Time

The days are long but the years are short. ~Gretchen Rubin

It's true isn't it?

There are moments, days even, when I find myself wishing the time away - wishing the world away and other times when I want to push the pause button and bask in it.

Days... months... years  pass... Did I make the best of them? Am I making the best of the present? Am I truly making every single moment here on earth count. Am I leaving my children a beautiful legacy? What will they remember of me? Will they cling to their faith when the world rocks their hearts? Will my family know my heart? Understand my mission? How will others describe me when I'm gone?

I only get one shot. There's no do over.
The days are long and the years are short... I pray that I use my long days to make up for the short years.

Thoughts

Today I'm writing because...

... my heart is full.
... my head is spinning.
... the tears keep slipping.
... the truth is there.
... things aren't fair.
... it may have been true.
... it was confirmed to be true.
... the healing takes time.

Influence

"The people who influence us most are not those who buttonhole us and talk to us, but those who live their lives like the stars in heaven and the lilies in the field, perfectly simply and unaffectedly. Those are the lives that mold us.


If you want to be of use to God, get rightly related to Jesus Christ and He will make you of use unconsciously every minute you live." ~ The Utmost for His Highest (Oswald Chambers)

After reading this devotional, I sat on my bed and thought about the people who have molded who I am with their good or bad examples...

I've been touched. I've been changed.
I've touched and I've changed.

That's a frightening thought. Every day I work towards being rightly related to Jesus Christ but I know I fail. I'm learning, trying and I pray that as I move towards building a stronger, more consistent relationship that He'll be able to use more of me unconsciously every minute I live and use the other moments to demonstrate His grace in my life.

Life List

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark Twain

Here are 60 things I'd like to do in my lifetime. Goofy, serious, or just plain crazy - it's my life and I only get to live it once.

1. Swim with dolphins
2. Visit every State (USA)...
3. ...and Province (Canada)
4. Spend some time under the Tuscan sun
5. Rock my grandchildren to sleep
6. Own a forever home
7. Scuba dive
8. Spend an entire summer in Wawa
9. Go to Disney World with the kiddos
10. Take a cruise
11. Create life
12. Throw a giant just-because party for my friends and family
13. Own an elephant's painting
14. Take a dance class
15. Take a "girlfriends only" trip
16. Get paid to do what I love
17. Refinish a piece of furniture
18. Make some one's dream come true
19. Experience Mardi Gras in New Orleans
20. Be able to see my abs
21. Take a photography class
22. Anonymously pay for some one's groceries
23. Witness a birth
24. Make pasta from scratch
25. Make and can jam
26. Teach my children to be Godly people
27. Fly my nephews here for an entire summer
28. Write a book
29. See a Broadway show
30. Have my favorite scriptures memorized
31. Attend a Country Living Antique Fair
32. Grow/maintain a vegetable garden
33. Spend 3 months doing missionary work abroad
34. Lead someone to Christ
35. Lead a "green" life
36. Take one shopping trip that mimics the people from "Extreme Couponing"
37. See a professional ballet performance
38. Learn to surf
39. Visit the holy land
40. Climb an active volcano
41. Ride in a hot air balloon
42. Inspire someone
43. Visit the Grand Canyon
44. Learn to make pottery
45. Get a college degree
46. Build a Habitat for Humanity Home
47. Be an extra in a movie
48. Consistently send birthday cards to my loved ones + on time
49. Skinny dip in an ocean
50. Ride on a sail boat
51. See Bon Jovi in concert
52. Understand politics
53. Do a somersault on a trampoline
54. Love to wear swimsuits
55. Have an office/craft room
56. Run a half marathon
57. Go on an African safari
58. Write an article for a magazine
59. Retire comfortably
60. Live as a vegetarian for 1 month

Forest fires

I find myself redefining relationships. Relationships that I love and don't want to lose.

People. I love the people from these relationships. People who have seen parts of me that are silly, sad, genuine, ridiculous, honest and crazy.

I feel that at this moment. This time in my life, these relationships need my attention.

I have spent the better part of 2 years defining my relationship with my ex-husband and since that seems to be settling (fingers crossed, lots of prayers) into a nice groove, it's time to define the relationships, the loves associated to him.

In short, I need to figure out how involved I will be with his family. I love them. I love them to pieces. They are beautiful. We have been through more together in 10 years, than most go through in a lifetime.

I was very clear right after I separated that I wanted to have a good relationship with my ex-husband. I did not want bitterness, resentment or just plain crazy behavior. I knew what I didn't want. It didn't always work out the way I wanted it too, but I prayed a lot for patience, for a deeper understanding, and for the right words to say. We both failed but  after a couple of years, I think what we have now works well for the both of us. We're learning to respect our differences and to move forward as two individuals who parent some pretty amazing boys. Does he agree with me on everything? Nope. Do I agree with him on everything? Nope. Will we ever? Most likely not. But I'm ok with that. I'm ok with not agreeing on the little stuff as long as we have the same end goal. Two safe, solid, happy kids.

That relationship is moving forward. We're good. We've re-defined what we look like as parents vs. a couple. Now I stand at a place where I never thought I'd be. These people. These people I love mightily, where do they fit? What does that relationship look now that my relationship with the one person we all had in common is no longer the link?

It's sort of like a huge forest fire. The entire thing is crazy, chaotic and disastrous. What's left are ashes, dirt, death. As the dust settles, when the forest is left alone to heal it's wounds, the ground becomes fertile, healthy. It may take years, but eventually, through the ashes, a new forest grows. It will never again look the way it did, but it comes back non the less. Careful, beautiful, strong.

Jedis and Padawans

Yesterday was a terrible day. Work was very frustrating and when I picked up Monkey, his teacher told me about the 5 tantrums he'd had that afternoon (it's a record, right?). I asked him to apologize to his teacher for his bad behavior. He wouldn't. I told him if he didn't apologize to her, he wouldn't be going to t-ball practice. He refused (he's a bit stubborn).

No t-ball practice.

I drove away from the preschool with tears in my eyes. I knew I was right but I still felt lousy.

Peanut asked me if I was frustrated and I told him I was just sad. He asked why and I told him I didn't like to discipline because it made the kids sad and he said... "Mom. You're like the Jedi Knight and we are the Padawans. You have to teach us so that we can become a great Jedi just like you!"

Wow.

Thank you Peanut for your wisdom. You are so right my young Padawan.