The never ending battle

It's the one that never ends. The one I will never get right. The ongoing struggle... 

I am either a rocking mom or a rocking employee. But both... at once? Nope. 

I can juggle. I can swing things. I can make it look fairly easy. But in the end, one is sacrficied for the other. 

It's tiring and frustrating but it's in His arms I find refuge (and... Diet Coke). 

There are days the thought of being a stay-at-home mom never leave my mind but other days when the thought of leaving a job I absolutely love sounds crazy (and not feasible!). 

And so the battle rages on and I hang on to His grace and patience and love cause more often than not, the road gets bumpy and things get half done and I fall asleep far too early and get up even earlier to be able to jump in it once again. 

That's it isn't it? 

Motherhood. 

A series of trips, juggles, and stumbles... And lots of kiddo grace!

We walk it to share it

I’m in a different place now then I was 15 years ago. A very different place.

I understand that as a parent, my mom did everything (and continues) because she loves me with her whole heart and soul. She’s my mom.

And she’s not perfect.

So when I was 18 and decided that moving to Kansas City to be with my new fiancé that I’d met online was the best idea EVER, she was none too happy. I understood then why she wasn’t happy. I understood why she wasn’t speaking to me. I understood that the last two months of my stay at home were going to be unbearable. I got that. I understood why she said the things she did. I understood why she chose to ignore me. I understood all of it.

But it still didn’t feel good.

My choices, her words, our actions… they didn’t mesh well and they created some tumultuous first few years of this “new” life I was living with my husband in a foreign country. We struggled to find a new normal to our once very close relationship.

It’s taken years.

And I’m glad to say things are good. And fine. And I still get it. And I’ve learned from it.
In my eyes, it wasn’t ok for her to say those things to me, but I still very much get it. Because I’m an adult. And I’ve worked through it.

So when we were driving the other night and I was telling A about this time in my life that wasn’t so fab… I told her about a comment my mom made and how it made me feel.

It clicked. I wasn’t trying to have a teaching moment, but it ended up that way.
I walked that trial, I learned my lesson, I healed, and I love my mom now more than I did then… and that happened so that this moment could take place.

So I said something I continually tell myself and believe as truth.

“Our choices might not be what others expect or want but in the end, they are responsible for their feelings and words, it’s not ours to carry.”

And we moved on.

Be kind. Be thoughtful. Be respectful. But do not carry something that isn’t yours to carry.

My trial turned into a lesson.

And the dust settles

After months of emotional roller coasters, the dust is settling… What is left are a lot broken hearts and wounded feelings on both sides.

Would we do it again? Absolutely.

Would we do it differently? You betcha.

But now it’s over and we pick up the pieces and rebuild with what’s left.

We’re all going to be adjusting.
We’re all going to have to be real about growing up and letting go.
We’re all going to have to be honest about things, even if it’s not comfortable.
We’re all going to do what we need to do for her.

It’s over. Something new is beginning. We get to decide what it looks like.

To know and believe

My sweet Peanut,

Our family is busy and crazy and sometimes my words are choppy because our days are non-stop, but there are things I want you to know, things I want you to believe. I read this and it was like someone read my heart. I want to share it with you:

You don’t have to fit in. The world expects you to act a certain way. Culture demands it. But it’s okay to be a square peg in a round hole, to look different, be yourself. It’s alright to chart your course to God’s plan, even when others might not understand it. Yes, you might feel odd or weird chasing it, but that’s okay, most world changers do.

You don’t have to give in. You already know about the pressure–to talk or dress a certain way, to disrespect adults or girls, to be like those that do. But you possess the strength and character to walk away, the Christ living in you will help you stand. You don’t have to give in. But if you do…

You get second chances and third and fourth… You can start again. Every sunrise is a second chance to get it right, to say no, to say I’m sorry, to ask forgiveness, to make a new start. I want you to know that this is what God is about. He wants to give you as many chances as it takes, just don’t every stop taking them.

You don’t have to be tough (all the time). Boys are supposed to be rough and tough. Maybe you’ve heard that “real men don’t cry” and always wear a stiff upper lip. But I want you to know real men are tender, they care about others, and root for the underdog. They rush to open the door for elderly women and use their manners. They cry over poverty and when they grow up, they tuck their babies into bed.

You don’t need a girl (yet). Girls. They are everywhere and their influence can be intoxicating, you’ll discover that soon enough. I can’t wait to see the girl God brings into your life and I already pray for her. Become friends with Godly girls, but don’t be in a hurry to make them a girlfriend. That time will come, enjoy today.

You make me proud. If you didn’t do another thing, win another award, get another A, or an E in conduct, I want you to know I’m proud of the young man you’ve become. I love the way you love your brother and sister (most days). I love the way you are a good friend and listener to others. I love the way you give generously. I am proud of you, Reece.

You are a success if you love God and others. I don’t know what you will be when you grow up. I think an engineer or a millionaire, possibly a missionary pilot or an artist. The sky is your limit and it’s your choice. But no matter what you accomplish or don’t, in my eyes, you’re successful if you love God first and others second. Always remember this is true success.

You have great men in your life. God has given you amazing men to shadow. They surround you at home and at church. They love God and their families more than themselves and if you aren’t sure where to step next, look for their footprints.

You can always come home. No matter what happens in this life, what you do or don’t do, you always have a place with us. We might make you want to leave with our rules or ask you to because of your actions, but we won’t stop you from coming home.

You are loved. No matter how long those legs grow or how high I have to look up to you, you will always be mine. I can still wipe your tears and listen to your heart. I can still ground you and make you say you’re sorry (hopefully). No matter what you do or what happens in this life, you are mine and nothing can change that. If you never hear another word I say or choose not to listen, you must believe that you are loved deeply by your parents. But even more than we love you, you are loved by a God who sent His son for you. Don’t ever doubt it. Believe it. This life might bring great joy or sorrow, great wealth or loss, but you can make it because you have love. Make sure you give it away. It’s the best way to receive it.

Peanut, you are my baby. No matter how big and independent you get. You are His, you are mine, you are perfect.

I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
Je t’aime,
Je t’aime,
Je t’aime.

Mom
xo

We don't do secrets

When I was pregnant with my Peanut, I worked with a gentleman who was a foster parent (Godly man, great all around guy). He and his wife took in children with special needs; physical, mental, etc...

I am not sure how we got on this subject but he said that as he took this classes for foster care, one thing really stuck out for him. He said that the teacher said that we, as parents, should discourage secrets. Always.

He explained to me that secrets harbor shame or badness. Secrets are what people (adults or other kids) tell kids to keep, when they know what they are doing is wrong. Secrets are never a healthy thing to hold.

But of course there are fun things that need to be kept on the down low for a short time (birthday gifts, parties, etc) So in those circumstances we ask our kids to keep it a "surprise" instead - because surprises mean that others will find out and they are fun, exciting things.

Surprises are good, secrets are bad.

And that's how I've spent the last 12.5 years of parenting...

In our home, we don't do secrets. In our home, we talk about anything and everything. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the awkward (and the really, really awkward).

It's been an interesting past few years because as the kids get older, they ask a lot more questions, they share more about their friends, they want to know about things that sometimes I get uncomfortable about (and it takes a lot for the kids to make me squirm!).

It's not to say that we tell our kids every.single.thing about what is going on in our own lives. If they have a more "grown up" question, either we answer, or we tell them it's a question we can answer when they are 25 (or in a couple of years or whatever). So no, we aren't going to keep a secret from them, but there are things their little heads and hearts are not ready to process.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately... I will always be so grateful to Tony for sharing with me this parenting tip.

Your Word is Your Word

You know we all have "mom-isms" - things we as moms say over and over again.

I have a few...
"The world puts us down, we need to build each other up." (1 Thess 5:11)
"Let your yes be yes, and your no be no." (Matt 5:37)
"Your word is your word... it's all you've got." (1 John 2:5)

Of course I have plenty of others but those are probably my top three. Of course all three bring forth eye rolls. It's pretty awesome.

I know for now they think I'm pretty lame for saying those things. I get it, I was once their age (mom-ism?!).

But I'm growing adults, not kids and growing adults means teaching them values and one of the ones at the very top of my list is integrity.

Your word is all you have in this world. Actions aren't worth much... at all.
What you say, how you say it, when you say it, to whom you say it. That's it.

Hurting words, lies, angry words, name calling... and the list goes on... those words, they hurt. They cause scars that can never go away. Ever. You can apologize, you can say you won't do it again and maybe you won't... but in the end, the damage has already been done. We have an awesome God of forgiveness and we pray that those from whom we need forgiveness will find it in their hearts to do just that, but we know that those scars will remain.

I say these things to my children because it's important to me that they know that they make a difference in the lives of so many. That they have a responsibility to this world, to this society, to God, to be truthful and to use the great power of words for the good of His kingdom.

I say these things to my children because when I use those words, it's a reminder to myself how powerful and influencial are my own words.

O be careful little mouth what you say
O be careful little mouth what you say
There's a Father up above
And He's looking down in love
So, be careful little mouth what you say

Why I blog

This blog started years ago when I was in therapy.

My therapist said I needed a place to journal my feelings and thoughts without continually falling into the blame game (blaming myself for the destruction of pretty much everything – I’m very good at it). And this blog is my way of finding peace in all situations… a way to capture my life, my feelings, the “junk” I’m working through. And after years, I realize I want to have something to look at when I’m old and gray and say “Yes, I see the Lord very clearly in my life and I have grown in Him and with Him.”

Sometimes I blog about silly things, sometimes it’s more deep. At first it was a lot about my divorce because let’s face it, it was all consuming. But as I read through past blogs, the goal of my blog is actually coming to fruition. I see my ups and downs through the posts. I see where my heart was at the time. I see the yucky and I see the good.

If you read this blog, I hope you see it too because it’s a very personal opening into my heart. This blog was never meant as something public, I don’t publicize it, but obviously I can tell that people read it. I’ve heard from a couple who said they could identify and found themselves thinking of their own lives differently because of some of the posts. That’s pretty stinking awesome.

It’s a very rare day when I don’t ask the Lord to help me to be the salt and the light in this world.

You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father. – Matthew 5:13-16

And I fail. A lot. I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. But I am trying to do good. I am trying to be less like me and a whole lot more like Him.

If you know me, if you know my heart… well you know that my blog posts aren’t about hurting, they are about learning and finding joy in the now, in Him.

Loving the imperfect

I love being home. I love my home. I love the people who live in it, who visit it, who roam around it.

I am a homebody. You wouldn’t know it since we’re always whizzing here or there, but when I’m home… I love it. There are weekends I crave to be home. So I do. I stay. I love putzing around it… cleaning it, organizing it, painting it, dreaming about it.

I’d have to say, my home and I… we have quite the love affair.

Is it perfect? Nope.

I can list out the dozens of things I’d like fixed… but I love it and accept it just as it is, because it’s ours. It is our tremendously awesome blessing from the Lord.

Boy do I wish I could do the same with people.

Just love them regardless of their sin because they are “mine”, a blessing from the Lord in my life.
It takes work, doesn’t it?

With family, it’s different. We’re all a bunch of crazies living together wading through life together. But with others… yowzers.
God put so many different people in my life and that makes them all “mine”. They are my people because they are His people.
So why is it so hard to look past those imperfections at times? Especially when those imperfections are the things that God wants you to love them through?

God doesn’t ask us to love our situation when it’s perfect. He doesn’t ask us to love people when they are perfect. He asks us to love them now. Just the way they are. All messed up and broken.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. – John 13:34

Cause that’s how He loves me and my imperfect self.

Battles

Hey you...

Your struggle. You are in the midst of the battle. You want it to end. At times it seems too much. You feel helpless and lonely.

You aren't. You will overcome. He promises it.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. - John 16:33 ESV

I know it doesn't feel that way now... maybe it hasn't in months or years. I can't say that I understand your struggle. I wish I could. But then you don't understand mine either.

We're all carefully treading this world. Forever being swayed this way and that one. Two forces pulling for our souls. Who will win?

The fight is sometimes unbearable. Unending.
It will. You have to know that. You have to believe that. Trust Him. Always.