I really thought it would end differently, 2009, I mean. I just finished reading a book, the kids were asleep on time and exhausted... I've stuffed the stockings (family tradition -- stocking on New Year morning) and I'm ready for bed.
It's ending differently then I imagined, but it's ok. It's ending perfectly this way.
2009 has been quite the year, surrounded by people and situations and through it all was I pleaded for some time alone, to ponder and rest. I've got it. Space. Time. Peace.
Goodbye 2009, I thank you for the lessons you've taught me, the millions of laughs you've brought me and the tears you've caught for me. I appreciate it all but I'm ready for a fresh start - bring on 2010!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
June
I remember that night in June like it was yesterday.
I sat in the car in the Save-A-Lot parking lot looking towards the back of the flower shop wondering what in the world had just happened. For the past week we'd been fighting for and against our marriage. I didn't have the entire truth in front of me but I knew something terribly wrong was happening but for that week I couldn't get a hold of what piece of information I was missing. As I drove to the parking lot I felt my mind putting the pieces together. The behavior mimicked the same as the June 3 years before. The accusations the same towards me. Me. Not sure what in the world was happening. Crying over my short comings and blaming myself for not being enough for him, praying that God would show me how. How had I missed it all?
Sitting at the Save-A-Lot I knew I couldn't go through this again. I knew my heart, my body couldn't take this sort of trauma again... This wasn't who I was - who I was raised to be. Where was the strong woman who didn't tolerate disrespect? Where was the woman who knew she could conquer the world, just she and God? Where had I gone?
I called S, because she could get me to regain control of my senses, she always does. She listened, made me find some sort of strength, never pushing or suggesting, just listening. Because that's who she is...
Driving home I felt courageous and strong because that woman I had covered up for a long while was fighting to get out and I let her out for a short moment that night as I talked to him but once he reacted to my choice she was muffled down again... deeper. Scared.
She's coming out again, but she's still pretty frightened. Unpredictability is her worst fear.
I sat in the car in the Save-A-Lot parking lot looking towards the back of the flower shop wondering what in the world had just happened. For the past week we'd been fighting for and against our marriage. I didn't have the entire truth in front of me but I knew something terribly wrong was happening but for that week I couldn't get a hold of what piece of information I was missing. As I drove to the parking lot I felt my mind putting the pieces together. The behavior mimicked the same as the June 3 years before. The accusations the same towards me. Me. Not sure what in the world was happening. Crying over my short comings and blaming myself for not being enough for him, praying that God would show me how. How had I missed it all?
Sitting at the Save-A-Lot I knew I couldn't go through this again. I knew my heart, my body couldn't take this sort of trauma again... This wasn't who I was - who I was raised to be. Where was the strong woman who didn't tolerate disrespect? Where was the woman who knew she could conquer the world, just she and God? Where had I gone?
I called S, because she could get me to regain control of my senses, she always does. She listened, made me find some sort of strength, never pushing or suggesting, just listening. Because that's who she is...
Driving home I felt courageous and strong because that woman I had covered up for a long while was fighting to get out and I let her out for a short moment that night as I talked to him but once he reacted to my choice she was muffled down again... deeper. Scared.
She's coming out again, but she's still pretty frightened. Unpredictability is her worst fear.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Through the windshield
For the past six months (more or less) I've been sitting put. Not looking anywhere but where I am. I'm ready to take the next steps and start moving forward.
Honestly, I was fearing the holidays because in a way it was pushing me forward, making me create new memories with a somewhat "altered" family. I survived. I had moments that didn't feel right or look right but then, what is "right" these days? Two people, in two different circumstances both said to me "I thought things had to be such and such a way, and I realized I was just stuck in my ways. Change is ok." They weren't talking about my situation, but they were right. Change is ok.
The company I work for has gone through some changes recently because of the economic
challenges we are facing and in one of our meetings they said we were done looking at the rear view mirror, looking back on our mistakes, what we should have done, etc... Now we are focusing on the view from the windshield. I'm ready for that!
I'm looking forward to the new year. I always do. There's something about a new year - a new beginning. New resolutions, taking lessons we learned the year before and applying them to the new year. I have a lot planned for 2010 and I'm looking through the windshield this time and I'm excited!
Honestly, I was fearing the holidays because in a way it was pushing me forward, making me create new memories with a somewhat "altered" family. I survived. I had moments that didn't feel right or look right but then, what is "right" these days? Two people, in two different circumstances both said to me "I thought things had to be such and such a way, and I realized I was just stuck in my ways. Change is ok." They weren't talking about my situation, but they were right. Change is ok.
The company I work for has gone through some changes recently because of the economic
challenges we are facing and in one of our meetings they said we were done looking at the rear view mirror, looking back on our mistakes, what we should have done, etc... Now we are focusing on the view from the windshield. I'm ready for that!
I'm looking forward to the new year. I always do. There's something about a new year - a new beginning. New resolutions, taking lessons we learned the year before and applying them to the new year. I have a lot planned for 2010 and I'm looking through the windshield this time and I'm excited!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Expecting an Answer
I miss that feeling. That rush of superhero power I would get when one of my girlfriends or family members would tell me about their problems and I would go into "fix it" mode. That feeling of that I could help those I love with my actions. That I had this huge impact on their lives.
I miss that sometimes.
But in the recent weeks all that has left me. It's a new feeling, a whole new world. I care just the same about my friends and family and their lives. I pray with all my heart that they may be happy and full of life. I want all the same things I've always wanted for them. But I realized that the prayer I prayed for the entire month of November has just been answered.
I prayed everyday for 1 month for something I'd been missing for so long and I didn't take the time to listen to God's response at the end of the month, but I knew in my heart something was different. I realize now that I didn't pray with a response in mind. I just prayed because I knew I needed it, I just didn't believe, truly believe, He would answer. And He did. Thank you, God!
Today I don't feel the need to save my loved ones from the consequences of their choices. Today I want to assist God, I just don't want to try and take His job. Today I know I am filled with peace.
I miss that sometimes.
But in the recent weeks all that has left me. It's a new feeling, a whole new world. I care just the same about my friends and family and their lives. I pray with all my heart that they may be happy and full of life. I want all the same things I've always wanted for them. But I realized that the prayer I prayed for the entire month of November has just been answered.
I prayed everyday for 1 month for something I'd been missing for so long and I didn't take the time to listen to God's response at the end of the month, but I knew in my heart something was different. I realize now that I didn't pray with a response in mind. I just prayed because I knew I needed it, I just didn't believe, truly believe, He would answer. And He did. Thank you, God!
Today I don't feel the need to save my loved ones from the consequences of their choices. Today I want to assist God, I just don't want to try and take His job. Today I know I am filled with peace.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
An Apology for the Word Vomit
I know people don't mean it because I say things all the time without thinking -- I like to call it "word vomit". Anyway, still... it makes me wonder how many things I've said that I didn't really think about before saying.
As I was leaving for lunch yesterday I walked out with a work acquaintance. I asked how her Christmas shopping was going and she was obviously having a hard time in her marriage right now and it came down to money and spending habits. Ok, I got that. I sympathized. Money is a HUGE issue and she looks over at me and she says "Sometimes I wish I was in your situation. I mean, I don't know the details but it's an easy out, right?" I was speechless. Like I said before, I've had two others tell me the exact thing. That they wished they had been betrayed by their husband because it seems like an easy out.
Ok. I get that. But still. It hurts. It's not an easy out - if it were, I would have been out a long time ago. It's complicated, it's heart wrenching, it's physically and emotionally exhausting. It makes you re-think every single detail of your life, analyze what could have gone wrong, how it went wrong and how much of that wrong is going to stay wrong. It changes who you are as a person. I will never again be the same person I was the moment before these betrayals and that is unfair.
In light of that elevator conversation mentioned above, I'd like to say "If I have ever (and we all know that I have) hurt you with word vomit, I am truly, deeply sorry. Your hurts are real and not like anything anyone would ever want or understand, because they are yours and yours alone."
As I was leaving for lunch yesterday I walked out with a work acquaintance. I asked how her Christmas shopping was going and she was obviously having a hard time in her marriage right now and it came down to money and spending habits. Ok, I got that. I sympathized. Money is a HUGE issue and she looks over at me and she says "Sometimes I wish I was in your situation. I mean, I don't know the details but it's an easy out, right?" I was speechless. Like I said before, I've had two others tell me the exact thing. That they wished they had been betrayed by their husband because it seems like an easy out.
Ok. I get that. But still. It hurts. It's not an easy out - if it were, I would have been out a long time ago. It's complicated, it's heart wrenching, it's physically and emotionally exhausting. It makes you re-think every single detail of your life, analyze what could have gone wrong, how it went wrong and how much of that wrong is going to stay wrong. It changes who you are as a person. I will never again be the same person I was the moment before these betrayals and that is unfair.
In light of that elevator conversation mentioned above, I'd like to say "If I have ever (and we all know that I have) hurt you with word vomit, I am truly, deeply sorry. Your hurts are real and not like anything anyone would ever want or understand, because they are yours and yours alone."
Monday, November 23, 2009
Have to vs. I do
I saw D this morning - it is Monday after all. What a great way to start the week. Sobbing in a therapist's office. Gotta love it!
Alright, but here I was trying to figure out what in the world I'm supposed to say. Trying to stop my regular talk and start learning this new way of talking/thinking in order to make these thoughts in my head make more sense.
I finally identify a "part", the part that never is happy with me. She's a downer that one. She wants me to get it all right, all the time. Ain't gonna happen - I know that but she pushes hard. Then D repeats something she said last week: Instead of saying/thinking "To be a a good mom I have to xyz". I should be saying/thinking, "I am a good mom, and because of this I do xyz." Wow!!! It's a paradigm shift. It's using my strengths to strengthen me. That thought, that new way of thinking, lifts a weight off my shoulders. This isn't just about parenting for me, it's about everything. I am a good daughter because I do xyz. I am a good friend because I do xyz. And the beauty of it all is that I don't have to add more things to my to-do list. I'm simply taking what I have, my gifts and identifying them in my life. I'm not going to stop growing as a person but I am going to stop beating myself up for the "have to's" I can't reach.
So maybe bawling for an hour was worth it today... I am a good patient because I do the work away from the office! :o)
Alright, but here I was trying to figure out what in the world I'm supposed to say. Trying to stop my regular talk and start learning this new way of talking/thinking in order to make these thoughts in my head make more sense.
I finally identify a "part", the part that never is happy with me. She's a downer that one. She wants me to get it all right, all the time. Ain't gonna happen - I know that but she pushes hard. Then D repeats something she said last week: Instead of saying/thinking "To be a a good mom I have to xyz". I should be saying/thinking, "I am a good mom, and because of this I do xyz." Wow!!! It's a paradigm shift. It's using my strengths to strengthen me. That thought, that new way of thinking, lifts a weight off my shoulders. This isn't just about parenting for me, it's about everything. I am a good daughter because I do xyz. I am a good friend because I do xyz. And the beauty of it all is that I don't have to add more things to my to-do list. I'm simply taking what I have, my gifts and identifying them in my life. I'm not going to stop growing as a person but I am going to stop beating myself up for the "have to's" I can't reach.
So maybe bawling for an hour was worth it today... I am a good patient because I do the work away from the office! :o)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Feelin' like me
Things that make me feel like me ~
- Poofy hair
- Laughing
- Playing tackle with the boys
- Smelling nice
- Wearing sweatpants
- Wearing heels
- Reading a book in the bathtub
- Sitting outside on a warm sunny day
- Going home (Canada)
- Sitting around at the cottage
- Sleeping in
- Snuggling with the kids
- Watching movies with my girlfriends
- Organizing my home (or others')
- Drinking hot cocoa and warm apple cider
- Laughing at myself
- Baking
- Lighting scented candles all over my home
- Getting lost in the world of possibilities
- Poofy hair
- Laughing
- Playing tackle with the boys
- Smelling nice
- Wearing sweatpants
- Wearing heels
- Reading a book in the bathtub
- Sitting outside on a warm sunny day
- Going home (Canada)
- Sitting around at the cottage
- Sleeping in
- Snuggling with the kids
- Watching movies with my girlfriends
- Organizing my home (or others')
- Drinking hot cocoa and warm apple cider
- Laughing at myself
- Baking
- Lighting scented candles all over my home
- Getting lost in the world of possibilities
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
November 10, 2009
You are eight.
Where has the time gone? I remember bringing you home from the hospital and sitting next to you thinking "Now what?". You have kept me on my toes from day one. Teaching me about patience (yes, I'm still working on it), showing me love like I've never known before.
You are wise beyond your years in the things that you do and say. This morning I urged you to eat some bananas to help settle your stomach and you said "I will, Mom. And you don't ever have to say "I swear" to me because I know your word is true." I now understand that you do listen to me when I repeat again and again how your word is the only thing you have in this world. I should know this because you seem to remember, EVERYTHING and you remind me if I forget something or another.
When I snuggle with you at night, I whisper "Mommy loves you", and I know you'll answer "Reecie loves you, too" - you can't imagine how that warms my heart, you've been saying the same thing since you began to talk.
You are such the planner, last year you had your next three Halloween costumes picked out and this morning you asked what next year's party theme would be! And you have decided on 5 different careers and in which order you will be fulfilling those roles. You crack me up.
Everytime we get in the car I know I'll soon hear "Mom, what if..." and you start inventing a story that would never in a million years happen, but you want to fill the silence. I have to be honest, I sometimes don't hear the entire story but I know you'll finish with "That would be cool, right, Mom?" to which I always reply "Totally". You sometimes tell me your friends tell you that you talk too much but I reassure you that I don't think you do (ok... there are moments) and that I used to talk a lot when I was little (and maybe even now).
You are tender hearted and sweet. You are growing to be such a great gentleman, opening the door for ladies and helping me with grocery sacks without being asked.
You never want to hurt feelings and are so saddened when it happens accidentally. You're a great big brother, helping Ryan with whatever he needs and are quick to apologize if you've been too rough with him.
When you hear comments about how you and Ryan have blonde hair and look a lot like Daddy, you remind me that you have my eyes and that you are much more like me than Daddy in an effort to spare my feelings.
Reece, I want you to know that it doesn't matter to me whether you look like Daddy or me, because when I look at you, I don't see either one of us. I see a lot of Jesus' characteristics. You love God and Jesus so much. You know right from wrong and you try your bestest to follow His commands. When you disobey you ask to be disciplined because you know there are consequences to each one of our actions. When we pray at night I can hear your relationship with God growing stronger and that couldn't make me any happier.
You have the heart of a hero, Reece. You have something so special inside you that isn't part of some genetic formation of your little self but a true gift from God. God has blessed you, sweet boy and in turn has blessed me.
Happy birthday, Reecie
Mommy loves you.
xoxo
Where has the time gone? I remember bringing you home from the hospital and sitting next to you thinking "Now what?". You have kept me on my toes from day one. Teaching me about patience (yes, I'm still working on it), showing me love like I've never known before.
You are wise beyond your years in the things that you do and say. This morning I urged you to eat some bananas to help settle your stomach and you said "I will, Mom. And you don't ever have to say "I swear" to me because I know your word is true." I now understand that you do listen to me when I repeat again and again how your word is the only thing you have in this world. I should know this because you seem to remember, EVERYTHING and you remind me if I forget something or another.
When I snuggle with you at night, I whisper "Mommy loves you", and I know you'll answer "Reecie loves you, too" - you can't imagine how that warms my heart, you've been saying the same thing since you began to talk.
You are such the planner, last year you had your next three Halloween costumes picked out and this morning you asked what next year's party theme would be! And you have decided on 5 different careers and in which order you will be fulfilling those roles. You crack me up.
Everytime we get in the car I know I'll soon hear "Mom, what if..." and you start inventing a story that would never in a million years happen, but you want to fill the silence. I have to be honest, I sometimes don't hear the entire story but I know you'll finish with "That would be cool, right, Mom?" to which I always reply "Totally". You sometimes tell me your friends tell you that you talk too much but I reassure you that I don't think you do (ok... there are moments) and that I used to talk a lot when I was little (and maybe even now).
You are tender hearted and sweet. You are growing to be such a great gentleman, opening the door for ladies and helping me with grocery sacks without being asked.
You never want to hurt feelings and are so saddened when it happens accidentally. You're a great big brother, helping Ryan with whatever he needs and are quick to apologize if you've been too rough with him.
When you hear comments about how you and Ryan have blonde hair and look a lot like Daddy, you remind me that you have my eyes and that you are much more like me than Daddy in an effort to spare my feelings.
Reece, I want you to know that it doesn't matter to me whether you look like Daddy or me, because when I look at you, I don't see either one of us. I see a lot of Jesus' characteristics. You love God and Jesus so much. You know right from wrong and you try your bestest to follow His commands. When you disobey you ask to be disciplined because you know there are consequences to each one of our actions. When we pray at night I can hear your relationship with God growing stronger and that couldn't make me any happier.
You have the heart of a hero, Reece. You have something so special inside you that isn't part of some genetic formation of your little self but a true gift from God. God has blessed you, sweet boy and in turn has blessed me.
Happy birthday, Reecie
Mommy loves you.
xoxo
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Peace
Nothing has changed for me. I'm still me, trying to figure me out. I'm going through some pretty intense feelings about nothing and everything and working my way through what seems like a cobweb in my head. I don't have any answers to my life. I'm taking 30 days to pray about peace in my heart, whatever that may be. I can't go on pretending it all away but it's harder to find the peace I desperately need, harder than I thought. I have my recovery plan with D and I'm doing some homework on my own, trying to have the relationship with God we both need (God and I). This isn't about you at all, it's about me. It's about what I want and that... That's unclear and has been unclear to me for about 25 years.
Monday, October 26, 2009
I'm back... well sort of.
I tend to feel one of two things when I leave D's office on Monday morning - either overwhelmed or rejuvinated. Today I feel rejuvinated. Something clicked. Actually a few things clicked.
I mentioned that I had had a great weekend with the boys all to myself. That we had visited with a friend from our old neighborhood, played outside on Saturday (Reece found a new friend at our complex!) and that I had dinner/playdate with my SIL and how we had just lounged around on Sunday. It was a really great weekend. And she pointed out that I had pretty much been a hermit crab for a while... and I realized that I have been. I haven't been going "out" with people that I love, that's unlike me. I haven't been connecting with the outside world. I have been clinging to the one person who I know totally "gets" me and whom I feel 110% comfortable with, but there is a whole other world I dropped when my world fell apart. I also talked about how I poured over some magazines that I love and it sparked a little more "life" into my soul and gave me a new creative perspective.
And to top it all off, I'm starting to understand "Parts" a little more (http://www.selfleadership.org/node/7285) and I feel like I can recognize where I am and where I've been because of them. It's totally cool now to understand why I do certain things, say certain things when that's not at all what I mean. I'm also learning that I am in a "Manager" part a lot and I'm learning how to get myself out of that with D's help. Knowing that I'm growing, understanding and able to make changes is SO refreshing and amazing. But before I get to carried away, I know I still have A LOT to learn and do to get to where I need to be. I think for a while I was looking at the mountain, understanding the mountain and now I'm ready to start climbing the mountain. Woohoo!
On a side note, not only am I understanding when I was in a part (trying to stop it before it happens is the goal) but I'm starting to understand when others are in a part as well which makes me more empathetic and understanding towards behaviors that don't correspond with that person's "normal" self.
So today is a totally good day. Today, I feel like God is walking next to me... which is probably a good thing because I like having Him next to me instead of being carried all the time.
I mentioned that I had had a great weekend with the boys all to myself. That we had visited with a friend from our old neighborhood, played outside on Saturday (Reece found a new friend at our complex!) and that I had dinner/playdate with my SIL and how we had just lounged around on Sunday. It was a really great weekend. And she pointed out that I had pretty much been a hermit crab for a while... and I realized that I have been. I haven't been going "out" with people that I love, that's unlike me. I haven't been connecting with the outside world. I have been clinging to the one person who I know totally "gets" me and whom I feel 110% comfortable with, but there is a whole other world I dropped when my world fell apart. I also talked about how I poured over some magazines that I love and it sparked a little more "life" into my soul and gave me a new creative perspective.
And to top it all off, I'm starting to understand "Parts" a little more (http://www.selfleadership.org/node/7285) and I feel like I can recognize where I am and where I've been because of them. It's totally cool now to understand why I do certain things, say certain things when that's not at all what I mean. I'm also learning that I am in a "Manager" part a lot and I'm learning how to get myself out of that with D's help. Knowing that I'm growing, understanding and able to make changes is SO refreshing and amazing. But before I get to carried away, I know I still have A LOT to learn and do to get to where I need to be. I think for a while I was looking at the mountain, understanding the mountain and now I'm ready to start climbing the mountain. Woohoo!
On a side note, not only am I understanding when I was in a part (trying to stop it before it happens is the goal) but I'm starting to understand when others are in a part as well which makes me more empathetic and understanding towards behaviors that don't correspond with that person's "normal" self.
So today is a totally good day. Today, I feel like God is walking next to me... which is probably a good thing because I like having Him next to me instead of being carried all the time.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
That's so random
This is hysterical!
I would have written on my blog sooner then now, however I couldn't find the stupid thing! I Googled to look for it, but since changing my settings, I can't find it that way. I tried and to go through the blogs I follow to see if I can get in that way... nope. I tried to look through my gmail account, nope. And now as I type, I don't really know how I found it but I did add the sucker to "Favorites"! Done!
Today is a good day. I'm making progress in this new life that I'm trying to create. Do I know what I'm going to do decide on my "big decision"? Nope. Am I ok with that? Yep. So here I am.
I spoke at church on Saturday for about 15 minutes. It seemed shorter but I couldn't ignore the big red sign in the back flashing "YOU ARE OUT OF TIME. WRAP IT UP." -- so I guess I ran over. Um... I wasn't too surprised I went over. It was totally fun and I had more to say but the tech people don't like when you mess with the schedule.
I've been really random today but this seems like my head lately. Thoughts flying every which way not making any sense. And I'm ok with that. :o)
I would have written on my blog sooner then now, however I couldn't find the stupid thing! I Googled to look for it, but since changing my settings, I can't find it that way. I tried and to go through the blogs I follow to see if I can get in that way... nope. I tried to look through my gmail account, nope. And now as I type, I don't really know how I found it but I did add the sucker to "Favorites"! Done!
Today is a good day. I'm making progress in this new life that I'm trying to create. Do I know what I'm going to do decide on my "big decision"? Nope. Am I ok with that? Yep. So here I am.
I spoke at church on Saturday for about 15 minutes. It seemed shorter but I couldn't ignore the big red sign in the back flashing "YOU ARE OUT OF TIME. WRAP IT UP." -- so I guess I ran over. Um... I wasn't too surprised I went over. It was totally fun and I had more to say but the tech people don't like when you mess with the schedule.
I've been really random today but this seems like my head lately. Thoughts flying every which way not making any sense. And I'm ok with that. :o)
Sunday, October 18, 2009
fearfully and wonderfully made
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14
This blogging world is a new one for me... I'm not sure if it will stick or not but in reality it's just another way for me to work through all my "gunk". Journaling isn't helping like I thought it would because it's generally not directed where it should be. I'm hoping that knowing that this is posted online will help me work through stuff as I type it. Doesn't make sense? It does to me! ha!
I'm having to remind myself often that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" - hence the name of the blog. I meet with D every Monday morning and sometimes I feel like I'm making so much progress in therapy and sometimes I look a little too far ahead and realize I have so much left to do. Right now my focus is to put the focus back on me. That's tough. I remind myself again as I leave every session that God made me this way for a reason. That I'm perfect just this way, but that I've broken and healed time and time again and the scar tissue needs to be removed so that I can be better, be stronger, be all that He wants me to be. When for 29 years I've worried about others and their worlds. Cared more about their well being then my own, it's hard to just stop and start something new. I once explained it as playing Monopoly with a different set of rules. Doing what is more natural is obviously easier but that's not the way to win.
So here I am.
"Sitting it in" as D calls it. Watching those that I love suffer great pains and all I'm supposed to do is "sit" with them and listen. I can't actually "act". I can't call someone or track people or services down to help these people. I can just sit and support with words and hugs.
This sucks. Today was rough. I have to sit and suffer with him. I have to let his pain be his pain, when all I want to do is say all kinds of things I'm going to regret later so that his pain goes away. I want to reduce his anxiety because seeing people hurt is almost unbearable. In the long run, I know that this is right. It all still just sucks.
I want my rose colored glasses back. They were nice and gave me warm fuzzies all the time. Someone said ignorance is bliss and I agree - reality sucks.
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