The Victim

I don't always have choice in what happens to me, but I always have choice in what I do about it.

I have heard this over and over and over again these past 7 months and until today, it sounded very nice but I didn't know how it applied to me. What does that mean? What am I supposed to do?

It means that choices have been made that had an impact on my life, a very deep impact. And although I didn't get a choice in that impact, I get a choice in how I respond to it. Let me be very transparent; for a very long time... long before my marriage, a time I can't pinpoint, I have been a victim. Bad, sad, terrible things have happened and instead of standing up and making a choice on how I was going to handle it, I didn't. I let other people's feelings and motives influence my reaction. I didn't get a choice because I didn't make a choice. I have been sitting around letting the bad choices that have enveloped bits and pieces of my life form the person that I am today. I pushed aside my self, who I am, in order to avoid conflict and other's suffering. I have been swallowed whole by fear. Fear that I would be rejected for seeing things differently than others. That I might not be accepted by my family, my friends and my God. I am done playing the victim. I have played that card too long. I played it in order to avoid making choices, because you see, when you make choices you have to take responsibility for those choices and when bad things happen to you, you aren't responsible for them.

I can see that now. I can see that my choices have always been fear driven and because of that, I haven't been free to be.

7 months later, or perhaps 29 years later, I have finally learned that it's ok that others don't agree with everything I do in my life, because I'm the only one who gets a choice in what I do with it and I'm responsible for it.

I choose to see the good in others. I choose that when they wrong me, I will continually choose to see the best in them. I choose to make choices that are based on my needs, my wants, my feelings. I choose to accept the hurt it causes others. I choose to fall into God's grace and I choose to enjoy it.

Choices, choices, choices

I take everyone to their word... but if I've been hurt/betrayed by you, I need to see action. I need to see that even when the world is falling apart, you stand by your word. That your actions speak where your words fail.

It's hard for me to wrap my mind around it all right now. I'm stunned, but not really. I envisioned this going differently, maturely, responsibly.

I'm working through being ok that it's not going to go well. That things are going to be cold and frustrating. That really sucks but I'm learning to accept it and let it go. It's all about choices, it's always been about choices and this is the choice.

Got it

These past few days have found me struggling with my "attitude".

I've been trying really hard to take the high road since this entire mess started and now, these past few days I've been pushed to my limit and I've said things that were just mean and hurtful, just to say them to him. I have, however, called back to apologize for those said things but still... I feel like biting down on my tongue would feel a heck of a lot better then saying things out of spite and then beating myself up later.

After letting mindless words seep out of my mouth today, I headed to a meeting and in the conference room, taped to the wall on a very large poster board were these words:

ATTITUDE
by: Charles Swindoll

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

The crazy thing is that I don't work for a Christian company and there, posted on the wall in ginormous font were those words. Thank you, God. I get it. :o)

11 years

11 years ago today, I moved to the United States. I followed my heart and moved to another country, far away from everything I knew. As hard as it is to be over 1,300 miles away from my home, my family, my roots... I know it was the right choice.

I am a blessed woman. I have had (so far!) a really great life, surrounded by really great people. I am in a city that I love, with friends and family that support and love me. I have an enormous God who "has my back" and loves me unconditionally.

Through many twists and turns, the last 11 years have brought me a lot of really good moments of hurts and loves. This isn't where I thought I would be when I drove across the country so long ago, but this is where I am. And I am home.

Curiosity killed the cat

Being curious about what others are going through is hard... especially when they are on the attack versus wanting to play nice with you. Honestly, it's just down right exhausting! And of course, anything exhausting is a direct order from D, my therapist.

It makes sense. When people react in a way that is surprising to me (as in a not so nice way), I'm supposed to ask more questions to figure out where they are coming from instead of immediately attack back. That's hard because everything in me wants to defend myself! I'm trying to be calm and answer the person back with empathy and respect. Dang therapy!

Of course, it seems like when I get this type of "homework" that's when I get bombarded with situations that require me to put my new skill to the test. I've been doing moderately well, but I still have a ways to go.

I'm PMSing, I'm tired and curiosity killed the cat. Help me, Lord!

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19

2 boxes of Tic Tacs and my contribution

So whenever something happens and I share with D she always asks "What's your contribution?" I hate that. Because sometimes I don't want to discuss it because sometimes I egged it on but sometimes my contribution was something positive and it turned into crap.

My contribution? Two people who were in desperate need of a financial break. Both wanted the best of both worlds, a good place to stay and some extra money in order to create some flexibility to do what they wanted to do. So I suggest, "Hey move in together!" What I must have failed to mention is "Hey, before you move in together, communicate. Sit, talk, chat about what life will be like when you live together. Talk about what could go wrong, what will go wrong and what you will do about it." Why did I fail to communicate that part? Cause I thought they'd figure it out on their own.

As I head over to the house to pick up the kids I ponder this situation while downing two boxes of Tic Tacs.

Now there are calls and texts to me about what happened; what went wrong. He said/she said. I can see both sides, that's the crazy part. She did this, he did that. Yep, I can see very clearly how it went down and I can see how both sides would end up being hurt and mad. I can see both sides of the mistakes made. Do I agree with either one of them? Honestly? Nope. I love them both very much but I can't take a side. That might be a sign of growth or a sign of shutting down. Either way, I'm fine with it.

My contribution: Not minding my own business
The result: Broken friendships

Peaceful Place

I know I'm going to be done with therapy soon because D is doing a lot more talking and I'm doing a lot more learning. This is a good thing. Talking about my week doesn't bring about tears anymore because I have the inner tools I need to be able to move through it on my own.

I am however a tad bit nervous (ok, who the heck am I kidding!? I'm freaking out) about this next part of therapy. I had three items to "reach" before therapy was done and I have 2 done... this last one is last because I've been avoiding it for a very long time. I don't talk about it, ever, and thinking about it makes me cringe. But I know I need to get through it so that I can be completely whole.

Today we talked about practicing finding a peaceful place in my mind when, during hard times - either in therapy or life in general, I can retreat to.

So D turned off the lights and turned on a lamp and I got comfy in my chair. I closed my eyes and she started calmly talking to me about finding that spot. What it sounded like, what it smelled like, what the textures felt like, etc... and as I thought of this place I was pleasantly surprised to find it on the island right next to the one my parents own. This tiny island where I spent countless summers exploring and romanticising the things that could have happened on it 100 years ago. This island is my peaceful place. At the end of it, on the other side of the trees, there's a spot where you can clearly see our cottage to the left and "Seagull's Island" straight ahead. The water is clear and shallow, so you can see the rocks and sand and little water bugs swimming around. In my peaceful place I am sitting on the rock staring out into the water and I can hear the loons hooting and the water slowly splashing up onto the shore. There's a warm breeze and the air is pure.

That's my peaceful place.

This week my homework is to take the time to find my peaceful place so that when I really need to go there I can do so very quickly and without closing my eyes.

So... my question is... what's your peaceful place?