I've known this was coming for about 1 week now and I knew I couldn't have this conversation with him. The words, the anger, the hate is what I struggle with. But I knew it was coming.
He got the paperwork today and saw the support amount. Not my calculation, the State's. Doesn't matter though... the anger is still directed towards me. No sense in trying to talk calmly during this time because I know I can't find common ground when his mind is filled with panic.
The strange thing about all this? I'm not feeling anxious, angry, defensive, or guilty. I'm sad. I'm sad because all the words that he throws out and the anger that he projects towards me, I feel and I absorb it and it makes me push myself further from wanting a friendship with him. I can feel the wall coming up. That's sad.
Of course to him, I'm the bad guy and to my friends I'm the pushover who's giving him more than he deserves. To me? To me, I'm just trying to be fair and manage this all with class. Ha! Divorce is probably the less classiest thing of all.
I'm doing what I feel is right and fair because when this is all over and the dust has settled I want to be able to look my children in the eyes and tell them that I didn't disrespect their father, that I made sure that they were taken care of and that I did it with dignity and respect for everyone involved. I don't want to make decisions or choose words based on anger or fear but based on who I am.
And with that I will continue to be constant and predictable. I will continue to treat everyone the way I would like to be treated regardless of the way I am treated. I will continue to breath...
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