You’ve been on my heart and mind lately and, like you, I can express my heart in writing more than I can in words.
You mentioned a few times that you have never felt loved. It breaks my heart for you and for those who have truly loved and still love you.
Sometimes we get stuck in looking at the ways we’ve been failed by those who we trust and see it as being unloving, but what we should really do is look at the way they have helped us succeed in areas we may never have been able and see their love. I, like you, often fall into that trap. “If he really loved me, he would…” or “If they really loved me they wouldn’t have…”… but then I think about my own self and the way that I’ve let so many people down in my actions, my thoughts, my words. I am not perfect. I do not love my children and my husband and everyone else, the way they deserve or want to be loved. I love them the only way I can, with my broken, imperfect heart. I give them my all, knowing that it’s not enough. It’s never going to be enough.
When I first moved here, I thought I had it all figured out. 18 years old, husband, a decent place to live, a great job, people who loved me… and who can forget… FREEDOM. As the years passed and I got older, and marriage got harder, the job required more of me… and that freedom I longed for seemed less important, I found myself searching for something else to fill that ache in my heart. I tried lots of different things to help me with this void and to make a long story short, I found it. I found it to the One who has always had my back. The One who had been waiting for me. I found it in the arms of Jesus. That same one we learned about in school. That same one we disregarded in high school. I found it in Him who created me (I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. - Jeremiah 1:5). This might sound like crazy mumbo jumbo to you and trust me, I get that, and I’ve been there. But the more digging I did, the more I read and listened to my pastor the more I was convinced this Jesus, was God who came down as a real man, with real skin, who lived a sinless life, who fulfilled over 400 prophecies (things that were predicted in the Old Testament that the “Messiah” would do when He came to save us) and who CHOSE to die on the cross so that I would not go to hell. Hell in the Bible is a place of future punishment and the final destination for those who don’t believe and trust in Jesus. It is described in the Bible using different terms such as eternal fire, outer darkness, a place of weeping and torment, the lake of fire, the second death, unquenchable fire. The most terrifying reality of hell is that it will be a place of complete, unending separation from God. Because of His sacrifice, I get to be with Him in heaven (For God so loved the world that He gave his only son so that we might not perish (die) but have eternal life. - John 3:16). His death on the cross for my sins, made me realize that I had much more to be sorry about then I had to be angry about. It’s not only the forgiveness of my sins that made me commit to Him. It was the fact that our God offers up grace, forgiveness, mercy, healing. He knows every single thing I think about (said or unsaid!) and He loves me anyway. (I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me. –John 10:14). He loves me with extra weight and He loves me when I’m thinner. He loves me when I wear makeup and He loves me when I haven’t showered. He wants nothing from me but for me to love Him and to love others. He loves me. And He loves you, too.
I say all this to tell you that there may be times when you are feeling unloved or unappreciated or like no one hears you, but someone does hear you. Always. He wants you to talk to Him. And He wants to help.
I’m off my soap box now and if you want to talk more about Jesus, I’d love to… you just have to let me know.
So many people love you. But those people, they are sinful and imperfect and broken by their past, just like you and just like me. They have made mistakes. They have pulled when they should have pushed, stood when they should have sat and yelled when they should have whispered. And they will continue to do that. They are human. Give them a chance. Open up your heart to them. Living without using your heart, it isn’t living. It’s surviving. You deserve more than survival. You deserve a life. One that is full of laughter and love and hope.
I know that right now all seems lost. That life doesn’t seem fair and uncertainty surrounds you. I wish I was there so I could hug on you and listen in person to your fears and worries. I can’t imagine my life without you. I know of lots of people who can’t imagine their lives without you. We’re family. We need each other.
I love you to pieces and your pain is my pain. I am going to pray like crazy for peace in your heart and mind, for the healing of your heart, and for the joy of truly knowing Jesus.
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