Sitting in it, yet again.

Just when I think I've moved past the hurt, it comes back and over takes me. Sometimes it's my mind reliving the pain and sometimes it comes through in a physical kind of way.

This time it came out physically. I found myself at a stop light sobbing uncontrolably because it hurt. That hurt came back and took me over like something I hadn't felt in a few years. I sobbed and didn't try and stop it from coming because the tears were a form of relief.

I know it's because the topic has been bobbing around in my head for the last few weeks. But dang it! I wish it would go away. It stinkin' hurts!

So instead I did as D would have wanted me to do. I sat in that stinking hurt. I sat in it and I thought about the days after the initial blow. When my body wouldn't physically respond. When my mind went numb. When I could barely take care of my little guy and I struggled with the one growing inside me. When all I could was hold on to His hope... His plan for me (Jer 29:11) and focus on what was ahead.

I took one step at a time... and it hurt. I breathed it in. The hurt, the pain, the rejection. And I sat in that crud.

And now... years later, I still sit in it from time-to-time, like I did last Friday at the stop light. But now my future is more clear. More positive. It holds a hope I can see and embrace and enjoy.

So yes. I still sit in that hurt because pushing it away doesn't heal it. Pushing it away gives it control and I refuse to give THAT control.

He is my control. He is my hope. He is my faith.