Day 30

I'm grateful for the God's grace.

Day 29

Today, I'm grateful for God's Word.

Day 28

I'm grateful for reliable transportation.

Day 27

I'm grateful for inner peace.

Day 26

I'm so grateful for quiet, peaceful moments with my kids. They are God's ultimate gift.

Day 25

Today, I'm grateful for (as corny or overused as this may sound) my amazing family and friends.

Day 24

Today I'm grateful for quiet evenings (ok couple of hours) with B. That was nice.

Distance

I've never felt the distance as much as I feel it now.

He's there, healing from a traumatic surgery and I'm here, healing from the pain of being far away. I've been praying for his comfort and peace after the surgery... when the fight to heal begins. It's strange to hear him fearful when all I've seen is strength. He's human. He's loved.

Je t'aime fort, fort, plus que tout les nuages.

Day 23

Today I'm grateful for technology (some!). I am so blessed to instantly be able to talk to those I love despite the distance between us.

Day 22

I'm grateful that my dad is surrounded by amazingly skilled doctors.

Day 21

Today I'm grateful to have a washing machine in my apartment. Soothing achy tummies and being able to keep sheets/blankets clean at the same time is such a blessing!

Day 20

Today I feel grateful for the abundance of food in my fridge.

Day 19

I'm grateful to be able to live in a warm home.

Just say it like it is

As I dropped my little monkey off at preschool this morning, a few of his friends approached me and wanted to chat. M wanted to talk first and told me his name, his full name. I shook his hand and told him I was "R's" mom and that it was nice to meet him. Next came B who wanted in on this conversation. I shook his hand as well and told him that we were just talking about him in the car - that his name starts with a "B!". He smiled and told me his daddy was picking him up today. M piped in and told me his mom was because his daddy didn't live with him. He went on to tell me his daddy hurt him so he's far far away and he doesn't know where B and his mom live. I told him it was very awesome that his mom loved him so much that she wanted to keep him safe and that I was sorry his daddy did those mean things to him. He would have gone on and on and I could have listened longer but it wasn't the most appropriate place to have such conversations, with other children surrounding us and his teachers seemed pretty uncomfortable.

My heart breaks for B. I'm thankful that his mom was able to leave a very bad situation and find a safe place for them to live.

The thing that struck me as B chatted with was his openness and the way he shared so freely his life's struggles.

That is my absolute favorite thing about children. They just say it like it is. There's no mask to hide behind, there's no pretending to be a certain way or that their lives are perfect and amazing.  They just talk to you and tell you their lives trusting you, believing that what's happening in their lives is just as normal as what is happening in yours.

The truth is, it is.

My life is just like B's life. It's imperfect and crazy. It's scary and fun. It's lovely and wicked. It's life.

When did we start pretending ourselves and our lives to be better than others? When did we learn to judge and ridicule that which we don't understand? When is it that hiding our hearts, our struggles was better than being real and authentic? Why does being real and authentic make others uncomfortable?

I might not say what I'm supposed to say. I might not tell  you what you want to hear. I might offend and hurt you. I might make you extremely happy. I might break your heart. I might do all kinds of crazy, unexplainable things but one thing I promise to always strive to do - be real.

Day 18

I'm grateful for the silly times I get to spend with my boys. The laughing, tickling, joking... they are pretty awesome... moments and kids!

Day 17

Today I'm so very grateful for my Bible. For being able to find exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.

Discipline

There's something you should know about me. I hate to discipline. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

It probably has something to do with my pink colored glasses and my "can't we all just get along?" attitude.

I understand that children will live most of their childhood fighting to get more independence. I totally get it. I was a kid too before I turned into this big grown up who'd like to give some, if not all, of my independence back. 

I understand why I get attitude, I understand why I get whining, I even understand the throwing of objects (not that it's acceptable, but I get it). I understand all that stuff because I do it too. God has heard it all. I whine, I give Him attitude and I have... as embarrassing as it is, thrown objects.  So I get it. Sometimes that's the only way to communicate when you are feeling flooded with emotions and words don't come easily.

What I don't get is that when I ask simple, very non-crazy requests that I get a huge meltdown and 20 minutes of screaming. Dude. Really. Your shoes need to go on your feet for us to be able to leave the house. Just your shoes. I'm not forcing you to wear a tutu or tiara. Just the Iron Man shoes. That's it.

So I do what I hate doing. I discipline. I yell (which I hate), I threaten and I follow through. If you can't quit screaming, you don't get a book at the book fair. We went, we got books for the child who made good choices and the one who chose to make bad choices left... without a book... crying.

Ugh. That's why I hate discipline. It not only hurts him but it hurts me too. I want happy, I want peace, I want lollipops and skipping. I want to see my kids smiling, not crying and I'm learning that God does too but that the only way for us to learn (and grow), we must cry and scream and... be disciplined.

Deuteronomy 8:5
Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.

Day 16

I am so grateful for the women that surround me at work. They not only keep the workplace interesting but they challenge my ideas and thoughts and I appreciate it!

Day 15

I'm grateful to be living in an area where I can be exposed to so many different cultures. Learning from others, being able to share thoughts and ideas freely, for me, is one of the greatest things.

Learning

Being without my kids two weekends a month has been quite a learning experience for me. It's been positive in the sense that when I was/am alone, without them, I've had to really learn who I am as a woman, not just a mom. A lot of women have to learn this very quickly after their kids leave for college and sometimes that can be very difficult... I've been able to wade into this slowly.  This was something that really weighed heavily on me the first few months and, honestly, I still struggle with it at times. Who am I when there aren't little ones needing me?

But I wasn't prepared for this new little experience.

I'm beginning to realize that there are plenty of things I did as a wife that I can not do as a girlfriend. I haven't dated in a very long time... actually I was married longer than I dated, so the wife thing, it's pretty natural to me.  The girlfriend thing, not so much.

These things I think about doing aren't things I would think twice about doing if I was married but as a girlfriend I tend to see this invisible line... in therapy term "boundary" that I don't think I want to cross. I don't think it would be horrible to cross it but I want to be respectful towards B and others involved (including kids, ex's, friends, family).

So I'm learning. I'm learning to be patient and to let things roll out the way they will. I'm learning that as much as we are a part of each others' lives, we aren't in each other's lives. I'm learning the difference.

My year of therapy has helped me to look at all the situations that come into my life as a new learning opportunity. A time of growth. Taking time to look deep inside my soul and understanding who I really am. So after 7 1/2 months of dating... I think I'm figuring out this girlfriend thing.

Maybe.

Day 14

I'm grateful for lazy Sunday afternoons.

Day 13

Forgiveness and love. Two of the most important and amazing gifts from God. I'm grateful for them today.

Day 12

A full belly, a comfy couch, surrounded by 3 pretty awesome guys. That's what I'm grateful for today.

Day 11

Today I'm very grateful for all the men and women who sacrifice and serve their country as well as the families who support them. 

Day 10

I'm grateful for a career that keeps me challenged and motivated.

9 years ago

9 years ago, you were born.

9 years ago, they placed your tiny wrinkled up body on my chest and at that moment I knew I would never be the same again. I kissed your little cheeks and rubbed your back and wished you a happy birthday. You cried and cried while the nurses poked and prodded but stopped quickly when they put you back into my arms. Both of us knowing you were where you belonged.

You are growing up so fast. I can see the pieces coming together and your opinions being formed about this world. You are fighting hard to make a place in it while trying to figure out what that place looks like.

I pray you will:
- turn to God before turning to anyone else.
- find the good in all situations.
- be true to who you are in Christ.
- not settle for less than the best.
- be protected spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
- have a constant love of learning.
- fully understand my love for you.
- take risks and open yourself up to get hurt... it's the only way to grow.

When you hurt, I hurt. When you have joy, I have joy. You hold a part of my heart, I never want back.

Happy Birthday, Peanut.
I love you,
Mom

Day 9

I'm grateful for peaceful mornings.

Day 8

I'm grateful for Mondays.  Really. It's a new start. A new week with new possibilities.

Day 7

I'm grateful for S. She's been there with me through quite a bit and she still loves me! :o) She's helped me face some serious fears and for that... I'll always be grateful!

Day 6

Today I'm feeling especially grateful for beautiful fall days.

Day 5

I am grateful for changes in seasons. Weather, life, moods... seasonal changes are good.

Day 4

Today I am grateful for B. The way he loves me and accepts me, just the way I am.

Day 3

I am grateful for my parents. Even when we don't see eye to eye, we always see heart to heart.

Day 2

I'm grateful for my children. They teach me more than I could ever teach them. I would never truly understand the meaning of love without them.

Day 1

In the spirit of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday I'm going to post for 30 days about what I'm grateful for...

I'm thankful for God's love, guidance, forgiveness, control and presence in my life.

Hangover

It's like waking up and having a really bad hangover and asking yourself "What was I thinking?"

Yep. That's what I felt this morning. I'm sure if I would have seen D this morning she would have smiled and looked over her little board and asked me what I thought about my recent behavior.  Because I've let things slip, I've gotten comfortable, lax even and my actions haven't been as concrete as they should have been.

So I did what I was taught to do. Look inside myself, figure out what I'm comfortable with, what my boundaries are and set them. Again. It's so easy for me to let myself get really comfortable and let things go because I trust everyone. Sometimes it works for me... sometimes it works against me.  Interestingly enough, I tend to attract people who do not trust easily.  I suppose that can create a learning opportunity for all if we are all on the same page but sometimes it just means I get burned.

A call was made, boundaries were reset and I'm looking forward.