Exoneration

ex·on·er·ate (g-zn-rt)
tr.v. ex·on·er·at·ed, ex·on·er·at·ing, ex·on·er·ates
1. To free from blame.
2. To free from a responsibility, obligation, or task.

D and I have been talking about exoneration the last couple of weeks. That's where I am with the elephants in my life. I'm exonerating them all and letting it all go. Not because I can't handle it, but because I can. Elephants are heavy and they drag you down. I don't want to keep having to move them, inspect them, talk about them over and over again because it's not helpful or productive. Later it might be helpful or needed but for now, it's not.

I was constantly looking back trying as hard as I could to not repeat or create the sins I had witnessed but now I've made my way towards a healthier me, the me I want to be. I sat around for too many years pretending it all away and I spent the last year yanking it all out and talking the death out of it.

I understand why I made the choices I made. I understand why I didn't care enough about myself to expect better. I understand why I couldn't accept God's grace. And I understand why it's hard for others to understand.

Exoneration isn't something you do for the elephants, it's something you do for yourself.

Diving back in

I talked to God, talked to D and talked to S... (the A-Team) and I did it. I joined eHarmony and opened myself up to new love.

So after some weeks of dating... I have a boyfriend. Crazy, huh? It sounds weird when I say it out loud and even more weird when I type it. Weird in a good way.

I love where it's heading. All relationships are journeys and I'm really enjoying this one.

I constantly hear D's voice in the back of my mind reminding me to stay focused on my healing and making sure that I'm heard through any and all relationships I am in, regardless of the type. Communication, honesty, trust, love, faith, patience... each one just as important as the next in any relationship.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm now an adult or because I've grown in therapy or my dependence on my faith or a combination of all of it, but dating now is totally different then it was back in high school. Where I am, as a person, is so different then where I was the last time I dated. I can take it or leave it and I'm choosing to take it. I'm choosing to dive back into a relationship not because of status or appearances or desperation but because I want a relationship for me.

Who knows where this will lead... but I'm ok with not seeing, molding or directing the plan.

The world of possibilities

I wonder how the world would be if we all truly believed in dreams. Not the sleeping kind but the wishful kind.

When I was younger I would spend hours by myself getting lost in the "what ifs" of life. I loved those days, I miss those days. They were simple and pure.

As adults, I think we become more cynical and doubtful about what's out there, what plans have been set for our lives. We are held back by the sins committed against us or the bad choices we have made. We are sort of just dipping our toes in the water to see how the temperature is instead of believing God's promises and diving right in.

I think that by guarding our hearts and souls we are depriving the world a bit of goodness it so desperately needs. We have one life to live and it would be such a waste to not truly live it, with everything we are.

I have tons of things I want to do in the next days, weeks, months, years of my life and some of them are going to require me to take a big old "Faith Pill" and dive right in and accept the results (not consequences), whether good or bad.

So how about you? You wanna dive in with me?

Tough questions

You ask the toughest questions ever. I wish I could get into your head and see how it all works in there.

You ask me if I am keeping something from you. I answer that I always tell you the stuff that is most important for you to know. You seem ok with that but you ask me if I would answer your question, you hesitate, afraid I will lie to you. I've never lied to you before but you seem unsure.

Finally you say "What was her name? The girl dad kissed? What did she look like?" Ugh.

My mind pulls a memory from last June, while I was driving you to summer camp, you said "I know why you and Daddy might get divorced. Daddy kissed a girl." I looked straight ahead trying to catch my breath. "Why do you think that, buddy?" I asked. You answer simply "Because God says divorce is ok if that happens and your heart is broken Mom. So that must be what happened."

So here we are. Back to those big ugly questions. I can't tell you what I know because its not going to help. So I ask you "Why do you want to know?". You roll over towards me and stick your head under my chin "Because he got a call from a girl this weekend and he said he didn't want to talk to her. Was it that girl?" I can answer this one with confidence, "No. It wasn't that girl." You are quiet for a moment. "Oh. Don't tell him I asked... ok?"

Peanut, I sure wish I could answer all of your big complicated questions but it's not going to help you understand any of this. I wish that I could tell you that not all daddies do this and that trying to figure it all out isn't going to make you feel any better.

I pray that you will heal, just like I am. There will be plenty of scars left, baggage, but I pray that God will take that and turn it into something beautiful. I know He is going to use this and make it good for you, He always does.

Failing

"The hero child is the child who fantasizes that if he or she accomplishes enough, then the whole family will be "o.k.". This child is overly conscientious, conforms to all the rules, and constantly seeks approval. In spite of being a high achiever, the hero child always feels inadequate."

D pointed the above out to me this morning. She said "You were a hero child. Google it." I did.

Looking back I can see how I morphed that into my adult life. Therapy has really taught me how to get myself out of the hero mode and into the failing-all-the-time-but-God-loves-me-and-I'm-great-with-that mode. I tried Googling this new mode but it hasn't been created yet. Maybe I should patent it?

It's ok to fail when you've got your eye on the One because He's got His eye on you too.

Destination

As we live our lives and look back on our past we never truly remember all the great details of it. We remember stories, a short series of flashes that remind us of the experiences we have lived. They come and go and because we are human we never seem to grasp the entire depth of these instances. We can laugh and reminisce, we might even remember the smells or hear the music of that era but the deep feelings, the ones that hit us deep inside our core... those are gone only to be replaced by a memory.

I'm in a place in my life right now where all I want to do is bottle up my days, my moments, so that this feeling can last forever.

God has a journey for all of us and sometimes it seems so confusing and ugly... I remember being on my knees at my house on my kitchen floor begging God to send me an email. It sounds silly now, but I remember praying "I just need You to send me an email on what You want me to do and how You want me to do it and I swear I will do that! I just need you to tell me." He never did. I'm glad He didn't. I wouldn't have learned the lessons I needed to or have grown the way He wanted me to with an email. I never doubted His love for me or His plan for me but the journey seemed torturous.

I suppose it's sort of like hiking through a forest and having to fight the cobwebs, the mosquitoes, the branches and trees. As you fight through it all you can hear in the distance, water and birds and when you finally move that last branch out of the way - there it stands in front of you, the majestic blue lake with its waves crashing on the shore and a view like you've never seen before. The hike was rough and sometimes it seemed easier to give up but the destination made it all worth it.

I know there will be more rough times to come, but I pray that I'll always remember that the destination is always worth it.

"I have been blessed and I feel like I've found my way.
I thank God for all I've been given." ~ Martina McBride

Book review

I just finished reading "Act like a lady, Think like a man" by Steve Harvey last night. Quite humorous, but filled with some very insightful information.

The book is essentially about women and self-respect before and during a relationship. He also gives women "rules" to follow in order to protect themselves from guys who aren't the real deal.

I actually closed the book and felt sorry for men.

Women have been allowed to vote since the early 1900's but it took approximately 40 more years for the women's liberation movement to come into effect. Men have had to make a huge paradigm shift in the last 50 years.

Harvey mentions in the book that men like independent women but they also want to feel needed. He explains that it's totally fine to have a career, have your girlfriends, do your own thing but at the end of the day, if you don't need your man, he's not going to need you either. Pretty simple.

Listen, I know some of you are thinking "But I don't need a man. I'm just fine on my own. I pay my own bills, open my own door, do my own yard work, change my own oil!" I get that. But I also get that when women get upset about this very issue it's because the reaction is fear driven. We don't want to go back to the dark ages where women are treated as objects. Who does? I think that by being overly independent women are treating themselves like objects. Let's be real, we all have feelings no matter our gender and pretending that we don't need anyone, whether it be a friendship or romantic relationship, is simply stupid.

I've had numerous conversations recently with other women about what is and isn't ok in a relationship and very few of us agreed with each other. If we all have different ideas on how to treat women... how is a man supposed to know?

Elephants

Monday morning therapy - there's just nothing I'd rather be doing... or not.

This morning was rough. Still reading TrueFaced with two chapters to go. I'm feeling pretty good about the whole thing as we start discussing the current chapter until D says that on this chapter we'll be talking about the elephant in the room. Really? Today? I haven't talked about that elephant for... well, I never talk about it so why today? Ah yes... it's the last thing on my "recovery plan". I'm starting to hate that plan. Anyway, we forge ahead because I have plans for my therapy co-pays and sitting here for another 10 months is not one of them.

So we talk about the elephant in the room. We talk about feelings and thoughts and really uncomfortable stuff but... I realize it's tough, I hate it, but it's do-able. I tell D this, that I'm actually feeling good about it, not in a great let's do this every day kind of feeling, but like a good/ok kind of feeling. Yep, I'm ready to talk about the elephant and then walk him out the door.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

Divorced parents

We told the kids this afternoon that we were getting divorced. Many have asked what the kids had thought this whole time. Well, they are kids and they didn't think anything other than their parents were separated.

We sat with them on the couch and told them how we loved them so much and that would never change. We told them that after almost a year of being separated we had come to a decision and that we were getting divorced. There were a lot of questions from Reece of course. Ryan... oblivious to what was being discussed tried to console his big brother.

I'm not sure what I thought would happen. What questions he would ask. He asked some tough ones and some predictable ones.

There's no "good" reason to get divorced just like there is no "bad" reason to get married... there are just reasons. Reasons that are never going to make sense to an 8 year old who sees this world as whole and good.

He's laying down right now and I can hear him sobbing... he's tired, filled with anxiety and "grossness". These are the times I wish he were tiny again, when all he needed to feel better was the rhythm of my heartbeat and the smell of my skin.

This one belongs to God. This is so big and so ugly that I know I will never have the right words to fill the hole we've just created in his heart. It's God's to fill because I'm imperfect and weak. I pray that Reece and Ryan both stop and listen long enough to find comfort in the rhythm of God's heartbeat and the smell of His skin.

Forgiveness

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I'm reading TrueFaced written by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and John Lynch - excellent book with so many amazing insights. I thought I'd share a paragraph I read this evening that I thought was written well and explained forgiveness perfectly.

"Forgiveness breaks down walls, frees hearts, mends countries, restores families, and draws out the best in us. It can turn hatred into tenderness and the desire to destroy into a passion to protect. It is more powerful than any weapon, government, or wealth. Nothing else can bring such profound healing. Forgiveness forms the foundation of our relationship with God and sustains our relationships with each other. When we unleash this gift, by receiving it in humble trust that God can actually free our heart and heal our relationships, then the miraculous can happen. This powerful gift has one purpose: to protect us from insidious harm that comes from sin done against us."

It was worth it

I just posted this blog link to my Facebook page. That's kind of a big step for me.

I want to be transparent and I want people to know my crazy thoughts and rants and I feel like I'm at a place where I can accept other people's comments/support/critiques.

It feels good to be here.

I've been making some really good headway in therapy - so much so that I'll be graduating within the next 6 weeks. I felt really good talking to D about wrapping it up and letting me face this crazy world on my own. I'm not at all "healed" because that really doesn't exist. This life is a journey and it will never be perfect and I will be causing and receiving all kinds of wounds but I feel like for the last 10 months I've been filling my toolbox with the tools I will need to face those unexpected hurdles.

As D says, I've been practicing for a marathon and now it's time to race.

There were many Monday mornings that I did not want to get up and face the demons I had suppressed for so long, cause feeling gross sucks. (right, S?) But it's worth it. It was worth feeling like crap for a lot of weeks (maybe even months). It was worth questioning my every thought and motive. It was worth never feeling like I understood the world. It was worth coming to work every Monday morning with puffy eyes to sweet co-workers with tissues. It was worth it, because without it I would have never knew what I was capable of and who I really am.

I'm going to miss D, when it's all over. I'll probably cry and feel I lost a friend. But it was worth it.

The end

I was recently asked what my contribution was to the break up of my marriage. I felt like I was stumbling through my response...

Here's the deal - I was an equal partner in the destruction of my marriage. I take ownership of that. I based my choices and actions on fear instead of faith and love. The things that attracted me to him and him to me are the very things that destroyed us. I didn't fight for the things I believed in because I was afraid to rock the boat. I hate fighting and uncomfortable situations and conversations so I avoided them at all costs. I thought if I faked it until we made it, that it we would be ok.

But when we did fight, I didn't fight fair - ever. I knew exactly what to say to hurt him and I did it, every single time knowing full well what it would do to him. Yes, I always apologized and found words to lift him back up but it was too late. I'd already cut him. I wanted to have the perfect marriage, the perfect children, and be the perfect wife. That's really hard to do when none of those things exist. I didn't give him or myself enough grace.

I fought for my marriage but not the way I should have.

Hindsight is always better isn't it? I can look back and very clearly see what I did and didn't do correctly. How I could have better reacted to various situations... but it's over now. A lot has happened, a lot of crazy, ridiculous, immature things.


"Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior.
Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past." ~Joan Borysenko