Church

I had been flirting with the idea of finding a different church. I love the church I attend; the theology blows my mind, the people are amazing, the worship music rocks (literally) but for me, I feel like it lacks grace.

I've been going back and forth and I've looked online at what other churches had to offer but I found that if the church was more grace filled, the theology was pretty shaky and if the theology was rock solid then grace was lacking.

I thought and prayed about this for a few months. What's more important to me? What do I need more in my life right now? A solid theology or plenty of grace.

While in Canada I came to the conclusion that right now, in my life, I need theology. I need for someone to teach me what the Bible actually says about God and His will for my life, not what man would like it to say.

I sat in church yesterday as we studied the book of Philippians -- our second week on this study. Our pastor talked a lot about church and it's people; that's what the church is - people. Church is a lot of very sinful people sitting together, talking, sharing, and loving on each other.

That's why I am now 110% certain that Legacy is where I belong. I know those people - they struggle, fail and sin over and over again... just like me! The teaching is amazing, the people I've met there have become my family and my kids are loved. Yes, there are times when I feel there is a lack of grace... but I'm sure sometimes I'm less than grace giving to others.

We have a history, Legacy and I. They've been there through the good and the bad. I've gotten cards, gifts, helping hands, meals brought to me, hugs and more. Some from people I knew and some from total strangers. My kids don't know anything but Legacy. They grew up in the church, surrounded by this family.

As our pastor said "There is no perfect church out there. Because if there was, you wouldn't be allowed to go."

This is my family. I found it, all on my own. Is little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good. ~Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)

Words

Communication can be challenging in general. Communication with an ex-spouse seems impossible at times.

Divorce doesn't solve anything. Divorce merely ends marriage. The problems that existed during the marriage are still there, only magnified because now there's no love to coat the grossness of the disagreements.

Communication isn't simple anymore, it's not an exchange of information... it's more like a complicated secret mission where the goal is not only to figure out what the other person is thinking but also having to simultaneously protect your vulnerability. In short: it's tiring.

I'm not mad about the divorce. I don't want to cause him harm, in fact I want to see him thrive. I want good things for his life.

I've fallen off my grounded identity a few times these last 2 weeks because I've been accused of having some hidden agenda. I struggle with being accused of things that are so far from the truth. My past and present actions have never presented such a trend.

The reason I fall off my grounded identity? Because of fear. I fear that what someone says about me is true regardless of what I know to be true. I hate that.

Words are powerful. They break or build. Strengthen or weaken.

Words can scar the soul. God can heal it.

Roots

30 years ago I was born in Canada.

It was fun to celebrate my 30 years surrounded by the same friends who I met in pre-kindergarten and graduated with in high school. Crazy, really. We were all together celebrating C's wedding and we recounted a few stories that made me blush and giggle. Some things I had forgotten and instantly remembered why I had forgotten them. We didn't miss a beat when we started chatting and dancing together again - the only difference was that this time, we were legally allowed to drink. :o)

Being back home made me realize how much growing I've done, we've all done. How much I've missed and gained from being away.

Those ladies, my family, my country -- those are my roots. As I drove back to the US, it was bittersweet.

I know I'll never live in Canada again, there are many reasons why, but Canada will always be a part of who I am; it will always live in me.