And here we are.

We met up for dinner and headed to church because Reece has a tournament tomorrow. He came over so we could go through our "kid list" of stuff going on and how things were going with visitation/life in general. It seems like this new relationship is forming well. That's the thing with us, we've always been able to go with the flow even when our lives were going to crap.

He left after we had both cried. Him for the pain of losing it all, me in seeing one of my best friends lose it all. His life turned upside down because of a string of bad choices. I told him tonight that I truly forgive him, with all my heart. I'm rid of the anger I had inside me. I've greived for what I lost, what I thought I had, what I wish I still did. He seems to just have begun some sort of healing but he has a long ways to go. That's sad too.

The tightness in my throat won't go away. I looked at him broken and tried to figure out a million different ways to save this marriage so that his hurt would go away. Each way, a compromise of who I am. Nothing seemed right. Divorce doesn't seem right and neither does staying married. Limbo seems great though... but unfair to the both of us to continue to live like this.

He misses the kids. He misses me. I wish the clock would turn back 3 years... no 8 years when I felt something was starting to go wrong. The "rightness" of it all went away and I excused it.

And here we are. Almost 11 years later. This sucks. Up and down.