Ugh! That really makes me mad... mad at myself for allowing it to happen.
You see I struggle with pride. That's my big bad dark yucky struggle. I hate it. My pride comes from having to feel good enough. If I do things well, then I will be accepted and when I'm doing it well I don't give it to whom it's due... I hold onto it so that I might feel just a little better about myself, my accomplishments just a little longer.
I have been in recovery but just when I thought I had overcome that ugly thing, it reared it's ugly head and on Thursday night I found myself back to square one.
You see, I try so hard to get this life right. My goals are just like anyone else's - be a good wife, mom, employee, friend, etc... but overtime it starts to consume me:
"Oh! You're so patient!" - must be more patient
"Wow! You turned this project around so quickly!" - turn the next one around even more quickly
"You're place is so clean." - must always be clean when this person comes over
I have to be enough and more. I will be worthy. Of what? My husband's love, my kids' adoration, my friends acceptance... the list goes on and on.
And when I fail, when I get criticized in the places that I'm trying harder to "be better", I fall apart. I break. And I broke. And it wasn't pretty. I'm still trying to put me back together. Trying to process my fall and pull together a recovery plan.
Once again I find myself climbing back onto my grounded identity. The one that tells me:
| I am accepted... | |
| John 1:12 | I am God's child. |
| John 15:15 | As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ. |
| Romans 5:1 | I have been justified. |
| 1 Corinthians 6:17 | I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit. |
| 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 | I have been bought with a price and I belong to God. |
| 1 Corinthians 12:27 | I am a member of Christ's body. |
| Ephesians 1:3-8 | I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child. |
| Colossians 1:13-14 | I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. |
| Colossians 2:9-10 | I am complete in Christ. |
| Hebrews 4:14-16 | I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ. |
| I am secure... | |
| Romans 8:1-2 | I am free from condemnation. |
| Romans 8:28 | I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances. |
| Romans 8:31-39 | I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God. |
| 2 Corinthians 1:21-22 | I have been established, anointed and sealed by God. |
| Colossians 3:1-4 | I am hidden with Christ in God. |
| Philippians 1:6 | I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me. |
| Philippians 3:20 | I am a citizen of heaven. |
| 2 Timothy 1:7 | I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. |
| 1 John 5:18 | I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me. |
| I am significant... | |
| John 15:5 | I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life. |
| John 15:16 | I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. |
| 1 Corinthians 3:16 | I am God's temple. |
| 2 Corinthians 5:17-21 | I am a minister of reconciliation for God. |
| Ephesians 2:6 | I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm. |
| Ephesians 2:10 | I am God's workmanship. |
| Ephesians 3:12 | I may approach God with freedom and confidence. |
| Philippians 4:13 | I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. |
I am real. I make mistakes. I fall apart. I am not perfect. I don't want to be and I never will be.
I am His and He is mine.
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