Maybe I was getting comfortable. Maybe things were getting too easy. Maybe I was getting too confident.
Maybe.
Maybe that's why He's allowing things to happen. Why things I had "figured out" don't make sense anymore. Maybe that's why I feel my heart, my head, and my faith getting stretched and pulled in so many different ways.
Maybe.
I am in a place I don't like being. The place of uncertainty. The place where lack of confidence and anxiety fill my days. The place of hurt and healing. The place of roller-coasters and lazy days. The place where I grow the most. It's exhausting.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Distance
I knew it would come.
The time when my heart realized what my head has known for months. We are not going "home" this year.
We are taking the kids to Disney instead.
I am super excited about Disney and we are beyond blessed to be able to take this trip. It will be memorable. I know this.
But my heart aches for the lake. For the trees. The loons. The cottage. The hikes. The town. The family. My family.
And it will be about 15 months before I will see them again. Nearly 2 years without a hug from my momma. Another two years until my dad and I get to hang out chatting in the garage. A long while without late night conversations and long walks.
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder... Fonder... Maybe. Tender. Definitely.
The time when my heart realized what my head has known for months. We are not going "home" this year.
We are taking the kids to Disney instead.
I am super excited about Disney and we are beyond blessed to be able to take this trip. It will be memorable. I know this.
But my heart aches for the lake. For the trees. The loons. The cottage. The hikes. The town. The family. My family.
And it will be about 15 months before I will see them again. Nearly 2 years without a hug from my momma. Another two years until my dad and I get to hang out chatting in the garage. A long while without late night conversations and long walks.
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder... Fonder... Maybe. Tender. Definitely.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
You and me
My mother loves to tell stories of this small child who was determined from birth. Who was very sure of what she wanted. Always. Hair, clothes, shoes. She decided and there was no changing of minds. She didn't mind proving her point with solid arguments.
She and my mother battled over dinner and she struggled with textures in foods. She had a wild imagination, loved to draw and tell stories. She was a star student and loved to make her teacher happy. She made lots of friends and was loyal to them all. She had a silly sense of humor and loved to get a laugh from people.
She had a sweet heart. And she loved cuddles and words of encouragement.
I smile when my mother tells me these stories, because she's speaking about me. But all I think of is you, Monkey.
She and my mother battled over dinner and she struggled with textures in foods. She had a wild imagination, loved to draw and tell stories. She was a star student and loved to make her teacher happy. She made lots of friends and was loyal to them all. She had a silly sense of humor and loved to get a laugh from people.
She had a sweet heart. And she loved cuddles and words of encouragement.
I smile when my mother tells me these stories, because she's speaking about me. But all I think of is you, Monkey.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Alike
I love that you ask me questions. So many questions. You seek to understand.
You worry about the day. The week. The future. You want a clear understanding of what's to come.
We have deep discussions about theology and you discuss your opinions, we dig for answers until we're both satisfied.
You know right from wrong. You forgive easily. You see a need and find a way to fill it. You love long hugs and night time talks. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You talk feelings as easily as you do football. You love hard.
I've never wanted to compare you to myself or your dad. You are unique. God made you to be this beautiful, talkative, funny young boy. But you... You are very aware. We're a whole lot alike.
You worry about the day. The week. The future. You want a clear understanding of what's to come.
We have deep discussions about theology and you discuss your opinions, we dig for answers until we're both satisfied.
You know right from wrong. You forgive easily. You see a need and find a way to fill it. You love long hugs and night time talks. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You talk feelings as easily as you do football. You love hard.
I've never wanted to compare you to myself or your dad. You are unique. God made you to be this beautiful, talkative, funny young boy. But you... You are very aware. We're a whole lot alike.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Pause Button
Everything seems so scattered in my mind.
I'm not overwhelmed with life. Just... confused by it.. maybe. There's so many things to think about. So many thing choices, decisions and life goes on merrily. I want to take a little break. Put the world on pause while I process it all.
But it's still good. So good.
I think I might be half conflicted with all of the choices and things to think about and half basking in the blessings that have been poured out to me.
No matter what. I am blessed. I am healthy. I am loved. I am forgiven. I am healed. I am His.
What more is there?
I'm not overwhelmed with life. Just... confused by it.. maybe. There's so many things to think about. So many thing choices, decisions and life goes on merrily. I want to take a little break. Put the world on pause while I process it all.
But it's still good. So good.
I think I might be half conflicted with all of the choices and things to think about and half basking in the blessings that have been poured out to me.
No matter what. I am blessed. I am healthy. I am loved. I am forgiven. I am healed. I am His.
What more is there?
Blessings
I found myself in a world of "I" last week.
You know the one?
I worked hard for this.
I made those choices so that I could get this.
Why does she get that when I did (insert whatever here) and I am stuck here.
I "I'ed" the heck out of my week. And then I said one of those statements out loud. I realized what I had been doing. And I realized why I was feeling the way I was... because I lied.
I didn't do a thing.
I don't deserve a thing.
I certainly don't run the show.
And I don't want to.
Yes. I work hard. When I commit to something, I give it my all. I was raised to give it my all in everything I do, but I choose to give it my all for my King. The results... I didn't create them.Tons of people work harder than me. We don't get to decide what blessings we receive. That's God's. And it's a good thing we don't. Because if we did, we'd choose all wrong.
Job 1:21
You know the one?
I worked hard for this.
I made those choices so that I could get this.
Why does she get that when I did (insert whatever here) and I am stuck here.
I "I'ed" the heck out of my week. And then I said one of those statements out loud. I realized what I had been doing. And I realized why I was feeling the way I was... because I lied.
I didn't do a thing.
I don't deserve a thing.
I certainly don't run the show.
And I don't want to.
Yes. I work hard. When I commit to something, I give it my all. I was raised to give it my all in everything I do, but I choose to give it my all for my King. The results... I didn't create them.Tons of people work harder than me. We don't get to decide what blessings we receive. That's God's. And it's a good thing we don't. Because if we did, we'd choose all wrong.
Job 1:21
and said:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.”
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.”
Blessings surround me, love overflows my heart, and He is the reason for it all. I will stand firm on His promises.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
iPhone Conviction
The following was posted on Facebook a few days ago…
“Dear Mom On the iPhone,
I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.
But Momma, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..
Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.
You aren’t.
Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.
He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.
Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.
Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.
Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.
Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!
Play time at the park will be over before you know it.
The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.
They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”
There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time.
Because they know…
You’ve shown them, all these moments that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..
I know that’s not true, Mommy.
I know your heart says differently.
But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly.
May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all.”
I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.
But Momma, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..
Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.
You aren’t.
Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.
He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.
Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.
Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.
Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.
Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!
Play time at the park will be over before you know it.
The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.
They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”
There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time.
Because they know…
You’ve shown them, all these moments that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..
I know that’s not true, Mommy.
I know your heart says differently.
But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly.
May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all.”
break.my.heart.
convicted.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Heaven is Here
I just finished reading Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson.
Wow.
Really.
I've been following her blog for a couple of years and it's rocked my world so when she announced she was writing a book a while ago, I thought it was nice and that I'd have to pick it up. Had I known it would be that good.... I would have bought a copy right away. But I didn't. 2 weeks ago I was surfing Amazon and remembered wanting a copy.
The message, the hope, and the love that flowed through the pages made me see my own life in a different way. Her triumph, faith, and perseverance is breath taking.
One of my favorite things about Stephanie is her love for the simple. Being a mother. Being a wife. Living life. Enjoying it.
This is it. This is my life. My one and only life.
I will never again get to live this day. To snuggle my babies. To help with homework. To fold their clothes. To listen to their day. To lay down with my husband and whisper about our day before falling asleep. To make this best day I possibly can. To live the best day I possibly can.
Stephanie Nielson, thank you for sharing your world with us.
Thank you for reminding me to count my blessings. My health, my family, my faith, my life.
Wow.
Really.
I've been following her blog for a couple of years and it's rocked my world so when she announced she was writing a book a while ago, I thought it was nice and that I'd have to pick it up. Had I known it would be that good.... I would have bought a copy right away. But I didn't. 2 weeks ago I was surfing Amazon and remembered wanting a copy.
The message, the hope, and the love that flowed through the pages made me see my own life in a different way. Her triumph, faith, and perseverance is breath taking.
One of my favorite things about Stephanie is her love for the simple. Being a mother. Being a wife. Living life. Enjoying it.
This is it. This is my life. My one and only life.
I will never again get to live this day. To snuggle my babies. To help with homework. To fold their clothes. To listen to their day. To lay down with my husband and whisper about our day before falling asleep. To make this best day I possibly can. To live the best day I possibly can.
Stephanie Nielson, thank you for sharing your world with us.
Thank you for reminding me to count my blessings. My health, my family, my faith, my life.
Being Christian
It's a combination of a comment left on my Facebook page and the current sermon series at church (Proverbs)...
How the world sees Christians... followed up with... what does it mean to be a Christian?
Christians are often held on a high moral pedestal. We are viewed differently by society. I get it. We rely on a really old book as our "how-to" guide on life. Some believe it's outdated. Some believe it's irrelevant. Some believe it is God's Word. I happen to be in the group that believes, trusts, acknowledges it as God's Word.
I am authentic. I'm not going to fake it. I'm real. I'm raw. And I'm a mess. I make mistakes. I say things I shouldn't. I struggle with the exactly same things non-Christians do. Being a Christian doesn't mean I have my crap together, cause if it did, I would have been kicked out of that family a looooonnnnnggg time ago. Being a Christian means I have this beautiful Heavenly Father whom I talk to daily, who I serve, who I cling to in my time of needs, who I worship weekly, and with whom who's other children I grow in His family, the church. Being a Christian means I have given Him my whole soul and I trust Him with all that I am.
How the world sees Christians... followed up with... what does it mean to be a Christian?
Christians are often held on a high moral pedestal. We are viewed differently by society. I get it. We rely on a really old book as our "how-to" guide on life. Some believe it's outdated. Some believe it's irrelevant. Some believe it is God's Word. I happen to be in the group that believes, trusts, acknowledges it as God's Word.
I am authentic. I'm not going to fake it. I'm real. I'm raw. And I'm a mess. I make mistakes. I say things I shouldn't. I struggle with the exactly same things non-Christians do. Being a Christian doesn't mean I have my crap together, cause if it did, I would have been kicked out of that family a looooonnnnnggg time ago. Being a Christian means I have this beautiful Heavenly Father whom I talk to daily, who I serve, who I cling to in my time of needs, who I worship weekly, and with whom who's other children I grow in His family, the church. Being a Christian means I have given Him my whole soul and I trust Him with all that I am.
I am very aware and agree that as Christians, we are to be held at a different standard because we are followers of the King of Kings. It's an honor to be one of His followers. And as I worshipped on Sunday and we sang I let the tears flood my eyes because, as it often does, it hit me how broken and imperfect I am. I am one big mess and He loves me.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Specially blessed
I have the gift of mercy. I want to feed the poor. I want to counsel the broken. I want to heal the wounds... but there's one area I've been a little nervous about... the ones with special needs. It's a place I feel the most awkward.
My sweet little tender hearted peanut has wanted to serve kids with special needs for a while now. His heart questions God's allowance of such struggles. We have talked in the past (and continue to do so) about how we learn much more from people with special needs then they ever do from us.
Compassion.
That's what I saw tonight from my two boys. Their hearts filled with such joy when J finally laughed. When he found joy in the teeter totter, the boys found joy in his happy moans and screams.
Blessed.
That's what we are. To have been a part of such a beautiful night. To have learned to love those we don't understand even when it's scary or awkward.
Humbled.
That's how I felt when faced with beautiful little faces who love, trust, hope, believe the way God has asked us. No inhibitions. No false pretenses. Just being who they are. Fearfully and wonderfully made.
My sweet little tender hearted peanut has wanted to serve kids with special needs for a while now. His heart questions God's allowance of such struggles. We have talked in the past (and continue to do so) about how we learn much more from people with special needs then they ever do from us.
Compassion.
That's what I saw tonight from my two boys. Their hearts filled with such joy when J finally laughed. When he found joy in the teeter totter, the boys found joy in his happy moans and screams.
Blessed.
That's what we are. To have been a part of such a beautiful night. To have learned to love those we don't understand even when it's scary or awkward.
Humbled.
That's how I felt when faced with beautiful little faces who love, trust, hope, believe the way God has asked us. No inhibitions. No false pretenses. Just being who they are. Fearfully and wonderfully made.
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