Opening up my heart

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today I am worried. I'm worried about all kinds of things. Things we've discussed in great detail. We both know it's this stupid control thing because others, they have given it all to you once and forever. For me... it's a daily thing. Daily I have to give up what control I think I have and "give" it back to You.

So today, I'm giving it to You (again).

I don't know if I'm doing this mothering thing right. I don't always have the right words and I lose patience, I say careless things and I don't think I fully understand the impact until I have a moment of quiet. Then I over analyse and I am filled with anxiety over all these things. There are days when I go to bed feeling like I've messed them up for ever. That my words or my actions aren't enough or too much. I pray and pray and pray for them. I ask you, Lord for your protection over them. That you fill me with your peace and guide me every day in my words, in my action and in my love.

I am worried about our church. Not just ours but all churches. I pray that you spark a new life into its members. That we as a whole, prioritize our lives. That we not only identify but take action on the worldly views that surround us. That we have a servant's heart and that we truly begin to act as the body of Christ. That our hearts and minds are on You. That we refuse to let our homes and minds filled with "stuff" but instead filled with your Word.

And more specifically, I want to pray for my own over-committed and complicated life. I pray you help me to identify ways to simplify and make commitments based on the expansion of the Kingdom here on earth. Help me to use my spiritual gifts to make an eternal difference.

And finally, I pray that you bless my marriage. That You challenge me to be a godly wife. That You clear away my pride and my selfishness and that my soul is filled with the right words, the right actions and the right selfless love. I am a blessed wife. I want to remember that each day, each hour, each minute.

Amen.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. ~Matthew 6:34

SAHM vs. WOHM

Stay-at-Home-Mom (SAHM) vs. Work-Outside of Home Mom (WOHM)

I've read way too many blogs, articles and watched way too many interviews on this subject.

Here's the dealio people. Both of them have challenges. Both of them have benefits. Both of them cause anxiety and both of them cause great joy.

I truly believe that, regardless of whether my kids were "raised" in daycare (oh how I hate that phrase) or if I had stayed home 24 hours a day with them, my prayers, my faith in my God, my consistency in their lives and my unconditional love for them is what will make them good solid children.

SAHM and WOHM are raising their own children. They have different methods, they may even have different views but they are women. They are mothers. They love their children. They aren't better than one another; SAHM's don't get extra points for organizing the best playdates just like WOHM aren't getting any extra points for staying up all night with a sick kid and making the 8am meeting.

We get extra points for supporting each other. Even when we don't understand the other's world, we can listen, without judgement.

Because in the end, we all have had to watch Max and Ruby one too many times,  we want to shut it down by 8:30pm and watch some mindless tv and we want to share with our fellow sisters about the joys, the triumphs and the anxiety of being a mom.

My heart

I have spent the last (almost) 24 hours in deep spiritual study. At times at the feet of one of my beloved Christian teachers Beth Moore and at times in theological conversations with my bff S.

My heart has changed. My soul has been stirred.

I am now more determined than ever to find my place in this world. I know my gifts. I know my heart. So why am I having such a hard time finding a solid place to serve? Why am I struggling with my place in a church, a body of people who love and want to serve the Lord?

I don't know.

My heart is desperately seeking a place to feel at home. A place where it can give and be used to help the kingdom. It needs to make a difference... big or small, no matter... just... a difference.

I want to serve where my heart sings.

I'm so vein...

I lived much of my 3rd through 8th grade teased about a variety of things (as did most).
I had ears that stuck out.
I had a uni-brow.
I had some hairy legs.
I had a mustache.

Yep. Recipe for one messed up elementary experience.

In my eighth grade year the health care (in my native land - Canada) announced that after that year, it would no longer allow cosmetic surgeries to be a health care benefit. That's the year I let the government pay for my insecurities; I got my ears stuck back.

I took what God deemed wonderfully and fearfully made and modified it to minimize mean taunts. I'm not saying that it was right or wrong. I still struggle with the choice. Would I do it again? You betcha.

That year I also discovered a razor... for my brows (yeah, I know - bad, bad, bad!) and my legs.... and I found this for my upper lip issues. I grew up that year.

And when I entered high school the following year... the boys took notice.

I've since learned that I should wax or pluck my eyebrows, shaving my legs isn't as glamorous as it once was and the bleach... she's still one of my bestest friends. We meet about every two to two and a half weeks, whether I can see anything or not. I've seen the result of grown up girl 'staches and I can't let myself go there.

But here I am again. More imperfections.

I went to see doctor today about my latest body issue. My varicose veins. They've slowly been creeping up on the sides of my knees and it bothers me. A lot. Cause they are hereditary and I know what happens when it's not treated now.

I'm heading back in a few weeks to start the procedures. 2-3 treatments and those things should be gone... and my vanity... should be restored.

Pray for me.