Ohana

I think it's a combination of my dad being sick, my trip back home and C's upcoming wedding... I've been drifting down memory lane lately.

- Payday Thursday sub night! (we made our own)
- Dad's eight track players and what seemed like hundreds of eight tracks!
- Dad singing his favorite songs in the silliest ways.
- Friends and family dropping by throughout the weekend.
- Going to the cottage every weekend during the summer.
- Hearing my parents chat at the dinning room table after dinner over tea.
- The smell of coffee on Saturday mornings.
- The radio on all day every day.
- Having Legos at the cottage only... and being completely obsessed with them.
- The giant Barbie house my dad made me (with carpet, wallpaper, mirrors, a garage - with light, a patio with tiny little spindles and green AstroTurf!)
- Belle, our beautiful miniature collie.
- The countless hours it took my mom to make all of my skating costumes. (hand stitching the tiny little beads)
- Dad pulling our sleds back up the hill, even when he didn't slide with us.
- Stockings on New Year's morning.
- Mom and Dad waking us up at 12am for fondue on New Year's Eve/Morning.
- Making snow forts under the boat during the winter.
- Mom throwing us some cans of 7up while we were swimming in the lake, while it was raining. (you have to love Fido Dido!)
- Building stuff with Dad. I'm sure I was very "helpful".
- Eating chips and soda on Friday and Saturday only.
- Never once trying my mom's butter tarts, but now wishing I had.
- Making that popcorn over the stove at the cottage. Nothing tasted better.
- Eating an obscene amount of "Mr. Freezies" at the cottage. (must be where Reece gets it from)
- Parlez francais!!! Allez dehors!!! (ha!)
- Veggies and dip was a staple at the cottage.
- My mom's green peppered steak.
- Dad's jokes told again and again and again...
- The rainbow they had painted in my room.
- The endless supply of crafts I was provided me with.
- The paddle boat.
- Skinny dipping.
- Catching leaches and covering them with salt.
- Dad and his friends coming together to build the "big" projects.
- Exploring the islands.
- The sounds of loons at night.
- Watching sunsets together.
- Our "American" friends from Michigan.
- Dad cutting down, what seems like, every one's trees and thinking he was the strongest man on earth. (I think he still is!)
- Making the rock bridge to the other island, as a family.
- Walking "to the goose and back" in the mornings with my mom.
- Our multiple family trips.
- The console TV that we had up until 3 years ago.
- All of the Halloween parties my parents let me have... and participated in!
- Christmas Eve parties at my grand-parents' house and Santa arriving on his snowmobile!

We have memories, good ones and bad ones, that bind us for life. Ohana.

Growing

It's interesting, dating after divorce. It's obviously nothing I've ever done before. Dating before kids was much more simple, less complicated and more self involved.

Today, dating with kids around is challenging to say the least but it does help keep priorities straight and more focused on the important stuff. Keeping the kids' (his and mine) needs and feelings in the very forefront of our minds and balancing our feelings and thoughts on this new love is quite a challenge but also a blessing.

Managing kid behaviors, outside influences and more intense priorities initiates some really interesting conversations that would never have transpired otherwise.

There are a lot of challenges when dating with kids, but challenges aren't necessarily bad, they are what help you grow. Growing individually and growing as a couple. I suppose the growth is somehow defining where this journey goes.

Trust

This is from my devotional on June 20th...

Those who are attentive to a matter will prosper, and happy are those who trust in the Lord. ~Proverbs 16:20

Trust is like faith. You cannot see it; you just do it. It must be given. Here are some other words from the thesaurus for trust: confidence, belief, credence. To trust is to "depend on, rely on, bank on, build on, count on." You cannot trust without moving out of your head. You cannot depend on someone or build on something with mere knowledge. The soul must be part of the equation. The words call us to action, not inspection. The word on is significant as well. You can't merely rely. You can't depend on yourself. You can't build in air. There is a requirement of someone or something else that moves us out of ourselves.

We can know, yet not do. We can gather facts, and give nothing in return. We can observe all day long without ever caring. But we do not trust if we don't care. We do not give to something if we don't trust it. And if we say we trust the truth, and yet we do nothing with it, it reveals we have not trusted it at all. Trust requires something of us. Trust holds the feet of knowledge to the fire of action.

I'm really enjoying this devotional. I started reading it in February and 7 out of 10 times it seems to be exactly what I need to hear for the day. It applies to where I am in my life.

It seems that the thing I struggled the most these past 10 years with in my walk with God is... trust. I give my trust easily to others but to God... trusting Him with my life, now that's an entirely different story. Maybe it's because I know people are flawed, sinners just like me and that they will make mistakes - that's one thing I know for sure is true and I can count on. But God? What if He lets me down? Trusting Him with my entire life means risking Him letting me down and if He let me down, that would surely kill parts of me I can't bear to lose.

It was a Monday last winter when I sat in the office with D and as we talked through my ugly "control" issues, I realized that those issues were based on fear. I trust others easily, if the trust is betrayed I try to control the relationship so that it won't happen again. Why then, is trusting God so much harder for me? He's never let me down. I feel His hand over my life. I feel Him guiding me. Why does it feel that sometimes I need Him to drag me instead of guide me because I'm terrified of the path He's guiding me on?

It's fear. It all comes down to fear.

Courage is required when trust is concerned. I am finding the courage to trust God with my entire life. It's a daily battle. I don't blame God for the hurts in my life. I can see how they were, as always, a blessing to me. Without hurt there is no growth - I understand that.

Trusting my Father is becoming easier (not effortless, however!), I realize that I'm reacting to stumbling blocks a lot differently than I used to. I am learning to not only to talk the talk... but walk the walk with Him as my guide.

Trust requires something of us. Trust holds the feet of knowledge to the fire of action.

Staking claim

D sent me a card last week to thank me for the butterfly but also to wrap up our session. During our last session I was pretty teary eyed because as I've shared in an earlier post - I hate goodbyes. And she wasn't doing a whole lot of talking. She wrote in the card that she was at a loss for words. The card she wrote is a keeper! I did want to share her last part as a reminder of the claims we need to stake out for ourselves as God's children:

I am blessed. Ephesians 1:3
I am chosen and holy. 1:4
I am adopted. 1:5
I am forgiven. 1:7
I am favored. 1:7-8
I am close to God. 2:13
I am loved. 3:17-19
I am promised great things. 3:6
I am cherished. 5:29

I hope you can rest in those claims as much as I have these past few months.

Far away

I've been away for over 11 years. I've made adjustments to living so far away from them. Sadly enough I've gotten used to the distance.

I think about them every day and there are times when I wish they could be next to me to experience things I'm having to experience on my own, but this is the choice I made - to live over 1,000 miles away.

We talk about when we'll see each other again soon after I arrive. 37 days until I get to hug them and hear Mom's predictable sigh of relief.

Dad's in the hospital which makes 37 days feel like years away. I hate that. I have prayed for God to give the doctors wisdom and guidance for his care. Funny... normally when I pray for someone who is sick, I never ask for their healing because it may not be what God wants. I ask for God's peace in that person's life and their family as well as wisdom for the doctors, because I know that is in God's plan. I always wrap up by asking that God's will be accepted by all.

This may not be anything to worry about. He may be released at the end of the week and be told to stop eating so many Little Debbie cakes (ha!) or that he needs more sleep or that he needs to take something to help with that specific problem. But the distance is what keeps my mind from much rest... This must be how my parents feel when they have to sit by the phone and wait for me to give them news of the cause of their worry (life, labor, babies, etc).

Either way today I pray for Dad's healing... because the thought of accepting anything else is unbearable. Today... I ask you to pray for God's strength and peace in my family's life.

Cake

ingrained
- Being an element; present in the essence of a thing
- Fixed, established

And that's what's beginning to happen. We're becoming more a part of each other's lives instead of an extension.

Meeting family and friends... spending time with the kids... Swimming, softball games, grilling, hugs, walks, talks...

It's like making a cake. Gently adding the ingredients in, one at a time, blending them all together and praying it tastes as delicious as it looks as it's taking shape.

1 year ago today

1 year ago today, I was terrified
1 year ago today, truths became lies
1 year ago today, I chose myself over a someone else
1 year ago today, I found courage
1 year ago today, I saw truth
1 year ago today, I walked away from a marriage
1 year ago today, I began a new life
1 year ago today, I sought complete refuge in the arms of my Creator

1 year ago today, I truly understood the meaning of faith.

Bonne Fete, Papa!

It's my dad's birthday today... Hero

Top ten things I love about my dad (in no particular order):

1. His jokes... even if I've heard them a million times
2. The way his face looks when he tells me he loves me
3. That I can talk to him about anything in the world and he seems to always understand
4. His love of nature
5. His protective nature
6. His humbleness
7. That he's a man of his word
8. He loves his family more than he loves himself
9. He has a strong work ethic
10. His love of order (it's where I get my organization addiction)

Bonne Fete, Papa! Je t'aime fort fort, plus que tout les nuages.
Renée
xoxo

Background noise

This must be the feeling Ariel had when she got her legs in The Little Mermaid. Excited about it, a little wobbly and completely unsure on how to take the first few steps.

No therapy means I have to process it in my head by myself. I have to listen, really listen and hold my tongue until I understand what I’m feeling. Lots of listening this weekend and lots of growth.

Ironically enough, I signed up for a gym study and so I’ll be physically working through my thoughts today at 4pm. Um… funny, how that worked out. Talk therapy replaced by physical therapy. It’s a three week deal… maybe this is the transition I need. A God thing?

Even with all these thoughts swirling around in my head, the peace and comfort that’s been there for a few weeks hasn’t disappeared. It’s still there working with me instead of fleeing, again something new for me.

Things are so good right now; regardless of the “background noise” that is a constant in every life. I think we all wish we could live in a bubble and be able to keep out the uncomfortable but that isn’t reality. This life, my life, my reality. It contains a lot of background noise… but background noise is what helps me grow and learn more about who I am as a person. Instead of getting anxious, upset or mad about it I must learn to work with it so that I can make it work for me.

Saying goodbye

I did it. I said goodbye to D yesterday and I got pretty teary eyed. I gave her a butterfly because it felt fitting based on the book and how I felt.

I wasn't sure what to expect. An exit session of therapy. She asked how my week was (typical) and we chatted about that and then we talked about how I would know when I'm "slipping" (my word). We talked about my yellow flags and my red flags. Interestingly enough, my red flags are physical symptoms and my yellow flags are all emotional. I never really thought about it before. I work on this, daily, but really pointing out the signs I need to watch out for is very different than naming them. They are now named. I sure wish I had brought my notebook!

I gave her a copy of my blog. I exported it Tuesday night and formatted it for her. She seemed surprised and mentioned that I talked about it quite a bit and was glad I would share it with her. It felt right. She's a major reason why I started in the first place.

Saying goodbye wasn't as hard as I thought it would be... it was more like I was now greeting a different chapter of my life.

Blessed

It's days like these when I wish my mind took better pictures - forever pictures.

Us playing by the water, looking for frogs, talking about the nasty smell of duck poop, admiring the ducklings with their parents, looking out for snakes, and taking down spider webs. The weather is beautiful. The boys are in awe of it all. I am in awe of them.

I am blessed.

Goodbye

I hate goodbyes. I try and avoid them at any cost.

So tomorrow is going to suck. I hadn't really thought of it before, not seeing D again.

She's been one of my best cheerleaders and anchors for almost a year. She has heard it all. She's been a really great accountability partner through this entire year and I've had to fess up to some not so great actions on my part... and I never felt judged or crazy (two things I hate feeling!). She's been a great support and guide.

I'm ready to "graduate" from therapy and the reason I'm ready is because I had an amazing therapist who listened and challenged me. She made it hard for me to want to go back to therapy and I'm glad she did. If therapy had been easy, it wouldn't have been worth it.

D and I have talked a bit about her role vs. my role in therapy. She always compares it to being in a gym and she was my trainer... showing me how the machines worked but I was/am the one who has to actually use them and do the work.

Thank you D, for being an awesome trainer and for not giving up on me when I wanted to.