Falling into faith

Easter is just around the corner and not only am I more focused on Christ's sacrifice for all of us, as unworthy as we are but I think about His mother and her journey through this all.

I find myself questioning how strong my faith would be in the face of my child's suffering. Mary knew, as do I, that we can't protect our kids from all of life's tribulations. It's hard enough to let go and to let them stumble when they make mistakes, but it's even harder to watch kids suffer at the hands of someone else, whether it be a school bully or thoughtless adult.

I remember once I took the kids to the pool and we were all playing when Reece accidentally ran into a little boy. Reece quickly apologized but the boy immediately turned around and stuck out his chest and patted it with his hands... he was ready to fight. I caught it and looked at him sternly and said "He apologized! Don't be ridiculous. It was an accident." And the little boy looked down towards the water and swam away. I had never felt an adrenaline rush like that before. I am non-confrontational, even with kids... so that was something new to me. I quickly realized that this is was the "Mama Bear" coming out of me.

I say all this thinking about how Mary must have felt watching her son be beat, tormented, spit on, essentially ripped apart before having to carry a cross to his imminent death. She watched on knowing that this was what was all for a greater purpose. Her son's suffering was going to save the tormentors, bullies, from hell. This was God's plan. But she was human. She must have felt the adrenaline run through her body. She must have felt immense pain in her heart. She had to not only lean, but fall into faith and believe, truly believe, that God would save their son. She had to fight the adrenaline, the need to protect.

I wonder... have I ever really fallen into faith? Have I ever really truly let go and do I fully understand that God has my very best interest at heart even when it doesn't seem like it. Have I put my entire life into his hands and completely let down my guard so that He could truly show me all that He has planned for me, for us? Have you?

Life is good

I've felt my soul start to be whole again. The last few months have been like putting together a puzzle of who I was and who I really am and now it feels complete.

I don't feel tired like I used, not that kind of tired. The constantly thinking, trying to make things better, trying to understand the inside of everyone's mind, his specifically.

I think this is very similar to the feeling I got right after I was saved 8 years ago. A newness about me. A weight off my shoulders. A new zest for life. I can certainly see the junk ahead, the things that aren't so great that I will have to deal with but it doesn't bring on anxiety, not like it used to.

I've been working my list of goals this week. Where I see myself in 2 years, 5 years... various trips and memories I want to share with the boys. I'm also working on my Happiness Project that I would like to launch in August - I'll keep you posted when I have a couple of concrete thoughts jotted down.

Life is good.

Easter alternative

Ah... and here we are. Holiday time. I knew this would come and when my best friend asked who had the kids this year for Easter I tip-toed around the subject - a lot. Truth is, I didn't want to know. Because if I didn't have them then what the heck was I going to do? ME??!!! The queen of holidays! The hostess with the... well, ok - not mostess but I do like to host and celebrate. But I knew I had to check.

Not my turn. Not this year.

Sure, I could go over to my in-laws' house. I love them all and they love me and we're all great together and stuff. But after thinking about it for a while, I need to be respectful for present and future relationships that may occur, mine and his. Would it be cool for me if when I'm in another relationship I go over and celebrate the holidays with his family because "that's how it's been for the last 11 years"? No, that wouldn't be cool. It wouldn't be cool for anyone involved, because it wouldn't be ok for me to invite the boyfriend along.

So... there you have it. I don't have the kids for the holiday and I need to start getting creative on various ways to celebrate on alternate days. It's not the day that matters - I know that. It's the celebration. So I'm thinking Good Friday sounds like a good day to celebrate it with the kids. We'll do the Prayer Walk at church, come home and have an Easter dinner/celebration and they'll go hang out with Dad for the weekend (it turns out to be his weekend anyway).

Perfect plan? Nope. But as I wrote before... I'm so over perfect.

These are a few of...

Your tantrums
Peeing through your Pull-Up... in my bed
Saying "No" to just about everything
Not wanting to keep your clothes on
Being a picky eater
Pulling all the books off the shelf
Counting on 3 fingers the things I know you'll definitely eat
Dressing, undressing, redressing yourself
Making big messes in the kitchen while you are "cooking"
Changing your mind 10 times within 5 minutes
Wanting to be by me every second of every day
Reading The Cat in the Hat for the millionth time
The way you intertwine your fingers in mine when we watch tv
Falling asleep in my arms
Asking me "I hold you?"
That you like to wear hats and/or clothes when you take a bath
The silly faces you make when you are pretending to be a grown up
Rocking out to Bon Jovi with the pots and pans
When you stick your feet under my legs when we snuggle at night

These are a few of the things I'll miss most as you grow up. I love you, Ryan.

Dancing in the rain

Reece and I were driving in the car yesterday afternoon when he said "Mom, 2008 and 2009 were really great years! They were my favorite so far! And 2010, I think, is going to be even better cause it started out so well!"

A lot of thoughts ran through my head. How can he think that? His life has been torn apart, his parents separated, he's had to move out of the only home he's ever known, share a room with his brother, change schools, make new friends, and see his dad just a few times a month.

But I began to look at it from his perspective. Yes, his parents have separated, but he has never doubted our love for him, he's moved away from his home, but he got a new place with a pool and barely any commute to church (which he hated!). Yes, he has to share a room with his brother, but he doesn't like to sleep in a room alone anyway. Yes, he's had to make new friends, but he has made them and he's a pretty popular kid. Yes, he only sees his dad a few times a month, but that time with him is quality time.

I worked so hard since the time he was born to make everything, life, as stable as possible. We had many get togethers with our friends and family for whatever reason. We celebrated just about everything. I wanted to give it all to him and his brother so that they would look back on their childhood and feel whole. And this past year, especially, I couldn't give any of that to them. I tried to keep things as stable as possible but I don't control the world. Honestly, I felt like 2009 was such a disapointment.

But the thing is, that's my idea of stability. That's my idea of what it "should" be like... Kids don't see it the same way. They don't see all the things that went wrong in the past year, they think of the awesome things that happened.

I have this saying hanging in my room:

~Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about dancing in the rain.~

Thank you, Reece, for helping learn to dance in the rain.

A little wake up call

I know it's because I got cocky. I had this thing down. I was where I was supposed to be "grounded" and all firm and stuff and then... well, I fell off the stinkin' podium (yes... I picture my grounded identity as a podium!). Can you believe it?! About 12 hours after I wrote my last blog and I fell all the way down.

Ok, I fell down, but I'm back on it. I stand firmly on my grounded identity and I am firmly shaking it off and putting myself back together. I suppose this is what I needed.

Alright, God. You got my back? We're back on! Lesson learned.

It's just like labor

I told D this morning that I am feeling more confident in my decisions, where I'm headed and that when I have an opinion, these days I'm not afraid to voice it. I am a lot less concerned about what my family and friends have to say about my choices, my life. I feel like I am a better parent, friend and all around better person because of this new "me". I tell her... I know what it is. I have, after 9 months of therapy, found my foundation. I'm honest with her, there are days I don't stand on it as firmly as I should, but I can always pull myself back on it a lot faster than before.

She asks how this all came about. She's noticed a change in the past few weeks, a really radical change. I explain that it's not one certain thing. It's a culmination of various things. The book we're reading together (TrueFaced), the hard stinkin' work I've put into therapy, applying and re-applying the things I'm learning, the constant questions and thoughts going through my mind on the reasons for my actions and my motives. It's exhausting, I tell her, but just like labor - it's worth it.

I'm not perfect and the thing is... for the first time in my life, I don't want to be. I'm never going to get it right and I'm not going to waste my energy trying. I'm going to accept me the same way God does, with a whole lot of grace. I know He loves me just the way I am. That regardless of the mistakes I've made and am sure to continue to make, that He will continue to love me all the same.

I'm not going to give up on anything, instead I'm currently working on some goals for my life as well as defining more clearly who I am. It's going to take some time and I'm ok with that. I don't have to have all the answers today... or next year... or ever!

Continue to breath...

I've known this was coming for about 1 week now and I knew I couldn't have this conversation with him. The words, the anger, the hate is what I struggle with. But I knew it was coming.

He got the paperwork today and saw the support amount. Not my calculation, the State's. Doesn't matter though... the anger is still directed towards me. No sense in trying to talk calmly during this time because I know I can't find common ground when his mind is filled with panic.

The strange thing about all this? I'm not feeling anxious, angry, defensive, or guilty. I'm sad. I'm sad because all the words that he throws out and the anger that he projects towards me, I feel and I absorb it and it makes me push myself further from wanting a friendship with him. I can feel the wall coming up. That's sad.

Of course to him, I'm the bad guy and to my friends I'm the pushover who's giving him more than he deserves. To me? To me, I'm just trying to be fair and manage this all with class. Ha! Divorce is probably the less classiest thing of all.

I'm doing what I feel is right and fair because when this is all over and the dust has settled I want to be able to look my children in the eyes and tell them that I didn't disrespect their father, that I made sure that they were taken care of and that I did it with dignity and respect for everyone involved. I don't want to make decisions or choose words based on anger or fear but based on who I am.

And with that I will continue to be constant and predictable. I will continue to treat everyone the way I would like to be treated regardless of the way I am treated. I will continue to breath...

Friendship house

Who knew therapy would open SO many cans of worms?

As D and I discussed various thoughts boggling my mind lately, she happens to talk about the foundations of relationships and how all relationships (friends or other) are like pyramids and just like pyramids they need a good strong foundation. Without a good strong foundation the relationship will start to crack and eventually crumble. I agree.

So where is D going with all this? Then she moves on... friendships are like that too. huh? What? She starts to explain how there are "front lawn friendships", where you have people who you just talk to about the weather, stock markets, etc. In essence - nothing. Then there are the "front porch friendships", the ones where you have a third interest that pulls you together, such as work, a sports league, school, etc... These are the people that once the league/school/work is over you don't put in the effort to continue the friendship. Got it. Then there are the friends who cross the threshold with you and sit in the "living room". These are the friends that have something in common with you and you can share coffee but you don't get into too deep of details. It's pretty superficial. She continues that there are different relationships all over the "house" and she's wondering if we can dig deeper in it. Sure, I say, it sounds really interesting.

Alright, so I have all this information and I'm really interested in finishing up this "lesson" next week, and she wraps up by saying that you can't push or pull people into another room, you have to follow the lead of the person who is more resistant. If that person isn't ready to come in to your house, then you shouldn't be sharing "living room information" on the "front porch".

This info may not be very exciting to you guys but for me, it is. Here's the big "Aha!" moment for me. I try and pull/drag people from one room to another. Not many people, because I really only have a handful of "friends", but I realize that I tell people a bit more information right away to see what kind of relationship this will be. I think that if I throw my crap out there for you to see and you still want to be friends with me, then I can invest in this relationship.

D said I can't drag people into the next level of friendship because then I end up divulging all the info and I get nothing back. Yep. Been there. Done that. And now I understand why it is that I felt that way and why I retreat from the friendship or doubt myself and who I am as a person. I've also been on the other side where I haven't wanted to share a thing because I wasn't ready to go there but I end up doing it because I don't want to hurt the other person's feeling because I know what they are expecting and I just end up feeling ridiculous afterwards.

D and I are both very visual people and having her explain the house to me and the different stages really helped me understand this whole thing. I've known for a while that I was doing things differently than others but I couldn't figure out what that was. I'm going to be really conscious of where I am with people and what info I'm sharing. This should be a big eye opener for me.