Friendship house

Who knew therapy would open SO many cans of worms?

As D and I discussed various thoughts boggling my mind lately, she happens to talk about the foundations of relationships and how all relationships (friends or other) are like pyramids and just like pyramids they need a good strong foundation. Without a good strong foundation the relationship will start to crack and eventually crumble. I agree.

So where is D going with all this? Then she moves on... friendships are like that too. huh? What? She starts to explain how there are "front lawn friendships", where you have people who you just talk to about the weather, stock markets, etc. In essence - nothing. Then there are the "front porch friendships", the ones where you have a third interest that pulls you together, such as work, a sports league, school, etc... These are the people that once the league/school/work is over you don't put in the effort to continue the friendship. Got it. Then there are the friends who cross the threshold with you and sit in the "living room". These are the friends that have something in common with you and you can share coffee but you don't get into too deep of details. It's pretty superficial. She continues that there are different relationships all over the "house" and she's wondering if we can dig deeper in it. Sure, I say, it sounds really interesting.

Alright, so I have all this information and I'm really interested in finishing up this "lesson" next week, and she wraps up by saying that you can't push or pull people into another room, you have to follow the lead of the person who is more resistant. If that person isn't ready to come in to your house, then you shouldn't be sharing "living room information" on the "front porch".

This info may not be very exciting to you guys but for me, it is. Here's the big "Aha!" moment for me. I try and pull/drag people from one room to another. Not many people, because I really only have a handful of "friends", but I realize that I tell people a bit more information right away to see what kind of relationship this will be. I think that if I throw my crap out there for you to see and you still want to be friends with me, then I can invest in this relationship.

D said I can't drag people into the next level of friendship because then I end up divulging all the info and I get nothing back. Yep. Been there. Done that. And now I understand why it is that I felt that way and why I retreat from the friendship or doubt myself and who I am as a person. I've also been on the other side where I haven't wanted to share a thing because I wasn't ready to go there but I end up doing it because I don't want to hurt the other person's feeling because I know what they are expecting and I just end up feeling ridiculous afterwards.

D and I are both very visual people and having her explain the house to me and the different stages really helped me understand this whole thing. I've known for a while that I was doing things differently than others but I couldn't figure out what that was. I'm going to be really conscious of where I am with people and what info I'm sharing. This should be a big eye opener for me.