On my knees

I am so mad.

I'm so mad, I want to call you and scream out all the things in my mind.
But I know that my anger comes from fear.

It comes from fear of failure. Fear that I am messing up as a mom. That we are messing up as parents. That because we are on two completely different pages, that they will be left with a childhood of confusion and angst.

He's old enough now to see the distinct differences between his parents and that scares me. We can't influence his thoughts anymore... he has his own and he's making his own conclusions.

My heart is broken because he's choosing to do and say whatever it takes to make you happy while sacrificing his own feelings and opinions because he wants you to be "happy". It's a part of growth, I suppose. It's just not something I was prepared for and I can't seem to handle it calmly. I am freaking out on the inside.

I don't know if I'm saying the right things or in the right tone or breaking him further. I hate not knowing. Not being able to control this part of his growth.

It's in these times that I feel so small and weak. That I truly understand that He is God and that I am not.

On my knees I fall asking for direction, the right words and the right heart through this.