I know people don't mean it because I say things all the time without thinking -- I like to call it "word vomit". Anyway, still... it makes me wonder how many things I've said that I didn't really think about before saying.
As I was leaving for lunch yesterday I walked out with a work acquaintance. I asked how her Christmas shopping was going and she was obviously having a hard time in her marriage right now and it came down to money and spending habits. Ok, I got that. I sympathized. Money is a HUGE issue and she looks over at me and she says "Sometimes I wish I was in your situation. I mean, I don't know the details but it's an easy out, right?" I was speechless. Like I said before, I've had two others tell me the exact thing. That they wished they had been betrayed by their husband because it seems like an easy out.
Ok. I get that. But still. It hurts. It's not an easy out - if it were, I would have been out a long time ago. It's complicated, it's heart wrenching, it's physically and emotionally exhausting. It makes you re-think every single detail of your life, analyze what could have gone wrong, how it went wrong and how much of that wrong is going to stay wrong. It changes who you are as a person. I will never again be the same person I was the moment before these betrayals and that is unfair.
In light of that elevator conversation mentioned above, I'd like to say "If I have ever (and we all know that I have) hurt you with word vomit, I am truly, deeply sorry. Your hurts are real and not like anything anyone would ever want or understand, because they are yours and yours alone."
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Have to vs. I do
I saw D this morning - it is Monday after all. What a great way to start the week. Sobbing in a therapist's office. Gotta love it!
Alright, but here I was trying to figure out what in the world I'm supposed to say. Trying to stop my regular talk and start learning this new way of talking/thinking in order to make these thoughts in my head make more sense.
I finally identify a "part", the part that never is happy with me. She's a downer that one. She wants me to get it all right, all the time. Ain't gonna happen - I know that but she pushes hard. Then D repeats something she said last week: Instead of saying/thinking "To be a a good mom I have to xyz". I should be saying/thinking, "I am a good mom, and because of this I do xyz." Wow!!! It's a paradigm shift. It's using my strengths to strengthen me. That thought, that new way of thinking, lifts a weight off my shoulders. This isn't just about parenting for me, it's about everything. I am a good daughter because I do xyz. I am a good friend because I do xyz. And the beauty of it all is that I don't have to add more things to my to-do list. I'm simply taking what I have, my gifts and identifying them in my life. I'm not going to stop growing as a person but I am going to stop beating myself up for the "have to's" I can't reach.
So maybe bawling for an hour was worth it today... I am a good patient because I do the work away from the office! :o)
Alright, but here I was trying to figure out what in the world I'm supposed to say. Trying to stop my regular talk and start learning this new way of talking/thinking in order to make these thoughts in my head make more sense.
I finally identify a "part", the part that never is happy with me. She's a downer that one. She wants me to get it all right, all the time. Ain't gonna happen - I know that but she pushes hard. Then D repeats something she said last week: Instead of saying/thinking "To be a a good mom I have to xyz". I should be saying/thinking, "I am a good mom, and because of this I do xyz." Wow!!! It's a paradigm shift. It's using my strengths to strengthen me. That thought, that new way of thinking, lifts a weight off my shoulders. This isn't just about parenting for me, it's about everything. I am a good daughter because I do xyz. I am a good friend because I do xyz. And the beauty of it all is that I don't have to add more things to my to-do list. I'm simply taking what I have, my gifts and identifying them in my life. I'm not going to stop growing as a person but I am going to stop beating myself up for the "have to's" I can't reach.
So maybe bawling for an hour was worth it today... I am a good patient because I do the work away from the office! :o)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Feelin' like me
Things that make me feel like me ~
- Poofy hair
- Laughing
- Playing tackle with the boys
- Smelling nice
- Wearing sweatpants
- Wearing heels
- Reading a book in the bathtub
- Sitting outside on a warm sunny day
- Going home (Canada)
- Sitting around at the cottage
- Sleeping in
- Snuggling with the kids
- Watching movies with my girlfriends
- Organizing my home (or others')
- Drinking hot cocoa and warm apple cider
- Laughing at myself
- Baking
- Lighting scented candles all over my home
- Getting lost in the world of possibilities
- Poofy hair
- Laughing
- Playing tackle with the boys
- Smelling nice
- Wearing sweatpants
- Wearing heels
- Reading a book in the bathtub
- Sitting outside on a warm sunny day
- Going home (Canada)
- Sitting around at the cottage
- Sleeping in
- Snuggling with the kids
- Watching movies with my girlfriends
- Organizing my home (or others')
- Drinking hot cocoa and warm apple cider
- Laughing at myself
- Baking
- Lighting scented candles all over my home
- Getting lost in the world of possibilities
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
November 10, 2009
You are eight.
Where has the time gone? I remember bringing you home from the hospital and sitting next to you thinking "Now what?". You have kept me on my toes from day one. Teaching me about patience (yes, I'm still working on it), showing me love like I've never known before.
You are wise beyond your years in the things that you do and say. This morning I urged you to eat some bananas to help settle your stomach and you said "I will, Mom. And you don't ever have to say "I swear" to me because I know your word is true." I now understand that you do listen to me when I repeat again and again how your word is the only thing you have in this world. I should know this because you seem to remember, EVERYTHING and you remind me if I forget something or another.
When I snuggle with you at night, I whisper "Mommy loves you", and I know you'll answer "Reecie loves you, too" - you can't imagine how that warms my heart, you've been saying the same thing since you began to talk.
You are such the planner, last year you had your next three Halloween costumes picked out and this morning you asked what next year's party theme would be! And you have decided on 5 different careers and in which order you will be fulfilling those roles. You crack me up.
Everytime we get in the car I know I'll soon hear "Mom, what if..." and you start inventing a story that would never in a million years happen, but you want to fill the silence. I have to be honest, I sometimes don't hear the entire story but I know you'll finish with "That would be cool, right, Mom?" to which I always reply "Totally". You sometimes tell me your friends tell you that you talk too much but I reassure you that I don't think you do (ok... there are moments) and that I used to talk a lot when I was little (and maybe even now).
You are tender hearted and sweet. You are growing to be such a great gentleman, opening the door for ladies and helping me with grocery sacks without being asked.
You never want to hurt feelings and are so saddened when it happens accidentally. You're a great big brother, helping Ryan with whatever he needs and are quick to apologize if you've been too rough with him.
When you hear comments about how you and Ryan have blonde hair and look a lot like Daddy, you remind me that you have my eyes and that you are much more like me than Daddy in an effort to spare my feelings.
Reece, I want you to know that it doesn't matter to me whether you look like Daddy or me, because when I look at you, I don't see either one of us. I see a lot of Jesus' characteristics. You love God and Jesus so much. You know right from wrong and you try your bestest to follow His commands. When you disobey you ask to be disciplined because you know there are consequences to each one of our actions. When we pray at night I can hear your relationship with God growing stronger and that couldn't make me any happier.
You have the heart of a hero, Reece. You have something so special inside you that isn't part of some genetic formation of your little self but a true gift from God. God has blessed you, sweet boy and in turn has blessed me.
Happy birthday, Reecie
Mommy loves you.
xoxo
Where has the time gone? I remember bringing you home from the hospital and sitting next to you thinking "Now what?". You have kept me on my toes from day one. Teaching me about patience (yes, I'm still working on it), showing me love like I've never known before.
You are wise beyond your years in the things that you do and say. This morning I urged you to eat some bananas to help settle your stomach and you said "I will, Mom. And you don't ever have to say "I swear" to me because I know your word is true." I now understand that you do listen to me when I repeat again and again how your word is the only thing you have in this world. I should know this because you seem to remember, EVERYTHING and you remind me if I forget something or another.
When I snuggle with you at night, I whisper "Mommy loves you", and I know you'll answer "Reecie loves you, too" - you can't imagine how that warms my heart, you've been saying the same thing since you began to talk.
You are such the planner, last year you had your next three Halloween costumes picked out and this morning you asked what next year's party theme would be! And you have decided on 5 different careers and in which order you will be fulfilling those roles. You crack me up.
Everytime we get in the car I know I'll soon hear "Mom, what if..." and you start inventing a story that would never in a million years happen, but you want to fill the silence. I have to be honest, I sometimes don't hear the entire story but I know you'll finish with "That would be cool, right, Mom?" to which I always reply "Totally". You sometimes tell me your friends tell you that you talk too much but I reassure you that I don't think you do (ok... there are moments) and that I used to talk a lot when I was little (and maybe even now).
You are tender hearted and sweet. You are growing to be such a great gentleman, opening the door for ladies and helping me with grocery sacks without being asked.
You never want to hurt feelings and are so saddened when it happens accidentally. You're a great big brother, helping Ryan with whatever he needs and are quick to apologize if you've been too rough with him.
When you hear comments about how you and Ryan have blonde hair and look a lot like Daddy, you remind me that you have my eyes and that you are much more like me than Daddy in an effort to spare my feelings.
Reece, I want you to know that it doesn't matter to me whether you look like Daddy or me, because when I look at you, I don't see either one of us. I see a lot of Jesus' characteristics. You love God and Jesus so much. You know right from wrong and you try your bestest to follow His commands. When you disobey you ask to be disciplined because you know there are consequences to each one of our actions. When we pray at night I can hear your relationship with God growing stronger and that couldn't make me any happier.
You have the heart of a hero, Reece. You have something so special inside you that isn't part of some genetic formation of your little self but a true gift from God. God has blessed you, sweet boy and in turn has blessed me.
Happy birthday, Reecie
Mommy loves you.
xoxo
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Peace
Nothing has changed for me. I'm still me, trying to figure me out. I'm going through some pretty intense feelings about nothing and everything and working my way through what seems like a cobweb in my head. I don't have any answers to my life. I'm taking 30 days to pray about peace in my heart, whatever that may be. I can't go on pretending it all away but it's harder to find the peace I desperately need, harder than I thought. I have my recovery plan with D and I'm doing some homework on my own, trying to have the relationship with God we both need (God and I). This isn't about you at all, it's about me. It's about what I want and that... That's unclear and has been unclear to me for about 25 years.
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