Raising Humans

When they say babies will change your world, they (whoever "they" are) don't just mean babies, they mean humans. These little people you give birth to - those people will change your world.

They will rock it and roll it and throw it and crush it.

"They" don't mean right after birth when you're so tired you could sleep anywhere and your body is so sore from being ravaged by giving birth. Nope. That part? It's a piece of cake.

"They" don't mean the toddler tantrums or having to repeat yourself a million times or even the inevitable grime that comes with toddlers. Nope. That one isn't so bad either.

And "they" certainly don't mean any of the elementary years. That's just plain easy.

"They" mean middle school through adulthood.

What. The. Heck. Was. I. Thinking?

Listen, I read the books and I listen to wise counsel but I still want to lose my ever loving mind. I've come to the conclusion that God has a twisted sense of humor because I am not at all qualified nor capable to be a parent of a tween or teen or young adult.

There are days I don't think I should be in charge of myself. For real.

No one told you that as a parent you can feel every single feeling possibly identified all at once. Those humans rock me. I would die for each one of them and then there are days I understand why animals kill their young. Raising humans is hard, people. So very very very hard. I can't even find the words to explain the challenges we face.

I can tell you that my faith is the only (and best) thing holding me together. I rely on Him today and will continue until the day I die... which could happen rather quickly since I'm raising humans who make my hair change colors - who knows what's happening to the rest of my body.

I gasp at 12.

Hey sweet Monkey -

What is happening to my little boy? You turned 12 just a few days ago and it seems 11 is far gone.

11 is when you gained a bit more control and got to decide more things for yourself.
11 is when you made many new friends.
11 is when you lived a whole year as a big brother to foster kids.
11 is the year that as a big brother, you helped me a ton by being my sidekick.
11 is when you started middle school.
11 is when you found your "style."
11 is when you decided you were going to try out for the school musical.
11 was a hard year and an easy year all at once.

But boy were you ready for 12.
I wasn't. I'm still not.

12 means you are that much closer to 13 and then 14 and then...
I want to keep you little forever even if it means going back to huge tantrums and crazy loud preschool days. I want to keep you little forever because I see the snuggle days slowly disappearing, I see the baby part of you slipping past.

I love you to pieces, sweet boy. You make me proud (and a better mom).
You are perfect just as you are.

I love you more than you'll ever know.
Mom
xo

Jumbled Thoughts

I haven't written in forever and I can tell.
My thoughts are a jumbled mess and my feelings are right there with it.
Lots of thoughts.

• The chaos of the world.
• The lack of grace that surrounds us.
• People wanting freedom of speech but not if it offends them.
• God's plan for my life and whether or not I'm doing it.
• Am I being all that I can be?
• Am I too controlling? 
• Do I give in too much?
• How am I as a wife? 
• Am I meeting my kids' expectations?
• Do I do an ok job balancing life?
• I should feed my kids a healthier menu.
• When should I argue with my husband and why should I keep my mouth shut?
• I talk too much.
• Maybe I'm too dramatic.
• Trying to maintain a sensible balance with my kids' dad.
• Foster Care balance.
• Expectations - theirs and mine.
• I want to have better, deeper connections with my girlfriends.
• My never ending to-do list.

So that might be why I'm tired. But that's also how I thrive.
It's kind of nutty and I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles here.

One thing I know for sure. I need to start writing again - it helps unjumble my thoughts.

God's Chisel

Posting as a reminder:

God's chisel!

(Charles Naylor)

"Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows." John 16:33

"Man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward." Job 5:7

Suffering is the common lot of all mankind, and of the animal creation. People who do not have much else from which to suffer--suffer from trifles or from imaginary ills--but all suffer. Sinners and saints alike, know the rankling of the sharp arrows of pain. Even those whose lives seem most prosperous and sheltered, cannot fully escape.

Suffering has a useful place in the economy of God. It is a severe schoolmaster, but a good one, whose lessons may be costly. But if they are properly learned, they become golden treasures that enrich life.

Suffering is God's chisel with which He carves His image in the heart!

Suffering gives understanding--it illuminates life's dark places and solves riddles.

Suffering develops patience and endurance, and strengthens the fibers of the soul.

Suffering develops discipline and gives self-control. It reveals and develops latent virtues. It ripens and enriches the character.

To be sure, such results follow only when we meet our sufferings in the right way. If resist suffering and become resentful and pity ourselves or murmur against God--the fruits will be bitter indeed!

Since we choose the attitude we hold toward our sufferings--we determine whether they shall . . .
make us, or mar us;
bring joy, or sorrow;
bring the sweetness of Christ's fellowship and comfort, or the darkness of despair.

What God does with our adversities and our sufferings, is to transmute them into the gold of godly character. They prove to be blessings in disguise--but blessings nevertheless. Again and again in the Scriptures, we are told of the blessings that come through suffering and pain, disappointments and testings. Yes, sufferings, losses, adversities--all these things we so desire to shun--work "for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory"--if we patiently endure them and submit to God's sovereign and loving will.

Fragile

I feel very broken for the past few months. Fragile, really.

Like pieces of me are ready to shatter. I have to keep the pieces pulled in so I don't fall apart. 

But then sometimes I do and the pieces still feel loose and gentle. 

It's just a season of life that is tender. I know it won't last and 5 years from now I will wish this time back. Maybe.

Right now I take slow breaths and tread carefully. Unsure of each step.

Life looks different than it has in so long. 

It's a good life. A happy life. But it's fragility is at the surface.

I look at them and pray they understand my heart. That's the part that makes me fragile - the realization that they don't. That who I am is a mystery to them.

Holding on to His promises I take a step and then another and my hope is in Him.

BK Fam Poetry Night 2018

It wasn't when I met him

Not even when I met her

It wasn't when I told them

Not even when they met her

Carrying us over the seasons

And through holidays and birthdays

Into an engagement and a wedding

Did it happen then and that way?

It wasn't then that it appeared.

Settling in to a new chapter

Starting this new adventure

A never ending sleepover

It didn't happen on a certain day

Or even week or month

It just was there one day

Like it had always been

Some say created by commitment

Others the stories we share

It could have been the arguments

It could even have been the giggles

The thing that make us ours

This thing that crept up slowly

This thing that took time

Is a thing we call family

Created from broken dreams

Bringing together the imperfects

Weaving together our story

Creating beauty from the ashes

Sweet 16

And as life would have it, I got busy and crazy and missed my post for your 16th birthday. Forgive me, sweet boy?

16 years ago I gave birth to a screaming baby boy.
Let's just face it, that first year was hard on both of us as we got to know each other. One thing was very easy though, loving you. You've always been easy to love.

You have one of the most beautiful hearts I have ever seen.
Your passion for life is contagious.

Growing up hasn't been your favorite and funny thing is... it was never mine either.
Seeing you grow up and reach various milestones has been difficult for me - it means you're closer to paving your own way.

I pray for you daily, that you would find your path and it bring you joy.
I pray you follow Jesus.
I pray you will continue to find laughter throughout life.
I pray you never lose "you" in a world who wants nothing more of you than to conform.

Right now you talk to me, allow me to lay in your bed and snuggle you, you send me funny texts, we talk heavy stuff and ridiculous stuff.

We celebrated your birthday a little early with a "surprise" birthday party. It was incredible to see the kids who came and the amount of love for YOU that was locked up in the gym that night. You are loved.

You have been part of the "Goon Squad" for about 4 years now and seeing you with B, N, and Z is one of the greatest things. You guys "get" each other and you are so goofy together. These guys have your back, Peanut.

You've not yet decided what you want to do when you "grow up" - I'm not too worried about it... I haven't either. :) Whatever you decide, it will surely be a blessing to the world.

I love you, I love you, I love you.
Je t'aime, Je t'aime, Je t'aime.
Mom
xo

178 days

And so this chapter ends.
For 178 days we were blessed to get to know you, love you, comfort you, laugh with you, and hug your worries away.

Sweet I,

You will be forever etched in our hearts as a brave, sarcastic, smart, and loving boy. You love puzzles, dinosaurs, seek and find books, books, adventures, and movies.  You pray the sweetest prayers to Jesus, making sure to pray for every single person at the table and for every single thing we are eating.

You are very protective over your momma and siblings and that melts our hearts.

We will be praying that you continue to grow big and brave and you hold in your heart that you are loved by many.

Go make big things happen, I!
Love, me.
xo

Sweet K,

You, sweet boy, are strong, caring, and tenderhearted. Your imagination and love of dancing have kept us laughing these last few months. You love to color pictures for mommy and play with Playdough. Your constant energy and curiosity of everything are just two of the things we love most about you.

We pray that your strong spirit will continue to lead you to Jesus. You have the sweetest words to Him - keep talking to Him, King! He's listening.

Go be a strong leader, K!
Love, me.
xo

Miss K,

Spending the first few months of your life with you has been a blessing. You are such a happy baby. Your laugh and smile melt our hearts. You have everyone at daycare and here at our home wrapped around your little finger. We have loved to watch you grow and explore the world around you.

We pray you will take steps towards Jesus and you'll love Him as much as we love you.

You have filled our hearts with lots of love and we hope you felt the same in yours.

Let your sweet light shine, K!
Love, me.
xo

Stretched

We got our 10 day notice yesterday that our trio is heading home.

A few days shy of 6 months.

It's incredible to look back on this half year journey. They came to us late one night as a temporary placement while the agency looked for a long term placement. We said we wouldn't take 3 kids - we would only do one at a time. Less than 24 hours later, we claimed them as ours. I couldn't let them go. I couldn't let them relive a new home all over again. I couldn't pack up their clothes in that trash bag and ship them out.

For 6 months I have loved them like my own. I have gotten up in the middle of the night and rocked a baby, wiped up puke, rubbed backs and bellies, went to numerous doctor appointments, brushed teeth, wiped tears, gotten the best hugs, played with cars, made lots of puzzles, rediscovered preschool loves, and cried over the stress of it all.

I'd do it all over again. And I will, with another child.

This time with these nuggets has stretched us as individuals and as a family. We doubled the amount of children in our home and that has caused some sharing of attention and space. We have had to live with uncertainty for a long stretch of time - nothing in Foster Care is a "for sure". And our once quiet house has turned into a non-stop noise machine.

We are going to take the next couple of months to devote on our bio kids and each other as a couple. We will refocus and do it all over again because... well, that's what we've been called to do.