Protection

I've started running again... and when I say "started" I mean, I've been twice this week (my goal).

I love to run. I love it because there's no one needing anything from me. It's just me. With my raging thoughts, running and walking alone. It's glorious... I think about my life and my blessings. I talk to God. I think about my to-do list about my wish-list and about nothing at all.

Last night though, I saw a spot of the ground and a tiny memory came back. Just a bit of it. One that I've been trying to remember for a while now.

You see there was a time a few summers ago where I left my home and stayed with S. In my mind it was a Thursday through a Sunday but her version made my stay longer. I thought time had just mixed up her memory but it turns out... my mind blocked it out and I'm beginning to realize why.

It's normal to not remember every single part of your life, but when you are reminded, either by a friend or a song or a story, memories come back. You still remember it, it had just been stored somewhere else.

But for me. This particular time, I can't. I can remember everything leading to it, but that time at S's house. I can not remember. I can't remember and when I try it feels like a wall comes down in my head and blocks that memory. I can't remember if I went to work. I can't remember where the kids and I slept. I can't remember where we ate dinner (with her and her family or on our own?). I can't remember. And I've never asked her for the details... because I don't think I want to.

That little spot of the pond I saw last night... I took the kids there during that time. The sun coming down on the pond was the same was it was during that time. And that's all I remember. That and the feeling of deep deep hurt.

And that is why God has chosen to not let me remember. He knows that it's too much for me to bear. He protects, He comforts, He loves.