2012 in review

As 2012 closes I'm left pondering the last 12 months... the highs, the lows, and the in-betweens.

B and I celebrated our 1st anniversary in July. When I think of our first anniversary my immediate thought is "Thank GOD for prayer!" :) Yes. we struggled a bit. It's different to be married for the second time around. You kind already know what you want and... what you don't. And you've been on your own and have a little life that works just fine... for you. And then you add an opinionated and stubborn person like myself, married to another very opinionated and stubborn person like himself... well it's a good thing we both prayed through that first year!

As much as we clashed, we mashed really well too. We blended, we bent, we c.o.m.p.r.o.m.i.s.e.d (ugh!) and we still managed to wrap up the year with lots more laughs then tears! :)

The kiddos all have birthdays in the fall so that makes things a bit of a scheduling nightmare. We had three parties within 2 weeks. This mama was tired! But the kids seemed to have fun (yay!) and our place stayed intact (double yay!). We now have a 6, 11, and 14 year old. That's a bit freaky isn't it?

My baby started kindergarten this year. Kindergarten. How did that happen? The first day of school was not my favorite. Have you ever seen someone feed lions? Those lions just grab that meat and devour it... that's kinda how I felt leaving my baby this fall (he was the meat, in case you didn't get that analogy). My baby. In the school world with all those mean kids. Well... turns out after a few weeks, my baby can hold his own (let's just leave it at that!).

I celebrated my 32nd birthday in August and truth be told, it freaked me out a bit. I don't feel 32. I don't know what 32 feels like, but it's not fitting me all that well. I don't feel like I look like others who are 32 (I'm talking celebrities at this point - maybe not the best comparison!). My parents weren't/aren't real big on numbers, so I'm not going to worry about it too much.

2012 was also the year my husband finally met my parents. This was a big deal because you see... B is a city boy and I am not from the city (neither are my parents). So... I loaded up the car and headed to Canada with my three favorite pip squeaks and for 23 hours, we laughed, yelled, smelled, and ate in a tin box on wheels. It was SO fun! B joined us later (via an airplane) and met the fam. Everyone hit it off and my nightmares subsided. Yay! We got to do some stand up paddling, kayaking, swimming, hiking, eating, duck feeding, and island relaxing. Glorious! There's no place like home.

This year Mama B also moved to the area (across the street to be exact). What a blessing. I love having her here! She's fabulous. Loving, gracious, calm, patient, funny... She's just a wonderful person to have around!

I was also able to share my testimony with my sister this year and in that same arena, I've been more bold and open with my faith, my walk with Jesus and my love for Him with others as well (maybe that whole getting older thing has its perks!).

Personally, I feel like I'm growing into who God wants me to be. Sure... I'm still a full blown mess, but I'm a mess who is more grounded in her identity. Who has an opinion based on life experiences, who loves freely, who forgives easily and who's excited for another super duper exciting year!

Women's Ministry

I've taken a big step recently.

I've accepted the role of Women's Ministry Director (leader?) at my church.

It's a big deal in all kinds of ways. It's something I'm passionate about and I am very jazzed about the whole thing.

I'll admit it. I'm nervous. Because what if I fail? My schedule is a mad house but I also believe that we make room in our lives for the things that are important to us. The things that are priorities and for me, faith and women... they are one of my priorities.

So here I go... modifying some things, bringing up new things... trying to energize a group of women who have mad house schedules but who love the Lord and want to serve His women. It's going to have some challenges, but if you knew these women, you'd be impressed and excited.

Pray for us in this endeavor!

Adjusting my sails

So here's a little secret about me...

When I have a plan, I'm like a dog with a bone. And if you take that bone away from the dog... the dog will growl... and maybe even bite (not too hard).

It's one of my many, many flaws.

I make the plan. I stick to the plan. You want to change the plan? Um... nope. The plan is the plan. So it can't be changed. Sometimes the plan is only in my head and was never voiced out loud. I get that. But the plan should not be changed.

Ugh! I can't tell you how my insides feel when the plan is changed. It doesn't feel good. It feels gross. I want to throw myself down on the ground and throw a big old wobbly (fancy English word for tantrum - it sounds better when I say wobbly, though, doesn't it?). But I can't do that. Cause I'm a grown up woman (or so they say) and grown up women are supposed to be mature. So what I do is one of two things: 1) the silent treatment or 2) get very very snippy. Sometimes the silent treatment turns into snippy.

It's a problem. It's one I've given to God many times but one I seem to like to pick back up and carry around. It's annoying... for both of us. God and me. Plans change, always. I pray I can see plans as something fluid instead of something so concrete. It would make life easier for me and my family. It's just part of my ever constant struggle with control.

So there it is. Adjusting my sails, daily... sometimes by the moment. Letting go of my ideas and opening myself up to others'.

It's a good thing.

Kind

Kind.

1 chiefly dialect : affectionate, loving

2 a : of a sympathetic or helpful nature

   b : of a forbearing nature : gentle

   c : arising from or characterized by sympathy or forbearance <a kind act>
My word for 2013. I want to be kind... to myself, to my body, to my schedule, to you.

Life is good

The entire purpose of starting this blog was to get my thoughts out of my head and on "paper" where I could better process them. And three years later, it's still that. The way I process.

I've been re-reading some of my blog and I see that most of my thoughts are incredibly sad or what to me seems, dark and it's a bit amusing because I'm not at all either of those things.

I am surrounded by amazingly beautiful things. I am content. I am full of life. I am an optimist. Love abounds. Peace is a staple.

I suppose I say all this to input a bit of good and light in my writings.

Today we made a birthday cake for Jesus... we decorated for His birthday party. We worshiped, we ate barbecue, we snuggled, we watched football and we did what we love to do best of all, we loved on each other.

Yep. Life is good.

Demons and Hope

The shooting in Connecticut a little over a week ago shook this nation to the core.

I prayed. I cried. I talked. I wrestled with God’s gift of free will.

This man and others just like him (male and female) who choose to do such things and others that violate innocent people have either before or after their capture, been deemed “mentally unstable”. Sometimes it’s labeled as schizophrenic, bipolar, depression, and the list goes on…  I don’t disagree with those labels but I feel that as society and history has evolved we may have missed another label.

The word “demon” is mentioned nearly 50 times throughout the Bible. People who offered sacrifices to demons (sometimes their children), Jesus casting out demons from people… demons were alive and well during Jesus’ time here on earth. They were alive and well before Him and I believe they are alive and well now. I believe that the reality of demonic possession has been minimized with words like “mental instability” or “personality disorder”. I can’t be sure that those things are a complete demonic possession but I am sure that the demon has a grasp on them, a very solid grasp.

I agree with many that as a society (not just a country), we have chosen to push God out of our schools, out of our government and, at times, out of our homes. Where God is not, Satan is. We’ve allowed him and his demons into our minds and souls with certain music, movies and games. Satan is sly and smooth, we haven’t even noticed. It’s a slow fade. We’ve worshiped him time and time again by claiming “freedom”. We have given in to him so much that it’s not even a fight anymore. And he likes it.

He is laughing at the catastrophe on Friday. He is laughing at us for pinning the blame on this or that. He is laughing at our weak minds and our weak thoughts. And while he’s laughing, he’s grabbing up a few more to use in his plan.

I believe in guardian angels. I believe they walk around us and watch over us and take us when Christ instructs them and it’s naïve of me to believe Satan doesn’t have his team of demons working their way through us trying to undo the good of Christ.

It’s up to us. Individually. To take up our cross daily. To fight the fight every second of every day. We have been given a gift to fight it. He constantly gives us a way out, we just have to choose it. He gives us a hope.

Cling in it.
In times of despair.
In times of fear.
In times of anxiety.
In times of frustration.
Cling to the Hope that is in Christ Jesus.

It's the most wonderful time...

Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming! Happy birthday, Jesus! Christmas is coming!

I loooove this time of the year (imagine I just said that in a sing-songy voice)!

I love seeing the Salvation Army bell ringers. I love the constant Christmas music on the radio. I love the cool, crisp weather. I love shopping for gifts for my loved ones. I love making sweet yummy goodness. I love the beautiful holiday spirit that seems to make everyone's step a little lighter. There's a reason it's the most wonderful time of the year.

Every year I stress about gifts and whether or not people will like them. I'm horrible at remembering what people want and I ask for a list a few weeks before. And... they get what's on the list. But this year I have an iPhone (we have a slight love affair the two of us). One of the most awesomest things about my iPhone is the calendar App. Seriously. How did I function without hat App before? But the other is this really cool App where I can take notes... in my case, make lists. Lists upon lists of all kinds of things (trust me, it can get a little out of hand). So throughout the year (well, since I got the phone), I have been typing in what I've heard the kiddos, the hubs, and friends/family have mentioned. I have a list of things they really wanted or thought was "so cool". How stinkin' awesome is that, my friend? I'm going to kill it this year (here's to hoping!).

We'll see if my little plan has worked on the 25th at about 6:08am (you know, after we leisurely wake up and open gifts).

On top of the gifts, the kids and I decided we're making Jesus a red and green checkerboard birthday cake. Normally we just stick to the box, keep it simple and slap on some icing, but this year, we're putting in a little extra effort. It's going to be awesome!

Our Christmas Eve menu will include shrimp, s'mores, baklava, crab dip, and veggies. What can I say? We have a pretty random family.

There are so many things I'd like to do before Christmas, but as I get older (it's happening and I can't stop it...) I'm learning that I can't do it all and still have fun. So I'm picking and choosing and letting the rest of the plans fizzle quickly.

I love hearing what others have planned. It's a beautiful thing this upcoming birthday party, isn't it?

He whispers

Today I heard of two women I know who filed for divorce. I heard about broken relationships within a family. I heard about a man being let go for inappropriate behavior. And I wish I could say this was an anomaly, but it's not.

It's been very clear to me within the last few weeks that Satan is winning. I know he won't win in the end, but it's kind of like an arm wrestling match when your opponent has you thisclose to the table but then you whip it back up and win. That's kinda how I imagine Armageddon being. God's gonna whip Satan back where he belongs. But until then... the dude thinks he's got the match. And so he goes...

He whispers lies in our ears. He continuously works on weakening our spirit. He makes temptations we never would have fallen for 3 months before seem incredibly delicious.

He is very very good at his job. I know this because he's gotten me a few times. He's whispering right now. He makes it all seem good, real good.

And in those times when the last thing I want to do is talk to the One who can hear my ugly thoughts, I do. I think my thoughts are ugly and mean and vindictive (and they are), He whispers that my heart is beautiful, my soul is cleansed and that hope has been restored.

Satan will whisper in your ear today, tomorrow and until you find your home in Heaven. He will try to drag you down. He will tell you that divorce is easier. That flirting with your coworker is harmless. That doing it "one time" isn't a sin, it's just curiosity. He will tell you what you want to hear. Remember, sweet friend, that he's the enemy. Run. Run as far away from him as possible and run to Him who has known you before your birth. Run to Him who has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

To you...

To you my sweet...

You’ve been on my heart and mind lately and, like you, I can express my heart in writing more than I can in words.

You mentioned a few times that you have never felt loved. It breaks my heart for you and for those who have truly loved and still love you.

Sometimes we get stuck in looking at the ways we’ve been failed by those who we trust and see it as being unloving, but what we should really do is look at the way they have helped us succeed in areas we may never have been able and see their love. I, like you, often fall into that trap. “If he really loved me, he would…” or “If they really loved me they wouldn’t have…”… but then I think about my own self and the way that I’ve let so many people down in my actions, my thoughts, my words. I am not perfect. I do not love my children and my husband and everyone else, the way they deserve or want to be loved. I love them the only way I can, with my broken, imperfect heart. I give them my all, knowing that it’s not enough. It’s never going to be enough.

When I first moved here, I thought I had it all figured out. 18 years old, husband, a decent place to live, a great job, people who loved me… and who can forget… FREEDOM. As the years passed and I got older, and marriage got harder, the job required more of me… and that freedom I longed for seemed less important, I found myself searching for something else to fill that ache in my heart. I tried lots of different things to help me with this void and to make a long story short, I found it. I found it to the One who has always had my back. The One who had been waiting for me. I found it in the arms of Jesus. That same one we learned about in school. That same one we disregarded in high school. I found it in Him who created me (I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. - Jeremiah 1:5). This might sound like crazy mumbo jumbo to you and trust me, I get that, and I’ve been there. But the more digging I did, the more I read and listened to my pastor the more I was convinced this Jesus, was God who came down as a real man, with real skin, who lived a sinless life, who fulfilled over 400 prophecies (things that were predicted in the Old Testament that the “Messiah” would do when He came to save us) and who CHOSE to die on the cross so that I would not go to hell. Hell in the Bible is a place of future punishment and the final destination for those who don’t believe and trust in Jesus. It is described in the Bible using different terms such as eternal fire, outer darkness, a place of weeping and torment, the lake of fire, the second death, unquenchable fire. The most terrifying reality of hell is that it will be a place of complete, unending separation from God. Because of His sacrifice, I get to be with Him in heaven (For God so loved the world that He gave his only son so that we might not perish (die) but have eternal life. - John 3:16). His death on the cross for my sins, made me realize that I had much more to be sorry about then I had to be angry about. It’s not only the forgiveness of my sins that made me commit to Him. It was the fact that our God offers up grace, forgiveness, mercy, healing. He knows every single thing I think about (said or unsaid!) and He loves me anyway. (I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me. –John 10:14). He loves me with extra weight and He loves me when I’m thinner. He loves me when I wear makeup and He loves me when I haven’t showered. He wants nothing from me but for me to love Him and to love others. He loves me.  And He loves you, too.

I say all this to tell you that there may be times when you are feeling unloved or unappreciated or like no one hears you, but someone does hear you. Always. He wants you to talk to Him. And He wants to help.

I’m off my soap box now and if you want to talk more about Jesus, I’d love to… you just have to let me know.

So many people love you. But those people, they are sinful and imperfect and broken by their past, just like you and just like me. They have made mistakes. They have pulled when they should have pushed, stood when they should have sat and yelled when they should have whispered. And they will continue to do that. They are human. Give them a chance. Open up your heart to them. Living without using your heart, it isn’t living. It’s surviving. You deserve more than survival. You deserve a life. One that is full of laughter and love and hope.

I know that right now all seems lost. That life doesn’t seem fair and uncertainty surrounds you. I wish I was there so I could hug on you and listen in person to your fears and worries. I can’t imagine my life without you. I know of lots of people who can’t imagine their lives without you. We’re family.  We need each other.

I love you to pieces and your pain is my pain. I am going to pray like crazy for peace in your heart and mind, for the healing of your heart, and for the joy of truly knowing Jesus.

Big, bad, ugly baggage

“What it would be like if your parents had divorced?”

He’s a thinker. And he makes me think as hard or as hard as him.

“I think I would have lived with my mom full time. And I would have seen my dad every other weekend. And that he would come see me at my ice skating shows and my other activities. And I guess I would have split my holidays with them. I think it would have been really similar to how your schedule works with this divorce… and… it would have sucked to have to split my time between my parents.”

There. Truth.

I get it. I get that it’s painful and it hurts and it’s not fair. I get that he wants us all in the same house. Cause that’s what I wanted to. And… if I’m truthful, sometimes it’s crazy painful that our family is split up.

Sometimes I think I should have sucked it up and stayed in and fought some more. But then, past all the emotions, reality sets in. And I know. I know why we’re split up. And I know why I chose this path for us. It’s not the best path… but it was the best one I could give them.

So here we are… 3.5 years later, wadding through the gunk of it all. It does stink. Big time. There are moments of pain. There are moments of clarity. And there are moments that for a few minutes, we don't even notice the sting of divorce.

But then there are weekends like the ones with which he is struggling. Times of growth and of understanding. Times when he asks more, cries more, questions more. It's in those times that I feel the most helpless. The most guilty. Guilty about things I know in my head I should let go, but my heart and soul won't let me. Will I always feel this way?

I am in such a good place in my marriage. We're all 5, learning to grow through this and in this. We are learning to be a family... and we're doing it with all of our big, bad, ugly baggage.

Wife of the year

I took a long leisurely bath this evening. I relaxed, listened to music, and thought about my upcoming European vacation.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I took a long overdue bath because baths are when I bleach the stash, shave the legs and scrub the dead skin off my feet. ALL of which has been about 2 weeks delinquent.

Tomorrow's B's birthday.
I do what I can.

Happy birthday, babe!

Grace and pain

Grace, grace, God's grace.... Grace that is greater than all our sins.

I need more grace these days.
I thought I had figured this one out. Given it to God. Found lots of grace. But it turns out, messing with my kiddo brings out the nasty in me.

I want to throw myself on my baby. Cover him and protect him from the hurts of this world. But I can't.

I can stand by and watch his heart break. I can watch him hurt. I can sit with him, wipe away his tears and listen to his sobs.

The world is broken. It's not fair. It causes us pain. It takes more than it gives.

As I watch him hurt, I teach. I teach him that his refuge is whole and real and good and love. That He wants us to surrender our pain and doubts to Him. That He takes it and makes it good. So good. If we'll let Him.

I pray he lets Him.