fearfully and wonderfully made

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

This blogging world is a new one for me... I'm not sure if it will stick or not but in reality it's just another way for me to work through all my "gunk". Journaling isn't helping like I thought it would because it's generally not directed where it should be. I'm hoping that knowing that this is posted online will help me work through stuff as I type it. Doesn't make sense? It does to me! ha!

I'm having to remind myself often that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" - hence the name of the blog. I meet with D every Monday morning and sometimes I feel like I'm making so much progress in therapy and sometimes I look a little too far ahead and realize I have so much left to do. Right now my focus is to put the focus back on me. That's tough. I remind myself again as I leave every session that God made me this way for a reason. That I'm perfect just this way, but that I've broken and healed time and time again and the scar tissue needs to be removed so that I can be better, be stronger, be all that He wants me to be. When for 29 years I've worried about others and their worlds. Cared more about their well being then my own, it's hard to just stop and start something new. I once explained it as playing Monopoly with a different set of rules. Doing what is more natural is obviously easier but that's not the way to win.

So here I am.

"Sitting it in" as D calls it. Watching those that I love suffer great pains and all I'm supposed to do is "sit" with them and listen. I can't actually "act". I can't call someone or track people or services down to help these people. I can just sit and support with words and hugs.

This sucks. Today was rough. I have to sit and suffer with him. I have to let his pain be his pain, when all I want to do is say all kinds of things I'm going to regret later so that his pain goes away. I want to reduce his anxiety because seeing people hurt is almost unbearable. In the long run, I know that this is right. It all still just sucks.

I want my rose colored glasses back. They were nice and gave me warm fuzzies all the time. Someone said ignorance is bliss and I agree - reality sucks.