I'm ready

I'm ready.
My roots are calling my name.

I'm ready.
My family in my arms.

I'm ready.
My world "unplugged".

I'm ready.
My lips wind chapped and face sun kissed.

I'm ready.
My soul reconnected.

Growth

In the last few weeks I have been feeling more and more like myself.

I really didn't notice it until last weekend when I was headed to church and I was excited. Don't get me wrong. I love my church. I love our pastors and the teachings. I love the people and their hearts. But in the past couple of years since S left, I've been struggling to find my place again.

She was my place. We aren't only best friends, but a real team. We are, not to sound incredibly cheesy, but... "one". And after she and her family left to attend a different church (best decision they made for themselves) I felt stranded.

I didn't know what to do without her. Everything I tried to do felt wrong. And the church administration reorganized leaving me to try and understand this new structure and again, my role in it.

New people to volunteer with and new hearts to understand. Nope. Wasn't ready for any of if. Her departure hurt. As happy I was happy for her, I wasn't at peace with it.

Then just last week I checked out her church's VBS setup. I saw her in her new element. I saw her introduce me to some cool people and it felt right. I liked these people. And I liked that they loved and appreciated her so much.

I was thinking about all this on that Sunday morning as I drove to church - I realized that I had been really enjoying my new roles in the church. I am enjoying my new friendships and these new experiences.

Had she stayed, our gifts wouldn't reach as many because they were... In a sense wasted. Now instead of focusing on one group of people we brainstorm about both churches. We compare, make notes, suggest. It's a pretty awesome thing.

Do miss serving with S? More than you know. I really don't think that the hole will ever be filled again. We have our own language, read each other's mind, love each other despite our faults. Let me tell you, that makes for an incredible event planning team. But better than that - it makes for the bestest of friends.

He had it all planned out and through our pain and confusion, we grew, we loved and we became a brighter light for Him.

Ashy

"I know it's a touchy subject" you said... I quickly answered that it wasn't.

Or is it?
Is talking about our short time with "Ashy" a touchy subject?

We stepped in quickly as quickly as we had to step out.
She was the sweetest little thing. Eager to explore. Eating machine. Lots of hugs and kisses. And by day 4, 4 additional new teeth.

I didn't want to be her mother, I knew it was temporary. But I enjoyed every moment of mothering her. Rocking, feeding, playing, adventuring. Enjoying this fifth little member of our family.

So now... she's not a touchy subject.
But maybe the way she went back is.

Maybe my struggle with control is part of the sensitivity with this. The process didn't follow the course. The goals weren't met and most thought, as did we, to create a solid and stable home, the parents needed to reach them.

But that's not how it happened. And now... 4 years later, from what I understand, she's thriving.
She's a happy, healthy preschooler.

God's plan is always a good one. And this one isn't any different.
A few months after she left our family fell apart. God knew I needed to focus on the boys. And God knew that Ashy's parents would take care of her.

I will never forget our time with her. She blessed our lives and I pray that, as young as she was, her soul was touched by our love for her.