Ugh!
Lately my posts have been such downers! Gross!
I'm actually in a very happy place right now. But like most... I tend to wallow in those yucky moments just a bit more than I should!
Life is CHAOTIC! Work has been crazy busy, church life is a bit harder to keep up with than normal and I'm dying for some serious quality time with the fam!
But life is good. So good.
This weekend the hubs and I are kid-less. I don't like being away from the kiddos but I know I'm needing some serious B time! So... we have a couple things planned and a whole lot not planned. Glorious.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
On my knees
I am so mad.
I'm so mad, I want to call you and scream out all the things in my mind.
But I know that my anger comes from fear.
It comes from fear of failure. Fear that I am messing up as a mom. That we are messing up as parents. That because we are on two completely different pages, that they will be left with a childhood of confusion and angst.
He's old enough now to see the distinct differences between his parents and that scares me. We can't influence his thoughts anymore... he has his own and he's making his own conclusions.
My heart is broken because he's choosing to do and say whatever it takes to make you happy while sacrificing his own feelings and opinions because he wants you to be "happy". It's a part of growth, I suppose. It's just not something I was prepared for and I can't seem to handle it calmly. I am freaking out on the inside.
I don't know if I'm saying the right things or in the right tone or breaking him further. I hate not knowing. Not being able to control this part of his growth.
It's in these times that I feel so small and weak. That I truly understand that He is God and that I am not.
On my knees I fall asking for direction, the right words and the right heart through this.
I'm so mad, I want to call you and scream out all the things in my mind.
But I know that my anger comes from fear.
It comes from fear of failure. Fear that I am messing up as a mom. That we are messing up as parents. That because we are on two completely different pages, that they will be left with a childhood of confusion and angst.
He's old enough now to see the distinct differences between his parents and that scares me. We can't influence his thoughts anymore... he has his own and he's making his own conclusions.
My heart is broken because he's choosing to do and say whatever it takes to make you happy while sacrificing his own feelings and opinions because he wants you to be "happy". It's a part of growth, I suppose. It's just not something I was prepared for and I can't seem to handle it calmly. I am freaking out on the inside.
I don't know if I'm saying the right things or in the right tone or breaking him further. I hate not knowing. Not being able to control this part of his growth.
It's in these times that I feel so small and weak. That I truly understand that He is God and that I am not.
On my knees I fall asking for direction, the right words and the right heart through this.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Step by Step
As a little girl, I never dreamed of being of step-parent. I don't think many of us do. But it's a blessing God granted me in July.
And I'm figuring out this stepmom thing one weekend at a time. "A" makes it pretty easy though. That's not the part I'm struggling with so much... I struggle with her mom. Not so much her mom but my place in their world. I know how important and special and mother/daughter relationship is and I don't want to interfere with that. I want to help it grow stronger. I don't want to hinder any of that.
But on the flip side, I want/need a relationship with A. So what does this stepmom relationship look like? I feel like I'm stumbling through this thing and I don't really have much direction.
I wonder...
Where do I fit in this mix?
What are my responsibilities?
What are not my responsibilities?
Are there things I shouldn't talk to A about?
How much input do I have in her life?
A's mom and I communicate well (I think) and I've told her a few times what a great job she's done with A. She (along with her husband and B) has done a spectacular job with her. I don't know how to tell her that I don't want in on what she and A have such a great bond. I don't want to take anything from them and I pray if I step over some toes, that someone tells me.
Not sure if any of that made sense. It's all a jumbled mess in my head. I think about the boys' future stepmom (someday) and how I would feel and what I would want/need from her. I would want respect, positive reinforcement, mutual goals...
So this week I've really been thinking about that. How do I do that for A's mom? Thinking... and taking it step by step...
And I'm figuring out this stepmom thing one weekend at a time. "A" makes it pretty easy though. That's not the part I'm struggling with so much... I struggle with her mom. Not so much her mom but my place in their world. I know how important and special and mother/daughter relationship is and I don't want to interfere with that. I want to help it grow stronger. I don't want to hinder any of that.
But on the flip side, I want/need a relationship with A. So what does this stepmom relationship look like? I feel like I'm stumbling through this thing and I don't really have much direction.
I wonder...
Where do I fit in this mix?
What are my responsibilities?
What are not my responsibilities?
Are there things I shouldn't talk to A about?
How much input do I have in her life?
A's mom and I communicate well (I think) and I've told her a few times what a great job she's done with A. She (along with her husband and B) has done a spectacular job with her. I don't know how to tell her that I don't want in on what she and A have such a great bond. I don't want to take anything from them and I pray if I step over some toes, that someone tells me.
Not sure if any of that made sense. It's all a jumbled mess in my head. I think about the boys' future stepmom (someday) and how I would feel and what I would want/need from her. I would want respect, positive reinforcement, mutual goals...
So this week I've really been thinking about that. How do I do that for A's mom? Thinking... and taking it step by step...
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Book Review and racing minds
I headed for our church library a couple Sundays ago to grab a book for the week but... I'd read all the Karen Kingsbury books they had. What's a girl to do? I love me some Karen Kingsbury. But my husband had shared some grumbles about my Kindle purchases, so I knew the library was really the way to go. In all fairness to him... he has a point. I've been devouring books lately!
So, our librarian suggested I try Lisa Samson... she said the books were different from Karen's (what?!) but that she thought I'd like 'em. So I gave it a shot.
Quaker Summer it was. I have to admit, it was a bit hard to get into the story at first because it's not structured the way I'm used to, but once I figured out the writing style, I was hooked.
It made me really think about my own life. About the stuff that spills out of my cupboards and my view on the church and what Christ asks of me, of all of us and especially, how slowly we can become worldly - lost in our surroundings and not particularly wanting to leave it's comfort.
I love books like that. That make me think.
But then sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I don't because they challenge my thinking. This one challenged my thinking.
Why do we fill our homes with things? Is it a way to fill a void or to proclaim some unspoken status? Do we serve others for our own glory or for His? Our service... is it meaningful or is it a way to find temporary meaning in our distracted and unfocused life?
What does ask God truly ask of me?
I live in a world unlike the one I group up living in. This one is full of posh and frills. Its streets lined with BMW's, flashy wedding rings, Coach this, Abercrombie that, and expensive perfumes. A world where Christmas is less about Christ and his birth, or even family and friends and more about the latest Apple products and their generation.
If this is what I see... what do my children see? What thoughts fill their minds on this superficial world? Can they see Christ in it? Can they shine their lights? Do they know how to shine their lights?
Do I know? And if I think I do, am I doing it? Am I leaving the world's view of what is "right and good" and clinging to Christ's?
1 John 2:15-17 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passes away, and the lust thereof: but he that does the will of God abides forever.
So, our librarian suggested I try Lisa Samson... she said the books were different from Karen's (what?!) but that she thought I'd like 'em. So I gave it a shot.
Quaker Summer it was. I have to admit, it was a bit hard to get into the story at first because it's not structured the way I'm used to, but once I figured out the writing style, I was hooked.
It made me really think about my own life. About the stuff that spills out of my cupboards and my view on the church and what Christ asks of me, of all of us and especially, how slowly we can become worldly - lost in our surroundings and not particularly wanting to leave it's comfort.
I love books like that. That make me think.
But then sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I don't because they challenge my thinking. This one challenged my thinking.
Why do we fill our homes with things? Is it a way to fill a void or to proclaim some unspoken status? Do we serve others for our own glory or for His? Our service... is it meaningful or is it a way to find temporary meaning in our distracted and unfocused life?
What does ask God truly ask of me?
I live in a world unlike the one I group up living in. This one is full of posh and frills. Its streets lined with BMW's, flashy wedding rings, Coach this, Abercrombie that, and expensive perfumes. A world where Christmas is less about Christ and his birth, or even family and friends and more about the latest Apple products and their generation.
If this is what I see... what do my children see? What thoughts fill their minds on this superficial world? Can they see Christ in it? Can they shine their lights? Do they know how to shine their lights?
Do I know? And if I think I do, am I doing it? Am I leaving the world's view of what is "right and good" and clinging to Christ's?
1 John 2:15-17 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passes away, and the lust thereof: but he that does the will of God abides forever.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wounds
I am the kind of person who can get along with anybody. I'll find a common ground and build upon it. I like people. All kinds of people from all walks of life.
For the last couple of days, I've been really struggling with why I would be downright rude with someone I've only been around 3-4 times. I was mean. Really mean. I felt so justified in my anger even when I knew in my head (and even verbalized it) that it really didn't make any sense. So why?
I have been thinking about this person for the past couple of days. And I figured it out. I now know why he rubs me the wrong way. I know why, with the limited knowledge that I have of him, there's something that I know that I can't move past.
I thought my wound had healed. But it's a pretty deep one. And to think it was completely healed was pretty naive of me.
Funny, isn't it? When you've been hurt, when you've worked hard on healing, stitching your heart back together, giving it away again... and then find out that you missed some pieces. That the thought of your wound, your experience, still makes your stomach churn and your eyes well up with tears.
So I'm not "over it". The wound has not healed. It aches less than it did, but it's still there. And I feel horrible that because of my insecurities and hurts, I can't get past some tings that I don't agree with concerning my future friend.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
For the last couple of days, I've been really struggling with why I would be downright rude with someone I've only been around 3-4 times. I was mean. Really mean. I felt so justified in my anger even when I knew in my head (and even verbalized it) that it really didn't make any sense. So why?
I have been thinking about this person for the past couple of days. And I figured it out. I now know why he rubs me the wrong way. I know why, with the limited knowledge that I have of him, there's something that I know that I can't move past.
I thought my wound had healed. But it's a pretty deep one. And to think it was completely healed was pretty naive of me.
Funny, isn't it? When you've been hurt, when you've worked hard on healing, stitching your heart back together, giving it away again... and then find out that you missed some pieces. That the thought of your wound, your experience, still makes your stomach churn and your eyes well up with tears.
So I'm not "over it". The wound has not healed. It aches less than it did, but it's still there. And I feel horrible that because of my insecurities and hurts, I can't get past some tings that I don't agree with concerning my future friend.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Confused.
I find myself struggling with doing what is Godly vs. what is worldly. On this particular struggle, the Bible is mute. So what is right?
I struggled with this one once before... when I was trying to figure out what God wanted me to do with my first marriage. It was a struggle. I wanted an email and God wouldn't send me one. And I'm pretty sure He won't send me one this time either.
So I sit and I pray. I work through my feelings and my thoughts and I try to listen for direction.
I'm not the judge. And I don't want to be. I want him to take responsibility. To make an effort.
Maybe he is and I am not looking at this the way I should.
Confused? So am I.
I struggled with this one once before... when I was trying to figure out what God wanted me to do with my first marriage. It was a struggle. I wanted an email and God wouldn't send me one. And I'm pretty sure He won't send me one this time either.
So I sit and I pray. I work through my feelings and my thoughts and I try to listen for direction.
I'm not the judge. And I don't want to be. I want him to take responsibility. To make an effort.
Maybe he is and I am not looking at this the way I should.
Confused? So am I.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Unfairly fair
There are many days that bring me right back there.
Therapy.
What I learned, what I still needed/need to work on, what I still struggle with.
It's like any addiction isn't it?
Control.
My need for it. My fear without it. My comfort in it.
It's not like it used to be. It's not over everything or everyone... I have grown in that sense. It's more control over schedules. Life is so busy crazy and I don't want to miss a thing. I want to relish in it, swim through it and enjoy every single moment of it.
I want to do that knowing that things will happen just the way they were planned.
Life.
That's the problem isn't it? It's not planned. It's not predictable. It's not a pattern. There's more than just me who gets to control the family calendar and that.is.not.fair.
Not Fair.
It's not. D said it to me numberous times. It wasn't fair yesterday, it's not fair today and it won't be fair tomorrow. It doesn't matter the amount of communicating, understanding, loving, and pleading I do. I can't make it happen.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11
Therapy.
What I learned, what I still needed/need to work on, what I still struggle with.
It's like any addiction isn't it?
Control.
My need for it. My fear without it. My comfort in it.
It's not like it used to be. It's not over everything or everyone... I have grown in that sense. It's more control over schedules. Life is so busy crazy and I don't want to miss a thing. I want to relish in it, swim through it and enjoy every single moment of it.
I want to do that knowing that things will happen just the way they were planned.
Life.
That's the problem isn't it? It's not planned. It's not predictable. It's not a pattern. There's more than just me who gets to control the family calendar and that.is.not.fair.
Not Fair.
It's not. D said it to me numberous times. It wasn't fair yesterday, it's not fair today and it won't be fair tomorrow. It doesn't matter the amount of communicating, understanding, loving, and pleading I do. I can't make it happen.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11
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