The Fog

I just had lunch with a friend... I feel I can say "friend" now because she now knows a lot about my junk and that to me means, she's a part of my story.

As we talked, we got deep into our junky past. My heart is filled with a bit of anxiety. That stuff is hard to re-live but re-living it is really the only way to work through it. As we talked, I realized that that part of my life seems foggy. My memories are alive and clear, but I can now see that my life was lived in a fog of that made my reality.

A reality that I forced to be true in order to find a good solid normal. Looking back, I can see the triggers, but during that journey it all seemed ok. I was a mouse in a maze and my maze was good... until it wasn't.

I'd like to think that now my life is clear and bright but I know it's still just a fog and... in ten years I will look back again and see my mistakes. See my reality in a different way. A more mature, more peaceful way. I will see the off ramps I could have taken and didn't, I will understand my consequences, and I will cherish the lessons.

Love

"... right now your tired and emotional and you shouldn't make any decisions. Just roll over and I'll rub your back."

And that, is one of the many reasons why I love him.

Ringing in the New Year {2015}

I realize it's been 9 days since the beginning of 2015. I realize that my head is full of things to document on my blog and I haven't done much about it. But what I also realize is that I'm trying to be kinder to my Type A self and so I'm going with it... 9 days after the start of 2015, I'm blogging about it because I want the memories etched in my mind for a very long time and writing them out is the best way I know how.

Back in November I brought it up. I told him I wanted to invite a few people over for the New Year cause I wanted to do something fun this year. Typically, the kids invite a friend, they do their thing and I work on church stuff while B sleeps next to me. Not this year. No way. I want to PARTY! Or at least play games and see the time change.

So he obliged.
B is not one for big parties or loud rompus, so this my friends, was a big deal.
My "few" friends turned into 30+ people... whateves - it was a blast!

B organized a ping pong championship, the girls played the largest game of Apple-to-Apples ever (14 players?!), we talked, we ate a ton and we laughed even more.

Just before the clock changed to midnight, I pulled out the pots and pans and wooden spoons and the kids headed out on the deck to ring it in, the old fashion way. They giggled and laughed and banged just as hard as they could. And when they were in the midst of popping poppers and snapping snappers, B hollered at me by the patio door and I sneaked over we kissed just a minute into the new year.

It was wonderful.
I can't wait to do it again this year!

Under Construction Once Again

Lately I feel like I've been failing much more than I'm victorious.

This happens every time I make a valiant effort to grow my relationship with Christ. Every.single.time.

My growth period is hard, folks.

I'm snappy. I'm sappy. I'm a little bit of a mess.
But I love it.

It just means that Satan knows I'm rocking it. Knows I'm doing His will and he's mad about it.
Tough nuggets.

Since going to therapy I'm all about analogies these days - (did you know most men understand more with analogies then long drawn out words about feelings?) so right now I feel like I'm in an egg and I'm slowly outgrowing it. Soon, I will hatch. And soon my soul will be a bit more whole and the lesson God is teaching me will be pressed into my heart and I will be a better follower.

I will. And it will rock.
But until then, you're all stuck with the sappy and snappy.