Mine

There's nothing like a man who's got your back. A man who truly goes out and fights for you. For his family. For what he believes in.

Flawed, broken, imperfect. He's mine.
He's wrestled demons, he calms my storms and he grounds my way too anxious head.

Ours isn't a perfect life, but it's pretty stinking close.

The in-between

It's that place I like the least. The place between the plan and the action... the place where waiting is the name of the game and patience is the thing that is exercised.

The in-between.

I am patient. Just not that kind of patient. I want to get to the place where everything is revealed. When actions can start and the talking can stop. The back and forth... the what-ifs... the hypotheses.

The in-between.

The place where God is at His best... where we grow, we lean, we are carried, by Him, on Him, and with Him.

The in-between.

A time where we are at our worst and He is at His best.

Step-Parenting

I find step-parenting difficult.

Not for the reasons you might suspect.
I find step-parenting difficult because I have so much love for A that I could easily love her just like my own... but I can't. Because she's not. She has a momma and she doesn't need me to be that to her.

She needs me to be a mentor, a confidant, an extra shoulder to lean on, to love her, to hang out with her, to buy her the stuff she'd die if her dad had to, the one who "gets" her. But not a parent.

We're not the full time house, we're the weekend house. We don't have a full grasp of her reality. We experience school, home life, friends, car-pool through her eyes, not our own.

Sometimes it's difficult because the line is fine and sometimes I wobble back and forth depending on her needs. I don't want to overstep any boundaries, I don't want to hurt feelings, I just want to do what A needs from me at that time. Whatever that may be.

On the flip side of the uncertainty, boundaries and feelings is a super fun side. I get to plan fun times, create sweet memories, and show her a different culture and way of life.

I do find step-parenting difficult... because I have so much love for her and managing that is difficult.

Quality of Communication

A friend of mine posted the following on Facebook:

The "Quality" of my life is based on the "Quality" of my communication...

If I could shout this from the mountain tops I would! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

I am a true believer of communication. I communicate... a lot. I want to hear what you have to say. I want to say things to you. I want to talk about things and most importantly I want our relationship to progress. For me and you to get anywhere, we need to communicate.

Wikipedia says this about communication:

Communication (from Latin "communis", meaning to share) is the activity of conveying information through the exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, visuals, signals, writing, or behavior. Communication requires a sender, a message, and a recipient, although the receiver need not be present or aware of the sender's intent to communicate at the time of communication; thus communication can occur across vast distances in time and space. Communication requires that the communicating parties share an area of communicative commonality. The communication process is complete once the receiver has understood the message of the sender.

Yep. And lately I'm just not feeling like people are communicating with me... or with each other. And when that happens, people (me included) make up our own conclusions in our heads. And there's lots of crazy stuff happening in my head so you shouldn't want to add more crazy to it. :)

So what I wish to communicate with you today is that if we all just communicated, not just talked, we would be better. My life would be better, your life would be better... the world might even be better.

This week has been rough. I'd like to communicate that with you. It's been rough and I'm ok. I leaned on Him and I communicated with Him. I heard Him. I felt Him. I love Him.

Lying my choices away

I don't like being lied to. Or feel like the truth is being omitted. It has got to be one of the worst feelings ever. It makes everything in me tight with stress.

I've been asking myself why this one sin bothers me so much. Maybe because it is the root of so many other sins...

I want to know all the information. It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel confident in my choices. It helps me understand the whole story. I feel more sympathetic and empathetic.

Is it because then, I feel more in control? Is that a bad kind of control?

Maybe it's because when I am lied to I feel hurt that I wasn't trusted enough to share the truth. That someone took a choice from me by keeping it from me.

Don't lie. I might not like it, I might have to make choices neither one of us like, but they are my choices based on your choices.

Anxiety and me

I struggle with anxiety. It’s started about 8 years ago (give or take a year) and it doesn’t seem to be going away. I am prone to attacks during times of conflict… family conflict. Weird, huh? My own family doesn’t spark the fire that is “anxiety” because with them, I feel safe in control. We KNOW each other. We’ve been through crap together… lots of it and I know this is the real deal. They aren’t going away and I’m not leaving. We’re in it.

Anxiety seems to strike when I feel like I can’t defend myself, like my heart isn’t being heard or it’s being all twisted into someone else’s false perception. It’s when I feel weak in the circumstance.

My body shakes. I get cold. Thoughts run through faster than I can process. So I pull my hands together and I pray. Lots. I pray the same words over and over again.

You are in control. Take it. It’s Yours. You are in control.

I’ve been seriously considering going back on some anxiety medicine that I took during my separation… with much thought and prayer I think for now, for me, I’ll continue to pray that God removes this struggle from my life and when it attacks my heart, I’ll continue to pray through it.

It IS His. It’s not mine to carry. He wants to carry it.

Colossians 1:28-29

So we tell others about Christ, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all the wisdom God has given us. We want to present them to God, perfect in their relationship to Christ. That’s why I work and struggle so hard, depending on Christ’s mighty power that works within me.

Decisions

We had to make a decision and we didn’t make it lightly. We have prayed and prayed over this for months. Tears have been shed, long night time talks and days filled with anxiety. And it won’t end for a while.

We knew that in making this decision would result in no winners and no losers. And we knew that by not making a decision would end in the same results. But in the end it came down to a child. A child who doesn’t have a choice about the surroundings. A child who wants something different. Who has asked for something different. With whom we are madly in love. For whom we are responsible. Because of that we are taking these steps.

We prayed that we could do things differently. We asked questions. We prayed some more. We prayed for healing. We prayed for peace. We prayed for hope. We prayed for truth. We prayed. We prayed. We prayed. And we put our faith in His promises. His light. His love.

I ask that you pray for us. For all of us… them, us, all those involved. Pray for healing, for direction, for hope, for peace. Pray that through this God will be glorified and magnified. That our eyes will be fixed on Him. On His Word, on His guidance and on His love.

I know You’re there.

I know You see me.

You are the air I breathe.

You are the ground beneath me.