I'm back... well sort of.

I tend to feel one of two things when I leave D's office on Monday morning - either overwhelmed or rejuvinated. Today I feel rejuvinated. Something clicked. Actually a few things clicked.

I mentioned that I had had a great weekend with the boys all to myself. That we had visited with a friend from our old neighborhood, played outside on Saturday (Reece found a new friend at our complex!) and that I had dinner/playdate with my SIL and how we had just lounged around on Sunday. It was a really great weekend. And she pointed out that I had pretty much been a hermit crab for a while... and I realized that I have been. I haven't been going "out" with people that I love, that's unlike me. I haven't been connecting with the outside world. I have been clinging to the one person who I know totally "gets" me and whom I feel 110% comfortable with, but there is a whole other world I dropped when my world fell apart. I also talked about how I poured over some magazines that I love and it sparked a little more "life" into my soul and gave me a new creative perspective.

And to top it all off, I'm starting to understand "Parts" a little more (http://www.selfleadership.org/node/7285) and I feel like I can recognize where I am and where I've been because of them. It's totally cool now to understand why I do certain things, say certain things when that's not at all what I mean. I'm also learning that I am in a "Manager" part a lot and I'm learning how to get myself out of that with D's help. Knowing that I'm growing, understanding and able to make changes is SO refreshing and amazing. But before I get to carried away, I know I still have A LOT to learn and do to get to where I need to be. I think for a while I was looking at the mountain, understanding the mountain and now I'm ready to start climbing the mountain. Woohoo!

On a side note, not only am I understanding when I was in a part (trying to stop it before it happens is the goal) but I'm starting to understand when others are in a part as well which makes me more empathetic and understanding towards behaviors that don't correspond with that person's "normal" self.

So today is a totally good day. Today, I feel like God is walking next to me... which is probably a good thing because I like having Him next to me instead of being carried all the time.

That's so random

This is hysterical!

I would have written on my blog sooner then now, however I couldn't find the stupid thing! I Googled to look for it, but since changing my settings, I can't find it that way. I tried and to go through the blogs I follow to see if I can get in that way... nope. I tried to look through my gmail account, nope. And now as I type, I don't really know how I found it but I did add the sucker to "Favorites"! Done!

Today is a good day. I'm making progress in this new life that I'm trying to create. Do I know what I'm going to do decide on my "big decision"? Nope. Am I ok with that? Yep. So here I am.

I spoke at church on Saturday for about 15 minutes. It seemed shorter but I couldn't ignore the big red sign in the back flashing "YOU ARE OUT OF TIME. WRAP IT UP." -- so I guess I ran over. Um... I wasn't too surprised I went over. It was totally fun and I had more to say but the tech people don't like when you mess with the schedule.

I've been really random today but this seems like my head lately. Thoughts flying every which way not making any sense. And I'm ok with that. :o)

fearfully and wonderfully made

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

This blogging world is a new one for me... I'm not sure if it will stick or not but in reality it's just another way for me to work through all my "gunk". Journaling isn't helping like I thought it would because it's generally not directed where it should be. I'm hoping that knowing that this is posted online will help me work through stuff as I type it. Doesn't make sense? It does to me! ha!

I'm having to remind myself often that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" - hence the name of the blog. I meet with D every Monday morning and sometimes I feel like I'm making so much progress in therapy and sometimes I look a little too far ahead and realize I have so much left to do. Right now my focus is to put the focus back on me. That's tough. I remind myself again as I leave every session that God made me this way for a reason. That I'm perfect just this way, but that I've broken and healed time and time again and the scar tissue needs to be removed so that I can be better, be stronger, be all that He wants me to be. When for 29 years I've worried about others and their worlds. Cared more about their well being then my own, it's hard to just stop and start something new. I once explained it as playing Monopoly with a different set of rules. Doing what is more natural is obviously easier but that's not the way to win.

So here I am.

"Sitting it in" as D calls it. Watching those that I love suffer great pains and all I'm supposed to do is "sit" with them and listen. I can't actually "act". I can't call someone or track people or services down to help these people. I can just sit and support with words and hugs.

This sucks. Today was rough. I have to sit and suffer with him. I have to let his pain be his pain, when all I want to do is say all kinds of things I'm going to regret later so that his pain goes away. I want to reduce his anxiety because seeing people hurt is almost unbearable. In the long run, I know that this is right. It all still just sucks.

I want my rose colored glasses back. They were nice and gave me warm fuzzies all the time. Someone said ignorance is bliss and I agree - reality sucks.