My tinsel filled adventure

I call it my hair tinsel but what it really is, is gray hair. White actually. Slowly sprouting here and there.

I thought this part of life would scare me. That this sign of "aging" would make me panic. But it doesn't.

It makes me grateful.

Grateful of the life I've lived and the life I have yet to live.

Grateful for the youth and hyper world that is slipping away slowly to be replaced by maturity and peace (one can only hope!).

Some ask if I will erase these signs with some youthful bottle of "color" and I reply honestly that I don't know.

That's part of what that tinsel has shown me. That I don't know. I never have. Even during times when I thought I had, I hadn't. And I still don't. Is that a sign of maturity? To know you don't know... And that you really don't want to know. Because if I knew then I wouldn't.

I wouldn't anything because knowing about the adventure is not at all as much fun as living it.

So for now the tinsel stays. It's mine. It's part of my unknown, crazy, heartbreaking, ridiculously blessed adventure.

He knows your heart

I just wish I could take away your doubts. I wish your deep thinking head would clear itself from the anxiety it holds dear.

I wish my head wasn't filled with terror as you share your heart. Because then my voice would be more calm and sure. My heart wouldn't be straining to hear His Word during this crucial time.

I want you to know that He is patient. That He is loving. That He hears your pain and He hears your confusion. That He waits with open arms for the day you are more sure.

Know that this will happen many many times during your life. It's a good thing. It's a growth thing.

I will listen to you. I will pray for you. And like Him, I will show you grace, patience and an open heart. Because like Him, I am head over heels in love with you.

Courage and faith

My aunt died last night. She was a beautiful woman with such a spunk for life and love.
She will be missed by many.

Her death made me think of her eternity. What's happening right now?

It is written:

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20

Go, make disciplines... tell them all about God's amazing glory, grace, love... save them from the alternative...

I STINK at this. I am nervous and scared. The boldness I profess to fellow Christians all but disappears. I can profess to my sister and brother-in-law (I have), I can to my nephews, to my parents (to a certain extent) but then the boldness starts slipping. I can to the people who know me now, whom I've met since my move to the USA but the people from back in the day... that is the worst.

What will they think? Will they think I'm a hypocrite because of my past? Will they think I've gone a little nutty now that I'm surrounded by Yankees (their words, not mine! ha!)? What if I show them my passion... show them the true fear I feel for their souls, for their eternity... will they push me away? Will I fail?

Is it my lack of faith? Or my lack of courage? If I had enough faith, would I have enough courage?

If my mind could truly wrap itself around hell and all that it entails... would I be more passionate about their eternal lives?

Would you?

The scariest thing ever

As the kids get older, the more terrified I become.

I am terrified that I am totally messing them up.
That am not taking my responsibility seriously. Or as seriously as I should.

I am the example. I am the one who's words they believe. I am the one who's action they watch and mimic. I have a huge impact on their lives. Their souls. Their everything.

I am their mother.

It's the scariest thing ever.

I find myself repeating to them that I am not perfect. That I make mistakes. That I give it my all but even that's not enough. But we must all rely on God's grace, mercy and love because THAT is enough.

I pray and pray that they feel my love.
That when my words fail, that my love finds their soul.

I am a human with free will and all kinds of sin creeping all over me. I need some serious Jesus and I can only pray that they see my forever love for Him and that that action covers all of my failures and heals the pain I sometimes unwillingly cause their little hearts.

Monday Moment

I made my dentist proud today. I've flossed every single day for 6 months. (TMI?)

I feel very American when I watch my peanut play football.

I want to bake something everyday. That would be very "domestic" of me.

I would love to be a stay-at-home mom, but I find peace in my work-outside-the-home-mom status.

I go to bed exhausted every single night. A day well lived.

I want a few sets of very cool/comfy pajamas.

I love pillows.

I bought a new fall candle and I'm waiting for just the right weather/moment to light it. (weird, I know)

Monday mornings are rough. Monday nights are awesome.

I'm out of random thoughts... For the moment...

Do over

This past week, I have been in a funk.

There's plenty of things To blame it on (and I have!) but I truly believe that I should be carrying around a bigger portion of the blame than I have been. I am choosing to wallow in my own self. I am choosing to be negative in a time when a positive outlook is desperately needed.

Today I will be positive. I will rest in Him and give Him my worries, my anxiety, my fears.

So today I call a "do over".

Where I Am

I am so incredibly happy. Satisfied. Secure. Loved. Blessed.

It's so much easier to see the things that are falling apart but this weekend I've been taking notice of the things that are going right. And there are many. More than I realized.

I am living the American dream.

I have a husband who is crazy about me and I am madly in love with him too. I have three amazing kids who are happy, healthy and have a love for Jesus that makes my heart sing.

I am surrounded by loving friends and family. I have a support system most people only dream of.

This isn't my doing. No. This kind of thing can only come from my Father. And I can't thank him enough.

Mission Field

I’ve been reading this little lady’s blog. It hits my soul each and every time. Her words help me put life into perspective. In other words; it’s awesome and so is she.

Her words have been deeper and deeper in the past few months. Words that make me think. That makes me refocus on what Jesus is really asking of me and for me.

I want to be Jesus’ hands and feet. I want to be the salt and the light. I want serve, live and lead the Word. And for a long time I thought that meant I needed to do something drastic. That I needed to be serving the church, to be surrounded by my brothers and sister in Christ. But then things didn’t seem to fit… I wanted more. I want to serve there, to be surrounded by the light of other Christians thirsting for His Word but I needed to find something else. So I read the Word, the blog, the books and I prayed. taking time to process it all, I’m concluding that God wants me to be all those things too. That’s what He’s asked of all of us. To be touched and to touch the broken, the lonely, the weak, the poor. But what I didn’t realize is that those people don’t just live in Africa. They aren’t just in the inner-city. As I take a good long look around, I realize they are here in the wealthiest county in Kansas.

The financially wealthy, but broken in spirit.

I'm surrounded by thousands of bronzed skin and bleached smiles. Broken homes and cigarette dreams. People hiding from their pain. Children lost in the shuffle. A county filled with shattered souls. Souls who give of their time and money but do so with empty spirits. I live in the burbs.

I can't ever be 100% sure that this is where I belong because my heart still longs for the inner-city, but I look just upstairs from our apartment and my heart longs to bring that family to Christ. To help those children know just how much their Heavenly Father loves them. To show them His love. And when I think about them, I'm reminded of that one other family... the one family who I can't seem to connect with because it seems appearances are very important to some... and I am determined to give them some Jesus... and then the other family... and then...

There's brokenness and sorrow and I know the secret to healing and joy.

So there you have it. My mission field. Right here. In my apartment complex. At the school. In my workplace. Where I live. My mission field. Your mission field.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26