I went to see D again yesterday morning. I ended up crying for about half of it. She asks "Why do you feel the need to blame yourself for things that happen. Why do you have to put blame on something?" That's my homework this week - figuring out why I have to be able to point to something and say "Aha! That's what did it! That's what made everything fall apart."
I already know the answer: because it's a conclusion and it's something I can fix. I can tell myself that this time it didn't end the way I had hoped for or planned but I now know what I did wrong, so now I can do a, b, c, and d and this will never happen again. It's a way to avoid this pain. I know this because I avoid looking for blame in his actions.
Really though, the answer here is to let it go of the pain and the blame. And I'm working on it. I can honestly say that right now I'd be sad to lose his friendship. That I think he's a funny guy. That he's a great dad. That I pray that he finds the peace he's in need of. And that I'm glad he's part of my life as my friend and co-parent.
Ren, thank you for sending me the link to these blogs.
ReplyDeleteYou are the strongest, most beautiful person I have ever met and you are an inspiration to me, and probably to alot of others who have the pleasure of having you in their lives.
In 2010, as you begin this new and exciting year, I only hope that you continue to be your beautiful self, and that the beauty of life falls into your lap each and every morning!
Love you so much! <3
Cindy