You hold my hand when I'm feeling anxious.
You listen without interrupting.
You give me suggestions and advice without being pushy.
You love me when I'm unlovable.
You worship with me.
You are imperfect and perfect all in one.
You love me despite my many imperfections.
You are a great partner.
You are the keeper of my heart.
You are patient.
You have a beautiful heart.
You complete me.
I love you.
It's been a fabulous 11 months.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Fear
A year ago today, I filed for divorce.
I walked out of my lawyer's office feeling relief. Now and then it makes me cringe... feeling relief about doing something I know God hates. I rest in the assurance that God forgives, loves, and understands my heart.
I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The past three years had been filled with heartache, painful conversations, confusion over past betrayals and uncertainty of the true foundation of our marriage. I was scared to stand up for myself and he was scared to be the person God called him to be.
Fear. Fear will eat you whole. Fear will let you believe lies. Fear will permanently freeze your heart. Fear will hold you back from God's plan for your life. Fear. A four letter word that has incredible power.
I walked out of that office choosing to accept the grace, hope, and love of my heavenly Father.
Living in fear for so long... more years than I can remember makes choosing Godly grace, hope and love a daily effort. Choosing to open myself up again, to allow someone into my heart, to see me... the real me, can be challenging. Challenging, but no longer driven by fear.
I walked out of my lawyer's office feeling relief. Now and then it makes me cringe... feeling relief about doing something I know God hates. I rest in the assurance that God forgives, loves, and understands my heart.
I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The past three years had been filled with heartache, painful conversations, confusion over past betrayals and uncertainty of the true foundation of our marriage. I was scared to stand up for myself and he was scared to be the person God called him to be.
Fear. Fear will eat you whole. Fear will let you believe lies. Fear will permanently freeze your heart. Fear will hold you back from God's plan for your life. Fear. A four letter word that has incredible power.
I walked out of that office choosing to accept the grace, hope, and love of my heavenly Father.
Living in fear for so long... more years than I can remember makes choosing Godly grace, hope and love a daily effort. Choosing to open myself up again, to allow someone into my heart, to see me... the real me, can be challenging. Challenging, but no longer driven by fear.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Lost
I made a conscious decision to step back from ministry more than a year ago. My life was in transition and I knew I couldn't put as much effort and energy into my ministry as much as I knew it needed and deserved.
Now I'm back. Well... sort of. I find myself in an odd place, unsure of my next step. I love planning and implementing events. I love the chaos, the stress, seeing plans come to fruition. But is this really where God wants me? And if so, in what capacity? Where can I best use my gifts... and is it supposed to be in the same capacity as I have used them before?
Dear Lord, reignite my passion for ministry. Let me glimpse Your burden for those I come in contact with, and let me rediscover all over again why I love serving You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Now I'm back. Well... sort of. I find myself in an odd place, unsure of my next step. I love planning and implementing events. I love the chaos, the stress, seeing plans come to fruition. But is this really where God wants me? And if so, in what capacity? Where can I best use my gifts... and is it supposed to be in the same capacity as I have used them before?
Dear Lord, reignite my passion for ministry. Let me glimpse Your burden for those I come in contact with, and let me rediscover all over again why I love serving You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Enlightening
The girls from work and I had lunch together last week. It's always an entertaining time but today was more than that. It was enlightening.
The subject came up on dates and planning. Something that surprised us all? We all seem to like to know the plan, know it early enough (say... 24 hours) and stick to it. Are all women like that? Dare I say... inflexible?
I like to have a plan and when the plan falls apart or is altered I tend to do the same. I think I've been getting better at going with the flow (although some may disagree) but it's still such an adjustment in my head. We agreed that it's more of a mental thing than anything else. Women, it seems, mentally prepare themselves for just about everything. Haircuts; we have to mentally prepare for the cut and the (probable) disappointment. Birth; that's why we have so many classes to take... we need to prepare for the before, the during, the after and then the after-after. Evening plans; whether we have to go to the gym or we're going to a movie - two very different evenings that require different sorts of mental preparations. We tend to read more self help books than men because we want to know what is going on around us and how to mentally prepare or live through it. Life is tough and by golly, we need our minds to be ready for it!
Maybe we over complicate our lives by trying to stick to such stringent schedules/plans, but it seems to keep us feeling safe and the world, more predictable. Knowing what to expect in the next few hours, being mentally prepared for us, gives us some sort of peace. Peace, knowledge, an inflexible schedule... is that too much to ask?!
The subject came up on dates and planning. Something that surprised us all? We all seem to like to know the plan, know it early enough (say... 24 hours) and stick to it. Are all women like that? Dare I say... inflexible?
I like to have a plan and when the plan falls apart or is altered I tend to do the same. I think I've been getting better at going with the flow (although some may disagree) but it's still such an adjustment in my head. We agreed that it's more of a mental thing than anything else. Women, it seems, mentally prepare themselves for just about everything. Haircuts; we have to mentally prepare for the cut and the (probable) disappointment. Birth; that's why we have so many classes to take... we need to prepare for the before, the during, the after and then the after-after. Evening plans; whether we have to go to the gym or we're going to a movie - two very different evenings that require different sorts of mental preparations. We tend to read more self help books than men because we want to know what is going on around us and how to mentally prepare or live through it. Life is tough and by golly, we need our minds to be ready for it!
Maybe we over complicate our lives by trying to stick to such stringent schedules/plans, but it seems to keep us feeling safe and the world, more predictable. Knowing what to expect in the next few hours, being mentally prepared for us, gives us some sort of peace. Peace, knowledge, an inflexible schedule... is that too much to ask?!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Boys
Columnist Kathleen Parker: "By being reasonable, smart and fully awake: Reduce boys' exposure to violence, be there when they return from school, help them with homework, ask them about their day, let them cry if need be, support them when they're down, help them to see options, teach them to handle guns safely if you have them, reward good behavior, make reasonable demands, express moral expectations, talk to their teachers, and hug those boys every change you get. Don't ask them to be men when they're just little boys, but show them to be real men by demonstrating the thing we as a society seem to have lost: self-control. It's the greatest gift, and it isn't even rocket science. It's just good parenting"
I have a latch-key kid.
Self-control is a huge deal in our house (meaning it's a struggle).
I struggle with balance.
I love them like crazy.
I am doing my best and I still feel my best isn't good enough. I pray for God's guidance not only in my own life but in theirs. I remember crying for weeks after I went back to work after each one of their births. It sucked. I wanted to stay home. To watch them grow instead of stealing moments before and after work. Since my little Peanut has started school I have longed to be home when he gets home after school. To talk to him about his day. To make sure he knows I'm "present". I pray for strength, wisdom, guidance. I pray they know that I am here. I will listen, support, love and comfort whatever life bombards them with. Life with boys. I wouldn't trade it.
I have a latch-key kid.
Self-control is a huge deal in our house (meaning it's a struggle).
I struggle with balance.
I love them like crazy.
I am doing my best and I still feel my best isn't good enough. I pray for God's guidance not only in my own life but in theirs. I remember crying for weeks after I went back to work after each one of their births. It sucked. I wanted to stay home. To watch them grow instead of stealing moments before and after work. Since my little Peanut has started school I have longed to be home when he gets home after school. To talk to him about his day. To make sure he knows I'm "present". I pray for strength, wisdom, guidance. I pray they know that I am here. I will listen, support, love and comfort whatever life bombards them with. Life with boys. I wouldn't trade it.
Duplication
I want there to be 2 of me. That's not too much to ask, is it?
These days I'm feeling like I don't have a great handle on my mommy world, my working world, my dating world and my friendship world. It feels like I have a million things going on and I can't seem to really connect emotionally the way I want to with any of those worlds. Ok, my working world doesn't require a lot of emotional connection but it does need me to emotional be attached to what I'm doing in order to produce quality work. It's been tough because I'm an emotional person and I need those emotional connections to feel... well connected.
Last week was pretty stressful. I work in a male dominated industry and being a woman, working along side men can have its challenges. It's often hard to be taken seriously and that's a challenge itself but it seemed that last week being a single mom was more of a struggle than normal. Balancing work and the kiddos and doing it well... well, I barely survived. I have an amazing support system and I really couldn't do it without them. I struggle more than I should because if I can't do it with excellence, I don't want to bother. Today, my project wrapped up. I'm exhausted. I'm excited that the project was well done, but my body feels the late hours and the stress filled weekend.
When I get tired, I get crabby. I got crabby. A lot. An apology goes out to my co-workers, family and friends who had to see it, experience it, be a part of it. If anyone knows how to duplicate ones self for just a few hours, let me know
A new week, a new start. A less tired me.
These days I'm feeling like I don't have a great handle on my mommy world, my working world, my dating world and my friendship world. It feels like I have a million things going on and I can't seem to really connect emotionally the way I want to with any of those worlds. Ok, my working world doesn't require a lot of emotional connection but it does need me to emotional be attached to what I'm doing in order to produce quality work. It's been tough because I'm an emotional person and I need those emotional connections to feel... well connected.
Last week was pretty stressful. I work in a male dominated industry and being a woman, working along side men can have its challenges. It's often hard to be taken seriously and that's a challenge itself but it seemed that last week being a single mom was more of a struggle than normal. Balancing work and the kiddos and doing it well... well, I barely survived. I have an amazing support system and I really couldn't do it without them. I struggle more than I should because if I can't do it with excellence, I don't want to bother. Today, my project wrapped up. I'm exhausted. I'm excited that the project was well done, but my body feels the late hours and the stress filled weekend.
When I get tired, I get crabby. I got crabby. A lot. An apology goes out to my co-workers, family and friends who had to see it, experience it, be a part of it. If anyone knows how to duplicate ones self for just a few hours, let me know
A new week, a new start. A less tired me.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Now go and do
I read this verse over and over the other night. I looked it up in a few different translations in order to help me truly understand it's meaning. Here's the simplest of forms:
1 Corinthians 1:17-2:8 (The Message)
God didn't send me out to collect a following for myself, but to preach the Message of what he has done, collecting a following for him. And he didn't send me to do it with a lot of fancy rhetoric of my own, lest the powerful action at the center—Christ on the Cross—be trivialized into mere words.
I think some of us read the following from Luke 7:50 and think that's Christianity.
Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
It doesn't end there. We've been asked to do more.
As 1 Corinthians 1:17 declares, God did not just ask us to be baptized, putting faith in Christ alone. He asks us to be baptized and then follow it up with some action... because we are baptized and we've been given that amazing gift, we are to share it with others. And we have to live it. I love how Paul says it in the next verse "he didn't send me to do it with a lot of fancy rhetoric of my own". I'm so glad about that because I'm not really a fancy speakin' person. :o) Plain, simple. Yep. that's me.
A few years ago I heard that Christians are more "on fire" within the first 2 years after their baptism. It's during this time that the world looks so different and the possibilities are endless, we want to tell everyone about the new "club" we've just joined. However after a few years, the world (as it's know to do) squishes up a lot of that beautiful enthusiasm and the Word isn't shared as much.
Why does this happen? For me? It's because I'm scared of what people will think, because of hurtful comments or being afraid to be viewed as a hypocrite because of my past behavior or my current stumbles. Or I've been asked questions I'm not always sure how to answer. Re-reading the above verse... the message is clear. God is far less concerned about my comfort than He is my character. I'm not trying to collect a following for me, but one for Him.
1 Corinthians 1:17-2:8 (The Message)
God didn't send me out to collect a following for myself, but to preach the Message of what he has done, collecting a following for him. And he didn't send me to do it with a lot of fancy rhetoric of my own, lest the powerful action at the center—Christ on the Cross—be trivialized into mere words.
I think some of us read the following from Luke 7:50 and think that's Christianity.
Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
It doesn't end there. We've been asked to do more.
As 1 Corinthians 1:17 declares, God did not just ask us to be baptized, putting faith in Christ alone. He asks us to be baptized and then follow it up with some action... because we are baptized and we've been given that amazing gift, we are to share it with others. And we have to live it. I love how Paul says it in the next verse "he didn't send me to do it with a lot of fancy rhetoric of my own". I'm so glad about that because I'm not really a fancy speakin' person. :o) Plain, simple. Yep. that's me.
A few years ago I heard that Christians are more "on fire" within the first 2 years after their baptism. It's during this time that the world looks so different and the possibilities are endless, we want to tell everyone about the new "club" we've just joined. However after a few years, the world (as it's know to do) squishes up a lot of that beautiful enthusiasm and the Word isn't shared as much.
Why does this happen? For me? It's because I'm scared of what people will think, because of hurtful comments or being afraid to be viewed as a hypocrite because of my past behavior or my current stumbles. Or I've been asked questions I'm not always sure how to answer. Re-reading the above verse... the message is clear. God is far less concerned about my comfort than He is my character. I'm not trying to collect a following for me, but one for Him.
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