Sometimes He knocks the "cocky" out of me

I get cocky… and when that happens all kinds of things start falling apart and in that instant I realize I’ve failed to put my trust in Him. I’ve taken on my little world and I’ve left no place for Him. For His love, for His grace, for His direction… for His guidance.

And so I fall on my knees and I ask for forgiveness. I ask Him to heal my heart of this ugly pride. I ask Him to fill my heart with His Words, His truth.

There are a lot of rocks that we are faced with every single day. Most seem manageable. They aren’t too heavy and some of them are shed as we walk through the days and weeks. As we carry the rocks more are added and because we’ve been able to build our strength through carrying the smaller ones, we think the big ones aren’t going to make that much of a difference. We’re strong. We can handle it.  And then we realize that we were never meant to carry them. Our bodies aren’t made to carry them. We were made to let Him carry them.

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Psalm 18:2

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

Psalm 28:7

A path of good

29 months ago I met you for the first time and I didn’t really think much of your future… of who you would become, or how your sweet spirit would evolve. And now I do. 29 short months later I think about all that and more. I hate to see you hurt. My heart swells when I hear you share your life with me.

I think about you every single day. I wonder how you are doing. How you felt about your latest volleyball game. I wonder how your friendships are treating you. I think about the upcoming weekend and how we’ll all be together again and how much I love those times.

You are now 14 years old. You have grown SO much in these past 29 months… not just physically either! Your heart is softer. Your emotions are more easily shared. You are figuring out your likes and dislikes. Your ever changing interests keep us all on our toes.

But some things never change. Your love for Jesus. Your heart for the weak, broken and poor. Your mind is filled with about a million ideas on how you’ll change the world now and in the future. That, my sweet A, is very clear to me. You will be a world changer. You will make a difference in the lives of others. As you grow, you will leave a path of good. I know this as a fact… because you have already done it in my life.

Happy birthday chica!

I love you very much and I am blessed to be part of your path of good!

Renee

I just don't have time to...

I just don't have time to (fill in the blank)...

I find myself saying that when adding one more thing to my schedule seems overwhelming, impossible, absolutely absurd. Or I say it to brush off the moments when I feel inadequate.

I don't have time to make a healthy meal from scratch every single night of the week.
I don't have time to spend hours researching this or that will cause this or that to happen to my kids.
I don't have time to have my kids be involved in 2 different activities each.
I don't have time to exercise 2 hours a day.
I don't have time... I don't have time... I don't have time...

The truth of it all is that I do have time. I have plenty of time. I have 24 hours every single day. Most of those days, I'm working a full time, outside the home, job but... I have time. I know this because I do plenty of things. I'm a very busy woman.

I've been thinking about where I spend my time, how I spend it and with whom I spend it. And when I hear someone tell me they don't have time to go to church or watch TV or exercise or serve, what I want to say to them is "it's not that you don't have time it's that it's not and may never be, a priority for you".

You might love to run 5 miles a day. Fabulous! You might make your own butter. Amazing. You might clean your baseboards every single Friday night while singing praises to Jesus. Kudos to you! That is not my thing, but that doesn't make me or you any better or worse... it just makes us different.

My values, my priorities, my goals and my passions are different from yours. And all of those things have evolved during the course of my life. And yours do too.

So when someone asks you to join something or asks you if you've read the most recent study on how eating too much fruit will prevent your children from fully reaching their academic potential (totally sarcastic), don't tell them you don't have time. Tell them the truth.

It's just not a priority right now.

So I fell off the wagon...

I've fallen off the grounded identity platform again...
Ugh! That really makes me mad... mad at myself for allowing it to happen.

You see I struggle with pride. That's my big bad dark yucky struggle. I hate it. My pride comes from having to feel good enough. If I do things well, then I will be accepted and when I'm doing it well I don't give it to whom it's due... I hold onto it so that I might feel just a little better about myself, my accomplishments just a little longer.
I have been in recovery but just when I thought I had overcome that ugly thing, it reared it's ugly head and on Thursday night I found myself back to square one.

You see, I try so hard to get this life right. My goals are just like anyone else's - be a good wife, mom, employee, friend, etc... but overtime it starts to consume me:

"Oh! You're so patient!" - must be more patient
"Wow! You turned this project around so quickly!" - turn the next one around even more quickly
"You're place is so clean." - must always be clean when this person comes over

I have to be enough and more. I will be worthy. Of what? My husband's love, my kids' adoration, my friends acceptance... the list goes on and on.

And when I fail, when I get criticized in the places that I'm trying harder to "be better", I fall apart. I break. And I broke. And it wasn't pretty. I'm still trying to put me back together. Trying to process my fall and pull together a recovery plan.

Once again I find myself climbing back onto my grounded identity. The one that tells me:

I am accepted...
John 1:12	I am God's child.
John 15:15	As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.
Romans 5:1	I have been justified.
1 Corinthians 6:17	I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20	I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.
1 Corinthians 12:27	I am a member of Christ's body.
Ephesians 1:3-8	I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.
Colossians 1:13-14	I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.
Colossians 2:9-10	I am complete in Christ.
Hebrews 4:14-16	I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.
	I am secure...
Romans 8:1-2	I am free from condemnation.
Romans 8:28	I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.
Romans 8:31-39	I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.
2 Corinthians 1:21-22	I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.
Colossians 3:1-4	I am hidden with Christ in God.
Philippians 1:6	I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.
Philippians 3:20	I am a citizen of heaven.
2 Timothy 1:7	I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.
1 John 5:18	I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me.
	I am significant...
John 15:5	I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.
John 15:16	I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.
1 Corinthians 3:16	I am God's temple.
2 Corinthians 5:17-21	I am a minister of reconciliation for God.
Ephesians 2:6	I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.
Ephesians 2:10	I am God's workmanship.
Ephesians 3:12	I may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Philippians 4:13	I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

I am real. I make mistakes. I fall apart. I am not perfect. I don't want to be and I never will be.
I am His and He is mine.

A 6 year old kinda day

This morning you woke me up at 5:24am because you are six. It’s your birthday and you’ve been counting down the days. You love special days, all kinds, but today is your favorite.

Today we celebrate you, Monkey.  You and who you are.

You have grown so much over this past year. You have a funny little sense of humor and are catching on to sarcasm very quickly. You are just as determined as the day you were born. You know what you want, you know how you want it and you'll tell us just how it is.

You love to cuddle, big hugs, tickles. To have your "in-between-your-toes" rubbed. Our special "I love your..." nightly ritual. You love books, cooking, rocking out to Bon Jovi, superheroes and games on my iPhone. You are all boy, all the time.

You've had a busy year.

You jumped off the high dive at the pool. You went stand-up paddling, you hiked the entire 8k, you played soccer, and more... your year has been full of activities and you've faced them all with courage and excitement. I love that about you. I love that you love adventures. That you are willing to try new things, sometimes with a little coaxing, sometimes all on your own.

Your blond curls are the envy of many. You switch back and forth on whether to keep your hair shorter or longer, but you definitely have an opinion.

This August you started kindergarten. You were so excited, you talked about it for months... On the first day, you walked to school excitedly, not wanting or needing me. But as soon as we stepped in, you grabbed my hand and nervously fidgeted. You didn't want me out of your sight. As I was leaving you said "I really don't want to be here." I knew you did. But that you were just scared. That whenever you are faced with new situations you become anxious. That it takes you a while to warm up to people and new routines. You like the predictable.

Imaginative, adventurous, silly, loving, determined, intelligent. Those are the 6 words I'd use to describe you!

Happy birthday my sweet little guy!

Momma loves you so very much!

Sitting in it, yet again.

Just when I think I've moved past the hurt, it comes back and over takes me. Sometimes it's my mind reliving the pain and sometimes it comes through in a physical kind of way.

This time it came out physically. I found myself at a stop light sobbing uncontrolably because it hurt. That hurt came back and took me over like something I hadn't felt in a few years. I sobbed and didn't try and stop it from coming because the tears were a form of relief.

I know it's because the topic has been bobbing around in my head for the last few weeks. But dang it! I wish it would go away. It stinkin' hurts!

So instead I did as D would have wanted me to do. I sat in that stinking hurt. I sat in it and I thought about the days after the initial blow. When my body wouldn't physically respond. When my mind went numb. When I could barely take care of my little guy and I struggled with the one growing inside me. When all I could was hold on to His hope... His plan for me (Jer 29:11) and focus on what was ahead.

I took one step at a time... and it hurt. I breathed it in. The hurt, the pain, the rejection. And I sat in that crud.

And now... years later, I still sit in it from time-to-time, like I did last Friday at the stop light. But now my future is more clear. More positive. It holds a hope I can see and embrace and enjoy.

So yes. I still sit in that hurt because pushing it away doesn't heal it. Pushing it away gives it control and I refuse to give THAT control.

He is my control. He is my hope. He is my faith.

Achy bodies and filled souls

This past weekend I went back to the heart of it all... the world of large events.

By the end my feet were killing me (NEVER wear new shoes on event day... duh!), my body ached everywhere, I sampled some seriously addicting treats and my soul was filled to the brim.

My soul, it turns out, needs a big event every once in a while.

This event was different though... because it was one created without S. It was odd. Weird. And made me a bit cranky. S and I don't speak during event day. Rarely. We just do. We can sense what the other needs and we do. We don't ask questions, we don't wonder what to do next, we just do. So doing without her was odd. Cause it wasn't really doing. It was a lot of guessing... and wondering... and assuming. And getting cranky cause people weren't reading my mind.

It was harder than usual. But it was still wonderful and grand.

The next one is in the spring... and I have my list of "lessons learned" and the questions I need to ask to make the next one a smoother one and more fluid.

For me, it's touching lives. It's standing in the back of the room and watching. Watching the arms raised and the souls filled. It's about the fellowship and the giggles. It's the connection people make because a God so mighty and fierce was able to work past my hang ups and open doors for me to do this very thing again... with different people. Women who push me in different ways. Who make me uncomfortable and make me question my motives.

It is good. It is very good.