey!
Momma

Letter 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

I've thought and thought about this letter... truth is, I give second, third, fourth, fifth and... well a billion chances to people so there's no one person I haven't truly opened my heart to and given them another chance.

Letter 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Dear A -

Yep. I judged you when I first met you.

You. So cool. Calm. Collected. Snotty.
You seem to have it all together and didn't need anything or anyone. You seemed very "uppity"... I couldn't relate.

But... well, then walls came down and you were real and raw and relate able. It turns out, you get nervous when you meet new people and your first instinct is to close up. Defence mechanism maybe? From years of hurts?

I'm so glad I was able to get to know you - the real you. You are so sweet, amazing, beautiful and a screw up, like the rest of us. :) I'm sorry I judged you from very little knowledge of your heart. Trust that we covered this in therapy. ha!

I love you Miss A. I'm glad the real you is part of my life.
Renee

Letter 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear... well, you know who you are...

You broke it. You broke it hard.

My world shattered. Everything I thought was real wasn't.
You devastated me. You broke me. You changed me.

And I want to thank you.

Thank you for loving me when you did. Thank you for giving me two amazing and beautiful children. Thank you for standing by me as I grew. Thank you for dreaming with me. Thank you for laughing with me and thank you for crying with me.

Life has a way, doesn't it? It's not at all how I imagined it to be. Broken. Divorced. Un-trusting. Faith, however... it does have a way of taking the broken, the sick, the helpless and making it new and whole again. God is amazing. God is forgiving. God is real.

So things didn't turn out the way either one of us wanted. The way things ended hurt.
My heart aches for the hurt but it appreciates the lessons it taught. I forgave you a while ago and although I still carry the scars, they not only remind me of the pain that was caused, but the beauty that was found.

I pray you find peace, love and all things beautiful.
Renee